MySpace


MySpace.com | rss | sign in
♪♥♫ ßεαяzy ßεαя ♫♥♪



Last Updated: 12/11/2009

Send Message
Instant Message
Email to a Friend
Subscribe

Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 18
Sign: Cancer

City: Lost Land
State: Florida
Country: US
Signup Date: 11/17/2005

Blog Archive
[Older      Newer]
 /  / 
Sunday, December 06, 2009 

Current mood:  sad



Im starting to believe my life was one big lie as i was a kid.
i learn some things up hear maybe a child shouldnt hear about
there parent/parents.. Not even that being a little room shows
whos the jerk and shit two. and im starting to realize ALL the lies
and bullshit.. that honestly i cant deal with it anymore.. will there be
one time before he doesnt treat anyone like shit and change his story?
how when i was a kid i could love someone and call them dad. and when
i grow up realize what a jerk he was. and see where he got us now?
really. i know this is wrong to say but i dont even wanna call him dad no more.
sure he helped me out with money and shit. but is that him buying my love.
someone tell why are we still in a hotel my mother said more then onces she
doesnt care what house we get anymore. so is it him trying to put us through more
hell. do we need help again and hes two stuck up to ask for it still? is he trying
to fuck shit up more.. sitting back and thinking alot since i left and i heard so
much about my dad. how hes never changed. watching him hurt my mom everyday
makes me mad as fuck. i never realize it before. sometimes it is her. but alot of it
is my dad trying to hurt here. then when he wants to do shit he doesnt say it until its
to late or were not dress to go out. or he says we sleep all day and dont wanna do anything. as if i really wanna be in this hotel room. im tired of the lies. will they ever
stop. ? will it every change? i thought things might be better. but alls i hear is my dad
telling my mother to go, leave. fuck you. and then my brother sides with my dad. and my mom told me hes trying to get her to leave and me to live with dan. or something. who knows but this move was suppose to better. sure its only been what two weeks but still. if you hear what i hear and see what i see. its hasnt changed only got worse.

what am i suppose to think anymore.
will i ever smile for good or will it always be a fake smile.
i need to break free. i need out. i need to leave.
but how does someone do that when they have nothing at all.
7:22 AM 
2 Comments
(Add Comment) |
Translate
Thursday, November 26, 2009 
making this move was for the better, it was a choice i had to make.
no one can control my life but me. and for the longest time. i us to
let people control what i did.. and if making this stand means losing
friends i guess thats just what i have two do.. but mean smiling is more
important then me keep trying to please people. cause i get hurt more
doing that then i do just being my self.. im not running from my problems.
im working on getting a job. and i have my big brother i missed like crazy.
im happy hes back in my life.. his has two beautiful kids who make me feel
loved. sure i fight with my parents still but if i would of stayed behind i would
of never talked to anyone ever again. or seen anyone. so im glad i dicided to
go with my parents. sure its crazy now. but it cant still change when things
get settled in.. i hate change. but sometimes its for the better. and i dont regret
anything in my past.. but being here mad me realize its not games no more
its time to make a difference and grow up and make changes. and thats just
what im doing. and if its not what anyone likes im sorry. im me. and im here
to make me happy. i hate losing friends and hate hurting people. but if i live
trying to please people. were will it get me. ? no where right?
Im happy here sure i bitch about shit that hits the fan. i get scared. i run. but
its life its happens. doesnt mean im running from everything. just somet things.
but in the long run. it will be okay. and i know it. i might need a friend to cry two.
but thats what friends are for sometimes. sometimes that all someone needs.

but i just thoughted i let you know whats on my mind.
thats all i gotta say..

Heatherbear.
9:30 AM 
2 Comments
(Add Comment) |
Translate
Thursday, November 19, 2009 

Current mood:  happy



Isnt as bad as i thought. long as my mom stay out of my space.
still no house yet. been with my brother most the time. <3
miss him and his kids so much. and his wife. glad i finally have people
who are willing to help me get some where in my life.. and people i can
talk to without getting shot. glad i mad this move. just gotta get the moving shit
over with and it be even better :]

haha.
madison and ian are my fav kids.
cant wait to get picture up of them. there
so stinking cute. i love them.. glad i have them
to wake up to and smile. :]

madison watch cartoons this morning when she was dressed and waiting to go to school.
got under the blanket with me and cuddle until the show was over. then she read to me.
even though she make words up. its so stinking cute. haha.

anyways will post more updates.
love you guys.

miss ya,
Heather Nicole kelly.
7:23 AM 
2 Comments
(Add Comment) |
Translate
Thursday, November 12, 2009 

Current mood:  sad



Damn. i cant believe im reallly leaving. its for the best yes, but i didnt realize how many
people i have that care and love me. and that i care and love. and i have to leave them
behind. im going to miss everyone so much. i said i wouldnt cry. but i cant help it.
its hitting me, hey im really leaving.. port st lousi here i come. it has its plus. but
so does citrus fucking county. lol. even though theres nothing here. i grew up here.
and now im going into a city area... wish me luck.  its already
tomorrow so one more day and im gone. shit son. were all my days go. i been counting down. but dang. im not ready to go. i have so many people i wanna see and spend more time with before i leave...
cant wait until i get my job and come back and see everyone...

i will miss everyone. i love you guys.
keep in touch please. <3

love,
Heather nicole.
9:18 AM 
2 Comments
(Add Comment) |
Translate
Tuesday, November 10, 2009 
So i was thinking this move was gonna be good. but i guess it cant get good until all the hell gets out with this stress of packing and shit.. but the more and more i lay around and realize im going to miss everyone. and im going over there and ill never hang out with friends all night long cause i wont have any right away. and i dont wanna lose my besties. :[

and the more and more i fight with my parents i wonder should i even go.
my faith is very little. and not alot is keeping me here anymore.
but i guess i wont know how things are until i leave.
but i am ready to leave drama behind.

sometimes this week i will be gone. either tomorrow we are packing a truck
or wdays.

and for all you i didnt get to hug gooodbye im very sorry. :[
10:02 AM 
0 Comments
(Add Comment) |
Translate
Thursday, October 29, 2009 

Current mood:  sad



im going to try fixing whats crashing.
im gonna try leaving my house and leaving with my brother maybe..
in the mean time ill be going back to church, seeking some help.
im depressed and hurt and anger.  and its not a great mix i learned.
So i dont know how much ill be around. i was in the wrong today.
and i messed up big time and thats all that needs to be said.
i have the few friends by my side. and im going to ask annette and stacey
to help me. so no worries. i notice im not doing good. and imma do my best to
fix it. it might take days, weeks, months. but i ask please bar with with me.

i love you guys.

<3
heather nicole kelly.
11:23 AM 
1 Comments
(Add Comment) |
Translate
Monday, October 19, 2009 
how could i be so blind?
how could i think it was alright?
how could i not see this hurt coming?
how could you even lie?
how could i be so stupid?
why when i think its all okay, someone
or something gets in the way?
why do people even say things and never mean it?
why do people play mind games. why do i even
get close to anyone anymore. most of them
are just another let down. once again i thought
i was okay and it would all be getting better
but once again it came crashing down and
i was wrong.. how could i not see this coming?
it was all right in front of my nose?
im tired of being lied to. im tired of it being
the people that mean the most to me. im tired of it all!


fuck this shitty world.. i shouldnt care anymore. and
guess what when i finally leave i wont be caring anymore
i really wissh i wouldnt wake up some times.
its better then living a shitty life. ..


Heather nicole.
5:45 AM 
1 Comments
(Add Comment) |
Translate
Friday, October 16, 2009 
I woke up and thought it be okay but then i realize
the road block still here. I cant get around it. i cant
find the way around it.. im to weak to climb anymore.
And i cant get help cause its time for me to do it own my
own.. day by day it stays in my way and things just get
so much worse.. i feel like my heart been stepped on
millions of times. over and over again. most the days
i wish i could just stay locked in my room and hide from
the world.. but wishing never helps cause they never
come true. i been told not to give up and keep going.
well im still going but this trying bullshit is getting old.
caues i just get pushed back down. thrown around.
i get told im not trying hard enough. well how much can
someone keep trying if there own parents wont believe in
them anymore? i look in the mirror, and i even wonder
whos that girl. whats she got in her life? where is she
going in her life? it feels like i cant get anywhere anymore.
my mines racing.. am i doing the right things yet?
should i pack up and leave? should i just get a new start?
make a change? can i even handle that change? would that
be the right things? what do i have to lose right?
i just wish one day, at least one day wil be no drama.
be an okay day. make it through without wanting to just die.
cause honestly i dont think i can handle anymore hurt.
or fights. or being yelled at cause i cant please anyone really.


All i want is to be loved and to be happy.
and to be able to talk to my parents and
them believe in me and not hate me for
who i am cause i wasnt what they want.
i wish i could get my school shit down
and be gone. i wish i wasnt suck a let down
to them. it really hurts when they dont listen
to you when you want to do something.


i wish I could be happy again. :/
and i wish alot of other things
but to bad wishing doesnt work..

Ready to leave.!


Wove,
Heather nicole.
9:00 AM 
0 Comments
(Add Comment) |
Translate
Monday, October 12, 2009 
when i look around, i see nothing.. 
 when i try to understand, i cant think anymore. 
 when i try to speak, nothing seems to come out.
 my minds racing with thoughts, i just want to scream.
 let the tears fall down. hoping they will just go away.
 but each day goes by, and they never seem to fade.
 the pain im holding inside, its killing me deeply. but i
 cant seem to shake it. each day something new gets me.
 can one day just have no problems? will this world ever
 make sense?
12:26 AM 
0 Comments
(Add Comment) |
Translate
Thursday, August 20, 2009 

Current mood:thinking.
Layings in the yard staring at the stars.
Wondering, will i ever get to lay there again
watching them with you.. Walking along the beach.
late at night, talking about anything. i miss those nights.
I miss the times you randomly come over to my house.
and kidnap me. just cause i need a friend. will i ever get
those days again. Will i ever be okay cause your gone.
i never thought this would come, never thought i would
have to fast this. Why you have to go. you told me you missed
hanging out with me. i cant be anger at you. no one new. i cant
be anger at my self. i didnt know. but why am i so made about it.
i cant listen to this song.. the more and more i listen to it. i tihnk
of you. and how you us to sing it.. sounds dumb but i never thought.
i could cry so much. i never thought i could miss someone so much.
i wish i got that last day. that last goodbye. those hugs you always gave.
i miss them so much.. i mis you soo much. I miss going to the little park just
to swing. i havent back since. i remember the time me and kay went.
with you and we thought someone was on the water tower and you told us
were gonna be the irst to die in a horor movie. the crazy little moments. running
around in the winn dixie parker lot after the store close. during while the remodle was going on. im gonna miss how we would play jokes on people... there great memorries but
i wish i could make more..

but you got out of this world, no more troubles. i know your watching over us.
and i know you die watching over a friend. your always the good friend.
i just wish you where here. cause i need you more then ever. 

I love you with all my heart kiddo.
you never bothered me i was just always scared cause i never had someone care so
much.. my own parents never loved on me the way you did. you never let me be hurt. you always tried to make it better. and you always new when i needed a friend. you were always a blaste to hang out with.. you always got me to smile. im going to miss are crazy trips to no where. im going to miss your singing. and how you always made funny faces. and im going to miss how you us to pick on me. and i would get so mad and laugh about it later on.. im going to miss are funny crazy random momments.
you were the best. and ill never forget you, and ill do my best to make a stand to drunk driving.. no one needs to lose anymore love ones over something so stupid..

i miss you kiddo..
i love you.

Bear.
8:21 AM 
3 Comments
(Add Comment) |
Translate