Ten thirty p.m., Tuesday night, sometimes I can be predictable at times too.

Some times you gotta walk around and contain thoughts and opinions, some times you're forced to hold everything in for months, maybe years, and when it gets uncontrolable and the situation is completely out of your hands you have no choice but to keep all your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and all the other what nots deep inside of you for no one to ever hear and if anyone ever does it's not going to be the one who's meant to hear those thoughts, it's like some never ending nightmare because you can't express these feelings to satisfy those crazy urges to open up and it'll haunt you forever and everything will burn in your soul...   ...Me, I live with something like this, my mind runs 12 different ways at once and I know it's never gonna slow down or focus on ONE direction, especially when I can't find the proper route to what I believe is true happiness, but Baby Face said it best "they're just words without emotions from people we don't know"... ....and I'm not speaking from a romantic point of view only, I don't think I'll ever be happy with anything, I always expect too much, not only from others but so much from myself, I strive so much for perfection yet am so indecisive, I am constantly changing my mind and switching things up, as I've said before, "a multi-tasker with A.D.D",lol, gets no worse, huh? well, it does, trust me, I think way too much and observe everything around me, people, surroundings, start thinking to myself while looking at someones way of decorating their house "what made them choose that color, why do you think they chose to put that picture there, what made them buy that specific picture", and so on, not that I'm judging or critisizing, I'm just observing and trying to figure out where this person's mind is at, it's just some strange obssesion I have, iuno, for example, I watch someone eat, lets say they have ummm, fries and a little container of melted cheese beside the basket of fries, I pay attention to see if they either dip each fry or pour the cheese over the fries, then I wonder why they'd do that, what that says about their personality, yes, I know, sounds completely idiotic but thats how my mind runs, and while all these thoughts and observations are going through my mind I'm thinking about money, other people, what I'm gonna do after I leave, other jobs, what my next personal move is gonna be, my car, bill collectors, where I wanna be next week, and so many other things, trust me, all those things at once...


    Knocked off track by a phone call, I need some alone time, atleast a day, I can't get myself together... ...I've tried to be every me I could be, I know we choose our own paths and some things are just not in your hands, destiny is something you can't control and the past is what makes your future, but don't regret anything even if you lost yourself in the process of trying to better yourself... ...This passionate person I am has jolted my lifestyle and sent me on a downward spiral of uncertainty, we all need to vent at times, some more than others, some being me, lol, I guess that's why I went a few months posting these blogs day after day after day hoping somebody would listen because I couldnt find someone who I would want to talk to, spent so many nights sitting up in my room listening to my own thoughts and the wind of a ceiling fan flip the pages of the calender on the wall up and down, depressed? I don't know, just sad I think, not down on my luck either, just made bad decisions in my time, I learn from my mistakes in different ways I guess... ...and this is the cost...   


                       It's eleven o'clock with 11 minutes into the hour...


      We don't get played, we play ourselves, we should know better, well, most of us atleast, we just choose to keep ourselves in that position for our own selfish reasons, make ourselves feel better in that we're there, I know this because I've been a victim of my own stupidity, I try for the satisfaction of knowing that I can, when I can't it haunts me, when I do I glorify my victory with passion, when I loose it I dwell, when I dwell... ...I should've known better... ...When we should've known better we grow wiser, but our emotions make us more foolish, where does passion put me? One of the many questions in my mind, how many of you out there can honestly say you've found yourselves? how many poeple have even taken the time to search for themselves instead of trying to take on the image of somebody else... ...I look at myself everyday and wonder if I'll ever be completely content with my life, I know alot of people put on a front and say they're happy... ...Had to stop for a minute, came back and lost place on the subject, let's move on...


                                                  11:53 p.m.


    Jammin' out some Lauren Hill* I've always wanted to look at myself as a simple man, not too many wants in this life, easily amused and pleasured, any little thing would bring a smile to my face, but thats not me, though I wasn't raised this way, I know what I want and for some reason I make the things I want so challenging, and I know how to value something precious. Tomorrow, I'm gonna wake up early.

                                                   11:59 p.m.