Here are the odds of rolling your favorite combinations in Cee-lo. Correct me if I am wrong on any of this.

Once you have performed an appropriate Cee-lo move and the three dice have left your hand (shoe, shirt, head, shovel, etc.), there are 216 different things that can happen. Exactly half of those things amount to nothing. The other 108 get you a score. Since rolling nothing means you get to roll again, there are really only 108 different combinations you can roll.

Single:  90/108, or 15/108 for each individual single. (5/6, or 5/36 each)
456:  6/108; same for a 123. (1/18)
Triple: 6/108, and for each individual triple there is only ONE combination out of 108 that will get you that score.

So, you might ask, why is a 456 better than a trip 1? You're six times more likely to roll a 456 than a trip 1, and equally likely to roll 456 as a triple in general.

The answer is that a 456 is a fuckin' 456, and you shouldn't be sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Who do you think you are?

However, what we can all learn from this is that anytime someone PUSHES a triple, that is just the craziest shit in the world, and everyone should flip out and wreck the place and get naked and call their loved ones and thank God for granting them the opportunity to witness such an amazing event.

It saddens me to have to be the one to announce the end of an era.

Lovers of cheap food and booze across the nation were instantly captivated when the Budweiser Brewing Company introduced its 24 oz. cans, grand in stature, almost comically so, and for sale at the astoundingly reasonable price of $0.99. The price was so good, in fact, that many suspected the company of trying to unload some wildly unpopular product on unsuspecting New Yorkers.

Inevitably, rumors of a markup began to arise. Most, including myself, disregarded this noise. However, a very reliable source on the inside recently informed me that the impeding price hike was no rumor. And Americans, yesterday, February 15, 2007, that price hike became a reality.

I apologize for failing to bring you this information sooner.

We will now have to come up with $1.49 to sip from one of these lovable, fast-warming, oversized cans. This baffling 50% markup is sure to have consumers panicked for months, and refrigerator displays nationwide will likely be reduced to wreckage as customers repeatedly return cans to where they found them after hearing the bad news at the register.

But there is good news from the higher end of the beer spectrum. Right under everyone's noses, the Beck's company has been selling a 24 oz. bottle for $1.99, which is, to date, the lowest price per ounce for which Beck's has ever been made available. Kudos to Big Champagne for stumbling upon this deal.

Another ray of sunshine comes from Dunkin' Donuts, which on January 29 introduced its delayed but formidable response to McDonald's McGriddle sandwich. It is called the New England Maple Cheddar sandwich, and it will be available until March 11. Food and drink researcher Big Champagne John Oliva is widely considered to be the foremost authority on this sandwich, so direct any queries or concerns his way. Perhaps he can be persuaded to share some of his opinions on this and other issues, such as the increasingly inconsistent quality of Dunkin' Donuts' famous coffee.

Thank you for bearing with us during this difficult time.

Dear people who name movies,
There is no reason to keep naming movies like these movies are named:

Saving Silverman
Chasing Amy
Finding Nemo
Finding Forester
Serving Sara
Waking Ned Devine
Driving Miss Daisy
Drowning Mona
Saving Private Ryan
Being John Malkovich
Deconstructing Harry
Kissing Jessica Stein
Divorcing Jack
Teaching Mrs. Tingle
Searching for Bobby Fisher
Losing Isaiah
Surviving Picasso
Waiting for Guffman
Owning Mahoney
Killing Zoe
Raising Cain
Raising Helen
Regarding Henry (that one's iffy)
Saving Emily
Avenging Angelo
Killing Emmet Young
Fighting Tommy Riley
Eating Raoul
Guarding Tess
Becoming Jane
Being Julia
Killing Pablo

Thank you.

The New McDonald's Snack Wrap: Is Truth Stranger than Chicken?

By now, I'm sure you've all heard about the newest creation to come from the McDonald's kitchen: The Snack Wrap, which graces its own colorful sign offset from the regular menu and tagged with the alluring price of $1.29. Some, like myself, are the type to dash off to the nearest Mickey D's location before the commercial is even over, but many of us are afraid.  Is it really worth the buck twenty-nine? Is this just another flash-in-the-pan, limited-time-only space-filler that will dazzle for two weeks and then go the way of the Big 'N Tasty? Friends, I am happy to announce that I've done the leg work for you.

Sitting bundled up tight on the tray, the Snack Wrap doesn't cut a very impressive figure, but don't be fooled. With bread banished from the equation, what you see is mostly meat. The ingredients speak for themselves: one Chicken Selects Strip, ranch dressing, and lettuce, topped off with grated cheddar and jack, thoughtfully combined into one all-purpose supercheese.

Feel free to say with you're thinking: why not save the 29 cents and go for the now-classic McChicken sandwich, which has been filling drunken stomachs since the the 80's? A valid point, but by the time you're done adding the cheese, you're already up to $1.39, and you're still shouting at the asshole working the drive-thru to hold the mayo and add Big Mac sauce or ranch dressing.

Some feel it's worth the effort, and they may be right, but there is one important advantage to the Snack Wrap: the usual floppy chicken puck is replaced with the whimsically-shaped, far crispier Chicken Selects grade strip. This innovation provides for an offering that may just convince you that you're sitting in a KFC and have just taken a bite out of one of their formidable Twister Wraps.

While McDonald's newest brainchild may not be daring enough to replace its equally affordable cousin, the impact it will have on our lives will undoubtedly be positive. Whether you're an avid rest stop gourmand or a sweaty skateboarder pulling in a five-buck-a-week allowance, don't be afraid to pony up and order one. That is, unless you feel like a pansy ordering a wrap at a burger joint.