Yes, it was Tony Hart that gave Dr. Nostrum's his first break in the entertainment business, in his very first solo series too, also occasioning (now there's a word that always looks wrong) the purchase of a Video Tape machine, by Ma and Pa Nostrum, to record the young Dr.'s breakthrough moment. We were the first house on the street to have such a machine and none of the neighbours were invited round to see it, seeing as we were a somewhat anti-social family.

Anyhow, the familiar strains of 'Marguerite' began and after several dull but worthy pictures passed us by, there was young Dr. Nostrum (aged 6) Art Work, peering at us through the magic of the television screen for at least 6 or 7 seconds. I would have worn the tape out watching it over and over again had the machine not broken within a month. In my memory the drawing was a beach scene, depicting some stick like figures floating precariously above their sun loungers in the late afternoon sun, but according to my mother it was a precocious work of great merit that would have stood the test of time had it not been chucked in the bin immediately after the show was filmed.

I had some history, you see, having had a piece exhibited at the Royal Academy aged 4, but I can't credit that with any furthering of my ambition as I don't remember it and my parents didn't keep the picture or any record of it ever actually happening. Readers of the blog may notice uncorroborated stories from my childhood here and there - the most odd being the place of my birth changing over the years, my mother never being easy to pin down, the only constant being the day.

I digress. Tony Hart, then, had given me my first taste of fame and my journey had begun. I remember him fondly (perhaps not as fondly as he looked like he might remember the many small boys he helped reach for the star) especially his white line paintings on huge brownfield sites, they linger like the Chalk Hill Drawings except in the sense that I can't remember a single one of them, just that he did them. In truth I preferred Wilf Lunn.

But Tony brought us Morph, in much the same way Tracey Ullman gave us The Simpsons, and made it through Mr. Bennett's complaints, then went on to Hart Beat which strangely became a cop show in later years.

So, goodbye Tony. I hope God has a white line painting machine for you to join up all the constellations for us in the heavens. I shall keep my eyes peeled.

HUTCHBACK

Maybe there isn’t that much of a distance between a really bad practical joke and murder. There isn’t you know, a really bad practical joke often could end in death. So, at what point do you stop being a practical joker and become a murderer?

DR. NOSTRUM

What, like the second world war?

HUTCHBACK

No, but, you know, like accidentally pushing someone off the edge of a cliff, sort of thing, as a practical joke. I mean, that’s an extreme version of pushing someone off something.

DR. NOSTRUM

So is it called a practical joke because you’ve done something?

HUTCHBACK

Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM

You’ve actually practically done something?

HUTCHBACK

No, no, no, no, no.

DR. NOSTRUM

You’ve pushed someone over.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah. It’s physical humour.

DR. NOSTRUM

Physical humour, so as opposed to a, um...

HUTCHBACK

As opposed to a verbal joke, that’s why it’s called a practical joke.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, no, I wasn’t thinking verbal joke, no, cos then the difference would be a physical joke and a verbal joke. No, I was thinking, as opposed to a, um, metaphorical joke.

HUTCHBACK

(more mocking) A metaphorical physical joke, where you do an action that is a metaphor for something funny. No, I don’t think so.

DR. NOSTRUM

I don’t think there is a metaphorical joke is there? Oh, no! A literal joke, that’s what I meant, the difference between literal and metaphorical as opposed to between practical.. so there’s a practical..

HUTCHBACK

There’s a practical and an impractical joke.

DR. NOSTRUM

Impractical joke, that’s it.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, an impractical joke, one that’s just slightly too burdensome to undertake.

DR. NOSTRUM

Hmm. Why are they called practical jokes?

HUTCHBACK

Cause they’re physical!

DR. NOSTRUM

So why aren’t they called physical jokes?

HUTCHBACK

I don’t know! I’m not a linguist.

DR. NOSTRUM

Practical Jokes. They always seemed a bit of a leap. I never, I mean, as far as I know, I never played one.

HUTCHBACK

You’ve never played a practical joke?

DR. NOSTRUM

No, I don’t think so.

HUTCHBACK

You’ve never put a bucket of water.. a bucket full of nails...

DR. NOSTRUM

...over...

HUTCHBACK

See, that’s it: bucket full of water; practical joke, bucket full of razor blades; murder.

DR. NOSTRUM

Hmm.

HUTCHBACK

So, it would be quite good to find out at what point it becomes murder, in the eyes of the law. See.

DR. NOSTRUM

Ah, as opposed to manslaughter?

HUTCHBACK

Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but they’re doing that now, they’re putting a category between murder and manslaughter – practical...

HUTCHBACK

Practical joke. Practical Joke Murder.

DR. NOSTRUM

...because murder was too far away from manslaughter.

HUTCHBACK

Right. But that’s not bad, working out the exact point at which a practical joke..

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but they’re doing that, they’re doing that.

HUTCHBACK

What do you mean they’re doing that?!

DR. NOSTRUM

It’s part of the Law Commission Review at the moment..

HUTCHBACK

For Practical Jokes?

DR. NOSTRUM

No! Not practical jokes, but the idea that there’s a big gap between murder and manslaughter.

HUTCHBACK

Oh, yeah, that, but it’s nothing to do with practical jokes.

DR. NOSTRUM

But that must come into it.

HUTCHBACK

That probably does come into it.

DR. NOSTRUM

If your defense is that it was a practical joke that went wrong..

HUTCHBACK

No, no, no, cause manslaughter, you can be done for manslaughter for stabbing someone, that’s clearly not a joke.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, but you didn’t mean to kill them. Manslaughter is anything where you didn’t mean to kill them, right?

HUTCHBACK

Yes...

DR. NOSTRUM

I don’t know, we need our advisor.

HUTCHBACK

...but what I’m saying is that if you can be done for manslaughter for
stabbing someone there is no practical joke you can ever think of that would end up with a murder conviction because the intention of stabbing someone is much greater than the intention of leaving a sword poking up out of a staircase...

DR. NOSTRUM

I don’t think...

HUTCHBACK

There’s no way anybody would get done for murder for that.

DR. NOSTRUM

...not that our legal advisor...

HUTCHBACK

They wouldn’t get done for anything.

DR. NOSTRUM

...not that our legal advisor is here, but I have a feeling that stabbing someone and not meaning to kill them isn’t manslaughter..

HUTCHBACK

It is manslaughter.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, no, it’s attempted murder.

HUTCHBACK

No, it’s manslaughter. Because if they die, the often get done for manslaughter.

DR. NOSTRUM

Really?

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

Oh.

HUTCHBACK
Like that guy..

DR. NOSTRUM

So there’s no point in trying to figure out where practical jokes become murder cause they never will.

HUTCHBACK

That’s true. (thinks) No, no, pushing someone off a cliff is murder.

DR. NOSTRUM

But what’s the difference between that and stabbing them?

HUTCHBACK

No, because...

DR. NOSTRUM

(gets it) Oh! Because you know it’s going to kill them

HUTCHBACK

...because you know that if you push someone off a cliff it’ll kill
them.

DR. NOSTRUM

But only at some deep level, so, maybe there is a point, there is somewhere between the cliff and the bucket of nails?

HUTCHBACK

It’s how high.

DR. NOSTRUM

How high the cliff is.

HUTCHBACK

You can actually measure it on how high the cliff is; at what point you know the drop will be enough to probably kill them. See, that’s it. That’s exactly how you work out the difference between a practical joke and..

DR. NOSTRUM

That would be some court case.

HUTCHBACK

It’s the height of a cliff.

DR. NOSTRUM

Ok.

HUTCHBACK

It’ll be the height of the cliff. I’m pleased with that.

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s one. What else is there?

HUTCHBACK

One what?

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s one..

HUTCHBACK

..Prediction for 2009!

DR. NOSTRUM

Practical Jokes will appear as a new category of Homicide under the Law commission review.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

There you go.

HUTCHBACK

And murders will be rated in cliff height.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, no, it’s not that. It’s the height of the cliff defense.

HUTCHBACK

Ok, so also, the other one will be the, er, the weight of the big black weight thing that you balance on the door. Up to 5 kilos and over 5 kilos it’s murder.

DR. NOSTRUM

So then it becomes ‘The Practical Joke Defense’?

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

“My client didn’t know...

HUTCHBACK

...that the weight would kill him.” Yeah. It was just done as a joke...

DR. NOSTRUM

“...he’d seen on television a one ton weight falling..

HUTCHBACK

That’s it, “He’d been watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon earlier in the week...”

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, “...where Tom survived several..

HUTCHBACK

“...and seen Tom survived several one ton weights being dropped on him.”

DR. NOSTRUM

“And didn’t realise the one ton weight was hollow.”

HUTCHBACK

Huh?

DR. NOSTRUM

Didn’t realise the one ton weight was hollow.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, “didn’t realise it was a drawing.”

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, yeah, but even the real life ones.

HUTCHBACK

They did a real life Tom and Jerry?

DR. NOSTRUM

No! You know those sketch shows where they drop a huge one ton.. you know, the old Monty Python’s.

HUTCHBACK

Oh, Yeah. “He was watching Monty Python and didn’t realise the giant foot...

DR. NOSTRUM

No, not the cartoon, the real one!

HUTCHBACK

Yeah alright. No, they must’ve had one where they had a real giant foot falling on them, didn’t they?

DR. NOSTRUM

No, I don’t think so, feet were too difficult.

HUTCHBACK

The feet were too difficult back then, back in those days.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah. Well, there’s one prediction.

HUTCHBACK

One prediction for 2009.

DR. NOSTRUM

It’s very unfortunate, you know, twice I’ve been down here to do this and they're probably the only two times in recent history that M’s been annoyed at me. But, oh boy, just, how not to be a cunt?

HUTCHBACK

Lessons in not being a cunt. You can follow this every week as DR. NOSTRUM tries to be less of a cunt.

DR. NOSTRUM

I’ll achieve it.

HUTCHBACK

Follow his progress...

DR. NOSTRUM

Towards sainthood. Cos that really is the apotheosis of not being a cunt.

HUTCHBACK

Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM

It’s sainthood.

HUTCHBACK

Although, according to the bible, that probably isn’t the biblical definition.

DR. NOSTRUM

What? How Jesus was described?

HUTCHBACK

He was the least cunt-like out there.

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s right.

HUTCHBACK

That’s why he was the son of god.

DR. NOSTRUM

Sure. Cos the Son of God...

HUTCHBACK

Shouldn’t be a cunt.

DR. NOSTRUM

No.

HUTCHBACK

Or, rarely. Very rarely should he be a cunt.

DR. NOSTRUM

Did he have just one son?

HUTCHBACK

Did he have j..! No, cos there was that Holy Ghost bloke, wasn’t there? Wasn’t he like a half son?

DR. NOSTRUM

I think ‘only children’ are not great. I think you should always have more than one child, if you’ve got the choice. God, if God had had the choice he’d have probably had more than one son.

HUTCHBACK

If only God existed, then everything would be alright.

DR. NOSTRUM

So, God was a single parent family.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

So actually, that should be enshrined in the bible. Don’t you think that it should be enshrined in the Bible above marriage, if we are to live in the image of God that He was a single parent family?

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

And in fact it was the Father that got custody

HUTCHBACK

(reading off the ceefax window on the TV – june 2008 remember - there’s a game show going on) Bank states that credit fears are overstated. (he turns the TV back to the show with the sound off - a game show is on)

DR. NOSTRUM

What is this, ‘Children against an Indian’?

HUTCHBACK

I have no idea

DR. NOSTRUM

Ah, no, no, it's “Are you smarter than an immigrant?’ could be a BNP programme.

HUTCHBACK

And on that note

DR. NOSTRUM

Good night.

DR. NOSTRUM

So, your idea for a Dragon’s Den business is good, you know, murdering.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

I like it, he comes in with someone and he murders them, you know, he kills them, the panel say “Well, it’s very efficient, it’s quite good.” And he says “Well, I can do a lot of it.”

HUTCHBACK

Yeah “But what kind of annual turnover do you think you can get out of that?” “Well, I reckon I could charge 10 grand...”

DR. NOSTRUM

Mm

HUTCHBACK

“...10 grand’s a reasonable amount for a murder, depending on the, you know, er, the difficulty, maybe up to 30. I reckon I could do one a night, maybe two a night.”

DR. NOSTRUM

I like your two-fer, you know, 9 and you get the 10th one free.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, and then, “Yeah, we have a loyalty scheme. If someone has had me murder 9 people, you get the 10th one free.”

DR. NOSTRUM

Or if you do a family?

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, “If you do a big family, we’ll...

DR. NOSTRUM

..throw in the Grandma

HUTCHBACK

...throw in the children.” Yeah, “throw in the Grandma.”

DR. NOSTRUM

We’ve got, er...

HUTCHBACK

“Maybe witnesses?”

DR. NOSTRUM

There’s that thing, you know, having watched the programme, one of the things the really don’t like is when they ask them weel, what is the money for? You know, they ask them to break down the money and he says “Well, you know I’d want 30 grand out of that for me..” and they hate that and they’re “So you want me to pay you, just to pay you to live? I’m not putting any money into the business...”

HUTCHBACK

What about the marketing?

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah all that, “I hate that selfishness in people, you want to take my money, my children’s money...” That fucking Theo Paphites, yeah, I’m sure he’s giving his children money every saying “This is your money that I’m not giving to people on Dragon’s Den.”

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, they’re saying “So you’re not putting any money into your equipment, you know, you’re starting off with a knife. How much volume can you get with that? Surely you want to be expanding your operation, going into machine guns...”

DR. NOSTRUM

Taking on apprentices.

HUTCHBACK

...yeah, “taking on staff...”

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, for the British market, those business ideas are good...

HUTCHBACK

“How are you going to franchise it? You need to franchise it out” We want to be able to get the hat, the bag...

DR. NOSTRUM

You know, the person that’s pitching, you’d pixilated their face. You’d do it properly. Re-animating dead people’s not a bad one.

HUTCHBACK

Hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM

It’s not a business idea though. Murdering’s a good business idea.

HUTCHBACK

It’s good.

DR. NOSTRUM

Assassins. It’s a business.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah. “But rather than just being a hired murderer, we’re intending to give a full service. 24 hour hotline...” you know all that.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah.

HUTCHBACK

“Money back guarantee, service with a smile.”

DR. NOSTRUM

Mm.

HUTCHBACK

I reckon that would be quite a good business.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, I think it is a good business. Probably, it is a good business.

HUTCHBACK

Sure.

DR. NOSTRUM

What other businesses are there like that? Whore house I s’pose?

HUTCHBACK

Prostitution, yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

Porn films?

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well bringing someone on and murdering them’s a good pitch. “I enjoyed your presentation.”

HUTCHBACK

“It was a very arresting presentation.”

DR. NOSTRUM

“We like you as a person.”

HUTCHBACK

Yeah. “I’d hire you, but I don’t think your projections are in any way realistic. How you think you can value your business at 2 million pounds is beyond me. Go away, do your sums, kill a few more people, get a bit better at it...”

DR. NOSTRUM

Some publicity.

HUTCHBACK

“...get your advertising right, then come back.” “You’re telling me people aren’t just going to go out and murder their own victims, see, that’s where it all falls apart.”

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, “Why should they come to you?”

HUTCHBACK

“Why should they come to you? Surely any murderous thug would go out and kill their own victim?”

DR. NOSTRUM

Mm. It is cheaper. But there are pitfalls. So, you know, that’s probably one of the advantages of the business, if you can point out how you keep the identity of the client completely anonymous...

HUTCHBACK

Mm

DR. NOSTRUM

“Oh, no, it works, because we don’t know the identity of the client.” That probably would be a good idea, in terms of murdering, if you don’t know who’s asking you to kill someone. Why don’t they do that in films? That’s where it always falls down, that the murderer knows who it is who’s hired them.

HUTCHBACK

No, that isn’t where it falls down. It falls down because usually the person being murdered has some connection with the person doing the murdering.

DR. NOSTRUM

But, what if you set up a business for just random murders?

HUTCHBACK

Random murders?! Just go out and murder someone just for fun? Just for fun? Yeah, that would work, but, a bit pointless really. It’s like, basically, “Are you a homicidal maniac? Yes? To scared to do your own murder, then come to us. We’ll do it for you. We’ll kill a random person...

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s right.

HUTCHBACK

...and it will never get back to you. We’ll just send you the video”.

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s probably a business.

HUTCHBACK

And that’s your business.

DR. NOSTRUM

See, that’s an advance on Assassination and it’s quite current.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

You present it as a vicarious pleasure business.

HUTCHBACK

Mm. Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM

I’m not sure about posting the video to someone. I think you’d probably want to leave it. No, but they’d want to know you did it.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

Otherwise you could just sit there with the money.

HUTCHBACK

No, you could just put it up on YouTube.

DR. NOSTRUM

YouTube? That’s alright.

HUTCHBACK

Perfect.

DR. NOSTRUM

And if you cut at the right moment, there’s nothing criminal about it.

HUTCHBACK

(witheringly) Except the person on the video then was found dead somewhere.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but that’s alright. Well, no, I suppose it’s not alright.

HUTCHBACK

(mimicking) “That’s alright, we can get around that.” No, well, what you do then, is get some other random person to put the video up on YouTube, via another random person. So you’re just paying someone to pay someone to put a video up on YouTube. And they don’t know what the video’s of.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but I remember Inspector Quantum saying that, apart from the most important thing in Homeland Security being the quality of the Airbed you’ve got, all that jealousy going on in Homeland Security about whether you’ve got a foot-pump or a compressor for you air bed..

HUTCHBACK

Well, it’s very important.

DR. NOSTRUM

It is very important, when you’re trying to keep peace in the world. It’s either terrifying or very reassuring to think that the people trying to kill us are the same as Inspector Quantum, I’m not sure which. Anyway, no, random murdering, he was saying that that is where it falls down, that mostly they know, people know the people they kill...

HUTCHBACK

Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM

...and it’s easier to catch them because of that. But if you don’t know who you’re hiring and you don’t know who they’re killing, that is not bad. That’s not a bad premise for a business.

HUTCHBACK

I think we’ve got a business there.

Dr. Nostrum was delighted to hear Mutya Buena (Sugarbabes) nominate Verne Troyer for eviction in UK Celebrity Big Brother because she feels uncomfortable around midgets. Despite her best efforts, cracks in her thus far peerless demeanor are beginning to show. Meanwhile, Tina Malone seems to be resembling a shaved Silverback more and more as the days pass, it was edifying to see her bite her toenails and a blessed relief that she wasn't naked at the time, I fear television sets across the country may have cracked.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, this is what I was thinking, the guy walks in to American Inventor – “Who Are You?” and, er, what did I call him, er, Burt Flahruum, it doesn’t matter, some schmuck...

HUTCHBACK

A schlemiel I think, he should be.

DR. NOSTRUM

And he’s carrying a bag of dog shit in one hand and, right...

HUTCHBACK

A bag of dog shit.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but this is the sketch, he’s carrying a bag of dog shit in one hand, he’s carrying  sort of longish tube, with a few wires on it and lights and things like that in the other hand...

HUTCHBACK

Mm

DR. NOSTRUM
...now, this is what I thought it would be. “Who are you and what’s your invention?” and the guy’s like, “Oh, well, it’s easier if I show you.” and he sort of clumsily balances the tube on one knee..

HUTCHBACK

No, I think you’ve got it wrong.

DR. NOSTRUM

What, what bit?

HUTCHBACK

No, no, re-start that. No, he just comes in with the machine...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah

HUTCHBACK

...ok, he comes in with the machine..

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but the way the show works..

HUTCHBACK

No. Wait, wait! This is better, (pause) he comes in with the machine... (the DR knows where HUTCHBACK is going)

DR. NOSTRUM

He takes a shit. Yeah, I’m there, I got there ahead of you, but I thought, there was another way round that, but ok, if you could put that on as a sketch; he drops his trousers and he takes a shit, after he’s introduced.. But, I actually feel..

HUTCHBACK

In fact, it’s better if he doesn’t come in with the machine at first, he gets..

DR. NOSTRUM

Maybe he just puts it somewhere?

HUTCHBACK

No, no, he just comes in, and then..

DR. NOSTRUM

“Who are you?”

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, “Who are you?” “I’ve got this invention.”

DR. NOSTRUM

He drops his trousers..

HUTCHBACK

He drops his.. no, he puts a piece of paper on the floor...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah.

HUTCHBACK

Drops his trousers and does a shit on the paper. And they’re just sitting there dumbfounded...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah.

HUTCHBACK

And he’s “oh, sorry, sorry, forgot..” and he goes out and brings in this machine...

DR. NOSTRUM

Ok

HUTCHBACK

So, “Oh, I can understand that might look a bit strange.” And he gets up, gets the machine and brings it in and then he says, “Now, watch this.” and he pours the shit in.. he picks up the piece of paper..

DR. NOSTRUM

He makes a U out of the thing, carefully, balancing the machine on his leg...

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

...carefully makes a U out of the piece of paper, pours the shit in, then you have a cut, flashing lights on the tube and then out drops a...

TOGETHER

...bar of gold...

DR. NOSTRUM

...right, so that was the thing...

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

...that was the sketch. Now, now I sat.. No, no, no..

HUTCHBACK

And that’s comedy!

DR. NOSTRUM

No, that wasn’t the end...

HUTCHBACK

No.

DR. NOSTRUM

...that’s not the end of the sketch.

HUTCHBACK

No, that’s not the end.

DR. NOSTRUM

I’d sanitised it by saying, you know, he’s holding a dog shit, or, “My dog’s outside, it did this earlier.” So you can sanitise it for BBC or whatever.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

Or any actor that doesn’t want to take a shit on the floor, but, um, admittedly you may, you know...

HUTCHBACK

There aren’t that..

DR. NOSTRUM

...to audition that you’d have to go for...

HUTCHBACK

Well, you know, you just say...

DR. NOSTRUM

...coprophiliacs, er, porn..

HUTCHBACK

...eat a big lunch and don’t go to the toilet before the audition.

DR. NOSTRUM

I suppose you could just cut.. you could cut. But anyway, I just thought..

HUTCHBACK

You do it with special effects, you can do anything with special effects...

DR. NOSTRUM

Anyway, so...

HUTCHBACK

If you can animate Godzilla, they can make a shit come out of someone’s arse.

DR. NOSTRUM

Anyway, he slides the shit into the tube, flashing lights, and out drops a bar of gold and I thought the thing, I don’t know how you’d do this but thing.. you know the panel of four in American Inventor they’ve got, um, Stan Croce, Peter Jones, er, currently they’ve got, er...

HUTCHBACK

And Simon Cowell.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, he’s not, no, no, no...

HUTCHBACK

Oh alright, but you could have him.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, no, they’ve got a good guy anyway – George Foreman..

HUTCHBACK

George Fore..? George Formby?

DR. NOSTRUM

...Foreman and, oh, er, some woman, right?

HUTCHBACK

Some woman! Some plump bird, some twonk!

DR. NOSTRUM

Right?

HUTCHBACK

Some Bird!

HUTCHBACK

But, basically, Peter Jones, so he’s leaning in; “That’s very interesting. So,” um, er, “what do you plan to do with it?” No, cause this is, I thought the quiz is, I thought they quiz him about the prospects, you know, and what his financial projections are and things like this, and he’s.. and the guy who invented it is, “Well, I dunno.” You know, “I dunno, I just.. I don’t know what to do with it, I just thought it was a good idea.” And then, Tim Croce, er, what’s his name, Stan Croce says, um, I think it’s Tim Croce..

HUTCHBACK

(with American Inventor accent) “I can’t see the point of that.”

DR. NOSTRUM

No, you see.. well, that, but; “It’s ridiculous, cause if you turn shit into gold, you instantly de-value gold to the level of shit so no-one will be interested in it.” But George Foreman; “Well, I disagree. Americans love gold, it’s shiny,” and this sort of thing “and I think it’ll be a great success!” And then the guy says, “Well, I suppose I could tweak it to make diamonds.” And Croce says, “Well, it’s the same principle. Whatever you turn shit into is instantly only as valuable as shit so there’s no prospects for the machine” (pause) So they pass on it.

HUTCHBACK

Ah, but if you could turn shit into petrol, well, that’s fantastic.

DR. NOSTRUM

Ok, well, if you can do that. Maybe they can give him development money.

HUTCHBACK

That’s not bad, that’s actually a good invention I’ve just come up with there.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well I think someone’s doing that aren’t they? Don’t they do that anyway?

HUTCHBACK

No, I don’t think so.

DR. NOSTRUM

But anyway..

HUTCHBACK

I’ve just invented something! I’ve got to get on that American Inventor! I should get on that show, turning shit into petrol.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well that is.. like that guy.. cos really, really, all you need to do, you go there with a drawing. I mean I couldn’t believe that, it’s so patronizing to everybody – some guy, just cos he’s deaf, he can come in with a drawing of something that doesn’t exist and they say “That’s Fantastic!” “What a great idea that is!”..

HUTCHBACK

And what was it?

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, it was a thing that when people would talk an LED matrix would show what they were saying, but he didn’t invent anything, he just came up with the idea and he drew it and the only descriptive thing on the drawing was an arrow pointed to the machine saying “Comfortable handles for holding” that was the only information that was in any way technical on this board, you know, that was his invention. So you know, and he had tears in his eyes and they thought, “oh, this is a wonderful idea.” and you know..

HUTCHBACK

Did they give him the money?

DR. NOSTRUM

And that’s what made me think, you know, you could go on there with any idea...

HUTCHBACK

Shit into gold.

DR. NOSTRUM

...you just draw it on a piece of paper. Shit into gold. It’s good, it’s funnier than shit into petrol. Shit into petrol is useful, but shit into gold is funny.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s the lesson of comedy.

HUTCHBACK

No, but I’m not saying this for the comedy, I’m gonna go and bloody..

DR. NOSTRUM

Work on it.

HUTCHBACK

Tell them. Yeah I’m gonna work on it..

DR. NOSTRUM

You’ve got to save all your shit.

HUTCHBACK

I’m gonna profit fr.. I’m gonna work on it.

DR. NOSTRUM

You’ll tell Mrs. Hutchback “Sweetheart, I want you to shit in this bucket.

HUTCHBACK

Shit in a cup and save it.

DR. NOSTRUM

Meanwhile.

HUTCHBACK

Can you imagine the development process for that? It’d be very, kind of, tiring and very unpleasant.

DR. NOSTRUM

The next inventor comes, a frumpy ginger haired woman comes in with a..

HUTCHBACK

How about a guy who turns gold into shit? That’d be just as incredible, but not as good.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, at least you could use it for something, horse manure. You could use it for growing plants or something. But, um, woman comes in, small box with a big red button on it, stands there, pushes the button – disappears. Rematerializes behind them and they’re like ‘Oh, this is your invention?” “Yes”. She’s invented teleportation, she’s got no prospects, no idea how to use it – pass on it. Someone comes in, he feeds rubbish into a chute, lightbulb comes on – free energy, but in fact he’s surpassed that, because if there’s no connection between the supply and the bulb, that’s the best you can do..

HUTCHBACK

Oh, well (grumbles discontentment at this premise)

DR. NOSTRUM

..so someone’s invented that, they do that – not interested. Then, you know, 50 year old teacher, he’s spent 20 years in a cupboard working on a lint roller that picks up cat hair from velvet, and that’s the one they go for.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

I was thinking, in good taste actually, that bloke in Austria who, er, imprisoned his daughter and had kids by her, er, that there must be a lot of people out there with their children imprisoned who they’ve had kids with, they’re sitting in fear. Cause you know, with the Austrians saying, “This can never happen again!” they’re thinking, you know, “Blimey, they’re starting to catch us.”

HUTCHBACK

Yup.

DR. NOSTRUM

Can you imagine the internal panic of the people out there who are doing this, knowing one of their brethren got caught. Who else would it actually bother? I don’t think it’ll bother anyone else that he got caught.

HUTCHBACK

Yes. But, unfortunately the police weren’t really on the case.

DR. NOSTRUM

I don’t see how they could have been on the case though.

HUTCHBACK

No, unfortunately they weren’t on the case. The fact that they, um, neglected to, um..

DR. NOSTRUM
(he’s forgotten to honour HUTCHBACK’s rule to remove all shoes in the cellar) Do you have to take your shoes off if you sit still?

HUTCHBACK

Yes. They.. the fact that they neglected to do any kind of surveillance on the ‘Dungeon Children Support Group’ that he ran...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah.

HUTCHBACK

...you know, like a social club...

DR. NOSTRUM

Social experiment.

HUTCHBACK

...Social club for people who like imprisoning their children...

DR. NOSTRUM

See, I imagine there is a network.

HUTCHBACK

...and then meet up every, er, couple of months...

DR. NOSTRUM

And have a wife swap parties.

HUTCHBACK

...and swap children; children swapping parties. You know, here’s the keys to my dungeon, you give me the keys to.. Yeah, just basically you have a bowl and, um, you pick the keys out of the bowl and that’s the cellar you go to that night. They probably have them.

(long pause)

DR. NOSTRUM

Odd thing to do...

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

...in some ways, you know, really. I was thinking that maybe what it was, was that the guy just couldn’t, er, kill them, so he had to keep them alive...

DR. NOSTRUM

He couldn’t bring himself to kill them...

DR. NOSTRUM

No. that’s what I was thinking.

HUTCHBACK

...cause he was..

DR. NOSTRUM

Too kind.

HUTCHBACK

He was too kind. Too nice. He was just that little bit too nice.

DR. NOSTRUM

He couldn’t go the whole hog. Cause M said to me that she couldn’t think of anything worse, but, of course it could have been a lot worse, (pause for thought) you know, it can always be worse. That’s the lesson, it can always be worse.

HUTCHBACK

Everything. Anything. No matter how bad something is, there’s always something worse.

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s right.

HUTCHBACK

What’s the worst..

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, you get a lot of time for contemplation, er, in those circumstances, I suppose, the girl.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah. You know, you’re living with, basically, er, a group of incest born half-wits..

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, we don’t know that, they might be very smart.

HUTCHBACK

No, but probably...

DR. NOSTRUM

Troglodytes.

HUTCHBACK

Troglodytes, who can’t speak, who are your children, you know. (the DOCTOR chuckles) You know, it’s kind of (pause) Anthropology. It’s like living Anthropology.

DR. NOSTRUM

Actually, the picture of the guy, he does look evil. He had killers eyes...

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

...like the Pope, er, except he wasn’t a killer so there’s a lie there, somewhere.

HUTCHBACK

He had Dungeon Master’s Eyes.

DR. NOSTRUM

Dungeon Master’s Eyes. He had a good head of hair though

HUTCHBACK

He had a fine moustache...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah

HUTCHBACK

...and a good head of hair. In fact, his daughter might have fancied him in different circumstances, you never know.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, if he was a younger man, (pause) well, he was once.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, when she was a younger girl.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, but tastes change.

HUTCHBACK

Well, when you get to a certain age a good head of hair...

DR. NOSTRUM

Important. No, but I thought...

HUTCHBACK

...it’s quite a plus point.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but the thing is, he just ran out of steam, the guy. If he’d have just persisted for another 10 years, he’d have been dead and no-one would have known.

HUTCHBACK

They'd have all...

DR. NOSTRUM

Rotted...

HUTCHBACK

...starved to death.

DR. NOSTRUM

...starved to death and no-one would have known, ever, until they dug it up, like that school in Jersey. Oh, no, lots of people knew about that.

HUTCHBACK

They all just kept it quiet. Yeah, well, ok, there you go.

DR. NOSTRUM

So, there we go.

HUTCHBACK

Life’s a big shit sandwich, sprinkled with urine.

DR. NOSTRUM

Not pleasant really; comedy out of misery, but...

HUTCHBACK

No, but all comedy comes from misery.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, and do you think the more miserable it is, the funnier it is?

HUTCHBACK

No. In our case, no.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, whose case would it be yes?

HUTCHBACK

Well, let’s say...

DR. NOSTRUM

If you were a Nazi party comedian making great humor out of when you pulled out the teeth of your former friends...

DAY 3 – June 2008

DR. NOSTRUM is opening a snack packet, and the sound of the bag rustling accompanies the first few stanzas.

HUTCHBACK

That would be quite good, a good rule in your life; if you were so narcissistic that you would only speak when you knew there was a microphone.. when there was a tape running. (puts on pompous voice) “Because what I have to say must be recorded.” Alright, I’ll try one of these. I think I did once...

DR. NOSTRUM

I think they’re very nice...

HUTCHBACK

...I think I quite liked them.

DR. NOSTRUM

...and very healthy.

HUTCHBACK

Healthy! Bollocks they’re healthy.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, the reason I bought these is that it said ‘corn’ and not ‘potato’, so I thought “oh, that must be better than crisps.”

HUTCHBACK

Bollocks

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s why they put it! I reckon that’s why they put it; to get the health kick people.

HUTCHBACK

Nik-Naks are not targeted at, er, at yer health conscious.

DR. NOSTRUM

So why would they mention that they’re corn? Who cares?


HUTCHBACK

Right, so. Anyway.

DR. NOSTRUM

Fashion.

HUTCHBACK

Fashion.

DR. NOSTRUM

Fashion for the next Geriatrics. People who keep their fashion all their life are quite interesting.

HUTCHBACK

Mm. yeah, well (puts on ironic exposition cramming voice) I believe you were telling me just th.. only the other day.

DR. NOSTRUM

No. I wasn’t thinking about that. I was saying, do you know anybody that does that? Like, any friends of your parents who have a ‘style’

HUTCHBACK

No. They all just look like old people.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah. My mum’s friends too. Although I met this guy in Nashville.. There
are quite a few people in the music industry who keep some kind of look.

HUTCHBACK

I guess the closest you can get is..

DR. NOSTRUM

I reckon Bono will still be wearing those glasses when he’s in the old people’s home.

HUTCHBACK

Mm. Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

Do you reckon he takes them off when he meets the Pope?

HUTCHBACK

Or maybe he has a special, religious.. A Holy Pair. No, but I do like.. I do like the, er..

DR. NOSTRUM

What, the trousers round the ankles look?

HUTCHBACK

Trousers round the ankles. Yeah. No, but. No, it’s an advance on trousers around.. sort of just hanging..

DR. NOSTRUM

Underneath the arse.

HUTCHBACK

Hanging below your bum. Saggy pants. It’s a bit like the mini skirt. In fact, it will become the male equivalent of the mini skirt. It’s that, it will get down to the knees first, just get down to the knees...

DR. NOSTRUM

I think they would have done it if it hadn’t been hard to walk.

HUTCHBACK

...then round the ankles, no, but maybe they’ll have, sort of, a customised pair of trousers.

DR. NOSTRUM

So they need some kind of knee cinches.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, you need something.

DR. NOSTRUM

What, like a knee belt?

HUTCHBACK

Yeah. Like a knee belt. No, like a pair of bicycle clips just under the knee.

DR. NOSTRUM

Oh, okay, I see what you mean. You’d need them above the knee.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, just above the knee, so it holds there, and then you can walk around.

DR. NOSTRUM

But you couldn’t run away.

HUTCHBACK

Couldn’t run away, but you could certainly walk around.

DR. NOSTRUM

Not good for running away.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, and as we know, obviously, kids today need to do a lot of running away...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yep.

HUTCHBACK

...to avoid getting killed.

DR. NOSTRUM

Or caught.

HUTCHBACK

Or caught. Killed or caught.

DR. NOSTRUM

Some people I tell, in the music business, or, whatever, just talking about things, um, some people are actually impressed by the fact that, you know...

HUTCHBACK

That you can add.

DR. NOSTRUM

...no, by the fact that I did Economics.

HUTCHBACK

But you didn’t do Economics.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, I did do it.

HUTCHBACK

You did it for about..

DR. NOSTRUM

No, no, I did it, I took my exam in it and everything...

HUTCHBACK

Did you?

DR. NOSTRUM

...A level. A level Economics, I got a U or, er, a D, you know, but.. but..

HUTCHBACK

And they’re very impressed!

DR. NOSTRUM

No, no, the comeback was; at least you did it. And I was thinking, well, I suppose so, but...

HUTCHBACK

You could have done anything and got a U in it.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, no, I didn’t get a U, I got a U in something else, but that’s.. that’s cos I wrote songs, instead...

HUTCHBACK

Okay

DR. NOSTRUM

...which they obviously didn’t like...

HUTCHBACK

No...

DR. NOSTRUM

Biology, I wrote songs.

HUTCHBACK

No, they don’t like that. There aren’t many songs in Biological text books.

DR. NOSTRUM

Imagine if you could have written songs though, for your exam, and got an A.

HUTCHBACK

Mm. They’d have had to have been very good, biological songs.. (has an Epiphany and sings) “Your knee bone’s connected to your thigh bone.” It’d have to be of that caliber, but more about “your platelet’s connected to your red blood vessels and all that business...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah

HUTCHBACK

...and that’s how you create Adenizine Tri-phosphate.”

DR. NOSTRUM

You’d have to be, I mean you’d have to be pretty smart to pass all your exams in meter and rhyme, that would be an achievement.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

I suppose the only exam where you’d do that is in poetry and they probably don’t even do that any more.

HUTCHBACK

No, I don’t think there is Poetry A level.

DR. NOSTRUM

No. There was some poet on the radio saying about, you know,  people bemoan the lack of meter and rhyme in modern poetry, but, you know, “they’ve got to get with it cos that’s so old fashioned.”

HUTCHBACK

“Man”

DR. NOSTRUM

And I was thinking, isn’t that poetry, and what they do now is, well, I suppose it’s still called poetry, but in fact it’s just speaking. Really.

HUTCHBACK

It’s just a load of words, stuck together on a fucking page.

DR. NOSTRUM

It is really.

HUTCHBACK

That’s the problem with modern poetry.

DR. NOSTRUM

It is. I mean it has it’s own internal rhythm, but it’s unfathomable unless you can hear the person speaking who’s written it.

HUTCHBACK

But that’s the point. Everything becomes worse over time.

DR. NOSTRUM

It’s just words.

HUTCHBACK

Everything becomes worse over time – that should be the subject of this post; how everything becomes worse.

DR. NOSTRUM

And we got that off the front of a BNP leaflet.

HUTCHBACK

Oh yeah. Forgot about that.

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There - claiming my real hidden title, not often you get a 'tchkn' in a word, except, one imagines, those written by drunk Russians.

So my little jaunt across the Le Mange, or whatever it is these Frenchies call the Channel, is over. A journey, the Doctor reliably informs me, of 3 hours has taken considerably longer. It must have been some navigational mishap or pirates amidship, or something darker and more devious, but I will one day get to the bottom of my peculiar trip to France and my endurance testing return.

For some reason the Doctor has taken a new approach to my discipline and mentoring. Rather than the regular and vicious beatings that I am used to he has somewhat mellowed and is now using me for a footstool in his parlour. His slovely ways are also a boon for when he drops the super noodles as they pass between fork and lip I can easily gobble them up off the Axminster before he notices. My new position has enabled me to enjoy TV for the first time in months and I am relieved to see the return of the finest art of our time - Celebrity Big Brother.

Lacking only the addition of starving lions this is the Hutchknacks favourite broadcast. And this particular series throws up the most imaginative fantasies of sexual congress imaginable. Verne who is well known for his drunken urination feats on previous reality shows holds particular promise. It isn't clear whether he would ever appear on 'Bangamidget.com' as the midgets being banged all appear to be female, although at that scale it can be hard to tell.

This does lead to some interesting mulling over the relative size of things in the trouser department, and it all comes down, one imagines to whether the short person in question is a dwarf or a midget. For as we all know from 'The Office' (UK version) a midget is small in proportion, whereas a Dwarf is short with standard sized head, hand, feet etc. The devil being in the etc. of course.

But let it not be said that the Hutchknack, deformed as he is in mind and body, fixates on those who are physically marginal, the biggest freakery on show was no doubt LaToya's casual referencing of her Mafia connected ex-husband's wife beating antics. She like Jermaine before her and of course the Michael betray very few signs of being human at all. One can barely imagine the fatherly conduct that created such a brood of space elves.

I am particularly enjoying the clodhopping courtship of the ethereal LaToya by the Celestial Gangster Coolio, a man for whom the words, "Shut up, fuck off and die" are interpreted by his brain as a call of "Encore, Maestro!"

Dr. Nostrum can see through the casting as another attempt to lure Michael Jackson into the house falls narrowly wide as they shoot and hit Latoya - who I have been calling Janet most of the week.

It's not a good cast really, but lit up wonderfully by Coolio, who is both an annoying asshole and a dead eyed killer, although another dead eyed killer was missed in the Paparazzi task this week as he was hoisted over the wall on a crane. Perhaps if they had used Iranian crane hoisting methods Barrymore would have been spotted? In one of the ad breaks he scarily appeared behind whoever it is that is deadpanning for the Big Mouth bit that I have never seen "Look Out! Look Out!" I screamed at the television. "Look out or you'll end up raped and found dead in a swimming pool!" but the guy never turned round.

Meanwhile back on the main show; Mutya and Tina have been lounging around in the big ashtray like two bored and tired hookers bemused at their inclusion, Ben and Michelle are ex-pop starring and boring us; Terry seemingly couldn't find an elderly gentleman to bend over for, he acts as if he's waiting for Alan Bennett (who Dr. Nostrum has been writing country music with periodically over the last year); Verne plays the Aahh toy for female viewers - no sign yet of the vicious ankle biter the press has made him; Ulrika and Latoya compete for whose face will sag last, both faces are clearly slowly heading south after having been pumped and frozen just before going in, but whose injections will prove to be the strongest? - It's one of the more interesting reasons to stay tuned. In the Scottish politician category, Tommy doesn't have the Galloway ego but though he does a passable Marcel Marceau impression in a leotard, Galloway has him (and most of the planet) beat in that department too. Lucy has gone, she was there to do what?? Another Tit models who wants us to know she's more than a Tit model so she can do non Tit model work. And lastly Coolio plays them all as the Big Brother Nero, but Latoya the least, watching them together is a real life "Love is..." Janet bats her eyelids as her night in shining armour boldly goes into battle to piss off the unknown English 'talent' and bring her back their broken spirits.

Coolio to win - driving out on Verne's car.

I believe Hutchback has a different take.

A warm invitation in the ad break on Big Bro this evening (and others no doubt) "Become a Teacher, you can earn £20 thousand a year - and the banter's not bad either." They've cut to the nub of the education issue in one blind stab. Unless it was in a subliminal message there was no mention at all about educating children, nothing, nada. Just a shot of some poncy X factor reject slouching back on a chair as kids walked into a room  (The Doctor thought he was one of the students) and one of the kids teasing him about a football result - dialogue free acting well scripted for it's simplicity, even having the sleight of hand to make me realise that the teacher is not some old dodderer, but probably a student not long ago and not as remote from the class as teachers once were. But the voice over was a coup de grace. Succinct and to the point. Who gives a fuck about anything but money and pissing about? And they can apply it to nearly any profession - You can earn £20 grand a year and the banter's not bad either; Dustmen; Builder; Prison Officer; Magician and I would have said Prositute but the pay's too low.

There was an ad, from what must have been the same agency, posted on bus shelters not too long ago. I didn't last long but it too fell on a profound truth "No Job, No Income, No Prospect - Join The Army" Now that's a great ad! They could have gone further I believe but I wasn't in on the copy - "Suicidally Depressed? - Join The Army, we'll kill yourself for you."

I have been tuning in to I CAN MAKE YOU THIN with Paul McKenna. Is it just me or does watching this programme make you hungry?

Somewhere in the last five years Paul McKenna has become a TV Carpet Salesman, and fulfills the American generic by talking loudly and over-excitedly, over-emoting whenever possible. It looks like pastiche, but I believe he has brainwashed himself into believing this is how you present American TV. What he's doing, of course, was invented by my great grand-daddy, who used to sell the family potion off the back of wagons.

There are several staggering contradictions in this program's hour that just will not go away, along with the pervading sense of cheapness that riddles the broadcast, plastered in to the UK schedule lock, stock and barrel off the American airwaves.

The most annoying of these is the near constant reminder from Paul that this is not one of those shows where we (the TV audience) watch other people get thin, immediately followed by introducing us to other people who have lost weight or who we are going to be following losing weight across the series. He does this so many times I can only conclude that he will soon be running for Prime Minister. But anyway, everyone we meet who has lost weight "LOOKS GREAT!!"

The second is down to automaton scheduled advertising where we get Diets sold to us in the ad breaks straight after Paul tells us Diets don't work. I mean you have to be tuning in to Paul McKenna on purpose, right, or at least stick with it on purpose, so whatever demographic it is that the automatons think would purchase one of these Diet products, I'd like to meet them and sell them George Bush's soul - you can keep it in your pocket and use it like worry beads.

There is a grain of usefulness in the show misapplied if it does what it says on the tin. It is a 'not a distraction technique' to help you stabilise the emotions that make you eat when you don't want to, in audience tests it reduces the craving to eat when in an highly emotional state from a 10 to 0. I tried doing it with him, but found it very distracting and couldn't follow what he was showing me. BUT, if this works, what are they doing using it on over-eaters? This should be used on murderers, rapist, paedophiles and genocidists. If only Stalin had sat in the Kremlin and tapped himself calm...

The last contradiction is the clincher, and, properly, it comes first because it's the legal disclaimer that's read out in American blandese ahead of the show and shown for a few seconds at the end. It includes the truths that "results will vary" and that "the program is for entertainment only".

Read that again, because it defines Paul McKenna; entertainment from misery.

So there we have it, another programme that tells people who have forgotten how to behave, how to behave - you know - like religion.

As it was he's making me miserable because being one of those 'naturally thin' people he keeps mentioning (that is, when I don't over-eat for ages or exercise for weeks) I never worry about food, so there I was tucking into my FUCK YOU Paul McKenna second portion when I started chewing my food 20 times and thinking about whether I was full. I couldn't clean my plate and this immediately brought on strong feelings of annoyance and guilt at having watched the Paul McKenna show and subsequently wasting my hard earned on food I was about to throw in the bin.

This life is for entertainment purposes only.