Discrimination is an ugly fact of life. And even in our great nation, it's happened from time to time. Millions of Americans, I'm told, were not given equal opportunity to participate in slave labor simply because of the color of the their skin. But then one day that all changed when 15^th century German theologian Martin Luther (the "king" of Protestantism) came and freed the slaves from the Emancipation Proclamation.

But many would be surprised to learn that people like me face the horrors of discrimination every day – simply because we are assholes. We are passed over for promotions, denied bank loans and otherwise frowned upon by society not because of the color of our skin or some other valid reason, but because we treat our family, our neighbors, our co-workers in a way that has been deemed "unacceptable" or "illegal" by these self-appointed guardians who call themselves "the police" or "Child Protection Services."

Well, if deflating the tires of my over-paid supervisor or showing up drunk and punching some guy in the throat at my daughter's wedding makes me unpopular, then so be it. Just like Harriet Tubman who refused to sit in the back of the freedom bus, I do what I believe is right.  And yet amazingly, in spite of this moral high ground I take, I'm still the victim of all manner of anti-asshole bias.

And as if judging people by the way they treat others isn't unfair enough, I sometimes face discrimination on the basis of my background as a cannibalistic serial killer. Talk about hitting below the belt!

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If it's happened once, it's happened a thousand times; I sit back to enjoy the first five minutes of what promises to be a clever, insightful treatise on the complex nature of contemporary relationships – and just as I find myself transfixed by the protagonists' (Ashlee's) unpaid rent dilemma -- bam! The next thing you know, Cum Guzzling Sluts part 3 suddenly drifts away from its compelling storyline for a long  - and, in my opinion excessively racy - love scene, that not only mars an otherwise fine performance by Katy Cummings (who at this rate will never win an Oscar!) but also abandons the playful but probing satirical tone established during the opening credits and the parts before Ashlee's landlord demands oral sex in the building's boiler room.

It's gotten to the point where I've become uncomfortable watching hardcore pornography with my 8-year-old daughter, fearing that she'll once again interrupt the film with such awkward questions as, ' mommy, why are those men ejaculating on that woman's face.' Talk about a difficult parenting moment.

Sadly, this isn't the first time the world of hardcore pornography has let me down. I can well remember the clumsy efforts to plumb the depths of human folly found in such early classics as Deep Throat and Debbie Does Dallas. But if these early pioneers of the genre can be forgiven for occasionally straying from gritty examinations of social mores, you'd think today's porn merchants would have learned by now that when it comes to open displays of you-know-what, less is more. But if recent offerings like Milf Does a Body Good and Spring Break Bukkakke Fest 09' are any indication, not much has been learned.

Frankly, I'm disappointed in AssBlaster Productions. If this distressing pattern of pandering to the basest desires of the porn audience continues in Cum Guzzling Sluts part 4 I will seriously consider canceling my weekly downloads from BootyParade.com.

And this time I mean it!

I'm a proud gun owner. And while owning guns is mainly a hobby – you know, for stuff like hunting, child discipline, etc – our second amendment right to bear arms is also important in the event that the unthinkable should happen; that's right, in the event that we need to defend ourselves against overzealous members of Kelly Clarkson's security force.

I could go on and on with horror stories I've experienced, like the time I was brutally removed from the windshield of Miss Clarkson's limo at the 2007 Grammy awards or another incident where I scaled the electric fence guarding my sweet Kelly's estate and sustained numerous injuries being roughly dragged away naked from the home of the Precious One. But the point here is not the countless indignities I've suffered at the hands of Kelly's security force. The real question is: who will protect you and your family from these unrestrained thugs should you decide to breathlessly stalk Kelly Clarkson?

I know what some of you are thinking: Strictly speaking, the second amendment doesn't specifically address the rights of the dangerously insane to protect themselves from Kelly's security staff. It's even possible that our founding fathers never anticipated a need for such a thing, having never gazed into the sweet smiling eyes of my future bride. But it doesn't change the reality that you and your family, your neighbors, your co-workers, even your children are at risk – should they decide to race past the Dobermans in the back yard, slip around the garden and shimmy through the slender heating ducts of Kelly's outrageously well-guarded home.

Some say the stories they see on the nightly news - the blood-curdling tales of innocent stalkers who wanted only to lay hands on the milky white skin of The Goddess Herself – are exaggerated. But I'm here to tell you that the threat is real. No one is safe.

And if we don't defend ourselves against these overzealous goons, who will?

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Sorry. Could've happened to anyone.

You've probably seen my story on the news - I'm the Wal-Mart supervisor fired after seventeen years of faithful service for taking a stand and violating the politically correct policy regarding holiday greetings and religious displays. Apparently some Godless, anti-religious, liberal, first amendment zealots get offended if you hang a giant pentagram in the footwear isle or greet them with a warm "Satan loves you" as they enter our fine store. It's gotten to the point where you can't even begin each day by kneeling before a blood-soaked cattle offering for our Dark Lord - and don't even think about requesting your fellow employees to join hands around a candle and skull to chant the exalted name of the many-horned beast on their lunch break.

The PC police have no respect for our country's traditional Judeo-Satanic-Christian roots. They love to throw all that "separation of church and state" crap in our faces. But don't they know this country was founded by religious rebels to escape persecution?

I'm not just fighting for me and my Lucifer-worshiping brothers and sisters; I'm fighting for hard-working, religious men and women of all stripes - Christians, Jews, Scientologists, Mormons Pagans, Wiccans, snake worshippers and even Catholics - who have a God/Devil-given right to practice our beliefs wherever we see fit!

So if you're some Saab-driving, latte-sipping, book-reading, liberal blue stater who turns your nose up at old fashion, church-going, livestock-sacrificing, salt of the earth types like me, you'd better watch out, because we're going to fight for our first amendment rights, so help us Satan.

May the many-horned beast bless you.

ps. Sign my petition here.