I'll admit, last weekend I was a bit nervous about trying to be friends with J.R. But, he was right--at this point, things are just too crazy for a relationship to work. But, my oh my, does he need a friend right now, and that's the very least I can do for him, even if I have to work to keep my feelings in check. Having someone there, just frickin' there with you, when you're going through a lot of shit means so much more than anything that happens between the sheets. Those friends stay with you and become like family.

And J.R. is the first real person I've met in a long, long time. This goes beyond him being a nice guy.

OK, so things were getting interesting with J.R., the actor, when I suddenly had a relapse from my "problem" that eventually landed me in therapy for a year-and-a-half. It's not like I haven't relapsed before; unfortunately, this one came out of nowhere--I still haven't been able to figure out what triggered it. And, to top it off, I was with J.R. at the time, and it kinda freaked him out, so much that he abruptly decided that he doesn't want to see me (meaning, date me).

Well, so much for having a bad day! Granted, you-know-what is a bit more serious than the average bad day. Still, everyone has a past, and I have yet to meet a person who doesn't have at least one proverbial skeleton in their closet. OK, so it freaked him out. How does he think I feel? I'm the one who went through it, yet I ultimately pay the price for something I didn't even do.

I don't want J.R.'s pity, or anyone else's. And I don't need more frickin' therapy--I was in a good place before Friday, so this is just a minor setback, and once the dust settles, I'll be fine. I just don't think it's fair that I have to do all the reassuring (no, I'm not gonna off myself. Dude!) and all the lag work.

Relationships are supposed to be a two-way street, and, yeah, there are times when stuff comes up that's unpleasant to deal with. If we're ultimately measured by how we react under pressure, then I don't know who's more at fault:  J.R. for freaking out, or me for relapsing when triggered so suddenly.

Time will only tell, but this doesn't bode well, does it? (Oh, well, he's not the first guy to react badly to it. I'm just tired of it already!)

As of October 16, my non-existent social life goes into hibernation. I'm transferring to Tacoma for four months (thank you, HR! ), which is going to involve a two-hour, one-way bus ride. Yeah, so besides the fact that I get to work in another office with some awesome people and do different work, and finally get my 8-hour days back, I'm losing an additional hour of sleep--not good when you have a sleep disorder. At least this gives me a valid reason not to date, other than just being tired of jerk-off guys.

(Yeah, I've been watching too much "House.")

And, really, I am looking forward to this, other than the sleep thing, but I'll adjust, or my head'll explode.

I posted a few pics--well, the ones that turned out--from last night at the Pub. Click on View My Pics, then click on Class of 1998--10-year Reunion.

On Sunday, I'll post the ones I take tonight at The Shire.

I finally uploaded the pictures (minus the few Mom still has on her instamatic) from our road trip to Reno last month. We traveled through the Columbia River Gorge, Walla Walla, Hell's Canyon, Baker City, Sumpter Valley, Burns-Hines, Frenchglen, Denio Junction, Winemucca, Reno, Virginia City, Carson City, Alturas, Susanville, Klamath Falls, and concluded out trip at Crater Lake. 

Please leave comments. I'd love to hear what you all have to say. I've also been updating to other albums periodically, so be sure to check those out, too.

Hooray for Pokey! (Sorry, inside joke. My bad, Paul; couldn't help myself.)

Will I lose my job?

Will I get a decent LSAT score?

Will I ever get rid of my insomnia?

Will I ever be able to tell my dad about the unmentionable thing I've kept hidden for the past eight years?

Will I ever find the next Mr. Dunderhead, and how little time will it take me to scare him off?

Why the hell am I being so damn negative?

I can always get another job, even if it's waiting tables, though I'm 10 years rusty.

I can retake the LSAT.

I can investigate alternatives to sleeping pills, especially if my neurologist tells me "hell, no."

I nearly told Dad last month, and he told me to wait till I was comfortable, or that I didn't have to tell him at all. It's easier to even mention therapy, and I'm considering confronting what's-his-face, so telling Dad doesn't seem as scary anymore.

I may have found my next Mr. Dunderhead, in the form of a humorous computer geek grad student, who's actually around my age. (I know, shocking!) It's looking like our first date, in the form of hanging out, will be next week. Dude! I cannot wait to meet this guy!

I know that some of my problems, especially ones at work, I have brought upon myself, but I do not appreciate being blamed for the reduction in office morale. Besides, I'm only reflecting what I have been presented from my fellow secretaries. Yeah, that may make me a snarky bitch, but I will not stand for being singled out for something that several people are doing.

I hate being honest. Makes it very difficult to glue on a saccharin smile and pretend things are hunky-dory.

At least Paul and I are OK again. I missed him so much!

OK, so for the last few days, I've been attending some legal assistant training through work, which is really awesome, 'cause I'm learning a lot and it'll look good on my permanent record and add to my legal background for when I go to law school--which will come sooner than it feels.

However, today one of the modules was the court system, and hearing about the criminal stuff and statutes of limitations and which type of court handles what unexpectedly spun me into a strange myriad of thoughts about [the thing I can't mention, but it's what I'm going to therapy for], and I'm sitting there, so obviously triggered, wishing I had a box cutter or a bottle of Vicodin or a beer or a bottle of something harder. I think if we would've had a break close to that time--which was not too long into the session, though all of the previous presenters had given us multiple breaks--I probably would've called my anonymous friend and talked through it with him. By the time we did have a break, I'd sorta calmed down and felt better, so I didn't think I need to talk about it by that time.

Boy was I wrong!

I'm now on my second beer--albeit cheap, crappy beer--since 5 p.m., and if I do find a bottle of Vicodin, who knows what I might do. (No, I'm not going to kill myself.) Even after 8 years of dealing with [that thing], it's like a shadow that won't go away, and it keeps stabbing at me, trying to hurt me. And today, it succeeded in making me hurt, even though I now know that it wasn't my fault, and [dick-hole] can rot in hell--I'll put him there myself, if I have to.

I know these things take time, but wholly crap! Just let me feel normal for once, whatever the hell that is....

P.S. I highly recommend making the bed while intoxicated. I think tonight was the first time ever that I've gotten the fitted sheet on properly on the first try. Whew-hoo! Hooray for psycho drunk girl!

"Boobies....nothing but boobies!" ~ Valley of the Dolls (movie)

My, oh, my!

I'm not going to say what I did, if anyone else was involved or whom, but I will admit that it was damn fun, and I am not sorry it happened.

Should I have done it? Probably not. Will I regret this sometime in the future? I don't believe so. Maybe I'm just being a selfish, snotty bitch. Or maybe I'm finally just enjoying my life, moment by moment, and not worrying about tomorrow.

Dare me not to smile :-)

OK, so I haven't been on here too often lately. And, I honestly can't predict how often I'll be back on here.

I've been dealing with some issues lately that I should have dealt with 8 years ago, and there have times that I need to be alone and deal with things. So, please understand I'm not blowing you all off on purpose; I'm just dealing with me and my closet of skeletons.

So, I'll see you all when I can. But please don't be disappointed if you don't hear back from me very often. See you around, my lovelies!!!