Not Knotted

Now, never,
whenever, however.

Never done, never forget.
Never risked, never gained.
Always waxed, never waned.

Good Enough

I won't let this build up inside of me,  

I'm doing the best I ever did — better actually.

I'm doing the best that I can, being all that I can be.

But I didn't think that it was good enough. I was too blinded by shame to see

that 'good enough' is relative —

and there's nothing for anyone to forgive.

I just have to accept that some intrinsic limitations are a part of how I live.

And that's the point I've been missing — Even as failure seemed imminent, I still gave it all I had to give.

Of course I wish that was "good enough" to pass that test, but I know that test is arbitrary.

I shouldn't have let pride stand in the way,

accommodations were probably necessary

because it takes me time to think illogically

I'm not even sure I want to know that I've got that ability.

Putting things back in perspective and remembering  my goal,

I'm proud of what I've done as a whole.

Stress reached critical levels and symptoms returned but I kept it under control.

Most importantly, I've learned to admit to weaknesses and ask for help, so now I'll never fold.

Hey, hey I tried it your way,

going slow, taking it day by day,

gave my love freely,

and waited for it to come back to me,

I didn't hold back, I spoke straight from the heart,

yeah, I tried it your way and it tore me apart.

I took down my walls, let someone get close to me,

opened my heart, letting my emotions run free,

and I was afraid but I let them show,

you said I had to risk it for love to grow,

you said trust and honesty would set me free,

but those walls weren't a prison, they were protecting me,

and so I was vulnerable for love that was never returned,

when I should of known better then to give trust that wasn't earned,

but I did it your way, and your way was a dumb way,

time to do it my way, live what I learned back in the day,

when I was living fast and having fun,

and didn't care if he was the one,

when I ignored the golden rule,

and wasn't played for a fool,

should have known better, learned long ago how to play the game,

should have known better, only have myself to blame,

shouldn't have been swayed by your idealism, been down that road before,

knew how much it could hurt, never should have reopened that door,

but now that I've been reminded, I'm going back to doing it way,

being very careful, analyzing every play,

not giving anything away for free,

if he wants my love, he'll have to prove he respects me,

I'll be honest but I'm not baring my heart,

not giving him the chance to tear me apart,

my walls are staying up, no one is getting close to me,

unless they take the time to find the key,

not sharing my feelings until I feel secure,

not taking risks anymore,

not trusting anyone till its been earned,

never forgetting the lessons I've learned,

and you can me a player, you can say I'm missing out,

but you don't what the hell you're talking about,

I tried it your way, your way left me broken and alone,

have to do it my way, protect myself with a heart of stone,

can't question it or worry about what might have been,

I have to do it my way, I just can't take that pain again.

Where are you, why do haunt me?

Who are you, what do you want to be?

Will you help me, will you hold me down?

Will you free me, or will you keep me bound?

Do you love me, are you consumed by hate?

Do we have a choice, could it be fate?

Will you be angry, or will you be sad?

Will you know what I've done, the lovers I've had?

Will you care, will you make it right?

Will you give it up or is it worth the fight?

Will you find me, or continue to taunt?

Will it be forever or will I become a haunt?

I can feel it when you look at me,

the anger and the jealousy,

I can see it going through your head,

no, the words don't have to be said,

you think I've had it easy, gotten everything for free,

and if you had the chances I did, you'd do so much better than me,

you refuse to see my hard work, apparently it doesn't matter,

you're so convinced that my success was delivered on a silver platter,

and you long to go where I have gone, to know what I have known,

and my problems, they are trivial, nothing compared to your own,

so I'm not allowed to be upset and I'm not allowed to complain,

because you know I've always had the perfect life and I have never known pain.

But you don't know me, you don't me at all.

You weren't there the times I had to crawl,

you weren't there when I watched my world fall apart,

you weren't there when they broke my heart,

you weren't there when my love was abused or my trust was betrayed,

you weren't there, you never asked, so you'll never know the price that I paid.

And you wouldn't have seen it when I was dying inside,

no, you're just another who wouldn't have tried,

you only see what you want to see,

you make no attempt to really know me,

you have these expectations you want me to fit,

all because you aren't willing to admit,

that in many ways I am just like you,

that you can have what I have and do what I do.

It's so much easier to say poor me,

it's so much easier to believe I got it all for free,

cause you are not willing to work, you don't even try,

you party instead then come home and cry,

bitch and complain that you don't have anything,

say it just isn't fair that I have everything.

Well I can't stand it, just can't stand it anymore,

everything I have, I worked really hard for,

and I deserve all that I have attained,

I won't feel guilty anymore and I refuse to be blamed,

cause it isn't my fault, the blame lies with you,

what you have is directly related to what you do,

so give credit where credit is due.

Excuses aren't the reason — very simply put, it's that I've worked much harder then you.

What are your beliefs?

What are your ideals?

You tell me that you love me,

but I have to know its real.

I'm not saying that I won't love you,

but you have to understand,

I have to know you as a person,

before I can love you as a man.

Tell me your values,

I'm sorry if you can't,

blind love just isn't good enough.

I hope that you understand.

I know that in the past, I may have sped things along,

gone a little too far and done some things wrong.

It may have been my fault, I wouldn't tell you how I feel,

but how dare you tell me, that what we had was not real.

It takes a lot for me to open up, and maybe I didn't at first,

but then I told you all my hopes and fears, of my best times and my worst.

You told me that you understood, that you liked this side of me.

Then you promptly turned away and stripped me of my dignity.

If you didn't believe me, or thought our time was through,

why didn't you just tell me? I'd be a lot less confused.

Maybe I did screw up, I've never done this before,

but don't treat me as a lady, if you consider me a whore.

So thank you for taking my innocence, thank you for taking my pride.

Thank you for showing me that there is no soft side.

Thank you for taking my love, thank you for taking my trust

Thank you for showing me these things mean nothing, when all the other has is lust.

Thank you for letting me believe, that you actually cared about who I am.

Thank you for showing me the truth, that love is nothing but a shameful scam.

Thank you for showing me, I mean nothing to you in the end.

Thank you for being my lover, thank you for being my friend.

If you already know that we need to speak up NOW so that we retain the right to speak freely & privately then please ACT NOW.

Just visit the site, they offer several methods of helping you make yourself heard; some quick & easy and some very creative (& in my opinion these are taken more seriously by Congress).

If you are undecided,or unsure about what is at stake then please visit the site for more information. Thank you.

Below is a qoute from the site that outlines the issue at stake.

"Speak out against telecom immunity with your photos, videos, and phone calls!

Don't just tell Congress to stop the spying -- show them.

Countless citizens have told Congress to reject telecom immunity, but the Senate is still threatening to pass a bill giving immunity to lawbreaking phone companies. It's time to get creative and move beyond words. Let's show our elected representatives who supports the rule of law -- ordinary Americans from across the country. We'll deliver your multimedia messages to lawmakers to drive the point home: no immunity for lawbreaking telecoms! (more info)"

Thank you for taking the time to read this,
Lora