If you enjoy writing but are having a hard time getting your blog read or your novel published, shoot me a message. Soon there will be a home for your unheard voices. And if you would be interested in writing for a new, hip site, link me some of your work if possible. Presently there are five available spots for writers, but the spots are disappearing faster than bailout money in the hands of AIG.

Do not message me if you are interested in having me listen to your crappy band though. I've heard the new U2 record and I'm pretty sure I've reached my quota for crappy music this year.

Take it easy....

Never mind. I really don't care. Listen, I am a nice guy but stop with the snazzy image comments. I don't give a damn about some battle of the bands your shitty band is playing in , not even if the battle is to take place in the same cornfield that 38 Special played last summer. I do not care about your political views. I do not care whether you're republican or democrat. I do not care if you voted for Obama or Oprah. The only person that I feel is qualified to run the country ( or the world for that matter) is me. How's that for a political view? Fuck off.

And while I'm at it, stop sending me invitation requests to shit that is happening on the other side of the country. Matter of fact just stop sending me invitation requests to anything. I do not give a shit. Seriously, I do not give a salmonella shit about some fifth rate Aerosmith tribute band playing at some gas station in Arizona. If that "concert" took place on the corner of my block and Taco Bell was there giving out free burrito supremes... I still would not go. And I love Taco Bell.

One more thing, stop sending me messages asking to check out your band. 95% of the unsigned bands here make Hinder sound like Zeppelin. Also, stop sending me messages like this

"It only takes a minute.

I'm sending you this message because we really need YOUR HELP!
My friend's band in a contest to record their EP in a pro studio and
they're in the 2nd position.
Only the 1st wins with friends over 10,000 and we need your friendship to do it!
All you have to do is become our friend and our dream will come true!"

I do not care if your friend needs a kidney and I am the only suitable donor. Fuck off. Look, I'll add anyone. I do not give a shit about Myspace. I'm lazy. If you apply to be my friend I'll accept you but I am not going to go "friend" some shitty band. That would be embarrassing and I have a reputation to protect. Besides, you're not much of a street team if you're not willing to go the extra mile to get the however many myspace fans you need to win a K-Tel records contract. Are you? Hard work pays off. Just ask K-Tel mainstay KC from the glorious KC and the Sunshine band.

Now, on to some cheery news.

I will start updating The Decaying of Americana: Where Pop Culture Goes to Die regularly next week.

Your prayers have been answered.

Blind Guy High-Five Out!

Ever wondered about Hinder?

Click here for my take on Nickel..umm...Hinder

isn't quite ready yet.

In the meantime , I'd like to quote a passage from the latest Buckcherry sermon, 'Too Drunk"...ahem...

"Now the party was jumpin and the girls were fine with the lipstick summer glaze.
I got so many women comin after me i put some pussy on layaway.
I was smoked out, tore up, drunk as fuck,
and i wouldn't wanna change a thing.
Young and dumb and full of cum with a sugar loaded candy cane."


Yes, people it's true....Americana is decaying.....

Death Metal Doug

And then click on It's Alive.

Tell DMD, Paul sent you.

Have a nice day.

One thing that boggles my mind is why it took hair metal bands a year or longer to record an album. This is the first (and only) hair metal song that I have written. It took less than five minutes and Bret Michaels pulled out his last three hairs after seeing my superb writing skills. Enjoy!

Playground of Love

I'm long, lean and built for speed
You're dirty, nasty and everything I need
So blow on them, roll the dice, and pay the price
Just free your mind and don't think twice

It's recess on the playground of love
Get on the swing and let me give you a shove
Bend over and grab my monkey bar
I hope your knees are padded it's gonna leave a scar

I'm a prowler creeping around your doggie door
I'll bring you the bone but I won't pee on your floor
You're like a chocolate éclair, a tasty treat
You're on a diet but I have fat free meat

It's recess on the playground of love
Ride my see saw, you'll fit like a glove
Here I cum right down your slide
Scream my name and enjoy the ride

Take it easy girl that ain't no jungle jim you're climbing

Hit it ( Insert cheesy guitarist name here)

(Guitar solo)

It's recess on the playground of love
Treat me like a vault bar, mount me from above
Sit and spread on my mustang rider
Be careful my love has the venom of a black widow spider

I would rather have the earphones of an ipod loaded with Pretty Boy Floyd songs surgically implanted in my ears while aliens anally probe me with the stolen light saber of Luke Skywalker than to have to listen to that shit again.

Parents allowing their children to listen to festering piles of suck should be brought up on child abuse charges. While your kid is "rocking" out to Miley or even worse the Jonas Brothers, the kid in the trailer park two roads over is listening to Shout at the Devil while his mother sleeps off the previous night's festivities. That kid will kick you kid's ass in school. Do not contribute to the ass beating your child will receive for listening to shitty music. Go buy Shout at the Devil immediately.

And to anyone that owns that fucking song Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus, this is all your fucking fault. You are the four horseman of the apocalypse. I hope you are happy with yourselves.

I was wasting time checking out Circuit City's net deals and I came across this gem.



Check out the list price and the sooper dooper net special price!

Here is a closer look...



Blockbuster may want to rethink the buyout.

It's new and refreshing.

Give it a Gander