So... well vacuuming a couple days ago, I found this gargoyle that I think my roommate used for a Halloween party she had at her old place.  And, me thinking I'm funny, hid it in her room.  I was 100% sure she'd find it eventually, she's crazy like that, so I hid it.  Not very well hid either, just enough to make it scary.

And let's discuss this gargoyle for a second.  It's scary!  It's got this scary face and the eyes I'm sure glow if the light goes on inside it.  (Hee hee... light's on but nobody's home... that's what just popped in my head.)

ANYWAY.  I actually forgot about the gargoyle... until this morning.

I opened my door sleepily and... looked directly in the eyes of the gargoyle.  Now it must be said that when I get scared - the startled, shocked, person jumping around a corner kind of sudden scare - I don't usually scream.  Internally, my stomach drops and my kidneys hug each other, but I don't usually scream.

So coming out of my room, I made this warbly noise and stepped backwards into my room to get a better look at the creature.  It took me a second (cuz I'd just woken up) to figure out why it was hanging in mid-air but upon closer inspection, I saw she (my beloved roommate... ... ) had tacked it to the ceiling and hung it on a string.

I'm not at my most brilliant in the morning... So I took the gargoyle and yanked on it to bring the tacks out of the ceiling... but sudden force on the string caused the tacks to fling outwards from the ceiling like a bad scene from a horror movie... I jumped backwards, and then went and picked the tack up from off the floor several miles away from me.

There's still a tack in the ceiling.  I stuck the gargoyle in the old microwave in the storage closet to make me feel better.  And now I have to get ready for work... far away from the closet.

I've read this poem before, and I just read it again and I thought it was awesome. Again.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Well, you got the point.  I was having quite the adventure.

Here's where it got good.

I was doing really well, you know?  Yes, flailing and all that, but I was doing it.  How many of you were outside yesterday?  It was hot.  Thing is, I spent about an hour inside before I went out.  And it's freezing cold in our living room because we have the air conditioning unit going full blast.  So, I was cold.  I had a big fuzzy warm hoodie on and jeans and I was still hugging the blanket on the couch.  So, for some reason, even though I heard the lady say it was 28 degrees outside, I heard it was some kind of record, I heard all of that.  But I was cold!  So I thought I'd be fine.

I got off the parking lot and realized it was not going to be fine.  I was boiling hot within the first several curbs.  So... by the time I was about 7/8 of the way to my class, I was hot.  I was sweaty.  My face was as red as a lobster... Trouble breathing... Sweat pouring down my back.  Luckily for me I was carrying a backpack because I was sure it was so obvious that I was sweating, but atleast the backpack hid a lot of it.

So... almost there.  Until the unthinkable happened.  The hill from hell.  I know.  We met the bump from hell... well, this one was quite large.  And you've got to give me credit for thinking ahead (because of course I was scanning ahead) that the end of this hill was not going to be fun.  Not only was it super steep, super bumpy, and not straight... the sidewalk ended in the driveway into a very popular parking lot which I could see up ahead there were cars driving across... And there was no pole for me to entangle myself on.

Problem, yes?  I was already on a non-stop tilt down the scary hill towards the oncoming traffic and I reached panic-mode.  So, what I did was try and slow down on the grass in the ditch.

The ditch... Well, I did slow down... I stopped.  That's right, I fell.  A good fall too, I must say.  My first fall as a new rollerblader.  Yup.  Down I went.  My feet found the grass, my body found the pavement.  Yeah, I was really appreciative for that... Quite the fall.  I scraped up my hands and I landed quite hard on one side.

But being the smart person that I am, I thought... what better spot to put my shoes on then right here!  So anyone driving by a millisecond later, it looked like I had planned this spot to put my shoes on.  Bench, ledge, chair?  That's kids play.  I choose the ground to put my shoes on.

So... I had to walk the last 5 minutes to my class, carrying my rollerblades.  To anyone else, clearly I looked like the most athletic person going... Like I always rollerbladed to school.  If anyone looked really close though they'd see my face dripping with sweat and red like.. like something bright red.

I finally made it to my building and limped up the stairs.. and discovered that my class had been moved.  To where?  I didn't know, because the room was a room I'd never heard of before.  I asked the nearest stranger if he knew where it was, but he looked like he was trying to get away from me as fast as possible... I then started worrying that maybe my sweat had now formed a smell and was emanating through my BIG BULKY sweater.

Finally, this chick, who turned out to be my teacher, told me it was the Engineering building... More importanly, the AIR CONDITIONED building.  I made a friend on the way to the building because she was staring at the class change paper just as I had a few minutes earlier.

So... we walked to our class together.  When we got inside, I of course bee-lined it for the back because I knew as soon as I peeled my backpack off my back, then it was going to be quite obvious how sweaty I was... but my new friend headed for the second row of chairs.  Do I take off to the back and cool off in silence?  No, I want a friend.  A study buddy, if you will... so I followed.

And as soon as I got my backpack off and the cold air hit, I knew my back had to be sweaty.  So I plastered myself against the back of my chair for the rest of the class.  So there I was... boiling hot, red-faced, and sweaty, trying to catch my breath... and wipe the sweat off my face.  But every time I nonchalantly tried to hide the fact I was drying off my face, this chick beside me would turn to say something.  I'm sure in her head she was thinking, "All these years since high school, and yet, I still manage to sit next to the sweaty kid."

But the class was really good!  I'm looking forward to it... I mean, it's on the Holocaust so it won't be light.. but I think it'll be good.

Last funny story for today.  I walked out of the building with several of my classmates, and since my pain had subsided into a dull ache, I thought, hey!  I'll rollerblade home!  So I sat down on the stairs and started to put them on, banking on the fact that while these people were walking away thinking about how athletic I was, they wouldn't be there when I performed my comedic act that is getting off the ground.

|Long story short... I sat on the stairs for a bit wondering how I was going to get up... Because the stairs were low enough that I couldn't push myself up.  I considered inching sideways until I got to the wall, but people were walking by.  That would be slightly obvious.  So, I kneeled on the stairs and stuck my posterior in the air and pushed upwards and with a lot of flailing, bending, and moving, I got up and off the ground.  And promptly started rolling down the hill that was the cement pad I was on.  I tried to make it look like I had planned it, up, off and away!  But the flailing panic kind of gave me up. 

I made it home though.  Slowly, somewhat painfully, and atleast the sun went down so it was less sweaty... but I made it home.  One for me!

So, incase you're tuning in now... My French class is awesome.  I'm learning... a lot more now, but for the first half I still was hearing stuff I'd learned in high school.  But now... Now I'm learning more.  Anyways, my French teacher is awesome.  What makes him awesome is the fact that every French sentence that we're learning out of our 'reader' inspires him to go off on some tangent about something.

So... yesterday was hilarious.  He walked in, didn't really say much.  Then:

"You will get one rotten joke in 10 minutes, so let's do the exercise."

This was the signal that today was going to be funny.

So... the exercise goes through, and he got distracted and then in mid-sentence...

"Oh yeah, joke.  Okay, here it goes!  You're frying bacon in the morning.  How do you stop bacon from curling?... " Pause, he's getting excited like a little boy before he delivers the punchline... and ... "You take away their broom!"  Of course he's laughing, which makes the joke more funny.  "... It's a curling joke."  That's right folks, he EXPLAINED the joke!  Oy.

It got better from here. 
The next line in the book was: Elle aime les hommes.  (She likes the guys.)

So he's reading: "Elle aime les hommes.  ... " Now in a note you don't hear all the time, "GREAT!"  He actually yelled it.  She likes the men... great.  Yup, ladies and gentlemen, we're all 5 years old.

Next French line: J'ai achete une maison.  Translation: I bought a house.
French teacher: "What's the price of a house in Winnipeg?  Once I get my income tax in the mail, I'll have $500 in the bank.  I'm looking at a $200,000 house." Pause. "There seems to be some sort of disproportion there... but I'll have to go to the bank to find out for sure."  He says it so deadpan, it was so funny!

Cet homme, don't j'admire l'intelligence... Translation: This guy whose mind I love... Yes, folks, he went off a talk again.

"Can you admire someone's mind?  Admire??  Well, what would you rather be, really smart or really beautiful?"  Of course our class didn't go along with him and we all said we'd rather be smart.  My thoughts were, if I was really smart, I'd find a way to make millions and get the beauty part taken care of.  Anyway... he kept going.  "You guys are so naive.  Or as my mom would say, nave.  Look at really successful people, most of them are really dumb but really beautiful."  Then you could see the gears in his brain whirring.  "Although bankers...  they're usually ugly.  They have the brains, so they make all the money.  Have you ever seen a nice-looking banker?  They probably give them all that money to compensate for something."  This statement of course made the back row (which I sit in) laugh for quite a while.  Ah, it's good times had by all!

Hey so... yesterday.  On the bus.  I had parked my car in this huge parking lot close to a bus stop that would take me directly into the university.  Excellent.  I even went early enough so I was guaranteed to show up ON TIME for my French lab.  Super!  But... alas... as I was running to the bus that I had been sure I had time to make, I didn't look at the actual bus number as I was getting on... and got a little confused when instead of going down University Crescent, it kept going down Pembina... away from where I wanted to go.  Shoot.  So, I'm thinking... what bus am I on?  Now what do I do?  It's going to look weird if I get off at the next stop... especially because I just PARKED there two seconds ago.  So, not wanting to look foolish... I stare out the window with a look of despair.  Which I saw in my reflection in the window.

What bus am I on... What bus am I ON... Then I looked up at the little message thing and I couldn't see most of it, but I thought it said University of Manitoba so I figured... if it says that, it has to go there eventually, right?  Right... but first it takes the residential tour of WINNIPEG.  It actually felt a lot longer than it was because once we left Pembina, I was completely lost... but eventually, off in the distance... (what's that off in the distance?-joke that only Jenn & Lydia will get) the university arose.  And my heart slowed and I was okay again.  I was 10 minutes late for my class... but whatever, it's a language lab.

But yesterday brought back memories of when I went to Edmonton in March last year to visit a friend and she had classes during the day, so I took a bus to downtown Edmonton and then tried to figure out how to get to West Edmonton Mall.  It was cold... it was snowing... I had hitched a ride with a stranger and therefore didn't want to talk to anyone else... so the first bus I saw with the words West Edmonton Mall on it, I got on.  Ah ha... that bus was also one of the ones that it's end destination is West Edmonton Mall... but it's more of a future thought of a destination than actually something that will happen soon.  I rode all over Edmonton... people got on and rode to their stop and got off again... THREE TIMES.  And then finally... the mall.  The bus driver looked at me funny as I got off... but hopefully I just looked like a crazy tourist...

Today... where do I start.

Well, I'll start with yesterday.  I got a membership at Shapes yesterday.  Good idea, yes?  I'm done physio now, and I need to be active and get my knee all healed up... so plan is, join a gym.  This was a very scary thing, I know I'm not hugely athletically inclined, but I'm turning over a new leaf... and/or tree.

Good.  So, I get a membership yesterday and the girl asks me if I'm going to stick around, presumably to do athletic-y things.  Nope, I'm not, just joining was enough for me yesterday.

So today.  You know how they have their group aerobics or biking or whatever?  Well, they have a "Group Groove" class where people do dance moves to music.  I know that my body does not move with any sort of groove... but it's a first step and I wanted to try it out.

1st step - buy athletic-looking clothing.  I own no pairs of sweat pants or t-shirts that are a good idea to be stretching or dancing or grooving in to anything.  So, I stop at the Sports store beside Shapes to buy some athletic things.  Excellent.  Finally I find a black pair of Adidas sweat pants that I fall in love with, and I'm going to go hunting for a t-shirt when the nice helpful saleslady pipes up from outside the change room door, "So, you probably want a t-shirt that matches, right?"  At first I'm thinking, matches my black sweats?  Oh crap, she means the brand.  I had found a black Nike t-shirt that I was going to get, but NOW, oh no!  I have to match brand names too!  So, finally, after several minutes of searching and saying no to dozens of shirts that the lady so nicely brought me, we find an Adidas shirt.  Black.  My favorite color.  So I buy them and trudge nervously over to Shapes. 

I realize, on entering, that I'm half an hour early for the dance thing... so I must do something until then.  Well, I spent a good 5 minutes wondering why I'd forgotten to also buy a lock for the lockers in the change room.  I wondered for a half a second whether I really needed a lock, until the nice woman in the change room said, "I wouldn't leave my stuff alone here for a second because people steal everything here."  Well, with that cheery piece of news, I beg the lady behind the desk to let me leave me stuff there.  "It's my first time, I know I'm a loser, but please take pity on me, because my shirt and pants match."

Want to know what didn't match?  My brown Converse skater shoes with the pink on the side.  But who really cares anymore, because my stuff won't get stolen.

Now there's still 20 minutes left until the class.  What do I do?  The girl behind the desk, nice as she was, didn't seem the chatty type.  Ah yes, the water fountain... slurp.  Clearly I've been working hard and needed a little water break.  Now back to the workout I go... insert jogging motion here.  Only, my first assessment where they set up a schedule for me isn't until tomorrow morning.  So, I don't know what to do.  And to top it off, I also don't know what half the machines are or how to use them or even where to sit myself down to use them.  So, wide-eyed and terrified, I find the only 2 machines I ever used during physio and do my reps for my knee on those.  Great.  15 minutes left until the class.  Time for another water break!! YAY!

13 minutes left until the class.  I already hid in the change room for a bit while I was changing thinking maybe I could waste half an hour in there, but then I was so worried about where I was going to leave my stuff so it wouldn't get stolen that I couldn't sit still.

12 minutes left until the class.  Clearly a bathroom break is needed... all the water... you understand.

10 minutes left until the class.  So, I wonder athletically over to the other machines, trying to look like I've been working out for hours and wondering if maybe I should do another 150 reps on this torture machine over here... no, I shake my head, and wander athletically off... brown skater shoes and all.

5 minutes left until the class.  (How'd the time jump so fast?  I had another water break.)  But, now it's only 5 minutes and after reading every sign on the wall, it says its okay to wait outside the room before your class starts... and 5 minutes isn't that long.  So I stand there, pressed against the wall in fear wondering if all these people going at it on the treadmills (I know what those are for) can smell my fear.  Crap, I don't have deoderant.  They're going to be smelling a whole lot more in about 10 minutes.  Shoot.

"Have you been here before?  Do you know what the Group Groove class is like?" asks a really pleasant 40-50 year old woman with non-matching clothes as well.  Nope, definitely my first time in the BUILDING, let alone first grooving in a group class.  "Oh, well my dear, don't worry (apparently my fear was showing), it'll be lots of fun!"

Fun.  Yes... not quite fun.  Fun-ish, maybe.  The instructor would be yelling out "Step... Step... Step and kick... Step... Step... Step, and twirl, and step... step..."  What would I be doing? Anything following a twirl was usually not followed by a step, but more of a graceful stumble.  "Step... step... and twirl... and shake it!"  Shake it.... SHAKE WHAT?  I didn't know I could shake that, and judging by my appearance in the floor-to-ceiling mirror in front of me, my reflection doubts whether I should ever attempt shaking anything ever again.

Finally, the hour has passed... A couple of awkward jokes with the lady beside me about how we should start our own dance team and go national, and I teeter-totter back to the change room, (after retrieving my stuff from the lady behind the desk who forgot who I was), and I leave. 

And God spoke to me... not in a blinding light... not in a booming voice... but in a still, small whisper somewhere around twirl number 10 that it's okay if I don't want to be a dancer, He won't mind... best to leave that up to professionals.

Well... I was taking the bus towards downtown, and I was a little tired so I wasn't really paying attention to my surroundings very much... ie. I didn't pay attention to who sat down next to me.

I was reading a book, and I finished it, so I just kind of phased out and stared out the window for a while... until I noticed the guy next to me was reading a newspaper... so I, being a nerd, wanted to know what newspaper he was reading... It was one from the U of M...

And then I noticed that he had his hand on the side of his face, and that made me curious so I looked up to see what he was doing.  He was pinching some of his skin together to POP A PIMPLE.

So... I turned my head very quickly to stop myself from vomiting over the fact that the pimple was aimed directly at me... and tried to find my happy place staring out the window.  I was trapped!!

Luckily my stop was in 2 stops so I tried to not think about it until I got off the bus... until I saw him finally pull his hand away from his face and wipe SOMETHING onto his pants.

I don't think I started breathing again until several blocks later.

Ode to the Death Trap.

What can I say?  I owe 2 hours of fun and good times and bruises to...

The Death Trap.

Who knew that with only a few supplies, and the ability to look beyond the fact that we could hit a tree, Marcia and I could conceive one of the greatest wonders of the Modern World.

The Death Trap.

What is it?  Oh, it is only something to be spoken of in hushed and reverent tones... Something of a mystery.  Something that was built to last forever... or atleast until the toboggan finally breaks forever.  (Toboggan by the way is a sled, not a tuque.)

How do I love thee Death Trap?  Let me count the ways...

What was and is and forever will be... the Death Trap?  Well, Marce and I decided to put together two forces that on their own cause enough injuries.. but TOGETHER.  Together they cause the fastest thing known to man..

The Death Trap.

We took Marce's exceptionally long Crazy Carpet... (remember... hushed and reverent tones) and attached to my wooden sled... AKA the Torpedo.  Now, it's important to know that the curved part of my toboggan was already partially broken due to a failed 3-person attempt down a very steep hill... Now latch the Crazy Carpet handles onto the broken part of the front of my Torpedo... and my friends, you've got yourselves a Death Trap.

I'm not sure when we actually decided that it would be a good idea to try it out.  When we did try it the first time however, I remember that I was very afraid and would not do it on my own.  "I'm not riding this Death Trap by myself" I believe I said.  So, Marce and I got on together.

Marce also patented her own phrase that afternoon with "Sideways is NEVER A GOOD THING!" as our toboggan went sideways... now, the Crazy Carpet is accustomed to going sideways, it's in its nature... however, the Torpedo?  The Torpedo is made of wood.  And is a rectangle.  And when we went sideways, the Crazy Carpet tended to vacate the area and the Torpedo would stick into the snow and send us FLYING down the hill on our own... sometimes still entangled together.  Thus coining the line "SIDEWAYS IS NEVER A GOOD THING!"

There were several times when the Crazy Carpet came out from under the Torpedo and we'd end up rolling off several feet at a high speed.  Or when Marce would come off from on top of the Torpedo and we'd come to a very abrupt stop as we'd discover human beings do not slide down the hill as well as plastic does.  There was one unfortunate incident that I had some unintentional help in where Marce's face came in contact with the ground and slid several inches.  Add in the time that we went over the ramp accidently and became airborne and slid several feet together on the bare snow perfectly before we realized we had been launched off the toboggan... Plus a desperate need to go to the bathroom, and you have yourself a side-splitting good time.  Literally... That one time we got real close to the tree...

Crazy Carpet attached to the Torpedo (securely this time?)?  Check.

Feet up?  Check.

Fear?  Check.

Let's go!