Hopefully. We've been looking for some time and with prices so low we've had lots of options. There is one that is perfect for us, it could use another bathroom, but its not needed. It's close by where we are now and super close to a school and a little park. It's great. A huge back yard that we can put a pool in, a garden, kids playthings, and a puppy! We'd give the girls the master bed since its in the back of the house and we would take the smaller room since its just us two. We wouldnt have to worry about our pervy manager peeping in on us or the kids. We wouldnt have to walk a mission back and forth to the car, mailbox, or garbage. We can paint any colors we want...do whatever rennovations we want. We'd be so much more free to live life than we are here.
We arent trying to get too excited since we've been disappointed in the past. There is another house but its in Winton and I dont like the idea of my kids going to school in Winton. I just can't see them reaching their full potential there. Its bigger with the extra bathroom, but its Winton. No offense to anyone who lives there. I just cant see myself happy there.
I'll admit, Im excited. Already picking out colors and carpet. I just hope Im not disappointed again.

Cross fingers for us and pray!

I love my baby. She looks just like her daddy, I swear. She sleeps and makes faces just like him. She is just too freaking cute. She is always smiling and laughing in her sleep. She wont make any noises when she laughs she just moves her mouth like shes laughing. When she wakes up and stretches she does her kissy face, dad says she looks like shes singing. She loves taking a bath. When we are done I let her float on my arm and she just looks at me like whats this?? But I can tell she likes it. She just hates getting out, she gets cold quick. Her sisters still love her lots. They are always wanting to hold her or kiss her. No jealousy yet. Im waiting for it tho. Camryn bit her toe the other day. When I asked her why she said she saw me do it. LOL I only put it in my mouth like Im going to bite her little toes off, Camryn actually bit down. Calista hella screamed, poor baby. She still sleeps a lot but she is awake for longer periods at a time. Her eyes are getting more blue-ish. They were greyish blue but they are blue now. Shes just so much fun!

And she's lost her umbilical cord today. Im gonna save it as I did with Caitlynn's. Camryn's was lost in a diaper or something or she'd still have hers in her baby book.

She's already smiling and laughing in her sleep. Its too freaking adorable. She opens her eyes maybe twice a day for about 15 minutes at a time. I took her outside yesterday to get some sun. She's a little jaundice and the sun helps break down the blood cells that turns them yellow/orange. The neighbor girls across the way came over to have a look. They have a 6 month old sister and we shared news on the babies.

My mom brought us a baby book yesterday. I filled out all the info that I could. I also got flowers and a balloon bouquet from Fieldings parents in Morro Bay. They are so pretty and smell really good. Papa came to see the baby a few days ago and he says she looks just like me. I dont know who she looks like. She looks a little like Camryn when she was a baby, but Cam had darker hair and they dont look identical but you can tell they are sisters.

Fielding just said that maybe if he got me pregnant during the winter that we would have a boy. I asked him if he was going to carry it and deliver it and he said no, that it wasnt that hard and I could do it again, one more time. Hahaha, no. I dont think so Mr.

I am super sore. My back and pelvis hurt. It's sometimes hard to walk. My boobs are enormous and are hot and swollen. Pumping hurts. I still cant really sleep at night, I hear her every wimper and sound. She doesnt really cry, she yells. Like waaah! Come pick me up, or waahhh Im hungry! I have yet to see a tear fall from her eyes. She's a happy baby. I love her.

So Monday I had mediation with Brian and a mediator. Brian and I talked at the place about how he's sorry for all the drama and that he would never take Cait away from me since I am her mother and all. It went really well and we came to an agreement we would share custody and he would get her Sunday till Wed mornings. We signed the paperwork and took off.

I was having contractions all day and had lost my mucus plug in chunks the day before and that day. So when Nancy Grace was on, about 5:15, we went to the hospital. The nurses were sure Id be sent home. My doctor was already at the hospital when I got there so we just monitored the contractions which werent really registering but they could tell they were regular so he decided to give me meds to soften and dialate my cervix. At about 2am they started pitocin. A couple hours later they broke my water. I was given staydol 3 different times to help with the pain. After awhile the pain was so bad I asked for an epidural. It worked for awhile then only my right side was numb, super numb, and my left side felt as if there were shards of glass slicing me open. Oh it hurt so bad.

About 3 o'clock they put internal monitors inside me cause the contractions and her heart beat werent showing up on the paper. I had tons of wires inside me and tons of lines hooked to my iv. Her heart beat slowed way down and they put me on oxygen. For a minute things looked really bad and I started crying cause of the pain and the thought that she would die or something horrible was going to happen. Fielding did his best to keep me calm, although I could tell he was worried.

At about 5pm I was ready to push even though I really didnt want to. I did, but I didnt. It hurt so bad and its hell to try to push during a contraction. The nurse was a great nurse. She helped out so much and broke it all down without sugar-coating anything. My doctor wasnt there yet but she saw I was ready to push and told me to go ahead if I wanted to. I asked her if she wanted to deliver a baby and she asked me if I wanted her to. So I started pushing. My doc showed up, suited up and assumed the position before I even knew he was there. I pushed a good 5-7 times with everything I had and she was born. I was so worn out. Fielding cut the cord and I could feel him shaking. I looked at him, asked if he was ok and saw he was crying. It was so sweet. I started crying. I really thought he was going to pass out. He was shaking with his whole body. He said it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and said he was so proud of me cause he knew it hurt and that it was hard to do. I didnt even rip or anything. They doctor started to disrob and I was all, what? I didnt rip and he said no, that everything was great. It was really weird cause I'd ripped so bad with Cait and Cam I was expecting stitches. Nope. She just slid right on out. 

Fielding went and checked her out while they weighed her and checked her vitals. All I could say was how small she was. Caitlynn was 8lbs and 3oz and Camryn was 7lbs and 15oz. I was thinking she's be at least 7lbs. Almost. 6lbs 10oz and 19" long. She was perfectly healthy and breathing just perfectly. She was/is so tiny! She barely cried. They gave her to me right away and I tried to feed her but she wasnt hungry. They took her again to check her vitals again. Then she ate a little. I was suprised how they let me have her right after birth, I didnt get that time with either of the girls before. She was just so healthy and breathing so I got to spend the first minutes of her life with her. I felt so extremely blessed and happy. I was so tired tho. I had slept maybe 3 hours in 24 hours. So after 23.5 hours in the hospital in labor she was born. Nancy Grace was on the tv when she was born at 5:33pm.

Camryn came as soon as dad picked her up and she was so happy to see her sister. Caitlynn didnt come to the hospital as she was with papa. It was so fucking hot in the hospital that I just wanted to leave right away. I was sweating so much. It was seriously about 80 degrees in the hospital. In labor and delivery I had a fan on me the whole time but when I was moved to mother and baby recovery I didnt have the fan. I did have the room to myself for a good 12 hours tho, then another mom came who had had a c-section. While in recovery I could hear all the babies crying. I barely slept, even after they gave me a sleeping pill, resterol or something. I woke up at about 3am and went to see my baby in the nursery. They said she was fine and they hadnt heard her cry at all. She is such a good baby.

So after talking to my doctor and the Dr. Asadi they said we were fine to go home, but that we har to wait until she was 24 hours old, as precaution. So after dinner we got to go. We went and showed my upstairs neighbor, who works right down the hall, she was excited and thought she was beautiful. She told me she didnt even know I was pregnant till she saw me the other day getting out of the car. Lots of people didnt know I was pregnant. Weird. I should leave the house more often.

So we get home and we see our neighbors Monique and her boyfriend. They were happy for us and loved seeing her. Then we saw another neighbor who called his wife Debbie out to have a look. Her husband looked so proud lol it was weird as if he were a grandpa lol. Everyone thinks she's so adorable. She is so furry like a little hamster. Speaking of hamsters, ours escaped while I was at the hospital so I have no idea where he is. He was so cute, too! He must have slipped through the bars of the cage.

The girls are super happy to have her here. They fight over who gets to hold her first then dont want to give her up or take turns. It is so weird cause I look at the girls now and they seem so huge! They are so big!! It really put things into perspective. They seemed like regular kids before, now they look like giants lol. 

God, I love my kids. I really do. And I am so happy! I cant even find the words to describe how I feel. I love me family so much. I am honestly the happiest I have been in my entire life. Things seem so perfect now.

Im doing well. I am super crampy and sore from the epidural, but it was all worth it. I dont want to do it ever again, but it was worth it.  

So I am a little ticked off that I went to the dr yesterday and waited like an hour to be seen for 2 minutes. I gained 9 pounds in 3 weeks, which I can tell cause I am so much bigger and she is too. I had to strip at the waist and be tested for GBS. While I was undressed I asked the dr to check out my hemorrhoid, which would have been super easy for him to lift up the paper sheet and just look at it. He didnt even bother! Its not little either so its not like he would have had to strain to see it, just fucking look! But he didnt. He then felt the baby and I told him that she was head down and that I could tell because she has the hiccups daily and she hasnt moved from her comfy position. He said he didnt think she was head down and thought her head was her butt. So to be sure he took me to the ultrasound room where for 2 seconds he looked at the back of her head, which was down, like I said. He said it didnt feel right so he wasnt sure. Ugh! Im mad at the whole appointment and my "dr". First of all, I have to schedule my day around my appointment but he can be as late as he wants? Second of all, look at the fucking hemorrhoid! How hard would that have been? Then all he said was drink a lot of fluids (duh!) and take colace if its hard to push out. He didnt give me a prescription or anything. Then third of all shouldnt a dr know what end the baby's head is at? And forth, since he did do the ultrasound to verify that I was right, why couldn't he take 5 more seconds so I could see my baby's face? If it weren't so late in the game I'd switch doctors. I only have 4 weeks max left so I guess I'll deal with it, but wow, he's a dr. And he doesn't even care about my well being. I felt like I was inconviencing him. It's not like Im a needy patient, Im not pill seeking or attention seeking, just check out my concerns, what few there are. After she is born I am going to boycott MFA and anyone associated with them. I have worked for them so I know first hand all the shady shit that goes on there and I have been a patient for more than 7 years and I have never been fully comfortable with the care I have received. Wow. I am just so disappointed. I dont even expect him to deliver my baby. Im sure he'll be just like Dr. Johnston and not even show up after being called to the hospital. Im sure a resident will deliver me just as Dr. J had done. Its fucked up that there arent any other hospitals available in Merced County. And I hate that hospital. There are nothing but snotty ass bitches there. They act as if the patients owe them something or that they aren't sick or in need of medical attention. I even had my arm broken there in the ER by a nurse who had touched me inappropriately and when I complained he restrained me...with a broken arm! I should just go to Modesto when I go into labor but then that would just be harder on me and the family. I hate this area.

Im huge, my tummy is so stretched out. I cant sleep because of the heartburn I have all day and night. My back hurts thanks to that lovely nerve in my lower back/butt. I have to pee all the time and feel I will pee on myself if I dont go to the bathroom every 15 minutes. My baby is so big that even though she is head down, waiting to be born, she is kicking her feet out under my ribs and up into my stomach. It hurts to move. It hurts to lay in bed or sit in a chair. It hurts to eat. It just hurts.....wahhhh! I am so ready to have her! She's ready too, she gets excited when her sisters or dad talks to her and she kicks and kicks and squirms and flips. Everyone is waiting for this baby to come out. Everyone. My neighbors, my parents, the girls, Fielding. Its cute tho, he told me he's nervous to be a daddy to a little baby again. He cant wait to get his hands on her. Aw, he rubs his face all over my tummy and talks to her and she kicks him lol. Imma miss that. But geez, could I get a little comfort? I have to sleep with a ton of pillows to prop me up so the heartburn wont wake me up, but I choke on it and throw up everyother night. By morning time, when Cait goes to school, then I am finally able to get some sleep, but then Im starving and the process repeats itself.
Just thought I'd let you all know. Now please pray she comes soon lol

I dont even want to get into it in detail but I would like him to know that all the shit he is trying to do to hurt me, isn't hurting me...its hurting Caitlynn. He needs to stop acting like he cares about her, its obvious he doesnt or he wouldnt be reaching and doing the shit he is doing. All he is doing is hurting his daughter. If you cared at all you would just stop trying to make me look like the bad guy like I said, its not hurting me. Im not even mad about it Im just so hurt that he's hurting Caitlynn.
And what, you think having your mommy call me to tell me that as far as she's concerned the child support is paid up that Im just going to forgive and forget?? Really? First of all I havent gotten a check yet so I dont believe shit from you or your mothers mouth and second of all it isnt just about the money. Its about all your shitty ass attitudes. Its about how hypocritical and two faced you all are. I dont want my daughter around people like you. You dont even want her, your mother does. So just stop, cause like I said, it's not hurting me.

Tell your mom to stay out of it! It has NOTHING to do with her. Tell her to stop calling my dad begging him to let her see Caitlynn. And well, tell her that whatever you two did last week ended Caitlynn's visitation with Papa, so dont bother calling him anymore cause she wont be there...she's with me 24/7...all thanks to you. I wanted that for a long time now and your actions only helped me end her weekends over there. So now, IF you ever see her, you will be returning her to me, personally.  
Also if you have issues with your daughter and how I raise her then take me to court and get custody/visitation, cause until then you ARE NOT seeing her and I can promise you that...unless you kidnap her again. I dont care if I get a check in the mail for $1000, that shit you and your mommy pulled (and you know exactly what was done) has only made me more adamant that you will not being seeing your daughter until I have a court order. I can promise you that. And you know what, leave Camryn out if it. You know nothing about her or Caitlynn for that matter. And by the way dumbass, she JUST turned FIVE years old March 9th...and was signed up for kindergarten on March 26th. So you just looked really fucking dumb with all your "allegations" that we dont have her in school, you gotta be 5 to go to school, retard. But keep 'em coming cause its really entertaining. You are just making an ass out of yourself and you know what else...KARMA is a bitch, Brian, and so am I. But I have a feeling karma is going to be dealing more with your ass than I will be. Too bad you didnt die when your drunk ass fell off that freeway barrier wall. But keep drinking, alcoholic, cause its really gonna help me out in the long run. That and your history of domestic violence...remember the two hours you spent in jail before you got bailed out? Yeah, I do. Remember all the other times that the police werent involved? I do and so does my dad. But its all good, Brian. You think you have things on me that are gonna hurt me? You really need to think harder cause you dont have shit. I have nothing to hide, never have, never will. So keep it up, you'll just look like the bitch that cried wolf, over and over again.

Oh and do you still tape your nipples or have you moved up to a bro http://www.mancans.com.au/brabro/ ??
 
OOOO actually this is more your speed http://www.mancans.com.au/mantape/

You know last year I called Brian's mom to ask him to pay his child support. It seemed like from the get-go she was all for Brian supporting his daughter. So when he stopped paying it I turned to her to talk to him about it. I can't talk to him, everytime I try to he resorts to name calling and immature bullshit. He pisses me off so bad that I can't even communicate with him. So when I called Debbie to help out she told me she didn't want to get involved, that it was between Brian and I. Well since I can't have a civil conversation with him I haven't talked to him, other than last week when he called to tell me I was a bad mom and I only care about money. The conversation turned bad from the start. He's not going to call me up and start demanding shit from me. He's not going to call me up and talk shit to me. He's not. I'm not going to take his verbal abuse. That's why we broke up, that and his cheating ass and his abuse. Yes, he physically beat me up more than one time. The last time he did (and got caught), he went to jail but got bailed out right away thanks to his grandfather.
So it's all so comical to me that Debbie doesn't want to get involved, but yet she called my dad this morning to tell him it wasn't fair that I am holding Caitlynn hostage for money. First of all, stay out of it! You didn't want to deal with it when I was trying to be nice about it all. This has been going on for some time, you knew about it but did nothing to prevent it. Second of all, what happened to the belief that Brian should be financially responsible for his daughter? You know, that all came up when I was pregnant. Her and her ex-boyfriend from Indiana told Brian that he would be responsible for paying child support, for 18 years, and the best thing would be for me to get an abortion or put her up for adoption. Yeah, Debbie, all holy roller, told Brian to have me have an abortion. Oh, and I was pregnant a second time with Brain's baby, which Debbie herself drove me to the abortion clinic in Modesto to have an abortion, with her grandchild. And now she works at Alpha Crisis Pregnancy Center, or whatever they call it now. Now she's all against it and pro-life, when it's convenient for her. Bullshit. These people are such hypocrites. One set of rules for others when they live by a completely different set of rules. It's disturbing. It seriously makes me sick.
So yeah, she has the audacity to put herself back into the situation, but this time for the sake of her deadbeat son, not for her granddaughter. She wants to cry to my dad that she misses Caitlynn and it's not fair that I am holding her hostage for money. It's not about the money! It's about his, and now her, attitude about the money. It's about how he has no respect for me or Caitlynn. Raising a kid takes money, but it also takes love and compassion. And he doesn't love her. How can he be gone for the 6 years he was, not talking to her or seeing her but one time a month when he wanted to come and play dad? Is that love? Once a month? No. It's not. It's actually him being inconvienced. Him having to take time out of his busy life to act like a dad. He never wanted to be a dad, oh but now all of a sudden he does? No, he doesn't. Now it's about the money for him, he doesn't want to pay. He wants people to see him as a dad. As a good dad. Yeah, good dads go on to talk shit about their daughters mom. Good dads don't support their kids financially or even emotionally. He called his daughter illiterate. If he said that to me, what does he say to other people? I know he tells them that Caitlynn should live with him. Why? So he can verbally and physically abuse her on a daily basis? If he hates me the way he shows, then he is going to take that resentment out on his daughter. I know, I've personally lived thru him taking crap out on me, that didn't even have to do with me.
You know why it is such a big deal to me? You wanna know why I think he should pay his child support before he gets to spend time with his daughter? Because he gets to pretend to be such a great dad to all his friends and family. Because he bad mouths me to anyone and everyone, even my own daughter. Because there is a court order for him to do so! It's not like I'm just making up rules as I go. Not at all. He is her father and fathers are responsible for providing both money and medical insurance. He doesn't provide either. But I'm just supposed to let him play dad so that whoever can assume he's this great person? I don't think so. Not anymore.
Brian has done so much to hurt me, mentally and physically, and I'm not doing it anymore and I am not going to give him the chance to take it out on my daughter, the kid I have raised since birth. I love her more than life and I will not let him use my daughter to make him look like some kind of decent person.
I'm not perfect, never said I am. But I love Caitlynn with my whole heart. I do everything I can to provide for her and make her feel loved and safe. I do my best. This is way more than I can say about him. He doesn't even care about her as a person. He cares about him and other people, the other people he sees on a regular basis, people who judge him. He pretends to be something he's not and he really needs to stop. He really needs to learn to care about her, thru counseling or some other kind of help, or just stop pretending to be a dad. I will always be there to call him out on his bullshit. I will always be there to let him know how much I truely care about my daughter and not cause people expect me to or want me to, but because I really do.
I can't sit back and watch my child get stressed out because she has to see her dad. This last week was a good week for her. She was a great kid. We did her homework and read books for homework, plus extra books. She reads very well actually...better than some adults I know. We also worked on her handwriting, she gets lazy and she needs to constantly be reminded to focus and to take deep breaths. She gets nervous doing homework so we worked on slowing down and focusing. You would think a tutor would have taught her that reading isn't a race. I really don't know what kind of tutor there was in the first place. If you are paying for a tutor, wouldn't you expect the kid to actually be at the same level or higher in school, not behind? I don't know. All I can say was she wasn't made to see her dad and this was a great week for her.
And this is all on blast cause I am tired of people pretending...pretending to be something they aren't. I'm really tired of it all. 

  Oh oh oh And for Debbie to bring up smoking pot, something that occassionally happened and something I told her out of confidence last year is pretty messed up. If she wants to start bringing up petty shit like that, how about I call her older son and wife out for smoking pot, too. Years ago, when Caitlynn was a baby in a car seat, I found a sack of weed on her sons doorstep, like oops that shit just fell outta my (his) pocket. So, before you open your mouth about certain things, make sure your own nose is clean. And for her to even try to act all innocent like she never smoked weed is ridiculous. She grew up in the 70's...she also had a drug dealing boyfriend and had his sonat the age of 16, the same son that had the pot at his house. So for her to pretend to be something she's not is mind-blowing. She's reaching for shit now...and try to catch me slippin' I dare ya. Drug test me. While you're at it, drug test both your sons and watch Brian's alcohol consumption. Didn't that dumbass fall off a freeway barrier wall and break his back? Wow, he had to be pretty wasted to do something that fucking stupid. And he still continues to drink, even after that, huh? Yeah. Keep reaching tho. Cause I know way more shit about your perfect family than you got on me. I have nothing to hide...that's why I told Debbie about smoking pot last year. It's not like I'm a tweeker or a child neglector. And Im not pretending to be someone Im not. This is me. Deal with it, cause I'm not going anywhere and I'm not giving up my daughter.
 

My belly hurts. Baby is getting so big! I have a tender spot above my belly button and everytime she slides across or pushes out on the area it feels like she's slicing me open. It hurts  waaaahhh!
Imma have to kick her out. She cant get any bigger or Im going to explode.

So you want to talk about how I am a bad mom? Hm...How is it that you are a better parent? Cause in Caitlynn's 7 years of life she has spent a total of ONE night with you without your moms supervision, and even then it was a sleep over and she had her cousin with her.
You wanna say that Im a bad mom cause I wont let you parade my daughter around at your church (I know, how sad you claim to be christian when you have no morals or family values) and have you pretend to have her be tutored? I left that up to you since you sold it so well. Yeah, that worked out, so well that she's behind in school. I didnt find out till I got her report card today. I guess being the great dad that you are all the fun father/daughter stuff you do together got in the way of homework. You then call your own daughter illiterate and say that she cant read or write? Do you even spend any time with her? Do you read to her? Seriously, I want to know if you do. I do and I have. She can read and she can write, maybe not at a 3rd grade level (shes in 2nd grade), but she's doing what she can, and if I knew you werent spending the time with her that you pretend to then I would have spent more time reading with her. But how in the hell can you talk shit about your daughter like that? She's illiterate? No, you are just a bad father.
You wanna talk about how all I want is money? That makes me so mad, the last year you have paid child support maybe 4 times. I know for a fact I havent gotten a check in 8 months. If all I cared about was money I would have stopped your ass from pretending to be some kind of father 8 months ago when you missed that first payment. Its been 8 months and you want to tell me all I care about is money? No asshole, I care about my daughter and you should support her like the court order says to.
You wanna threaten me by saying you are going to take me to court? Do it jackass, I dare you. You'll only look bad in the end. Hm, seven years and she's spent one night with you. Seven years and you have seen your daughter how many hours, without your mommy watching over you? Seven fucking years and you have paid how much in child support? Take me to court, pay the court fees and such, so that I can show the judge just exactly what kind of parent you are. Maybe then you'll have your drivers license suspended for being so behind in your child support. Take me to court so that I can have someone re-evaluate your assests, cause didnt your grandfather just die and leave you an inheritance? Yeah he did, and Im pretty sure you were supposed to use that money to help take care of your daughter, cause your grandfather and Caitlynn were really close and I know he wanted you to take care of her. What a great grandson you turned out to be. What a great person in general @@.
And what exactly do you hope to accomplish at court? Some kind of court ordered visitation? Cause we all know that if your mom isnt there telling you or supervising you on what to do with her, you have no real interest in being her father. You think that for some reason you wont have to pay child support? Wow, keep thinking, Brian. Life was good when you were in the Marines and then whatever other job you had. You were never around and I got a check out of your pay every month, no questions asked.
Just do everyone a favor and stop pretending you care about her. You only care about how people perceive you. You are a total fake and an asshole, a shitty person all around. You never wanted to be a dad, you have made that oh so clear. So just stop while you are ahead. And pay your child support, cause you are aware that even though you arent making payments now, they just keep adding up to more back child support that you owe. Its not going to go away. You'll still be paying me when she's in her 20's and I'll be laughing the whole time, cause you thought you could just get away with it, that no one could tell you what to do.
Its all good though. I dont care that much about the money anyway, its just the point, the sole principal that you dont think you owe me anything, that you dont think you owe Caitlynn anything. Regardless of what you might think, I am the best mom that I can be. I have only ever wanted to be a mom. I love my kids and I support them unconditionally. Nothing or no one could ever replace them and I would never walk away from them. Never.
So get on with your pathetic little bullshit life. Im sure you think that whatever you are doing is so important, but I can tell you, nothing is more important or rewarding than being a parent, a parent involved in your kids life. Your turning out to be just like your own father and Im sure that makes you so proud.