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Ok so why the fuck.. am i watching season 1 of Noah's Arc and i finished watcing the first 2 episodes....  And i couldn't watch amymore... cause i got this prescense of the past stuck in my head!!!??.. Wtf.
 
I wanna sleep wit a Straight Guy first and foremost. If, i haven't already..... Call me a slut but i dont give  a flying F*ck..... Shit! I think that is like subsequently the typical Gay Man's Dream... Or is it!?.. I wonder..... Lemme know ppls....

Like Wade and Noah has this intense sex scene that really blow me away...( Like i never seen it before.) i have but .. still .... it still catches my eye if u will. (by the way i love me so Wade!) Anywho, like it made me wonder.... who was the greatest Sex i ever had!? Are u willing to express the unexpressed!?

That qstn is still to be answered. Keep wondering ...I know who mine is.
But what comes with that answer is ... why it ain't me!? ... If,... if isn't that person.... Fucking deal with it. ... Gosh! Lol.

But i felt as if i was with my Ex again and i know that is wierd.. to feel like that .. but i don't know... (i know ima big women..) it was wierd for a second. Then it hit me.... it's a fucken TV show! But i love it. Like, i don't have any  inclinations of getting back wit my ex.... (not that i know of.) But it was jus fucken wierd.  Maybe cuz i miss him... i think so. Yea i know so for sure.  I mean it's been going on 2 years since i saw him. And 30 mins since i last spoke to him... Lmao.

Oh well ima watch some more of Noah's Arc... and inform you on some more things...

I need a drink for real... cuz this buzz is dying off....

Peace.
Eroc*

What the F*ck Yo!!!.... How come when everything seems to be getting good and going your way.. it's goes downhill?  Like you meet this random guy.. yea it maybe not be your first inclination to talk to him..but you give it a shot b/c you're a nice son of a bitch and not a shady fem queen...(well at least not all the time.)

So yea basically... that how it goes, you give ppl chances (let's call it that.) and it goes good.. and then BOOM! ... Something happens.....

You know once, i messed wit someone who had their Ex in the pic... and that wasnt cute... but it dam sure was fun. Do i regret it.. No. Kinda. Maybe. But he came on to me..and came to see me! But we all have our Erica Kane moments. [ "Erica Kane" that is another story...Will Discuss soon. Lol.] We all have to experience our .... One nite only's if u will.... or Late nite Erotica's.

So this guy ... is like pissing me off. [ No, wait. that's irrelevant.] Back to the subject. [ugh, i need a drink.]

Anyway, guys are shady. Period. And i am pretty sure.. there are plenty of men, and women  that will agree. Like i don't get it. Cause when u do it to someone else.. you;re the Shady one!? What the fuck!? Men get away wit a lot of shit...
Like....

The typical "ima call u back".. and Don't!!!-- I mean, i am no needy bitch.. unless u giving it like that...but don't make empty proimise ni**a!!Werd.

Or "I was sleeping when u called "yet your ass is on Myspace?? Or AIM?-- Get real. Boo.

Or my favorite I"ma call u when i get home".. -- Puh-leeze! Bitch.

Shade is the word.. in all forms. But it's time to switch the tables a little.. and become the bitch that people hate... Sometimes you have to. Like i don't like being a bitch... but somebody deserves it somewhere.

Jus think, one day you might jus be giving shade to the love of your life. .....Fuck that.... He's probably the reason why you started it to begin with. Shit.

By the way ... excuse my language. (lol) More to come. Jus a frustrated .. guy wit some unresolved issues... if u can't tell already.

And they ask why i drink!? Ugh! Ask again. Please!

Cuz, I am OVER it.

Eric J. Parker.

Am i wrong for the way i am? Or is the way i am apart of me that surpassing what the real truth is?  I never thought of me as being this way... it jus happened. Like when someone drastically passes away it ..just happens. I know i am not a bad person and if so, then why do i feel like... the world is against me for feeling what i feel? And when i get all intense and agitated about certain issues that effects til this day.... i am the bad person!? People have to understand that i am not perfect nor is the next man but, there is a time when you know that you;re not the bad one in this case.... you're the victim. Yea, i may have done things to provoke the situation ..unintentionally.. ..obviously. But to understand this story i have to go back 2 years ago... when it all happened......

Late August 2006' I was at the highest point of my life i was finally out of the CLOSET and FREE as they say. I was dating the love of my life... and i was in good spirits for a change. Then, it went downhill and fast.... Suddenly my world turned up side down... My mother "Disapproved" of my affair/ relationship with my Ex- first husband ( Inside joke.) which is fine but she wasn't telling me the real truth. Which was that she couldn't bare seeing me with another man in her face... which is absolutely understandable.. I mean what child would want the mother to bare such a thing!? I didn't and thats for sure. Well considering i came out to her in Dec of 05' a year prior this incident..i thought she would tell me what was wrong being that i confided in her about my sexuality when i and no one there for me at the most critical times of my life. People wonder why i am so cold inside at times why i get depressed in a instant and not even notice it... this is why....

Again, i am not PERFECT... who the fuck is? Any who, it all lead up to her getting random attitudes and telling my father behind my back about my sexuality and telling him to " change me!, Make him like Girls again" and blah, blah blah.... Yea crazy huh!?... Wait theres more.  I wasn't aware of the secret meetings that her and my dad had behind my back but boy, was those secrets coming to life sooner than i thought.  One random day, i was chillen in the crib wit my boo and we were minding our business doing us... chatting, pissing each other off.. what we do best... Then it happened.... My brother called who didn't like my boo for some weird reason.. i guess oh yea,... he caught us holding hands... a week prior this.. so it was out and proud in his face not by choice ..obviously... but fuck it.. i had to deal wit it. So yea, he called and he tells my mother "yo, i don't want that nigga on the computer (like its his) and of course being the mommy dearest she is ..she says " ok sure."  So she gave me the phone and this is basically how the conversation went....

Me: Hello?
Him: I dnt want the fucking ni**a....
CLICK!! I hung up on his ass. (Shaboom.)

I go back out there to the kitchen to give that women (mommy dearest.) the phone and look at her and she knew what i was saying wit my eyes... and she says...very blunt " did u Fucking speak to you brother!? You heard what he said ..he doesn't want him on the fucking Computer!! So get him the fuck off!"

Mind you all he was doing..... was putting music on my retro ipod shuffle ( the original one!? ) (Don't worry i upgraded. since.)  That's all.... What is he gonna catch a fucking gay virus!! I mean hello!??

So the drama started and it ignited to something fierce... So she never told me she was feeling all of these things... about me and him... but it came out....

So after she said that.. i said " What are u talking about? Relax. He's only fixing my Ipod."  Don't I PAY RENT  HERE!?????" So why couldn't i have a friend over chillen and yea if he's my boo..so what ... we are not in ur face...making out or etc.... But she wasn't hearing that and did the unthinkable...

Her response was... " I don't give a fuck! If u don't like it.... GET  THE FUCK OUT!!!"

I paused......

Then i came back to reality... I am being kicked out!! So i bounced and bitch!!... WW3 began!! (Lol.)

So those who know me knows that i recently moved to Florida late 06' and stood there for about 6 months. And it changed my life....

Long story short i am not writing this to make my mother look like a bad person.. (Well, maybe.) But like ppl have to understand what happen prior and after this.... So fucking much was put on the table... from me being basically homeless ... for weeks.. to my entire family finding out about my sexuality.. to them finding out the answer of me being that way i am.... and no i am not saying it... jus yet... that's another story. (personal.)

All of this accumulated within the month of August!!! I felt like i was fucking losing my mind.... i shut down on any and everyone..jus me and my boo...riding til we die..cause that's how it felt.... if you're asking has things changed to an degree.... i am living right? And i has survived the most unimaginable things ... to get where i am.... I mean, i am not a bad person... i have flaws jus like everyone else... and maybe yes i was wrong for bringing him over as much as i did.... but then as i look at it ..NO i am not. I am not wrong for having him over cause all we were doing was CHILLING!!! SERIOUSLY!

Well here i am....... Take me as i am.  More story to follow.

In my final notes... all i say is that i would never forget this...
A dear celebrity who i admirer to death!!!..... told me (via myspace.) (SERIOUSLY.) 

-- "GOD DOESN'T EVER GIVE YOU TOO MUCH THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE". -- Doug Spearman (Chance, From Noah's Arc.)

THOSE WORDS HAVE FOLLOWED ME SINCE AND I KIDD YOU NOT  THAT IS THE REASON WHY I AM HERE TODAY.  AND I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL OF THAT.

THANK YOU.

Eroc*

 

 

                I'm writing about the one thing that's been on my mind lately and that's how do we keep a healthy and stable relationship? That's a question that WE as Americans (LBGT, straight, confused.) what ever the case may be, have been questioning for years and honestly some of us has been afraid and still are afraid of the answer of shall I say the "outcome" of things if they were to go that way. The reason to that is because people society rather has been underlining and underestimating the power of the truth so to speak.

                I feel that it is time to face the truth but, then what comes with the truth is the question that everyone asks themselves in a very subtle way " Am I the reason why my relationship(s) failed in the past?" and the answer to that is maybe, or maybe not. Sometimes in life we have to ask that question that completely puts us or ourselves in the worst predicament but, sometimes that's when the honest truth comes out and you can find the reason to your past failures and if the answer is you then it's time for a change, not a drastic one but one that can better you and your partner/lover for the good.

                At times when I questioned myself the same question I came to many conclusions I was like no it's not me it can't be, nope, it's him… it has to be! But then again that's just me. It's hard to even grasp those situations at times and don't think for a minute that for us Gay men it's easier to find and have a stable relationship because that is a forever going myth. Now, I'm not saying that there's nothing called LOVE in the Gay community there is but its hard to find regardless of what sexual orientation you are and that's a fact. I mean jus look at the men in Hollywood that jus recently came out of the "ever so sacred" CLOSET… By them  feeling they need to get rid of the baggage that's holding them down which is …yes you've got it themselves.

                But back to reality, When that question comes up you need to sit and find the truth behind the question and if it's you or your partner/lover than you need to make a change for the better otherwise it's going to keep going downhill from there and that's a big "no-no" for us hopeless romantics. I'd say jus overlook your relationship and then examine the good/bad, right/wrong in both of you and how you both can improve your relationship or your future relationship that you'll embark upon on and then everything else falls into place and you can begin to pick up the pieces and finally find that true LOVE that comes from within.

For quite sometime I always felt that LOVE was a beautiful thing and I still do feel that it is but I now know that LOVE can brings out the best in you unwillingly and it can be a hurtful thing to experience but it changes your perspective on life drastically (well for first timers.) even the ones who LOVE isn't their first it can be that way as well, which brings me to my topic on LOVE and all of its treasures that comes with it. LOVE is a scary thing as we all know but to be in LOVE can be the greatest feeling of all and it can open your eyes to things indescribable. 

 

These are thoughts that I am constantly thinking about. Then I ask myself,
"Do you ever get over you first love?" and if so who is to say that, that flame that burned out couldn't be ignited again? These are questions that I'm asking myself on a daily basis due me experiencing that with my first love... and we all know how hard that can be. Speaking of that I want to say a few words on that topic ...on how people feel that it can be their downfall and I thought/ believed that for quite sometime and now I can say that part of me still does but I know that the future is bright at the end of the tunnel and that's what we all have to remember the " The past is never the past is an open door to the future.. Our future."

 

"Love Never Comes To An End" – Brandy (Never Say Never Album.)

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Eric J. Parker