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Bionca.



Last Updated: 11/17/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 21
Sign: Leo

State: California
Country: US
Signup Date: 9/13/2004

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Sunday, February 15, 2009 
You think you know me?
well you don't.
All you see is a pretty face,
a few words, and a screen name.
Do those three things make me who i am?
Do those pictures reveal my true self?
Do the words describe my personality and characteristics?
Does the screen name give me an identity?
You think just because I'm on your friends list that we're actually friends?
Fuck the fake friendships.
Fuck the fake comments, you do it because you want one in return.
Fuck "showing love", there is none shown.
Myspace is not my life.
I'm not going to claim that I have 500 offline friends, because I don't.
I enjoy my own company. I enjoy doing things by myself.
Who needs friends? They lie. They are fake. & They use you.
They expect you to be there for them, but when you're down,
who's going to be by your side? Who's going to tell you that
everything is going to be okay, and that you have them.
Nobody.
When I cry, I hold myself and tell myself that everything WILL be okay.
When I laugh, I smile and thank God for the happy moments.
Why do we expect people to make ourselves feel better,
when only we have the power to do so.
Why do we look for others, to love us,
when self love is much greater, and will ALWAYS be there.. no matter what.
Why do we change ourselves, or act a certain way... just to be accepted,
by people who aren't shit themselves.
Fuck your acceptance. I am me. I accept myself. And I'm not going to alter
myself for you or anyone else.
12:31 AM 
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Thursday, September 18, 2008 

Current mood:  sad
Category: Life
Wednesday morning, I woke up to my alarm clock, around 6. I went to wake my little brother up to get ready for school, and I crawled back in the bed. Couldn't go back to sleep, so I laid there with my eyes closed. About 7am, the phone rang. Instantly - crazy thoughts were running through my mind. I told myself, "please god.... don't let this be.." I picked up at the same time as my brother, and it was my Granny asking to speak to my mom. The sound of her voice didn't seem too good, not as bad as it sounded when she has called before to tell us bad news, but it just didn't sound good. When I heard her voice, I knew it. My brother gave my mom the phone, and the second after that, my mom was screaming. It took a few minutes to hit me. I stood there, staring, trying to tell myself that shes gone. As soon as it hit me, I was devastated. I was bawling, continuing to take in the bad news we just received. My mom continued screaming and crying.. asking God "why?" We hurried up, got dressed, and drove over there, trying to get there before the body was taken away. I was feeling mixed emotions during the car ride. I just couldn't believe it. My auntie was gone. It felt like deja vu because it was JUST last week that I was crying because I was so worried about her. It was just last week, we were all in the room, me laying on the floor, my mom and my auntie in the bed, and my granny sitting up, watching old black classic movies. She looked so thin, she hardly ate, and she was so weak. Our cousin Janet came up because something told her to come up that weekend. She was very close to my auntie. She had told us that Barbra told her that the cancer (she had breast cancer) had actually spread to her lungs. Barbra never told us that. She hid a lot of serious stuff from us. She didn't want us to know because she knew we'd panic. As soon as we got to my Grannys, I rang the doorbell and my uncle unlocked the door. We came in, giving my uncle, granny and little cousin hugs. I followed my mom upstairs to my aunties bedroom. I was scared and nervous. As I entered her bedroom, I saw her under her blanket, laying down in her bed. She looked so peaceful. I stood at the edge of the bed, massaging her feet while my mom sat next to her bed, hugging onto her and crying. She spoke to her, studying her face, and feeling her skin. She planted a kiss on her forehead, and let me have my turn. I approached her, knelt down, and held her. My little auntie barbra. The women who raised me, along with my mom and granny. The woman who I look up to and admire, for her strength, intellegence and beauty. Her body was so frail and cold. But I continued to hold her. I told her I loved her. And I'm sorry I didnt see her this week. I told her I tried. I told her I knew she tried, and never gave up. I let her know that we're gonna take care of her baby Joshua, and be there for granny. I kissed her on each cheek, and her forehead. As soon I was done, the firemen were there and so was more family saying there last goodbyes to her body. My older brother Skyler came, and he was takin it really hard. I went downstairs into my cousin Joshuas room and I sat on his bed and held his hand. He told me how he was feeling, and I listened. I told him that we're all here for him and he'll always have us, and he doesn't have to worry. I asked him if he wanted to go backupstairs, and he said no. He had already spent time with her before we came. He's only 11, and he's so strong. I think he's been preparing himself for this day, even though we didn't think it'd happen this soon. As more police came through, he closed his door, and played video games. We talked, we laughed, and I just really admired how he was handling it. He's a trooper. So I left the room [he had my brother there and a family friend] and I went back upstairs. My granny pulled out these little packets and told us My auntie left us a letter she wanted us all to read. She passed them out to each of us. So we all stood there, reading the letter. It was so beautiful. She told us how she looked at life, and how every day was truly a blessing. She saw the good in every situation, and appreciated everyone and everything she had. She left words for everyone, and it just really put us at ease. We laughed, cried, and reminiced about her. I know she was there with us, and her body sure was. It was just a really beautiful moment, and I will never forget it. I'll probably type up the letter she wrote, because its so inspiring and motivating, and I think the world should see it. She was a truly amazing person, who just looked at life and all of its possibilities. Everyone that knew her, loved her. Even if you hardly knew her! Even if you were just an aquantice, she was just that type of person you instantly loved because she glowed. She was different. I could tell her anything and she didn't judge me. She told me not to listen to anybody, and to follow my dreams and do what I think is right. When the funeral home came and took her body, my cousin stood in the backyard with my older brother because he just couldn't see that. I watched and it just felt like a piece of me was on that stretcher being put in the car. I stood there in tears, while one of the neighbors held me. I just can't believe that that was my auntie being taken away from me. I just thought about all the hugs, all the kisses...... theres not going to be anymore. Today was a really long day. A lot of family came through. Neighbors brought over flowers and cooked food. And everyone just spent time with my Granny. My granny told me everything that happened. How she checked up on her. How she went to the bathroom and heard her in the bed, breathing really loudly. And how she walked into her room at 5:14 and talked to her, heard no response, so she went and touched her, and her arms drooped, and patted her face, and she didn't wake up. She knelt down, put her face against barbras mouth... nothing. Joshua told me that when granny came into his room, she stood there crying and shaking her head, and he knew. Its weird because the room thay she died in, is the room that she gave birth to Joshua in. We didn't even know she was pregnant! She didn't show at all. She didn't even know she was pregnant!!! So yea one day, she just randomly had him in her room. She said her stomach hurt a lot and she felt like it was bad gas or something so she sat on the toilet.... and yea. Out comes Joshua. Lol!! But yea. I'm really gonna miss her. I don't think it has really truly hit me yet. It will though..... when I answer the phone and its not her... or seeing her around, or just being in her precense. Throughout the day we cried, talked, laughed, cried again, and so on. Joshua was really off and on. He'd go play, lay down, come talk to us, cry. He told us he feels so empty. And he'd give anything to just have 1 more week with her so they could do all the things they planned on doing. And that he wishes he was rich so maybe they could have had better health care and maybe she'd still be here. We told him it was her time, and thats all. She's not hurting anymore. That Chemo really messed her up. She already had her breast removed, and we had thought everything was going to be okay, but what she didnt tell us, was that she still had another battle (the cancer spreading). But really, I think chemo is just a faster way of killing somebody than cancer. I wish she didn't have to go through all of the pain she did. I hate to see my loved ones suffering. But I know shes no longer suffering anymore. It's going to be so hard but God never puts you through anything you can't bear. We have to all be strong for eachother, especially my cousin and granny. I'm just really still in shock. Man.....So me and my brother are home tonight, while my mom is with them.... My mom is going to sleep in my aunties bed, the one she died in this morning. I don't know how she can bear it, but I guess it's what will comfort her a little. That was her baby sister.

But I'm going to post the letter she wrote probably tomorrow. I hope it touches other peoples lifes, the way it did mine.



me, my cousin sa'cha, and my wonderful auntie barbra. so happy

before she found out she had cancer. she loved being with family and friends =] (she hated taking pictures! therefore i have none of her when she was sick because she hated for people to see her that way]

I don't really know what to do. I can say all the words in the book about being strong. But i'm just.... I can't even explain it. What am I gonna do without her?

R.I.P. To My HERO, My Auntie, My Heart
Barbra Ferrell
03/14/1960 - 09/17/2008

If there was typos in there, sorry, I just really can't re-read it to check for that.


3:02 PM 
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