WELL TODAY IS A SAD DAY FOR ME.... ITS BEEN EXACTLY 1 MONTH AGO TODAY SINCE MY DAD PASSED AWAY. I THOUGHT THAT I WAS DOING OK WITH THIS. I REALLY DID. BUT I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT I'M NOT DOING AS GOOD AS I THOUGHT THAT I WAS. THE THING IS I WAS KEEPING MYSELF SO BUSY IN THE BEGINNING THAT I REALLY DIDNT HAVE TIME TO STOP AND THINK ABOUT HOW MY DAD WAS REALLY GONE FROM MY LIFE FOREVER. BUT NOW I'VE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO KEEP MYSELF BUSY WITH AND NOW ITS KINDA HIT ME HARD. I'M KINDA KEEPING TO MYSELF MORE AND MORE LATELY. I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE AND SLEEP ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT LONG. I DONT REALLY WANT TO TALK TO MY FRIENDS OR FAMILY MUCH. I JUST REALLY WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. I KNOW THAT ITS REALITY AND DEPRESSION THAT IS SETTING IN NOW. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I MISS MY DAD MORE THAN I CAN EXPLAIN TO ANYONE. IT REALLY SUCKS. THEN THERES THE FEELINGS OF GUILT THAT I AM HAVING TO DEAL WITH TO. NOBODY REALLY KNOWS WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO MAKE THE DECISIONS. I MEAN I KNOW THAT MY DAD AND I HAD PLENTY OF CONVERSATIONS ABOUT WHAT HE WANTED AND DIDNT WANT IN HIS FINAL DAYS. AND I KNOW HE HAD THESE CONVERSATIONS WITH THE REST OF MY FAMILY TO BUT THAT STILL DOESNT CHANGE THE FACT THAT IN THE END I ULTIMATELY HAD TO BE THE ONE WHO SAID EITHER YES OR NO OR DO THIS OR DONT DO THAT ANYMORE WHEN IT CAME TO HIS MEDICAL CARE. AND I CANT KEEP FROM ASKING MYSELF DID I GIVE UP ON HIM TO EASY? AND TO SOON? SHOULD I HAVE TRIED TO FIGHT FOR HIS LIFE A LITTLE BIT LONGER? AND HARDER? DID I DO RIGHT BY HIM? DID I DO EVERYTHING HE WANTED ME TO DO FOR HIM? DID HE CHANGE HIS MIND? DID HE WANT TO GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL?OR WAS HE HAPPY THAT I BROUGHT HIM HOME? I DONT KNOW. I GUESS I WILL NEVER HAVE THE ANSWERS TO MY QUESTIOINS AND I WILL HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH MYSELF FOR THE CHOICES I MADE. THE CHOICES I THOUGHT THAT HE WANTED ME TO MAKE. BUT TODAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY FOR ME AND I JUST PRAY THAT IT GETS EASIER FOR ME AS TIME GOES ON. BUT FOR NOW I AM SLIPPING AWAY INTO MY OWN LITTLE WORLD OF DEPRESSION....

WELL  FINALLY THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS TO REPORT. MY BIG BROTHER AND HIS OLDEST DAUGHTER MOVED DOWN HERE TO HEMET FROM LAS VEGAS TO LIVE WITH ME. IM SO EXCITED AND HAPPY BECAUSE NOW ALL OF MY DAD'S KIDS ARE LIVING WITHIN 20 MINUTES FROM EACH OTHER. WE HAVENT ALL LIVED SO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE YOUNG CHILDREN. SO THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT EXPERIENCE. MY DAD WOULD BE SO PROUD THAT THE FIVE OF US HAVE BECOME SO CLOSE DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME.

AS FAR AS HOW IM DOING SINCE THE DEATH OF MY LOVING FATHER.... WELL IM HANGING IN THERE I GUESS. I'M DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN POSSIBLY BE DOING UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. ITS ONLY BEEN 15 DAYS SINCE HE WENT TO HEAVEN SO ITS STILL HARD TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HES NOT JUST AT WORK OR AT THE CASINO AND THAT HE'S NOT GONNA JUST PULL UP IN THE DRIVEWAY AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT AND WALK THROUGH OUR FRONT DOOR. I HAVE MY GOOD DAYS AND MY BAD DAYS BUT I DO MY BEST TO GET THROUGH IT AND STAY STRONG FOR EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME. ITS GREAT THAT I HAVE SUCH A STRONG AND TIGHT SUPPORT SYSTEM TO RELY ON THOUGH. I COULDNT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT ALL OF THEM. I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM SO MUCH AND I DONT NEED TO NAME NAMES THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

WELL THATS ALL FOR NOW. TTUL FRIENDS

i love thsi song

WELL ITS BEEN EXACTLY ONE WEEK AGO TODAY SINCE MY DAD HAD SUCH A MAJOR SURGERY. HE IS STILL IN ICU BUT HE IS SHOWING IMPROVEMENTS EVERYDAY. I TALKED TO HIS DOCTOR YESTERDAY AND HE SAID THAT MY DAD ISNT HEALING AS FAST AS THEY HAD EXPECTED OR HOPED BUT HE IS HEALING. THEY STARTED HIM ON ELECTROLYTES AND LIPITOR IN HIS IV TO HELP THE HEALING PROCESS.HE STILL DOESNT HAVE HIS VOICE COMPLETELY BUT HE IS ABLE TO TALK SOME. HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD THOUGH. HIS BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINALLY BACK UP THEIR ALOT BETTER THAN WHAT IT WAS. SO THAT IS GOOD NEWS. MY BIG BROTHER IS DOWN HERE WITH IS 3 KIDS FOR THE WEEKEND FROM VEGAS.SO THAT IS GREAT MY DAD IS REALLY EXCITED TO BE SEEING HIM AND THE KIDS AGAIN. ALSO MY UNCLE BILLY (MY DADS BABY BROTHER) IS DOWN HERE FROM ARKANSAS. HE WILL BE DOWN FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS. WE HAVENT SEEN HIM IN ABOUT 14 OR 15 YEARS AT LEAST. SO THAT IS GREAT TOO. ALL IN ALL WE ARE HOPEFUL FOR MY DAD. NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME IS AT LEAST HIS QUALITY OF LIFE SHOULD BE BETTER AS HE SHOULDNT BE IN SO MUCH PAIN NOW THAT HE HAD HIS SURGERY. AND THE DOCTORS SAY HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO COME HOME SOON. MAYBE BY WEDNESDAY OR THURSDAY IF ALL GOES WELL. BUT WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR HIM TO START EATING FOOD AGAIN. HE HASNT BEEN ABLE TO EAT FOOD OR DRINK ANYTHING IN ABOUT 10 DAYS NOW. CRAZY HUH? SO ONCE HE STARTS EATING AND PASSING GAS AND WALKING AGAIN HE WILL BE ABLE TO COME HOME. I CANT WAIT. KEEP ALL THE PRAYERS COMING IN AS WE STILL NEED ALL THAT WE CAN GET.

JUST WANTED TO LET YOU ALL KNOW THAT MY DAD HAD HIS SURGERY ON SATURDAY. THE SURGEON SAID THAT THE TUMOR THAT THEY REMOVED WAS ALMOST THE SIZE OF A BASKETBALL. THANK GOD HE MADE IT OUT OF THE SURGERY OK. HE DID LOSE ALOT OF BLOOD. 500 CC'S OF BLOOD TO BE EXACT. HE IS DOING WELL THOUGH. THEY SAY HE ISNT OUT OF THE WOODS YET AND HE IS ICU AT THE HOSPITAL. THEY ALSO DID A BIOPSY OF HIS LIVER BUT WE HAVENT GOTTEN THE RESULTS FROM EITHER BIOPSY YET. I WILL KEEP YOU ALL UPDATED AS SOON AS WE HEAR SOMETHING ON THAT. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS AND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT. IT MEANS ALOT TO ME. PLEASE KEEP THE PRAYERS COMING IN THOUGH. WE STILL NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET.