So today, I ventured into my lost TWIGGY myspace and started looking stuff up, looking at old pages and as usual, wandered into baby Tina's page. Ahh. Its so hard to look at that page, look at those pictures and realize that I won't ever see that face at the nxt DxC party; that when we plan our reunion next year, that face won't be there ready to hug me, get wasted with me & grind till one of us is ready to pass out. Losing a friend is hard. But its even harder when you lose them forever, when there's so much left to say to them that you can only say in your dreams, in your thoughts and letters and hope that they visit you in your dreams and respond to you.
I try so hard not to get upset, but sometimes, I can't help it. I was going through some shit last month and I know if she had been here, she'd have told me to snap out of it, how I'm so much better than that & how I was going to be ok. That it was only a matter of time before the storm cleared up. When I was dealing with my mess, she was on my mind. All the time. Just thinking about how she dealt with shit, how she looked at her issues head on and usually just told everyone to "fuck off!" That I truly miss about her. What I miss the most though probably is the way we could spend months without seeing each other and then we'd see each other and it was like we hadn't spent any time apart, like the world was ours for that night just like it had been that summer 4 yrs ago. Whats below is the blog I put up a month after her passing. A lot of it still lives with me right now. The things I wish I had said, the things I wish I had done. I love you all very much. My friends mean the world to me. There are ppl I consider ppl I know & like & have respect for and would be there if they needed me, then there are those who are my fucking friends, those people i would fucking kill and die for. You guys know who you are. I love you all very much. Please don't leave me

 

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Monday, June 30, 2008 

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.. ----> Tina. Current mood:  calm Category: Friends So it has technically been a month since Tina's passed away. I love to write and am usually doing so when "the spirit moves me" And well, that it has done today. There are so many things to say yet not enough words to express them. I want to say things yet the words don't feel right. I guess I should start by whatever pops into my head. Gussy [5-3] told me that Saturday morning when I was upstate working with my kids. He txt me that he had bad news, I called him right away and he told me. I didn't believe it. To be honest, I thought it was some fucked up thing and felt numb as hell. I started calling ppl trying to find out wtf had happened and no one really knew anything.  I cried as I told my grandma who had known Tina and cried telling Lauren b/c I knew how close they were. But still, I shoved it all inside and just went on with the day. I had a full day ahead of me full of trainings and work. On the drive home on Sunday, I tried hard not thinking about it but, felt like hell as I talked to some friends. I sent out a txt to my friends telling everyone how much I loved them even though I hardly spoke to most of them anymore. Getting home meant getting online trying to talk to ppl and find out wtf had really happened. I hit up people and they told me. I was still not wanting to believe it. It just didn't feel like something real. Her wake was on Tuesday the 3rd. I was out in Bklyn shooting a film and met up with Valan afterwards to head over. I bought her pink roses because Eddy told me she'd like them. I got to the funeral home and stayed outside trying to get strength to walk in. When I did and saw her laying there, my heart crumpled. I couldn't stand it. Eddy made me go up to her and say hi. She looked beautiful. She had all her piercings in and looked just like Tina, not like a lot of dead ppl I've seen who look nothing like themselves. She had what looked like a read tear streaming down her right eye. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry anymore and was fine. That weds, my friend Felicia was having some ppl over at her house so I went. I started talking to Eddy when I got there and proceeded to spend over an hr locked up in Felicia's room bawling. It just hit me so hard to hear everything. In my eyes, I really thought Tina was still clean. What hurt me the most was that I didn't or couldn't do anything. She'd hit me up on myspace when she was around, but we didn't chill as much as we used to back in the day. We'd lost touch  and weren't as cool as we used to be. For that, we're both guilty, I didn't try hard enough to see her out of parties and well, neither did she. But know for certain, when we did see each other, it was insane. Still, the love I felt from that girl was huge. Seeing her the last time bothers me because it was the first time I saw her break down. I saw her cry which I had never seen before. She pushed me away and walked away from me. She then ran back to me and cried on me. It was just like our crazy friendship. Yes, Tina had a lot of issues and I didn't agree with some of the things she did or say but, Tina never let ME down. She fucked with a lot of ppl and that's made a lot of ppl dislike her or whatever but Tina was always true to ME. I never had beef with her, if anything, she was one of the few ppl willing to throw down for me [Nikki n Sams being the perfect example.] She always looked out for me. I don't even remember how it was that we really got cool. We just sort of did. Started hanging out and things just went on from there. We had an AMAZING summer the first time. The second summer was ok and then this summer, won't be the same.  Things just change. I've learned to accept it. I still have FAG, our baby. She gave me this little rainbow colored teddy bear and I gave her my sheep.  Most of my family knew her. It was a beautiful thing. I just wish we'd have stayed in touch more, things coulda been a lot different. I will miss running into Tina at random places and hugging her, grinding and then saying bye. Tina's death has put  lot into perspective for me. I realized once again that friends are few and I must learn to cherish whatever relationship I do have with them and not waste time thinking about how we're not as close as we used to be but taking things in stride. I'm horrible at keeping in touch with some ppl b/c I wasn't really into chilling but now, I'm ready to be there for all my friends. Those that I just party with and those that mean the world to me.  Through it all, Tina  was my  friend. She might have lied to me at times, but who hasn't lied? Who hasn't done things they're not proud of, but unlike her, we still have the chance to make things right

Currently listening: De Viaje By Sin Bandera Release date: 2003-10-21

Toque Profundo continues to be a band to acknowledge. They started creating music the year I was born and two decades later, are still loved and followed. I have been a fan of theirs for a few years now after my older sister got me interested in them. Although Toque has not released any new music in a few years, their old songs continue to receive admiration from those who listen to them.
The boys in Toque have remained humble even throughout their success which has opened the door into the US for many Dominican artists as well as bringing music to the masses in the Dominican Republic where rock music is still widely dismissed.
My mother and father, strongly dislike most rock music yet still bob their head and tap their feet along to Toque's songs. They touch on topics ranging from fun filled tracks like "Duarte con Paris" & "El Jevito" to songs touching the sensitive spots like "Amigo" and "Angel Ciego." Toque has also been a band to put into light some of the problems faced by Dominicans in their fun, light song "Mi Pais" and touch upon the immigration topic and the topic of discrimination in songs like "Dios Salve al Viajero" and "Millones de Voces." In short, there is something for everyone in their music.

Although not really performing anymore in the United States as Toque, the members of TP have done a few shows in the recent months in the Dominican Republic. Will they come back into the US and tour as the amazing band they are? I sure hope so, this country is in need of the positivity & awareness that Toque Profundo brings to the ears.

They as far as I can see do not have an official website but do have a myspace that is often checked, check them out, it'll be work it!
www.myspace.com/toqueprofundo -

Yesterday, I got a visit from an old friend, someone I hadn't expected to see in a long time and we got to talking about the past and about a lot of things. It made me very nostalgic. At one point, we were talking about someone who is no longer with us, someone whose life was tragically cut just when they were ready to start a new life and it hurt to know that there were still so many things that I didn't know about her and that I never will know. There are so many unanswered questions that I have no idea who to turn to and ask. Thinking about those questions made me realize that there are so many questions I want to ask those that are living yet am too afraid of either hearing their answers or of the reaction I'll get.

Will they walk away when I ask them to stay?
Will they laugh if I tell them how I feel? Or will they simply smile and nod and act like things are ok yet inside, they're wishing I'd disappear?
Will they think I'm crazy for feeling or thinking what I do?
Are they over it?
Are they thinking about something else when I'm asking them something?

I don't know, all this has put me in a thinking mood and I don't know who to turn to with a lot of the questions I have. I'm finding that I have all these expectations in my head that just arent working out, or that just aren't living up to what they should be.

Today a great weight was lifted off my shoulders yet, I still don't feel content or happy, I still find myself even when I'm with those I love, even when I'm laughing and smilling, I'm still not all there.

I dk wtf is up or why I'm rambling, guess I just needed to let it out. Thanks for reading.