First of all -- this blog is not directed at any one person particularly, so please, don't assume things! Assumptions are for the devil. The devil, I say.

Back to the title, things I will never understand. Well, there's probably a metric ton of things that could fit under this category, but, I'll start with the first thing plaguing my insomnia-riddled mind. Men. I don't understand men. I mean, men are simple creatures, there isn't a lot to them. They are easy to please, some are eager to please in return, and usually the right sights and sounds are all you need to master to hook one for some time. Thus being said, men do not want to deal with complication. Right, I get it. Who does? Not I, not I! Men say to me "You're so beautiful" or "you're so smart" or "you're so funny, cute, spontaneous, blah blah blah" "you're so all these great things I would love about a woman".. and yet, here I am... manless. Now again, thats fine and dandy. I'm fine with being single, I'm in no rush to be in a relationship and jump on the codependent bandwagon (like the two kids at IHOP necking and showing each other photos while sitting on the same side of the booth together.. seriously? Gross) but, it would be nice if someone didn't always tell me the same hollow 'truths'. My favourite line -- "Why on Earth would you be lonely, look at you!" and here I sit, same as ever! (Minus the rest of the lines to that brilliant B&B piece, I don't ever do that!) Now, I'm not saying I don't get out there. I do. I put myself out there a LOT. And I always get thrown right back, know what I'm saying? My heart is becoming beaten, battered, torn, abused.. and I always go back for more. I always find myself attracted to those that I know I can't or shouldn't have. The ones who I know aren't completely upfront with me (they may be upfront about their wants with me, but, thats usually only 1/4th of the story) or are flat out lying to my face, seeking me out and breaking my being. At the end of all this, I only ask myself one thing: Why me? Whats so special about me? Why pick me to take out your frustrations and then completely turn everything upside down? I've been told that I'm complicated (actually, I warn that to everyone I meet, too) I'm complicated because I have brains, beauty (at least the face sometimes) strength, integrity, compassion, humor, etc etc going for me. I've been told that men are "into" me firstly because of my looks (understandable, we all base that initial attraction on something aesthetic, I get it) but that once they get the full spectrum of me, once they delve into the id that is Ashleigh, well, thats when they get the hell out of dodge! I don't get it. It was said to me that its because men assume with someone with all these great qualities comes high maintenance (not true in the least bit, believe me) or great expectations (mine are usually focused towards myself) or that they just don't think they "deserve" someone like me. That line has been used on me almost as much as the lonely line. I'm not vain, I'm really really really not ask anyone! But I know I deserve so much more than what I've gotten from life thus far. Everyone gives me the age excuse, and, dear readers please note, age is just a number. A twelve year old could still have a higher mental capacity than 95% of the teens and twenty somethings scattered about these days. I've been taking care of myself for as long as I could remember. I've seen things. I've been through things. I've done things I wasn't always proud of just to thrive. But I've never done anyone wrong. I've never put anyone on the back burner. I've stayed friends with ex's and old friends and reconnected with people and always tried to be there for whomever needed me. I've never been a malicious person. There is no way this is bad karma. This is just bad fucking luck. Most of my life goes that way ------ Is it ever going to turn around? Will I ever meet my puzzle piece, the one I never stop thinking about, the one I want to be all about and who wants the same things from me? Will I ever find someone to dance in the rain with and make up stupid songs with and play chess with? What if they're already in my life? What if timing is all wrong? What if nobody knows the truths that are told and we're all just waiting on the other person to jump the gun? Don't do it, don't wait. I don't. Follow your gut. For most people, intuition is always right. (Especially fellow water signs!) My problem is following my heart before following my gut, my mind, my common sense. But don't try to fix me, I'm not broken. I'm just mistaken, slightly outspoken.

Ahh, I'm rambling. I obviously need sleep. Busy day tomorrow. Busy life ahead. I want to kiss 09 right on the ass and ring in the New Year with a bang. Who's with me? Who's having me? Hey, where's the party at? If everyone in town is already wearing fucking Christmas hats, I'm planning a goddamn New Years bash.

First off --- WHERE IN THE HELL DID 2009 GO?! Seriously, everyone in town has put out their Christmas lights (when hello Christmas is over a month away) It was just six months ago I was putting in my 30 day notice and getting the hell out of dodge. I have a full blown toddler, running around and telling me how it is. I miss him.

Whats new with me, you ask? Well, I suppose, everything and nothing! I've got a JOB! Holy hell, how did that happen? How many H words can I use? I started working in retail again about two weeks ago, nice big slave cooperation. Fun stuff. But I can't complain, I'm good at it, I like most of the people I work with, and I have a paycheck every two weeks. Thats a lot more than most of America can say these days. Going back to work has been really hard on me. I know its been necessary for me for as long as I could remember to gain independence (And, while I have it, I'm still so horrible at it) but its such a huge change from waking up to my son every morning, feeding him and changing his diapers. He's staying in Charlotte with his retired grandparents while I work, until I can save up enough to move and go to school. I don't really know how I feel about anything anymore. I know I feel... I feel more than most average people, I believe. Its just all a big cluster of emotions stifled under my zombiesque sleeping patterns and workaholicness. Somehow I'm more tired now than I was chasing after a 2 year old everyday - how can that be? I pretty much nap every chance I get. I love naps. Naps rule. Seahorses forever.

Love life is obsolete. I mean, I'm cool with that though. I think I'm too picky for my own good but I think its good to be that way, right? There is a person or two I would love to get to know better, but, well, only time can tell with that sort of thing and I'm in no hurry to commit my crazies to another being. I guess I'm not really fooling anyone, everyone knows I love love and I seem to be in eternal desperation to find the real thing, but, for once in my mediocre day to day, I'm fine with waiting on it to find me instead of skulking around hiding in shadows looking for it. Its just a depressing way to be. You get used, abused, broken and tossed aside. Your ego dries up and your self esteem withers away. I know I'm better than that. I know I deserve better than what I've gotten myself into (repeatedly) in past years. Sometimes its hard to believe that, but, well I just have to hold on and believe. Sometimes it gets lonely, but, the internet is here to satisfy that I suppose.

And if you're reading this and think you're the one or two person(s), you very well might be.

My plan so far is this: Work. Save money. Get another car. Celebrate heartily for my  21st birthday. Move back to Charlotte (or somewhere better, I am not judgey I just want out of Union and to be on my own). Go to school. Go to law school. Create a life for myself. Model on the side if I can get comfortable with myself. Take care of my body. Take care of my soul. Stop treating myself as disposable, I'm not. My body is my temple, treat it that way. Be happy. Live life. Prettttytyyy muuuuuchchchch.

Really my life is so mediocre, I have nothing of interest to type about.
Oh, except for the old man that comes into my place of employment to flash his goodies to the ladies. He wears a safari hat. The plastic kind. And leaves his fly open. And buys only bananas or other fruit. Seriously, this guy is 86 years old. He said to me "The ladies still tell me I'm sexy". Only in Union, folks. Also I scanned a piece of chicken that rang up at $70 and nobody noticed until hours later? It wasn't my fault, though.

And I just happen to think its an amazing list, so I am reposting it.





1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.


17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

it has been a long, long while since i have posted a blog on this website. really its been a long while since i've really put myself out there on any website or physical realm, in any sense of the words. i feel like i've been living this hollow existence. when i try to do something about it, nothing really happens. i've started losing weight (finally) but it hasn't changed anything. i moved out, i cancelled my last relationship, all because i feel like something is missing. its so hard to place the finger on just what. i've developed many friendships, even a few relationships, but its only a half relationship because i find that i put myself in situations that can never be what i want them to be - maybe its a defense mechanism? maybe by clinging onto the wrong people, i'm setting myself up for the failure that i already assume will be there. maybe i just have too much love to give. maybe i feel like these people are hiding in a shell, and they need someone like me to be the tender heart to help pull them out. maybe a lot of maybes. i just need some sort of emotional equality, some balance. i'm watching myself grow older through the eyes of my son and realizing that he already has so much more love in his life than i ever felt like i had, or that i felt like i've ever held in my hands. how is it his life can be so much different from mine when i feel like i'm so much like my family sometimes? i feel ashamed for taking away his "quality family life" by separating with john and moving an hour away, but i'm not going to bite my lip and live in a depression, a half-life, because thats whats expected of a mother. i am more than a mother. i am a woman, i am all woman. i need stimulation in my life, not this zero to 60 in 14 years kind of life. i may go with the flow but i don't like to float along forever. john will find someone excellent, someone a little more simple that he can have a great life with and i'll pat him on the back and kiss him on the cheek and be the elaine to his jerry. he deserves someone who can be supportive to him, be there for him always and help him when he needs it. i couldn't push myself to do it anymore, i didn't feel like it was getting me/him/us anywhere. maybe i just did it wrong, maybe he just didn't care. either way, that relationship was 3 years long. 3 years of my life and i feel like the only thing i accomplished was bringing evan into this world. i know john and i will forever be in debt to each other because of evan, and i'm fine with that. evan has helped me in so many ways. he's made me more responsible, more patient, more reasonable. he's given me love when i couldn't find it anywhere else. his little kisses, singing our little songs, its astounding what 2 years of watching an infant turn into a little boy can do to your soul. i never wanted children, but now that i have him i can really say that those without really are missing something truely extraordinary.

ahh veered off subject, this is about me, not him (although we are one in the same, a part of the other, etc) i feel so young yet so old at the same time. i've always felt this way, but having evan really opened my eyes to it. i've been taking care of myself and other people (and having a few people support me here and there financially, too, though) for as long as i can remember. and honestly, as much as i love alone time, i always wonder how other people are. i've always been the type to feel what other people are feeling and sympathize with them. but, i go through these phases. sometimes, very rarely, i want nothing to do with anybody. i hate affection, sensitivity, emotions, etc. but mostly i hate that i allow myself to give it so freely. i'm not saying the people i've given it to don't deserve it, who am i to judge that? but i'm saying i give it hoping for something in return but only half-expecting it, and usually it doesn't happen, or it doesn't happen the way i hoped for and i wind up feeling disappointed in myself. i've been known to search for scapegoats with certain things but i know that i'm my own worst enemy. but the questions are, do i want to change any of this? if so, what do i want to change? i don't mind being the way i am in the least bit, but i don't like ending up feeling hurt, used, abandoned, like i have most of my life, especially for people who aren't DOING any of those things to me, i just expect so much that its an inevitable letdown. i don't want to make people feel like they've let me down, i don't want anyone to feel guilty. i just want to live life, have fun, make experiences and memories and so be it. is it possible to leave your heart at home for the night?

blah blah blah things in my life are okay, i suppose, aside from something missing. working on looking for a job now, so i can get some running shoes and have a productive fall and winter. going to drive up to raleigh in two weeks to see everclear, super fucking stoked about that. hoping some other good bands come around soon, maybe i'll start getting back into the local music scene. evan will be starting daycare soon and come the new year i should have my own car (finally i know!) i'm planning on going to school for a bit or taking some courses through the local adult education place, but before i go saddle up for a "career" i want to do a huge road trip next summer i think. go out west, up north, and everywhere in between. i may feel 35 but i'm only 20 afterall and today is the beginning of tomorrow and everyday of the rest of my life, right?

Lately my blogs have been kind of out of focus. Like I`ll start typing; with hopes of long blogs about everything and they end up being short and all about the same thing. I was in a Placebo mood today and started listening to some; and it made me think about my past. I remember when my mom lived in Gaffney; we would always go to Union and visit her good (gay) friend Keith; whom I adored. He turned me onto a lot of the bands I still enjoy today. I just looked him up on myspace and found about 6 profiles for him (haha) and the one that was most recently used; you had to know his last name to add him.. and I tried and it didn`t work. I`m almost positive it was him though! I think Sean looks like Brian Molko. Haha; when Sean shaves.

I need to get out more. Today I worked. With a tummy ache. One of my best friends I work with broke some toes so she might not be in for awhile. I was told I probably still won`t have a full time job (what bullshit). I don`t even want their damn insurance; I just NEED the money. This paycheck (not even $400) was the lowest I have made since my FIRST paycheck. Seriously. I was/am so bummed out. But its not like I need money. I pay rent and spend it all. I will never be able to save money and that worries me. I want to get a car. And go to university! I REALLY WANT THESE THINGS FOR ME! I just don`t see good things happening.

My relationship - I`m not sure what I feel about it. Its so weird. Like; things can feel great for him but weird for me; and then weird for him but great for me. I haven`t felt great about a lot of things lately. I`m so spastic and tense I can`t even achieve orgasm anymore! My mind is always somewhere else; no matter where I am. You would think that I would be able to stay on topic on some things. Especially sex.

Welp; yeah. I have nothing else to say. I guess. I want a burger. I want to lose weight too though. Fuck. New Years Resolution: lose thirty pounds at least!