I decided it was a bad idea to post it. If you really want to read it, message me. 

I won't be discussing it if you do read it.

     This day marks thirty-five years of American women's right to choose. Time passes and the more things change, the more things stay the same. For the past thirty-five years American women have enjoyed the crumbs of the fruits of the equal rights movement. It is a gift to know that we live in a world where a woman's health is more defended than it has ever been. However, that same woman finds herself in a situation where her personal and biological rights are more ignored and more in danger than they have been in quite some time.

     The distressing function of all of this is that there are so many that acquiesce the trampling of the separation of church and state, a women's biological rights, women's social rights and the Constitution of the United States simultaneously. It is only more frustrating to know that many of the people leading the assault are those who are sworn to defend these concepts.

     It hurts to see people roll over when they are in danger of being fleeced of their liberties. Stand up, speak out and realize that disagreeing with those who call themselves a moral majority does not make you amoral. Remember that the original American revolutionaries and patriots were the day's insurgents.  Know that "the best slave is the one that believes that (s)he is free". And as such, understand that it means that a major victory thirty-five years passed does not mark the end of the struggle.

     It can't be a coincidence that the anniversary of Roe V. Wade falls so close to the day that we celebrate the life of Martin Luther King Jr. One would be hard pressed to find many examples of civil change greater than Dr. King. He would have us march where those who seek to destroy us live. He would have us speak to those who don't want to hear it. He would have us wage this bloodless campaign and he would have us win. Everyone deserves their biological rights. Everyone deserves to see that mountaintop. Everyone deserves equality.

    If you want to celebrate how far we've come, get out there and dissent when you know the danger will arise. Get out there, vote and encourage others to do the same. Demand that your "leaders" evolve even if they don't believe in evolution. Count how many times they champion themselves and catalysts for change and call them on it. Take a page from Dylan Thomas and don't go gently into that good night.

all things considered, my life has been a dream come true from the word "go". i'm just glad i'm not stupid enough to take it for granted due to the bumps and bruises that we all face. i have seen much more of the world than i would have if i were even slightly less lucky. this is not to say that i haven't worked for it but, fate never gurantees that anything will work out. the wealth of wonderful people in my sphere are no small part of me being fortunate and i love them.

if you are reading this, chances are you are no exception.

      I have had conversations lately that really brought the concept of love and impermanence to the front of my mind. Some of my favourite art explores the surface of this duality but, it never really resonated on a profound level.  Perhaps I was just never paying enough attention to my own experience to realize that it was something that I weathered and could speak on with relative sagacity.  

     My discoveries are simple but, I think they are things that I will be living to the letter for some time to come. Perhaps they will be useful to someone. Perhaps I should just stick to penning dance hits. I am sure someone will let me know.

     We often work tirelessly toward a goal that we believe in our hearts is happiness. We make demands on ourselves because we tell ourselves that they are the path to transcendental fulfillment. Unfortunately we are occasionally left with nothing but ignis fatuus .

     There is nothing wrong with reevaluating your life. There is nothing wrong with establishing new goals. There can be nothing wrong with realizing that you are someone you thought you weren't. None of that makes you a lesser human being. On one hand it could mean that you are growing into a person who knows where their happiness lies. But, check yourself. In a lot of cases it could, just as well mean that you are settling. What makes us complete is the journey toward completion. Enjoying kicking our own asses for what we "want" and what we believe in is how we know we're doing what we should be doing. If we wake up in the morning dreading our efforts or worse hiding our actions, we have obviously missed steps.

     What do you do? The two possibilities I have now witnessed yield very different ends. Neither is completely painless but, we all favour one to the other. The choice I prefer is to use simple problem solving when the situation is manageable. There isn't a person alive who likes to admit that they have a problem to get through. We all want to be invincible and unaffected but, that isn't realistic or practical. Sometimes the things that we love hurt us, injure us, torment us and kill us. In this day of low undervalued durable goods, even true love and dreams have a shelf life. Admit it to yourself and those around you and you can easily build ivory castles rather than send them tumbling into the sea. We don't want to hurt others or ourselves but, removing a splinter is considerably less messy than dying from a hail of arrows.  

     Of course there is always the hail of arrows approach. Please, for the sake of all that is good, do not let your discontent grow and fester. We can let our issues compound while ignoring the facts and waiting for the narrow field of what we have told ourselves is acceptable. Don't discount sincerity in those around you just because you prefer mountains to high plains. You will miss the love that lies in front of you. What's worse is that you stand to lose that love only to be left with an elephant in the room. Is there anything worse than being crushed by your short sidedness or sacrificing your love and happiness because you fooled yourself into thinking that you were achieving your goals? When all is said and done, you've lost youth, endless possibilities, direction, love and happiness. All you stand to gain is heartache, liability, and aimlessness. Like a hail of arrows, all that does is hurt.

     To some of you, I love you and I hope that impermanence never darkens our doorstep. You've done enough to make me proud and I know you will find your way through to greener pastures. You've earned my admiration, loyalty and respect. I am proud to be crew. To the others, you aren't my friends. I don't care if you think that I am genuine or sincere. At least I learned not to waste my time trying to convince you that you mattered to me. I can't stop my heart from loving you but, I am positive that no part of me is fighting to like you.   If you don't believe what I have to say then we have nothing to talk about.

     If you aren't referenced, I am positive all of this will still apply. Stay true and lob some heart bombs.

so the tour went off. sometimes it was tough. sometimes it was easy. sometimes it didn't matter how it was. i had about 30 logs written and after going through them, i have decided that it doesn't matter what they say. i really appreciate everyone who helped to make the tour a success. everyone who made me feel at home in your town. the people who gave me showers and floors. thank you to friends new, old and renewed. it would have been too very lonely without you. people who bought up the merch and sport it proudly, you are true heroes.

who would have thought that i was dumb enough to book a tour from jacksonville to san francisco(by way of LA) and then drive the entire thing by myself? i am either motivated or unintelligent perhaps, both.

road fatigue never got its chance to set in. there are too many good things out there to miss them due to sleep and crankiness. i am so very happy to have had the chance to see it all with my own eyes.

i saw the desert. i met true good sumaritans. i was a good sumaritan. i ate well. i ate terribly. i had one of the top five best moments of my life. i laughed very hard. i cried even harder. i smiled more than i had in an entire year. i played for people who loved music. i played for people who hated it. i am still learning french. i have feelings i didn't know i had. i nurtured parts of me i didn't know existed. i had dark days. now i don't. i shared experiences. i believe in the bravery of my friends. i saw wanton destruction. i saw things rebuilt. i was hated by few. i loved everyone. i still do.

may the seeds sown on this outing bare the fruits of the future. may the fall tour be half as enlightening and this one. all best to everyone.

     I made a solid new years resolution. I wanted to try to be more realistic. Mind you, this did not mean that I would actually BE more realistic. It was just a resolution to try. Oh 2006, how I have already failed you.

     Explinations come in vague pronouns. And thus, this is what it sounds like:

     Twice before I have encoutered that person. The sort of person who is clearly different from everyone else. Different how? Different as such that they are clearly wonderful and unaffected. If you didn't know better, you would swear that they are why wars are fought, and peace is made. The kind of person that can horrify you with their presence. But!, not in any sense a bad way. Just in a way that entering their personal sphere makes you feel enlightened and capaciously trivial, simultaniously. The third time is not always a charm.

     I have for the third time found this type and the uneasiness is apparently not only mine. In an instant I become a pile of cowardice. Everyone needs their weekness and that is not what is of consequence. What bothers is that this cowardice prods me to make the most terrible of blunders. Acts that even a novice at chess or a poorly read student of human nature would find derisory. It only serves to make the situation more uncomfortable all around and sabotages any semblance of normalcy in relating to one another.

     What does one do to make correctness of a situation that leaves them in a state of trepidation? I wish I knew. Instead, I offer more vague statements and know that you can hear them as you like.

     I like you. When I let you know that I love you, I am not asking for reciprocation or exclusivity. I just feel like it needs to be said. Your company is comforting and I can't help it if I ask for it. I can't help seeming like I rush. All I can offer is the assurance that I want that sort of commitment even less than you do. You have the sort of holding sleep that I used to drive countless hours with. I desperately don't want to scare you. You are not a terrible person. Being uncomfortable is perfectly fine. I would love to hear it, if you're feeling it. I am pretty resilient on the inside. You easily make me more nervous than I make you. Please don't run. Your friendship is valuable and I am quite proud to be your geisha. believe it. I know you won't read this so, feel free to disregard what you may hear of it. You are special.

     What is a labour of love? And when you believe that you have found one, do you really comprehend what it is that your love stems from? It may be true that you find solace in something. It may be true that you find something that gives you a center but, is it possible that even when you’ve found it, you are still unsure and unable to put your finger on it? You can work and work and search for that place your soul would send you but, are you sure that you are searching for enlightenment or are you merely searching for yet another path?

     People say that there are things that they spend their whole lives preparing for. People work towards lofty goals and unattainable glory only to find that the end they searched for was only an ideal that never really existed.  In a manner of speaking, I am one of those people. In a manner of speaking, I was one of those people. I have humbly learned that it’s not always the win that matters. All too often, the fight is just a search for another fight. The ideal is to find the fight that is its own reward but, with that reward there is but more responsibility than you ever imagine.

     The National Yoyo contest is a battleground that I have visited many times. On most days I only visited as a half-hearted soldier. I often made appearances with little preparation, a plan to make the finals and a thought that I could easily change some minds. Sometimes, I came close to making my plans whole. Other times, I failed miserably and left with a bruised ego and a displaced heart. Perhaps, it just never occurred to me that I didn’t know what I was fighting for. Minds are harder to change than the seasons and with poor preparation comes poor execution.

     On October first 2005 I realized that there was something more to the competition that I had entered so many times before. Beyond that, I made it more. I won the National Yoyo Contest. I became more. I won more than I still perceive.

     On that day I entered history and was given a new fight. It is an amazing duty to accept. To be called a champion by so many. To stand as an example of the skill you work at. To become the gold standard. To become the song that people dance and sway along with. To be a flag. To let the petty validation lie and become riot and revolution. I am my love.

     It should be overwhelming but, for some reason it’s more inspiring than anything else. I rarely described myself as a player worth praise. But, I now know that wasn’t the praise that made me a player. It is my love for the activity and the admiration for people that makes me whole.  It never occurred to me that there was greater purpose in my play. Suddenly, I realize that there is joy for others in what I do and now is the time to bring it to them.

     Now is the time to teach others to play. Now is the time to help others to bring themselves happiness. Now is the time to teach others to teach. And now is the time for everyone to do the same. Raise your voice. Lift your heart and sing. Realize there is a voice in everything. 

     Creating youth movements is not reserved for the poor. Positive activity is not appropriated for the wealthy. Revolution is not restricted to the oppressed. No one can speak for the sole right to inspire and educate just as; no one should be sheepish about their ability to become inspiring and instructive. I may have earned the right to be called champion but, the ability to excel is possessed by everyone. Including those who would have seen me fall, that day.

     In each of us is a champion. All people have the potential for greatness. Everyone has a chance to spark change that is merely untapped. Each of us is a J.S.Bach, Pablo Picasso, or Johnny DelValle. In a greater yet more illusive way, each of us is a Dave Hilliard, Jasper John, or Seth Peterson. Each of us is a person who can innovate and bring our love for our activity to new and exciting heights with little concern for flash, flair or glory. These heroes can move forward in each day as it were their last and cast aside the frivolous ornamentation that would cheapen their happiness. Become that model.

     Today is the day to smile. Today is the day to make someone smile. Today is the day to be happy. Today is the day to let someone else know that you are happy. Today is the day to teach someone to walk the dog and rock the baby.  It is worth more than you may ever know. Happiness is contagious and without you, joy is fleeting. Put a show together. Go play in public. Enjoy your life. Start a new crew. Gift someone the tools of the trade. Remember what it is that is the origin of your good times. Help someone else find theirs. Be the center that makes balance possible. Do all of this and be a champion. It is worth more than you may ever know.

* if you've read this, i love you. chances are i loved you anyways. *

Marilynne Robinson on anger:

     "Well, see and see but do not perceive, hear and hear but do not understand, as the Lord says. I can't claim to understand that saying, as many times as I've heard it, and even preached on it. It simply states a deeply mysterious fact. You can know a thing to death and be for all purposes completely ignorant of it. A man can know his father, or son, and there might still be nothing between them but loyalty and love and mutual comprehension.

     My point in mentioning this is only to say that people who feel any sort of regret where you are concerned will suppose you are angry, and they will see anger in what you do, even if if you're just quietly going about a life of your own choosing. They make you doubt yourself, which, depending on cases, can be a severe distraction and a waste of time. This is a thing I wish I had understood much earlier than i did. Just to reflect on it makes me a little irritated. Irritation is a form of anger, I recognize that."

Thanks to Ms. Robinson and recent events, my left wrist is now bare. It's been a long time but, sometimes knowledge is more of a burden than it is power.

It's hard to watch the blind cut their eyes out and even harder to wonder if you delayed them from doing it or handed them the knife. Either way, eyes to see are useless if one is to "see and see but not perceive".

It's not anger, it's perspective.

It is genuinely good to see you.