Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect retirement home.

 

December 10 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

 

December 12 - Bob asked if we wanted to go Skiing with him this weekend. We said no we were going to stay in and play Cribbage and just have "Quality Time" the wife and I, and another 6 inches of snow is predicted for tonight.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all this is New Brunswick, Vacation Land

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation for Kids Hockey or something and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here from California ? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother.
9" predicted for tonight.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But why am I tied to the bed?

Thank God!!!! My fifth semester is over. I now have over 70 credits after next semester I'll have 89. Only 90 can transfer.

I'm looking at colleges to transfer to right now. I'm leaning towards Potsdam. Far enough away not to commute close enough to come home a few weekends. Also my home friends could come visit a few times.

My next semester is going to be so crazy!!!

Over 15 credits. Biology 112, dead animals to cut to bits. Fun. Not. Statistics. More math. Ugh!!! Also American Sign language. And a couple other classes I have no idea what else but I think I have 19 credits.

Wish me luck with finally finishing my Associates Degree!!! (Two year degree in three years not bad).

 Buy a dog

saw this online and thought some of you might find it to be asusing...i did!!!
Aug 12 - Moved to Upstate New York. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so serene and beautiful. Can hardly wait to see snow cover them. God's country...I love it here.

Oct 14 - Upstate New York is the most beautiful place. The leaves are turning all different colors, I love the shades of red and orange. I went for a ride through the beautiful country side and spotted some deer, they are so graceful certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise Upstate New York, I love it here.

Nov 11 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon...I love it here.

Dec 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white, it looks like a post card. We went outside and cleaned the snow off of the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, (I won) and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway out again. What a beautiful place. Mother nature in perfect harmony... I love Upstate New York.

Dec 12 - More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again (that rascal). Winter wonderland... I love it here.

Dec 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fuckin snowplow...

Dec 22 - More of the white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from all this damn shoveling. I think the snow plow man hides around the corner and waits till I'm done shoveling my driveway...asshole!

Dec 25 - "White Christmas" my busted ass! More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll castrate that dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt this fuckin ice.

Dec 28 - More white shit fell last night. Been inside since Christmas Day, except for shoveling out the driveway after "Snow Plow Harry" comes by, prick...god damn car is behind a ton of snow. The weatherman said to expect another 10 inches of white shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels of snow 10 inches is?

Jan 1 - Happy Fuckin New Year. The weatherman was wrong (again.) We didn't get 10" last night, we got 34", stupid ass weatherman anyway. At this rate it won't melt before the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road and the shithead had the balls to come to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I've broken 6 shovels already, shoveling all the shit; he pushed into my driveway, I broke the last one over his fuckin head.

Jan 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food, on the way back a god damn deer ran in front of me. I hit the bastard and tore my car all to hell. Did $3,000 in damages. Those fuckin beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed all of them last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing rotted out from all the fuckin salt they keep dumping all over the road. Car looks like a piece of shit.

May 10 - Moved back to Florida, I can't imagine why anyone in their right fuckin mind would ever want to live in this god;-forsaken place called Upstate New York

City vs Country Country or City %Share 7:50pm Today

 [ ] I've been to starbucks more than once in my life

[] I link arms whenever i walk with someone

 [ ] I shop at ae, a&f, or hco

 [ ] I own 2 or more polo shirts

[x] I will never be caught without my cellphone

 [x] I usually crank my music up while driving

Total 2

[ ] I wear flipflops no matter what the weather

[ ] I own an oversized pair of sunglasses

 [] I own 1 or more pairs of ripped jeans [

x] I layer my shirts

 [] I will do anything to get the best myspace pic

[] I go to the movies frequently

Total 1

 [] When I'm not drinking starbucks I prefer water

 [] I get annoyed with slow drivers

 [x ] I get bored easily

 [] I have seen almost every episode of o.c, simpsons, family guy or american dad

[] My dad gets contractors to do everything

[] I say "lol" in almost every sentence of every online conversation

 [x] I own tight jeans

 Total 2

 [ ] I wear large necklaces

 [] I own an ipod/mp3 player

 [x ] The internet = survival

 [] One of the sports I play/played is football, baseball, basketball

 [ ] Have more than 1 aim screen name

Total 1

 [ ] I have said "lol" or "omg!" in a real conversation

[ ] I enjoy shopping

 [x] Shopping makes me happy

 [] I own a bathing suit that cost 100 dollars or more

 [] I have watched the Simple Life

Total 0

City = (6) x 3 = 18

**How Country are you?**

 Have you...

[x] ridden a horse

[x] owned a horse

 [] owned land

[] been 4wheelin

[x] said "ain't"

[x] been cow-tipping

[] been deer hunting

 [x] been swimming in a lake

[x] caught a fish

[] seen a deer get skinned

Total 6

You ...

[x] have worked on a ranch or on land

[x] have lived in a house in the middle of nowhere

 [] have tried to go duck hunting

 [] have went swimming in a river

[] driven or have owned a truck

 [] owned a rebel flag

 [] like to fish

[] have a funny accent... or that's what people tell you

 [] owned a pair of cowboy boots

[] own/owned a cowboy hat

[x] own/have owned a big dog

 [x] sometimes say "y'all"

 [x] have gotten made fun of for sayin "y'all"

Total 5

 You also... [

x] cuss when you're mad

[] have chewed skoal or any other tobacco product before

 [] go to church on Sunday

[x] owned/own a hunting dog (Sadie is so evil... and she stinks)

 [] have riddin a horse to somewhere in town

[x] have gone on a field trip to a farm/ranch

 [x] have eaten deer or moose meat

 [x] have shot a gun

[] own a gun

[] park your vehicles in the yard

Total 5

 You...

[] have gone shopping...for a gun

[] get the kids in your family a toy gun for christmas

 [x] wear long sleeves even in the summer (sometimes)

 [x] have a horse shoe hanging somewhere in your house

[] have fed a deer..

[] had dog named bociefus

 [x] listen to country music at least once a day

 Total 3

Country (19)*3=57

 older sister is sooo more country than i am it's sad.. guess that's why i'm the anthropology major and she's the aggie in the family.