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Blissful Agony



Last Updated: 10/11/2009

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Status: Single
City: Moosonee
State: Ontario
Country: CA
Signup Date: 6/13/2008

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January 5, 2009 - Monday 

Well, onwards and upwards. The holidays weren't too bad and I'm kind of sorry that they're over. I'm back at work (oh joy, bliss) and I'm bored already. Played out on December 27, which was fun. Tried out my new amp- a Roland Jazz Chorus- which sounded pretty good. It was neat seeing my grandkids, but there were a couple of rough spots. Drank a total of ten beers over the holidays. I've decided that the worst part of the drinking aspect is the amount of obsessing I do over it, so I'm going to work on that a bit. That's about it for now.

Mike 

December 9, 2008 - Tuesday 

Christmas is coming. Christmas is okay, but the hoopla leading up to it shreds my brain. I'm always glad when the season is over with, even though it means going back to the grind. I've kind of had musical schizophrenia lately, I've been playing a lot of different styles. The next one will be a folk one based on a set of lyrics that someone gave me. I'll need his go-ahead to post it. The last one, Ignored needs some work or perhaps a complete overhaul. The vibe is okay, but the mix leaves a lot to be desired. I also did a cover of Band Aid Solution's One Horse Town, which you can check out on his page. Check out his other tunes as well, it's good stuff.

I have been very emotional of late. This is quite out of character for me, but in general, a positive thing- I think. I have my share of emotional baggage, as we all do. I watched Freedom Writers last night and actually had tears in my eyes during some parts. Embarrassing to admit, but true. I used to laugh at people who cried during movies.  I'm gradually becoming less numb as I age a bit. I like to put on a cynical front but really, I'm just a mushy mess inside. I don't think I fool anyone by trying to seem tough.

Well, I've said too much. Until next time, adieu. 

 

December 3, 2008 - Wednesday 

Current mood:  aggravated
It's hump day today. I don't want to go into a self-piteous spiral, but fuck, is this routine ever getting to me right now. The grind is getting me down. I'm hoping that wroking on music will get me through. It's a real joy to be so engaged in something that time literally ceases to exist. I need that kind of diversion right now, there's not too much going on at present. Wifey is still away. I almost look for things to keep me busy, but it's just busywork, nothing that really means very much to me. This routine seems like such a game to me. I don't think anyone regards any of this 9-5 shit as being anything other than a means to an end. A job might start out as being satisfying and present someone with novel challenges, but in the end, it's just a goddamned paycheck to pay the bills, so we can work, eat, sleep and shit all over again. 
December 1, 2008 - Monday 
I'm posting these stupid blogs to no one in particular, but who cares. I'm back at work- weekends are too short. Looking forward to another day of agonizing monotony- we're in the slow part of the program- not too many customers. I had some beer on the weekend, which kind of goes against what I said about quitting drinking. I'm not sure that it's a problem since I only drank eight or nine, didn't feel it much and went to bed after that. Contrary to what I posted, I was fine yesterday. That was the third time this year I drank at all. I have to be honest- based on my past, I should have quit drinking years ago. However, I like beer. I have many conflicted feelings about drinking- I hate drunks, I hate waking up not remembering WTF I did last night, I don't like getting belligerent or violent (which sometimes happened) and I know that I don't want to support the idea of alcoholism and drug use. However, here I am. The best thing for me to do is count myself lucky to still be alive (it's true- God looks after drunks and small children) and just quit. I am going to try harder. Christmas season is a bitch, though. At some point I usually end up with a beer in my hand.  
November 29, 2008 - Saturday 


Well, wifey is away for three weeks- step-daughter just had a baby girl- 8 lbs, 14oz. Can't wait to meet my new granddaughter. It won't take long before she's bossing me around and giving me heck like all of my other grandkids. I miss my grandkids in North Bay. I think I'm going to try to write another tune or two while I have this time on my own. It's a mixed blessing- I have time to do what I want, but nights are lonely. I also have to wrap my folks' Christmas gifts and get them sent. Cripes, I'm also gonna have to get the Xmas tree up and decorate the bastard as well- that should be good for a laugh or two. Wifey is at the pow-wow in TO right now. I wish to fuck I could just fuck off from work at will the way she seems to be able to. Ah well, what can ya do?

Nickelback sucks cox.

November 23, 2008 - Sunday 

Current mood:  indifferent

Had a bad night- first one in quite awhile. I do have some things I need to work on. I'm still not feeling the love, but I don't need anyone's validation to be happy. I had a couple of negative experiences (they seemed that way to me anyways) and instead of not reading too much into it, I decided to have a pity party. Normally, I'm stronger than that. I wouldn't have been able to survive here for the length of time I have if I didn't have some inner strength. I guess I'm okay now.

Mike
November 23, 2008 - Sunday 

Current mood:  depressed
I'm not doing very well right now. I'm just not feeling the love. I feel like I could die and no one would really care too much. I haven't really endeared myself to anyone I guess, but I don't seem to belong anywhere. I've always been on my own. Who knew that being married I could feel so alone. Something's got to give somewhere. Things just aren't working for me right now. I'm just another nondescript individual that no one really notices. No one really wants to know. Fuck this town and its shallowness, pettiness and bullshit. I want out. I have no friends here. No one really does- drinking buddies, work buddies- yeah, sure. Someone that actually gives a shit? Does anyone really give a shit? Do I give a shit? Am I just another middle-aged blob slowly circling the drain? I'm not talking music here. I know my music is worthless and I like it that way. My life is meaningless. Can anyone relate to this self-pitying bullshit? Don't all pipe up at once.

Mike 
October 25, 2008 - Saturday 

Current mood:  bored
I don't mind being by myself. I did not grow up with the internet, so I don't put a lot of stock into this stuff. However, I spend a lot of time on here- more than I should. I'll never be a star, never wanted that, but recognition is always nice. There are a lot of talented folks out there. I am constantly surprised by the quality of what people are putting together at home. The first time I recorded was on a four-track tape machine with one mike in a small room with drums, bass and guitar. We were all cranked, so the sound was quite overdriven. We would always be stoned trying to achieve the perfect moment to be caught on tape. There was no such thing as editing, but overdubs were possible. It was always a hoot. Now, I'm on my own- mostly due to where I live. I am sure that I could find other people to create with if I lived in a less isolated place. I never had a tude like a lot of other musicians I came into contact with. It's a bit stupid, I think. How many people play musical instruments these days? It's not uncommon to fire up Youtube and view phenomenal players. What I want to know is, with the fractured and diffuse effect of the internet, who will be the next spokesperson of a generation. Are we past that? Is music less important than ever, soundtrack to ever more vapid and self-absorbed pursuits? I certainly don't exclude myself from that hypothesis.

None of the above is meant in a defeatist or depressive way. All the best until we meet again.

October 19, 2008 - Sunday 

I figured out why I was having problems with my profile- mostly because I'm an idiot!