Please do not lean on doors.

I thought about this as I sat across the solid faces. Numb from life.

Please do not lean on the doors. They will not support you.

When was the last time I felt support from anything? At all?

People can disappoint you? How much we need to have a universal group hug.

Heath Plan? Maybe a hug could start the whole thing off right.  It'd be cheaper too. 

Please do not lean on the doors. You could fall. And as I lean on that door I already knew I had fallen a long time ago.

Been falling …hit the track a few months ago. They weren't that bad at all. They actually broke my fall for a second. I have more falling to do.

Missed stop was okay cause honestly I was never getting off. Off on this game we call aspiration. To be or not. Not seems to be more comforting right now.

They don't know what they want those doors…..

Don't lean on them……they wont support you as long as you lean on them …

You have to stand just a little on your own before you can comfortably lean.  You may even have to hold that nasty bar…so you don't stumble.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling playful I like to look at the doors and not lean or touch at all.

Sometimes I like to stair into it, the black hollow of it. The raciness of the black tunnel in its funk and grime waiting to embrace me.  Inviting often,

I almost lunge forward but there is that door……closed and asking me to stand back, not to lean.  I balance myself . I let my body sway back and forth and I find it more relaxing to let it take me away , that trainy way.  Even to stumble was better then to lean cause I was in control of that too. But to lean….who knows who would catch me? Or what?

Don't lean on the doors. They may open up while the train is moving and then you may have to face life head on. 

I stare at the sideway faces in front of me and with my eyes I catch their gaze and wonder all the time, Why wont you catch me if I fall?  And as if a dream they always answer me, "You have already fallen little girl…we're just waiting for you to get back up on your two feet. (weird smile and then) Okay?

And as if no one else on the train heard this I stand up and leave that train behind with those people who would not take part in my leaning game. Their souls carried off to another destination….no one leaning as they go. Just silently dying as they follow the rule....Please do not lean on this door.

 I'm glad my stop was next.

It was time to get off….

(please when reading this do not take it personal I write this to vent and as before all things, words are appreciated) I've been so worried about everyone else… this was for me.) 

Things people say in the end…. 

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  Imma pray for you. I've been praying harder then ever. I have not prayed in a long time I'm gonna pray for you. I prayed so hard.  Anything you need? Anything at all? And I mean anything. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm there for you. Call me. Call me at anytime I don't care…just if you need to talk. Coffee? Lunch? Dinner?

This is so horrible. So tragic, how's your family? Are they okay? I know. I know what you are going through. I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel. I know how you feel my mom just passed.  I know how you feel my dad just passed. Nothing even compares to your loss. I've been there. Is there any news? Nothing to say, nothing I can say. This is a tough one. It's hard to know what to say…nothing. Whatever you need … call me when you're ready to talk, I didn't want to call and overwhelm you, we were looking for the right time to call, I know people must have been constantly calling you that's why I wanted to wait. Let's not talk about it unless you want to. Let's not talk about it. Only if you want to….

You wouldn't see me for 10 years. You wouldn't see me. I would be in a cave.

I can't believe you are even standing right now. How are you? Are you okay? Really? How is your family? Oh my GOD I'm so sorry. I watched the news every day. We watched everyday. He was watching and following the news every day. I saw the email. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. What's mine is yours. I know that guy did this…what do you think? Can't talk about it, huh?  Did they catch him? What is going on with the investigation? Oh I understand. I'm here, I'm worried about you, I can't believe you are still standing, are you sure you're okay? You were so quiet. Have they caught him? We don't have to talk about it… of course.

Are you slowly working yourself back in? How is your mom? I don't even know what I'd do. I know I would be a mess. I can't even imagine, it just doesn't seem real, I know this is tough, how do you manage your depression? I have no words, How are you holding up? Are you holding up? Hold up now. Want to eat. Sex?

Are you dealing okay? I'm so sorry. I'd be in a cave if this happened to me.

You know this is a street thing, right? We need to handle this, All I have to do is give a nod and it's on, aint no talking it's done. You wouldn't see me in ten years. I was looking at my sister and it touched me so deeply. I have daughters and I cant  ever imagine. I've never had anyone close to me that this happened to. I wanted to see how you were doing? I'm not gonna say nothing unless you want to talk. I know this can't even compare not even close but guess what happened to me? Wow. I didn't know her but I know you and I thought about you every day. I think about you every day.  I feel your loss. I'm so saddened by your loss so I wrote this song. Read my poem. You're loss woke me up…how come you didn't respond to how much it touched my life?

Are you okay? I have not heard from you. This is crazy. How was your holiday? How was your thanksgiving that had to be hard. Are you happy? I see you're smoking again. Did they catch him? So that was her body? Do you know who did this? I'm sure you don't want to talk about this. What are the cops doing? You sure? I'm glad the media covered a black woman that went missing. Why hasn't Oprah done a show on this? These men these days? Huh? I can tell you what woman should do from now on. This is why I can't stand men. I can tell you what I would have done. It must be nice to know how so many people love you.

Response:

No one can know my pain. It is the loneliest pain one could ever feel.. At the end of the day there is only one person who matters to me….Nailah.

I remember her with sharp tears and swallowed breaths of sorrow. And then I pick up the rest of the pieces of my life and I walk outside into the cool breeze to start another day.

I continue to live in honor of Nailah. No one person can ever take that away from me. It has always been the loneliest journey. Not so bad when you know the end of the story means I will see her again. My sister. My little Queen who Succeeds.

In the end this is what they will say about me when I am gone….it continues on..... that song.

NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT RAPE

BUT GANG RAPE

THAT'S JUST CASUAL SEX AT BEST

THAT'S FUNNY TO ME

                                                                                 THERE'S

THAT

ONE MOTHERFUCKER THAT

CAN'T QUITE GET IT RIGHT

I MEAN HIS DICK JUST WON'T FIT 

 SO HE TURNS YOU ON YOUR SIDE

 NEVER EVEN TOUCHING

A PUSSY WALL

I TRY TO MAKE IT BETTER

BY SAYING,"THAT'S OKAY

I WASN'T COMING ANYWAY"

THEN THERE'S

THAT

MASTERBATOR IN THE CORNER

HE DOESN'T SPEAK A WORD

ALL HE DOES IS STARE

WHILE MY BODY SWAYS

HE AIN'T GOING NOWHERE

HE JUST JERKS AND PULLS

TWISTS AND TURNS

AND SILENTLY GLARES

HE'S ALONE IN HIS NASTY

HE CAN'T TOUCH HER

HE CAN'T LOVE HER

RATHER THAN JOIN IN

HE SMILES AT HER INSTEAD

THEN THERE'S

THAT

ONE IN THE CLOSET

 READY TO COME OUT

IT'S HIS TURN

TO ROCK THE PONY

OF FUCKIN' LOVE

HE'S GOT THAT MAGIC TRICK

CIRCUS PRICK

OF COMIN IN WHILE THE OTHER

CONTINUES TO GRIND

IN THE SHADOWS

THEY ALL FADE INTO

ALIEN HEADS IN MOONLIGHT

AND SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH FOR

SHE HAS A

LONG NIGHT AHEAD

SHE IS GRACEFUL WHEN SHE WAKES 

HER WOMAN HOOD THROWN ACROSS THE CHAIR

SHE IS CATLIKE AS SHE SNEAKS OUT

INTO THE MORNING AIR.

I never understood why people wrote blogs. I always felt it was some selfish way of letting people know you think, and your thoughts are soooo important.

so here I go....you will notice that I don't care for punctuation. I talk like a runon sentence ...so I will write like one.

I went outside yesterday because I felt the pressure of a beautiful day only to be upset by the fact that each time I leave my house I am reminded that the summer before I was much thinner and flatter.

I call myself cleaning by using feng-shui method of just throwing shit out, but what really is happening is I can't fit in the fucking 4 size jeans anymore. uhhhhh! so I throw three bags of close out before getting my coffee. What a nice start to the day.

But I manage somehow and walk like an alien in my own clothes. My tits are so huge now I can't walk by any male without them spitting some dumbfuck knowledge that makes their ego as big as their cockycockdingdongshit.

So I keep walking and decide maybe if I call someone on my cell this would keep the dirty boys toungues trapped in their mouths for a polite second.

Of course not. Sometimes they get even closer cause.... what would a beautiful big breasted girl be talking about on her cell phone on a sunshiny day.

" Have a nice day beautiful."

That's not so bad, huh?

"You take care now."

"Yo ma!"

"pssssssssttttttttmmmmmmmmmaah"

( I can't make this one out but imagine some creature from jungles of africa seeking to fuck all of a sudden)

And a final..

"Get off the phone tiitybitch!"

I put my headphones on instead.  I turn on some funky house and make every stinky male on the street dissapear forever.

All of  this because they keep telling me it's a nice day and I must go out to feel it.

I felt it