In the dark I can see
In the dark children fear what lurks
In the dark I can reflect
In the dark we stay
In the dark I can fly
In the dark the shade protects
In the dark I can hear
In the dark anything is possible
In the dark I know peace
In the dark things go bump
In the dark I can feel
In the dark we are free

I don't know if its just me or lots of men, but what the hell do woman mean be rough or forceful sex, what like rape? Do we grab a knife, point it at them and tell em to strip, then hold it against them as we have my way with them or what? Rough like fucking in the ass? I really don't get it at all. I'm a gentle person and a gentle lover. I don't force things on anyone. I've wondered this for quite sometime. If you want us to be rough or forceful lady's you'll have to tell your man what the hell that means to you because rough can mean lots of things, from smackin that ass, pulling your hair to pulling out the hand cuffs, whips, a blindfold, ripping your clothes off and having our way with you. Don't get me wrong we love doing things you like but don't just throw out any old word to tell us what you want. Try this "eat my pussy and be forceful about it" now that is something I can understand or "smack my ass hard". Conversely you can use a describing word to describe the whole act "make love to me", "rape me, you peace of shit"  or the classic "fuck me like and animal". Sure if we've been lovers for a while you could use rough or forceful to describe how you want it because we would already know the limits we could take an act before it would be to much. How are we to know if you like you nipples bit or how hard. If your ticklish in some spots or you just dont like to be touched in others. Remember we can not read minds. Being vocal its hot, but please be more specific is all I'm trying to say.

So I want to die again, I'm sure its just another passing thing, but I mean really, why bother living its just the same shit over and over. I'm to nice someone takes advantage. I get tough put them out of my life I have a good time for a while then my kindness is used again and again, till I get sick of it and excuse them out of my life. I cant be the user I don't want to hurt anyone so I go on being used. Fucking vicious cycle is this really what my soal wants? It must if what you think becomes reality. I try to stay positive and ignore the negative or laff at it but it keeps returning over and over to mock me. I just want to love and be loved in return is that realy to much to ask for? Maybe I am asking to much what if to receive love you must suffer.... suffer hate and loss and confusion and sorrow, pain, gilt, boredom, heartbreak, misery, loneliness. Whats up? Hi, can we love each other? No... Ok on to the next. Hey? How are you, can we love each other? No... sorry my bad, ha and on and on.

Honestly god kill me now, this is fucked I never asked for a physical body I don't need this, I believe I was just dandy as a energy wandering around in the eather. Honestly what am I doing hear, do I really bring other people joy by being a punching bag? Do I bring enough joy in this life to keep me alive? People need me? Who? What people, my family? They have each other I'm nothing, they could be just as happy with out me. My "friends" thay could be just as happy without me or not knowing me at all, who truly knows each other anyway? My daughters... I just don't know, why? What good would knowing me, do them?

I have been loved for short periods of time, and I thank you but why not an everlasting love that merges my soal with another? Someone to talk to someone to shut up with someone to hold someone to let me go when I need space, that can accept everything I am, and not, with love and devotion. I suppose I don't need love of this sort but damn it sure is nice to have, and I am so willing to except it. I suppose I need to just except that it may come in time if god sees fit to reward me. I suppose I should just roll over and except my fate as it comes. I guess I will keep trying, but it really feels like some pointless trial.