So I was in the shower this morning, having a vodka martini while washing my hair, and I thought "wouldn't it be great if I had a guy to do this for me?" I mean wash my hair, not drink the martini... I can do that myself...

So after heading outside and kicking some homeless men so I could steal their change cups for cash, I popped into a Starbucks and ordered a non-fat soy chai latte, then had the barista stir it with his tongue. You didn't know Starbucks did that? Well you've probably never asked.

Try it next time. I sat down and fired up my laptop, first browsing a couple porn sites to see if my sister was getting any work... then opened up Craigslist and started to write.

So by this point of my profile, you probably want to shoot me in the kneecap with a small girly handgun... Let me give you some more ammunition...

* While surfing in Africa last winter, I lied to my friend about which beaches had shark sightings then went to the worst one. I smeared his board with fish guts. Once he was attacked, I pulled him from the water... I'm a goddamn hero!

* I've never stolen a car without returning it with a full tank of gas, two tickets to a hockey game, and a gently used handgun in the trunk. Juuuuuust kidding.... who can afford hockey tickets these days? Come to think of it, who can afford gas?

* I know the difference between a fine kilo of pure Columbian yay, and a shopping bag full of icing sugar, so don't try and double cross me like my first four wives.

* Everyone hates mimes... but not me. I respect someone who knows when to shut the fuck up. If we all did that, there'd be less war. Then again, if there was less war, Hollywood would start making more movies about teens trying to lose their virginity before college. I lost mine in grade 8 to my parent's chubby Greek dry clearners... how come no one makes a movie about that?

* My agent thinks I'm an asshole. Partially because I never pay him, partially because I keep getting his name wrong. I'm bad with names. If we sleep together, and I wake up and call you Billy, Bobby, or Billy-Jo, don't be offended. I have the same problem with phone numbers, so if you wonder why I don't call... it's cause some nice family in the 'burbs is getting non-stop booty calls at 2am in your place.

* Don't worry about that though, as I never sleep with the same guy twice. You wouldn't ask DaVinci to paint another copy of the Mona Lisa, would you?

* I get mistaken for Dolly Parton almost everywhere I go. Not Dolly Parton the singer, Dolly Parton the assistant pottery teacher at Langley Highschool (go RiverRats!) Now, since guys online dating all seem to like to tell YOU what YOU should be like (don't you love that?), I'll do the same.

* I don't care where you live. I have a car. I like driving. Have some ice cream and pie waiting for me and I'll drive to Brossard (well... it'd have to be homemade pie if you live in Brossard.)

* I'd prefer if you ARE married or have a boyfriend.... Look... I'm not going to sit around picking out new cutlery from a catalogue with you, or help you walk your tiny little dog. You should have a steady boyfriend or husband for that. I'm like a roller coaster, fun to ride by yourself (or preferably with your best friend!)... but terrible for trying to have a dinner party on! Well... that's it for me. Smell ya later...

PS. If I've piqued your curiosity, you should know that it's Ok for you to email me. I won't tell your friends, family, husbands, or boyfriends that you've been browsing Craigslist's personals... and don't you want to know if I just talk the talk, or walk the walk?

PPS. Please include a photo of yourself, preferably in a suit, but failing that, underwear. And failing that, track pants and a dirty t-shirt always work.

PPPS, Both my parole officer and my therapist have given me the thumbs up to date since "the bank incident".

Below are the qualities I'm looking for. I don't think I'm asking for to much...am I?

- Be over 6'2"
- Be in great shape.
- Be great looking.
- Be educated. I have a masters degree AND a law degree that I boought on-line. That means I am really smart. Did I mention I have a masters degree AND a law degree? Even though deep down I know I am not that bright I can hide behind these degrees and pretend I am - phewww!:)
- Have a great job and make lots of money. If you aren't a doctor or lawyer you aren't good enough cuz they are really, really smart but more importantly they will make my best friends jealous (bitches!).
- Be able to impress my friends and make them envious and jealous. Oops I think I mentioned that above. Just want to make sure you know what your main purpose is.
- Not be too domineering but you aren't a momma's boy either. Meaning whatever mood I am in I will tell you how to act.
- Like wine. I like Shiraz cuz it's Australian and I am really worldly and only know Merlot and Shiraz and Shiraz sounds more sophisticated.
- Be well traveled. The bus tour in London was great and staying at the Paris Hilton just screams culture. It means you are smart, attractive and cultured if you travel, cuz getting on a plane and staying at the Hilton takes lots of brains and skill.
- Like jewelry. Tiffany is my very favorite - it is just wonderful. I love wearing a dog tag around my neck that reads someone elses name. Besides only 20 million other women have it. I feel so special wearing the same thing everyone else does.
- Like Starbucks. Even though their coffee really sucks and is way overpriced I must have it. What would someone think if they saw me walking with a plain styrofoam cup ???
- Like fine cars. As with jewelry, I have very unique taste in cars as well - BMW or Mercedes.
- Love Sex and the City because like the girls on the show I have whored around a ton (I will never admit that to you though) but seeing it done on TV makes it OK. Because they aren't just whores, they are rich women looking for love! They represent sophisticated, educated, tasteful, class just like me. If you are a yuppie and spread your legs for lots of guys you aren't a whore – you are just looking for the right guy. Those uneducated blue collar guys that fuck lots of guys are whores ! But I have a masters degree and a law degree, so just because I have had more men than the urinals at Fenway Park does not make me a whore!
- Be spiritual. Like myself, my mate must have a deeply spiritual side. I have no idea what this means and the deepest thought I have had in six months is what color shoes to wear on New Year's Eve but it sounds good.
- Not ever, ever, ever be worse looking than any of my friends boyfriends cuz if you are I will try to fuck him behind your back and my friends back (that bastard!)
- Not ever, ever, ever, mother fucker be less successful than any of my friends boyfriends. If you are I will try to fuck him behind your back and my friends' back (I hate him!)
- Never bore me. Yes, you guessed it, if you do see above, cuz I am getting sick of telling your sorry ass how many ways and why I will cheat on you (sigh!)
- Give me the attention I need but not be too clingy. Again, this all depends on my mood of the moment. Good luck figuring that out. Oh and if you aren't attentive enough or too attentive, see above.
- Have a huge dick. Again, see above, you know by now what will happen if you don't.
- Constantly be amazing in bed and live up to every fantasy I have ever had about a man. If you don't I'll be coming home late from work several times a week.
- Be a Prince or the son of a Prince. I am too stupid to know that the son of a Prince is still a Prince - all I know is I deserve to be married to one. If not a billionaire, millionaire, singer, actor, athlete, doctor or lawyer (in that order) is acceptable.

Being a psycho or sociopath is OK as long as you meet all the above criteria. I won't let a small thing like that get in the way if you have all the other qualities I am looking for. Just because it didn't work out for Nicole Simpson or Laci Peterson doesn't mean it won't work for us. And even though Princess Diana was more miserable than George Bush on Jeopardy I am sure I will be quite happy being a taken care of like King.  At least until the effect of making my friends really envious and jealous wears off, then I will find something to hate about you and my life – but mainly about you!

Also when I do cheat please know that it will NEVER, EVER, EVER be my fault – IT WILL BE YOURS!

Please note this is just a partial listing of things I am looking for in a man. You should know that this list can and will change constantly and if we do get together there will be an ever changing social contract that I will constantly amend without you knowing it and worse never tell you I changed it.

Phewwww, I'm tired. Time to call one my friends and talk about my other friends behind their back!

I have mastered the art of cleaning my stool hall and I want to share it with you losers who simply lather your wash cloth with some soap and do a quick reach around..THAT WILL NOT CLEAN YOUR ASS!!!! You need to spend at least 5 minutes in that area to have maximun cleanage. How would you feel if you were a girl/guy and while you were licking some guys sausage you get a nice whiff of some anal grease and dingleberries from a soft textured turd that required about 12 wipes in the public restroom? You think it's clean but it is NOT!!! Here are some tips:

Tip 1: After dropping the fecal children off at the pool, you can either use some babywipes (my personal favorite) or you can use a technique I learned from an ex-girlfriend of mine, you wet the toilet paper and proceed to wipe front-to-back, NOT back-to-front. You risk sliding some of the grease beneath your ball sack which creates another problem. This only applies to those who do not get what is called a perfect excrement session aka.."A Clean Break" to where the ca-ca breaks off completely and all you have to do is wipe the water off your gluteus after the initial plop.

Tip 2: Shave the hair off around your rectal, nuts and butt crack. This is just common knowledge, if you dont you risk piling up a weeks worth of dingleberries (musk-nuggets) and in rare occasions, creation of shit dreadlocks to where the ca-ca firmly laminates itself to the ass hair and it twists together as you walk. This is more likely to happen to those who wear boxers because of the free "airflow" and those who dont shower often because you give the poop time to dry up like cement.

Tip 3: Jump into a public pool or spa. This is just as effective as a shower or even better because you get maximum "soakage" and it requires less work such and combats lazy reach arounds in the shower. Believe it or not, that is the only useful purpose for public pools, I think of them as gigantic bathtubs that goggle up loose ass hairs, dingleberries and makes a great place to take a quick pee. If I find myself in that situation, I just jump in the pool on one end, pee then swim to the other end, do a couple quick 360's under water then jump out the shallow side and dry off.

Tip 4: Go to the beach and be a good samaritan, jump into the ocean and "feed the fish", fish LOVE dung, I have 2 goldfish and they are always sucking eachothers doo-doo holes. Get a nice, salty ass treatment. For those of you who gets bumps after shaving your pubes or ass, this is a great to dry those up. Just simply go out past the waves a bit, however, dont be too obvious if you are going to release some bait into the ocean. Flop around a bit, move around because if you sit still people will become suspicious and besides the poop might float up to the surface quickly. Fish will love you for it!

Tip 5: Woman love to get manicures and pedicures, I call this the "assicure" It has a meaningful name Ass I Cure, it's self explanitory..yes, it is up to you to cure that hideous ass smell and here is how you do it in the shower. Pamper yourself, get the water luke warm and try to get the shower nozzle to propel the water quickly. Begin by turning in the opposite direction of the shower, about 180 degrees to where the nozzle in shooting directly down your ass crack. Position yourself at a 90 degree angle, butt up nice and high, reach around and spread your butt cheeks and let the water do its magic. The object is to really clean out the crevices of your brown eye, wedged up about a 1/4 inch of the butthole is some fecal matter that masks itself like a bat in a cave. This will allow the water to loosen it up for the wash cloth lathering. The next step is to lather your wash cloth with some bodywash or soap bar. Reach around and scrub it good, go ahead and wrap the towel around a finger of choice (i use my middle finger) and put that finger up your asshole and move it around in a circular motion. Go ahead and scrub nice and good up the butt crack to make sure you get all the grease. After you are done, rinse well then repeat step 1.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: Putting your finger in your ass doesnt make you gay, it might burn a bit. For those guys who insist on having anal sex with their girlfriends all the time, if you think one finger hurts, go ahead and use two fingers and see how it feels. It feels like a massive shit you take in the morning after a night of drinking and eating the 4 slices of jalepeno pepper pizza.

Dear Blog,

 

Allow me to introduce myself…My names Trai La and I hope we have a long lasting relationship. Seeing that I'm in New York and not in Hollywood I'm kinda hoping its more then 4 months (Poor Pam and Kid).

 

It's hard to believe it's almost Christmas…Just this past weekend I flew out to Tacoma Washington to perform at the Hag-a-Ho fundraiser, a benefit for Three Cedars AIDS Hospice….which was a wonderful success.

 

I stayed at the "lovely" Day's Inn, just off I-5, right next to a Hooters and an Adult Video store. If you've never been please stop by…just bring your towels. Now I'm a big girl and I know that a standard towel is not always going to wrap around my ever changing waistline. But when a washcloth is almost the same size as the towel… then I think we have a slight problem. And let's not even talk about thread count…I was able to read an article, about Jennifer Hudson in the Friday sections of USA Today, right through the towel.

 

My new friends Chris, CeeCee, and I drove into Seattle to stop by one of my favorite haunts, The Cuff Complex.  Ohhh, what Fab time we had. Drinking, playing darts, grouping strange men and laughing. As the bewitching hour approached I had to swing by Dick's Burger, on Broadway in Capital Hill, to pick-up a Dick's Deluxe. Dick's (God I love that name) happens to have one the best burgers around. So good in fact I had two.

 

Now I'm back home and getting ready for the Holiday's. Guess I'll check back with you later.

 

Goodnight Sweet Blog and Big Sparkly Kisses,

 

Trai