Things You Don't Know About Women

-We want to cuddle after sex because we're fucking freezing.

- Not all of us want marriage and babies. Some of us just want orgasms and cats.

- We drink till you're cute, too.

- We are just as clueless about what we really want as you are.

- "What are you doing later?" is not romantic. "Pack your bag and bring your passport" is.

- You know what's really gay? Football. Instead of watching it, just have sex with another dude once a year. Get it all out of your system at once.


Our friends are not your enemies, and our enemies better not be your friends.

- When you break up with us, that means it's over, and we will only sleep with you two or three more times.

- Since we let you inside of us, we care a lot about where you've been.

-Sometimes we think we really understand men. Then we regain consciousness.

- Women really do want to be on time. It's just that everything starts so darned early.

- We emotionally extricate ourselves gradually over the last few months of a relationship so that by the time we say good-bye, we're ready. The signs are always there.

- There is no such thing as low maintenance or high maintenance, just a bunch of women hoping for a capable mechanic.

- The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her clit.

- Despite your fantasies of lingerie, on the first couple of dates we're probably sporting the much maligned "granny panty." This is a time-honored method of self-restraint. The image of you being greeted by our double-wide, elastic-waist, daisy-covered underwear sufficiently motivates us to behave ourselves.

- We like being wrestled.

-Women who get boob jobs "for themselves" also give blow jobs "for themselves."

- We order our salad dressing on the side because we are control freaks. We'd like to control you. Because we can't, we control lettuce.

- We are not all that enthusiastic about men who have extensive knowledge of female reproductive health. Men who tell us what exercises we can do to ease our menstrual cramps and who know the best course of treatment for recurring yeast infections freak us out.

- PMS is real. It's chemical, and it sucks. If someone told you that every thirty days you were going to get jacked repeatedly in the nuts, you'd be pissy around day twenty-six, too.

- We can make a "celebrity safe list" if you want. But I am way more likely to get Patrick Dempsey to fuck me in a bathroom than you are to get Lindsay Lohan to suck you off in your car.

- A fantasy life is not exclusively yours. You know how sometimes you open your eyes and are disappointed not to see Pamela Anderson? We're just as shocked to find out you're not a pirate.


- Women lust after younger men the same way men lust after younger women. But we don't marry them and let them take all our money.

- Being clean is so much more important than being rich or cute.

- If you have a vanity license plate, you will get laid only by women with long, fake fingernails who describe themselves as "classy."

- Your scratchy toenails are freaking us out.

- Leaving a message in a fake foreign accent on a woman's voice mail is a surefire way to get her into bed. We love that lascivious, drunken message from your alter ego Boris, the Bulgarian gambler who spotted us on the street and would like to whisk us off to Reno in his Chrysler LeBaron for an evening of sordid sex. Believe me, if you haven't gotten us under the sheets yet, Boris surely will.

-We get over you sooner than you think. Officially, that is. (You really don't want to know how quickly we're recycling your favorite songs into a mix tape for our back-on-the-market party.)

- We use your razor because it's there.

- Next time a woman is acting crazy, break into applause and see what happens.

- Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

- Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.

- Some of us like guns.

- You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You're welcome.

- If we are forced into a situation where a male stripper is imploring us to, say, lick whipped cream from his shaved inner thigh or lap tequila from his navel, it will most likely just perplex and embarrass us.

- Not all women are thoroughly sold on the idea of pushing a baby out of a small opening in their bodies. It does not fill all of us with an inexpressible Sense of Purpose on this Earth. It fills us with a slow and steady sense of dread. Nevertheless, it should be noted that, when contemplating our golden years, we do like to imagine plenty of vital progeny gathered at our knee, hanging on our every wizened word and keeping us company after you die, which you will do before us because you are always eating all that crap.

- When we start getting undressed in front of you with the lights on, it means we've lost interest.

- We know what you're doing when you put your hand in your pocket.

- Men who say "we're pregnant" are the bad kind of gay.

- Somewhere between The Vagina Monologues and Beauty and the Beast resides our notion of femininity. So, you know, good luck with that.

- You want a night out with the boys. We also want a night out with the boys.