We are getting two, yes two itteh bitteh kittehs on friday.

They need names.

I don't know their sexes so gender neutral names preferred or a lot of suggestions!

Any ideas?

My friend came up with Tess and Tickle.

Get it?

Oh come on...

Say the names together without the "and"...

Yes, I know...

Help!

I do, yes, uh huh.

I have started making jewellery after a loooong hiatus, something like 20 years, and now I'm selling it!

Click on the picture to go and have a peek.


...and of course if you feel the urge, you could always buy something...

xxx

I made this on thursday, and with tears in my eyes while I sawed, filed, stamped and polished, I'm surprised it worked! It felt good stamping George's name and rather therapeutic to create something with love.

It doesn't shout, it's tiny, only about 2.5cm, far from perfect and I can't stop touching it. It's already become my talisman, my worry bead, my touchstone.






I may even have to make it again with thicker silver in case I wear it away.

Ray brought the butterfly for me on our first (and so far, only) holiday together in Rhodes. Hopefully we'll be going away again soon.




I'm thinking of turning this into a small business, something I can do now and more importantly when we have a baby at home.

Tell me what you think.

And I shall be adding to this necklace at some point. I made another one for me and put it away safely, a blank one ready and waiting for the name of a brother or sister...

I'm still alive. Still grieving and still loving.

Ray spoke to his sister today and she asked how we are, "we have good days and bad days but mostly we're ok". He summed it up perfectly. Mostly I'm ok.

Medically, I'm still suffering from some symptoms that I won't go into here... but I have a date for a 3d scan with a squirt of dye (yes, as yukky as it sounds) to seek out the evilfibroids that might have killed my son. The destroy mission comes later. Just not much later I hope. We want to make another baby soon!

I went back to work two weeks ago and had such a bad time with my colleagues and their unbelievable lack of understanding that I'm off sick again. One colleague actually told me "you're not the only woman in the world to have gone through this you know" as if that would help? Read more here. I don't know what I'm going to do about this but I think a new job might be in order.

I'm sorry to keep on pointing you at my blogspot blog but it seems easier to write about this terrible loss separately to myspace, and as a consequence I've been neglecting myspace for blogspot. I post there every day and I'm sure you guys don't always want to read about the minutiae of my grief process. Or maybe you do, in which case... oh ok, I've already linked over there haven't I? Oh yeah and I'm also on facebook for some reason but how I point you in the right direction to find me I don't know. I just don't know... and you can follow me on twitter if you know how to tweet... I've been busy haven't I?!

My new friend in loss, Carly, made a website for anyone who has just suffered a loss or is about to (really, that's relevant). If you know anyone in this awful position please please please point them there. I wish I'd had this resource in the first days after losing George.
 
I hope you are all well and your lives are uneventful, but in a good way.

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into it's darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making.

It's all wrong. I should be waddling around feeling George kick me while I fiddle with fairy lights.

Ray doesn't like to celebrate anyway, it's the time of year he lost his dad and since neither of us celebrate the religious side of the holiday there doesn't seem much point this year. Oh I'm not slumping into depression don't worry, I'm just not pretending everything is ok because it isn't.

So we're avoiding not seeing either side of our family and instead inviting Ray's friend who just split with his girlfriend to share our dinner and not celebrate christmas with us either.

I haven't sent any christmas cards (sorry) what would I write? And I'm only getting small gifts for my family.

I will be making a batch of yummy Rocky road type stuff and distributing it instead of bought presents and I might... might find a few of those fairy lights and drape them over the fireplace and maybe leave them out for a new baby to see... and hope that what with all the tests I'm going to be put through in the new year, it doesn't take too long.

Today I'm planning other ways to not celebrate christmas.

Bah humbug.

I decided to post my response to Sue's comment on my previous blog as a blog in itself because I was so touched by her kindness and as my reply got longer and longer and longer it sort of turned into a blog all by itself and I thought it merited it's own page!

I hope you don't mind Sue!

Sister Mary Elephant

Give yourself some credit. Now we might have to fight here, but, I have two dead babies and I would like to say that God felt me worthy to be able to take it and if it helped others to do so with it. I don't believe they are dead, I feel they are with God and they ARE PERFECT. I didn't have names for them but they were still mine. I know I will see them someday again. I know you are hurting and you need to hurt as much as you need to, to get this all out and blogging is a good thing. And if you don't believe it I still say you are brave and you are doing the best you can which is all someone can ask of you. Chin up, (I know so much easier said than done) Plodding is ok. For everything there is a season. You are in winter but spring will soon follow. And yes your mum, as you say it, is wonderful because she brought up a wonderful women like you! Don't give up. As Angels in the Outfield line goes, "It could happen." We just don't know what God has in store for us. You are wonderful person and a wonderful mother even if George just happens to not be with you right now. You love him with a neverending love. I hurt for you and mourn with you but don't sell yourself short. Hope I didn't cross any lines but I wanted you to know that you need to take all the time you need and know that you are not alone in this. I am a message away and if you need a number, our mutual friend would gladly give it to you so I can make you smile even if for a brief time. My heart goes out to you and I am here if you need me. Love and hugs to you and everyone in you your family. sueb

Posted by Sister Mary Elephant on 13 Dec 2008, 03:55

Dear Sue,

We don't have to fight at all and you didn't cross any lines that I made. I don't share your religious beliefs in any shape or form but I know what you say comes from your sweet kind and good heart and for that Sue, I sincerely thank you. I might be an atheist but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate what you say, my chin is up and I won't give up! It really means so very much when someone takes the time to care.

My George is with me, he lives in my heart and mind and he will always be there. He lives in his Daddy's heart and mind and his Grandparents and every one who cared about him. I don't call myself brave because I don't think there's anything to be brave about. I accept that I need time to grieve and hurt and I don't stop my tears but I also accept the moments of happiness and there are more and more of them as the days go by. There was a tiny moment of pure joy last night and it was beautiful. This grief is what it is and I'm surviving it because that's all I can do. My heart is broken but it's also full to bursting with love and this is what will heal me.

I'm trying to make sense of it all by organising my jumbled thoughts and emotions and blogging them each day on the blogspot site. It helps me to understand myself a little better and from the comments I receive from other mums of lost babies, everything I'm feeling is part of a normal grief journey which lets me know I'm not going completely loopy!

The worst thing I could do would be to pretend that I'm ok and everything is fine. I'm not and It isn't and if you ask me how I am these days, you're likely to get the long answer! I've stopped protecting other people from my grief and I'm finding out who my real friends are which, I suppose, is ultimately good to know.

Since we lost George we are not the same people. Our world is slightly different now, a little less bright and a little more fragile. I held our dead baby in my arms, touched his perfect face, counted his perfect fingers and toes and kissed his perfect nose and I will always feel his absence. This is the all new me with a vital piece missing and although it is far from easy, I'm getting used to it too.

Right now I should be waddling around fiddling with fairy lights and feeling George kick me to let me know how he liked them. It's going to take a long time and there's really nothing brave to do.

Sue, I know you understand through losing your own babies, and for that I'm truly truly sorry. No one should ever have to suffer the loss of a child (of any age) and my heart breaks again for each of the Mothers to dead babies I come into contact with because now I know.

Love and peace from Barbara.

xxx

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I had a shopping morning with my Mum today and then we went for a coffee (1 americano and 1 decaf amaretto latte. Yes, the second one was mine. Yum.)

We talked about her first grandchild and we had a little cry together. She kept saying his name. She has one of his scan pictures and wondered if I wanted it back. I told her she could keep it and she was so pleased. She asked if Ray and I would take her and my Dad to George's place in the woods and of course we will.

My Mum wanted to make sure that I wasn't upset with her because she just couldn't bring herself to see George after he was born. Of course I wasn't. I told her I understood and I do. She knows I have photos and his hand and footprints and I told her that if she would like me to bring them to her, where she can see him and have a cry safely, I will.

I told her never to worry about speaking about George, he's part of our family and needs to be included and she most definitely agreed. I told her she should never worry about upsetting me as I'm already so very upset and the tears need to get out. She told me that when she saw me sobbing at the hospital she wanted to pick me up in her arms and take me home. I'll always be her baby. It was lovely.

Today, I've been sharing my son with his lovely Grandma.

We bought a car on friday (here you see my darling Ray pretending he knows what he is doing). It is 10 years old and was very very cheap which was useful since we have no money. One of our friend described it as a wardrobe on wheels, and it's great! Ray loves driving and since I don't drive I get to be chauffeured about, albeit in a slightly creaky manner.


Last night we pointed it in a direction and went. It was a beautiful night. The sky was deeply black and starry and light from the half moon sparkled off the sea along the coast roads.







On saturday we drove a little further along the coast in the opposite direction from last night, stopping here and there to photograph the views and just enjoying the freedom. At the end of a driving day we saw the sun set on a beach that I remember from childhood holidays and then warmed ourselves by the fireplace in a beach cafe drinking tea and eating a very late lunch.

It was a good day.














I looked over my shoulder into the back seat and imagined a car seat with little sleepy George in it. Cue tears.






Today I'm thinking of days with George that will never be.

I have to say, once again, that I have the best guy in the world who will do an Irish jig combined with a Russian dance to make me laugh. Wow, he'll be such a great dad. It's so stupidly unfair that he won't get to be a great dad to George.


We were lying on the grass down by the seafront one sunny day not long after we got together and we started playing with our camera phones. There are hundreds of these.

Life goes on for us, one foot goes in front of the other, and grief is wrapped tightly around my heart.

If you want to know how I'm doing, it's all here.

Ok, so that's enough plugging of that.

A poem by Elizabeth Dent that just says it all.

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

I won my ebay auction for this baby shoe: a little reminder of my little George that I can carry with me everyday.

I'm trying to post a blog every day at my blogspot page, as one way of dealing with my grief. It seems to help.

Please have a look and leave a comment if you feel so inclined.

Thank you.