Tickets for this memorable show cost £8 on the night, or £7 in advance. To reserve tickets call 07870 212189 or buy in advance and receive total peace of mind by visiting: www.paulfoot.tv/tickets.html

Hosted By: Paul Foot
When: 13 Nov 2008, 20:00
Where Bar FM
184 hopgood Street, Shepherds Bush
London, London and South East|66 W127JU
United Kingdom
Description:
Paul Foot

Click Here To View Event

Great news, Mr. Foot's Comedy For Connoisseurs shows are back!

For all details, go to

www.paulfoot.tv

and check the gig diary!


Yours Truly,

Keith Penguin

LOCATION: CENTRAL LONDON

TO OBTAIN A TICKET YOU MUST ATTEND A PAUL FOOT SHOW
AND THEN APPROACH HIM AFTERWARDS FOR A TICKET!!!

1 HOUR OF SPECIAL COMEDY THAT CAN BE SEEN AT NO OTHER SHOW!!!

4th December 2007

This Christmas, spare a thought for someone worse off than you: the Labour Party. Why not make a donation? Benefits include:shooting.

1.
Avoid any embarrassment about giving money to a hopeless load of twits, by channeling the dosh through shady intermediaries, guaranteeing you complete anonymity (until the story breaks).

2.
Liven up the dull, lonely winter months with regular visits from the police. Later, save money on rent, by enjoying a spell in gaol.

3.
All monies will later be returned to you, following media reports and questions in the House.

So, please give now. Without your generosity, Crime Minister Gordon Clown might not be able to continue in office and entertain us all with his government's daily mishaps.

The Labour Party - because laughter's the best medicine.

This week, my usual article is given over to an advertisement from HM
Revenue and Customs (lax).

Strapped for cash? Got a child? Then register for child benefit.
Simply hand over your banking details to your local benefit (fraud) office to
receive the money.

Please do not read the following small print, if you value your
health:

1. You understand that your personal details will be held on a secure
government computer and will not be read by junior civil servants, as
they'll be using the computer mainly for Facebook and video games.

2. You warrant that, if the data is transferred, it will be placed in
a secure Jiffy bag, marked "Sensitive information relating to half the
UK population – do not steal." Also, valuable taxpayers' money will be
saved by not sending the package by registered post.

3. You agree to your personal details and those of your children being
shared with other government departments; as well as Kevin the dodgy
courier, Thelma Thief and Paddy Pervert.

4. If your details should go missing, you will help the Government
look for the disc down the back of the sofa, in lay-bys and amongst your
associates in the criminal underworld.

__________________________________________________________________________

Naomi Corrin, General Manageress of the Guild of Paul Foot
Connoisseurs says:

As you may already be aware by now, Paul will be hosting 2 Christmas
parties in London this year to satisfy the high number of connoisseurs
wishing to participate. Details for both evenings are on his website
(www.paulfoot.tv). for more information and to book.

Tickets are limited to 32 lucky connoisseurs per evening so book now!
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________

Paul Foot is performing this Saturday the 24th of November at The 99
Club Early and Late shows, at The Wheatsheaf pub near Tottenham Court
Road Station. The shows start at 7.00pm and 9.30pm respectively, and
Connoisseurs may enter either of the shows for £5.
Full details and venue address are on his website (www.paulfoot.tv).

 

My dear Connoisseurs,

Sir Ian Blair is to remain as Britain's top policeman, despite losing a vote of confidence by the LGA (Loaded Guns Authority), and the Met being criminally convicted of endangering the public on the day of the Stockwell shooting.

Commissioner (of guns) Blair said there was no need for him to resign, as the investigation had not uncovered 'systemic' failure, i.e. The Metropolitan Police do not make a complete hash of things and shoot an innocent man dead every day. He added that rather than focusing on the word no in 'no confidence', it was better to focus on the word confidence.

PC (Political Correctness) Blair believes his greatest achievement so far is increasing diversity: "We should ensure that criminals reflect our diverse society. I want more women committing crime and criminals from every ethnic background. The victims should also reflect modern Britain. Man or woman, black or white, gay or straight - everyone deserves to be a victim of crime; which shouldn't be too difficult, as there are plenty of crimes going on - even disregarding those we police commit ourselves."

It has been revealed that the police boost crime solution figures by concentrating on minor, easily-solved misdemeanours, such as playground bullying. "That is why I am so pleased by the recent reports of my coppers fiddling their expenses, and with our conviction for endangering the public when we shot dead that foreign bloke who looked a bit shifty," wittered Defective Inspector Blair. "We know exactly who committed the crimes (us) and so they can go straight down in the book as more crimes successfully solved."

Ian the Terrible will receive a massive pension upon retiring - paid for by taxpayers. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 

Naomi Corrin, General Manageress of the Guild of Connoisseurs, says:

If you haven't already, come and be Paul's friend on Facebook. And if you also join his Facebook Group (Guild of Paul Foot Connoisseurs), you will be able to get involved in discussions, electronically meet other connoisseurs and leave comments on his photos and musings which are updated daily. The current debate in the group is: which games would you like to play at Paul's Christmas parties (more on these in a minute).

The photo blog on the website (paulfoot.tv) has returned and will be updated daily. On his homepage, Paul's status is kept up to date, with any changes in his meanderings. You will be kept informed of his activities and even recipes he's devised. ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________

Paul will host 2 Christmas parties in London this year to satisfy the high number of connoisseurs wishing to participate. Details for both evenings are the same (except the dates!)

~ Wednesday 19th December ~

&

~ Friday 21st December ~

Wheatsheaf Inn

London

Tube: Tottenham Court Road

There will be quizzes, games and surprises. Entry price includes the services of your host, Santa Foot, as well as fine nibbles and much more.

Tickets are £14.70 and are limited to 32 lucky connoisseurs per evening so book now!

For all details and to book please visit the SEE ME PAGE on Paul's website. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

Paul Foot is also performing this Saturday the 17th of November at The 99 Club Early and Late shows, at The Wheatsheaf pub near Tottenham Court Road Station. The shows start at 7.00pm and 9.30pm respectively, and Connoisseurs may enter either of the shows for £5. Full details and venue address go to his website www.paulfoot.tv.

My dear Connoisseur

I shall be appearing in your living rooms and bedrooms on Saturday the 6th of October, as I shall be performing on the new series of BBC Radio 2's award-winning show 'Out To Lunch'. Each week you can hear me presenting a brand-new report on subjects such as Flying and Computers. The show transmits at 1pm to 2pm for the next six Saturday lunchtimes, on 88 – 91 FM in the UK, DAB channel 12B, Freeview channel 702 and worldwide online here. If you miss the first episode this Saturday, you can catch it online for the next seven days.

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I am excited to inform you that I shall be performing at the prestigious Soho Theatre on Friday October 26th and Saturday October 27th at 9.30pm. I shall be performing a full-length show, entitled 'Comedy for Connoisseurs' which will contain the best bits of my humour over the past year. It will also contain some new, never-before-seen laughter-inducing nuggets. For more info and to purchase tickets (cheaper in advance) click here.

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I shall be performing at The 99 Club Oxford Circus on Saturday the 6th of October at The Wheatsheaf Inn, 25 Rathbone Place. The show starts at 9.30pm and Connoisseurs may enter for £5. More information can be found here.

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Also on Saturday the 6th of October I shall be performing at Dr Dimaglio's Secrets. This wonderful, surreal night at which I appear every month, takes place at the St Aloysius Social Club, near Euston Station. Doors open at 7pm and it costs £9/6 to enter. More information can be found here.

There will be an extra-special Dr Dimaglio's Secrets show at the Bloomsbury Theatre on Saturday the 20th of October, at which I shall be appearing. Doors open at 7.30pm and it costs £15/12. More information can be found here.

from Mr Paul Foot, Life President, the Guild of Connoisseurs

My dear Connoisseur

This week's article is a bit different to usual. It is a commentary on this news story. I have not had to make anything up. The facts speak for themselves.

Two Police Community Support Officers in Wigan have been hailed as heroes (by job's worths), after it emerged at an inquest that they stood about at the edge of a pond in Wigan, while a ten-year-old boy drowned. Instead of following their human instincts to attempt a rescue, they bravely kept to their training, which teaches them not to go into water or do anything that involves risk. Senior officers for the Greater Manchester constabulary said that the two idiots had acted "correctly". A proper policeman, called Sergeant Craig Lippitt, who arrived later and jumped into the water in an unsuccessful rescue attempt, acted against instructions, police sources have confirmed; although, apparently, he will not actually be disciplined for trying to save someone. How remiss of Sergeant Lippitt's superiors!

At least pen-pushers in the fire brigade are doing their jobs properly. In March, Tam Brown, a fireman, saved a woman in the River Tay. He was later informed he could face disciplinary action. That is because the fire brigade are not supposed to attempt water rescues, as they're not trained for it and consequently they could get sued (not by the person being saved, of course, but by the Health and Safety Executive!) Quite right, too. By risking his life to save that woman, Firefighter Brown showed a flagrant disregard for the rules, risk assessment forms and training manuals. We can't have brave folk like that in the emergency services, putting aside their job descriptions and acting as compassionate human beings!

Thank goodness for those two don't-have-a-go hero Police Community Scum Officers, with their regard for paperwork, passing the buck and letting others think for them.

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I am excited to inform you that I shall be performing at the prestigious Soho Theatre on Friday October 26th and Saturday October 27th at 9.30pm. I shall be performing a full-length show, entitled 'Comedy for Connoisseurs' which will contain the best bits of my humour over the past year. It will also contain some new, never-before-seen laughter-inducing nuggets. For more info and to purchase tickets (cheaper in advance) click here.

from Mr Paul Foot, Life President, the Guild of Connoisseurs

Picture the scene: A lonely, yet good-hearted female Bactrian camel falls in love with a muscular Dromedary man camel. She woos the object of her affection by spitting at him (considered very sensuous in camel society), displaying her humps and performing poses from the Camel Sutra. The single-humped gentleman does not agree with relationships between Dromedary and Bactrian camels. He kicks sand into her eyes and fires a laser gun into her spleen area. Many years later, he receives divine retribution for this callous act, when he falls off a rampart whilst visiting a National Trust site near Birmingham. He is injured and suffers from water retention for the rest of his bitter life.

This poignant story is one of a number of tales that I may portray, through the medium of mime, in my forthcoming show at the Edinburgh Festival. Obviously, I shall talk throughout the mime to let the audience know what's going on (I will play the role of both camels, as well as the rampart).

If you are able to attend the Edinburgh Fringe Festival during the month of Augustus, I hope you will see my show. It is entitled, Comedy for Connoisseurs, and will also include live musings. The show is at the Underbelly venue, from the 2nd to 26th (not 14th) August. For more information and to book tickets, click here.

If you are not going to Edinburgh (for example, if you live far away), then I would advise that you recreate one of my mimes inside a shoe box, with a model of me (made from pipe cleaners and a cut-out photo of my face) and a torch to mimic the bright lights that I shall have to endure on stage in Scotland.