1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish i was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in 3 words
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think i'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. Do you wish to get to know me more?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your myspace and see what I say about u?

I really wish I had influence in the scene, I really do. I know that a few people read this, and I love those people, but I just wish that the bands themselves would read this and send me messages of some sort (QWERTY did, but I said I liked them so they don't count). Even if they just messaged me saying "U DUN GT MY ART" I'd be happy, because it'd show I was at least getting through to them. But oh nooooo. (however, I do take full credit for Balletbox going on indefinite hiatus, even if I played no factor in the decision. I just hate those guys)

Of course, we've all seen the drama that's enfolding right now with Absence of Presence, probably the most overrated local band evar. So it's clear what my goal is. I'm going to have to post something about them, because their egos have reached critical mass apparently and it's nearing meltdown.

Absence of Presence

Ok, what the hell? I have no idea what's going on here. We have Jamwa making his bulletin on why he thinks Absence of Presence are a shittily overrated band, which is basically what I do but less permanent, and then all hell breaks loose. I mean, he would have probably received less criticism if he had come out as a Nazi, or admitted to raping someone through the eye or something. But oh no, he disses a band, so clearly a jihad is in order.

The stories I've heard are hilarious and tragic. Hilarious in that the stories can't be true, tragic in that they actually are. First we have the story of how they actually asked Ashes of Pale to change their name because there can only be one AOP in town. Sorry lads, but seeing as Ashes have been going longer I think they win by default. That's how it would work if the names were copyrighted. Why couldn't you change your names? Absence of Presence is so...I dunno, it screams "LOCAL BAND" to me. I recommend "Sciatica". How awesome is that name? =D

The other story I've heard is that Absence were going to kick Jamwa's ass at the Halloween gig. I swear to God, if you do I will lose any respect I had for you (I surprisingly have quite a bit for you guys, but that's for later on). That isn't on. A person is allowed to hate your music just as much as he or she is allowed to love it. You can't change it, no matter how many (IMO empty) threats you make.

I don't fully agree with Jamwa (I don't like Deviate or As The Sun at all. It feels like I'm getting an enema through my ears every time I listen to them), but his criticism certainly rang true on at least one account for me. At least. You guys are definately overrated. I mean, seriously so. While you're definately one of the best of a bad bunch, you're not a ripe fruit on the rotten tree of the Inverness scene. You aren't the Gods, the saviors of modern music that people make you out to be. You're just a band that suck slightly less than the others.

See, I got bored one day, so I decided to ask an Absence of Presence fan why they were an Absence plan. This is how the convo went:

Sexy Kyle: So, why do you like Absence of Presence.
Random AoP Fan: BECUZ LIEK OMG DEYR TEH KOOLIST N FIN IZ DA BST DRUMMA EVAR AN IF ANY1 DIZZ DEM IL BEAT DA CRAP OUTF DEM LOL
Sexy Kyle: ...I see. Care to elaborate?

Of course they don't because they've returned to their AoP-fellatio and it's rude to talk with your mouth full of ego-cock.

I'm going to take your cover of Unholy Confessions as an example. I haven't heard the original or the Ashes of Pale version, so I don't have the advantage of comparing it to the original. However, there was something...I dunno, slightly unpolished about it. The drumming seemed horribly out of sync with the rest of the band, and while the other instruments were good and well played, yadda yadda, there was something...boring about them. I dunno.

Your album preview annoys me. Why can't you just put some of the songs up? I mean, all we're getting is two fifteen second clips, and we're supposed to think "YES. I SHALL BUY THIS ALBUM NOW." And £6? Bitch, please. QWERTY's one was £3, and that was quality. It just reeks of inauthentic commercialism.

Oh, speaking of instruments. I keep hearing that Finn is the BEST DRUMMAR EVAR OLOLOL. No he isn't, the out of sync drumming proved it.

HOWEVER, I do have compliments about you as well. Lucky you. Firstly, your vocalist/screamer guy...thing. He's good. He's very good. His voice is perhaps a little soft when he's screaming, but he's still damn good. Keep him, and feed him well, because I reckon that without him you're fucked. =D

The live show I did see you perform at as well was very good. From what I remember (it was almost two months ago, leave me alone), you managed to keep the audience engaged, which was damn impressive. And whoever got them to play Killing in the Name is made of win. <3

To be honest, I can't think of anything else to write. This is my opinion. AoP need to get over themselves, and start to fucking play for the music.

I warn wouldbe haters that I will be posting any hateful messages I get in a separate blog article. =D

On September 2nd (Saturday), there's another Downtown gig. Here's who're all playing:

As The Sun
Absence of Presence
Ashes of Pale
Deviate
Notta Loan

...ha...haha...HAHAHAHAHAHA. *cough* So anyway. Like the last gig, I'm going to listen to the songs on their MySpace and comment on them here for your reading pleasure, because I'm so wonderful like that. So, without further ado...

As The Sun

Omg! Some genuine Killswitch Engage sound-a-likes! Spiffing! I love me some good ol' screaming! =D So, first track I listened to was "The Sweet Serenity..." (the dots are so scene right now =3). Started with the usual "SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM" of metalcore. I was starting to dig it. The screaming sounded genuine, the instruments were good, and I was happy. But wait! Suddenly, these harmonies suddenly come out of nowhere, and oh God they're awful. Someone needs to be told they can't sing. Or at least, they can't sing in harmony with others. What was worse was that it sounded vaguely in tune, but at the same time set your teeth on edge, like a detuned radio. The song was almost five minutes, and the singing happened more and more. STOP NOW PLZ.

I decided to listen to one more song, and put on Forever My Goddess or something (I don't care enough about this band to remember the song names). Again, metalcore by numbers. SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM. But lo and behold, come the chorus, the screamer and one of the singers do one of those little exchanges where the screamer screams something and the singer sings back, making it sound like a really weird argument. "Could it be?" I think. "No harmonies?" BUT LO, the harmonies appeared again, as discordant as ever. In fact, it's worse. Oh God, I'm scared of seeing this band live now. D=

Absence of Presence

This band are clearly amazing. No, I haven't listened to them, and I won't be able to until the gig because they have no songs on their MySpace. However, they will still singlehandedly be better than everyone else, because I know the guitarist. So nyeh.

Ashes of Pale

God, I still marvel at how much they pwned at the last gig. I'm listening to their stuff again because I'm wanting to try and see if I can judge them again. Alas, my opinion remains unchanged. Without the live atmosphere, they crash and burn. The first song, "The Rise Of The Ashes", seems to suffer from Balletbox Drummer Syndrome. The drums at certain points are all over the fucking place. The second one has the guy from Notta Loan. Notta Loan, as you will find out later in this little piece of scripture, are not my favourite band in the world right now. Boo, says I.

Deviate

Bunch of hippies! They have no songs on their MySpace as well. Damn their hides.

Notta Loan

Wow. I learned some things about this band between the last concert and now. The first thing being that they're actually despised by a vast majority of the scenesters and teensters of Inverness. From what I hear, it's due to two points. One, their music blows. In repeated relistens, I can see where they come from. In fact, I am going to quote the lyrics to their song. I emphatically stress that these lyrics were written by Notta Loan and not me. I'm able to take Higher English for a reason. That reason is my ability to write.

Be warned: The following is the rhyming structure of musical decay:

A Tale of Broken Glass

Pre Verse

Ripped The Pictures Off The Wall
It Began To Hurt
Packed My Bags,Walked Out The Door
But I Left The Shirt
Right Next To The Picture Frame Of Us On That Day
I've Enjoyed These Seven Years But Im Sorry I Have To Say I....
Verse

Washed My Hands Of Her That Night
Her Smell Stayed Pure In My Heart
When I Found Out What She Did
I Didint Want Her In My Sight Anymore

Verse 2

Threw The Ring In Her Face
She Cryed Many Tears
She Tryed To Throw It Back
But I Did Not Catch
No More To See She Slept With Me
Now Im Gone
I Cant Belive She Wore That Thong

Chorus

She Left Me With My Salty Wounds
Why Cant She See
How Much Its Hurting Me
She Left Me With My Salty Wounds
How Much Its Hurting Me
How Much Its Hurting Me

Interlude

She Left Me With My Salty Wounds
She Left Me With My Salty Wounds
She Left Me She...


...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. You know what? I take everything I've said about Notta Loan back. They're clearly a clever parody band, designed to have a laugh at the expense of the scenesters of Inverness. Oh, you clever geniuses! However, in the slight possibility that these are supposed to be serious, I will have to kill everyone. And by everyone, I mean Notta Loan. Look, I can write better. This is me writing at 11:17PM. I'm tired, I'm irritable and I have a sore foot. Yet I am able to write eloquently enough to completely rip a band apart.

Now, I'd like to bring special attention at this point to the lineup. The drummer and the bassist have changed. The drummer I have no idea why he left. However, I heard that the bassist left after Notta Loan were booed off stage. I can't clarify this, however I've talked to people who I have little reason to doubt. That tells me so much. =)

Oh, they also have a new song on their MySpace, a hilariously bad little ditty called Something Concrete. To their credit, the lyrics are slightly less retarded. However, the song is so much worse, because it loses the dancability that the first one had. This one's just slow and boring. THIS MAKES ME ANGRY. >| But anyway, yeah. The song sucks, yo.

Damn, I've been ranting for so long about their music that I forgot the second point! Apparently, their lead singer Rabbit (stupidest name for a rock star ever. Even stupider than "The Edge", for fuck's sake) is a jackass. Apparently. I don't know him. All I know is that he has supernatural powers at keeping his trousers up.

But yeah. I just hope they can pull something out of their ass. I already hear plots of boos and hisses. Good luck, you tossers.

= - =

Man, Notta Loan have pissed me off. In order to combat the extreme level of shite that they are no doubt going to spew forth, I'm going to set up my own band. I made this a wee while ago, as I expected to have this article up sooner. Alas, no such luck was had. But yeah, if ANYONE wants to help me in my mission to play one gig with Notta Loan, just one, that blows them and their stupid fringes out of the water forever, let me know via comment, message, or whatever. I need YOU to help ME.

Yeah, it'd be awesome if I could accomplish this. But I dunno, most people are so...passive these days. D= Oh well.

Plotting The Inverness Revolution One Day At A Time
~Kay DoubleYou

Well, here's the long awaited review for the Downtown Gig, because you're all too silly to have your own opinions and have to reply on my sharp, caustic wit to see you through. =)

Note: Those bastards from Brass Trap never played in the end. DAMN YOOOOOOOOOU!!!

Balletbox

As the show started, their dried up buzzard of a singer/guitarist, called Who The Fuck Cares What The Balletbox Singer Is Called, announced the band were splitting up, thus single handedly stealing the show. They then felt the inexplicable need to stay on for another ten WHOLE minutes, treating us to the horrendous pain of their entire catalogue (three songs). The swines. It was awful. The drummer was still pretty much hitting the drums when he could remember, the singer was having some kind of seizure while "emotionall" (read: awfully) screaming his horseshit about being inside your mind and dancing like that. Yes, the songs did meld together after a while.

The worst thing though was the singer's hilariously bad attempts at snappy repartee with the audience. If perhaps more than twelve people were there, it would have worked. But there wasn't, and he's still a dried up buzzard of a singer/guitarist. And DAMMIT, the bassist didn't sing! D=

Notta Loan

Dammit, you whores. I had everything placed on you. I thought you were simple, no nonsense "I hate my girl because she slept with another boy with more boxers showing" emo kids in a simple, but funny emo band. I was looking forward to a fun time. I was going to mope like the other scenesters and go home with some red-headed man/woman (I'm a scenester and have to have sexual ambiguity. Sexual ambiguity is so scene right now) with some bastardized Pete Wentz-like monstrocity of a haircut and have angst-filled shagging. You even had the much coveted position of "band after Balletbox", and should have sounded like fucking Mozart compared to them. But no! You had to go and be kinda...well, dull. The songs were just plodded out with little to no emotion (and in the emo scene, overacting your emotions is EVERYTHING). When the singer made a half-hearted attempt to appear emotional by clasping his hand to his heart, I actually laughed.

You were better than Balletbox, but you were still my biggest disappointment of the evening because I expected so much better. I expected bangin' choons, and ended up with...stuff. The song at the end was as good as the MySpace version though, and got me dancing. =D (A Tale Of Broken Glass, in case any of you hippies want to know)

On a separate note, oh God, that man's trousers. If they had fallen any lower, he would have tripped. Actually, that would be good. Would have made the show a lot more entertaining. "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH IT'S HURTING ME-*FWAM* OW. MY IMMACULATE FRINGE."

Ashes of Pale

Well, Ashes of Pale were placed in the unenviable position between who I thought would be the night's strongest contenders for Kyle's Official Band Of The Gig. But after the sheer disappointment of Notta Loan, I was expecting even less of this band. But oh God, this lot stole the show immediately. The energy was pretty fucking intense, almost ferocious (almost). I think there was like at least three hundred mosh pits per song, and even a stage dive from the lead singer towards the end of their set. There's not really much else to say, other than this band were amazing. The only problem with them was when they got Hipster-Jeans Man (the singer from Notta Loan. Fuck it, those jeans must stay up due to some sort of super power) on for a song. It was funny seeing him with all these metal heads doing his posing rubbish. IT AMUSED ME GREATLY.

QWERTY

I expected this band to completely storm this concert. I expected twenty encores and roses at the end. However, after the sheer glory that was Ashes of Pale, I wasn't so sure. Luckily QWERTY didn't disappoint. As before, I can't fault their musicianship, in which they rose above everyone else at the concert easily. Especially the instrumental, which was pretty damn awesome, although slightly overlong. The songs were as awesome as ever, and I got to hear a load of their stuff I hadn't heard before, all of which was damn good. In particular, Maybe It's For Oil was damn bitchin', with the bongo drum things (I dunno if they were bongoes, tabla or whatever they were) and a funky Egyptian riff.

So yeah, top marks for Qwerty too, even though they didn't play the Pirate song. DAMMIT I WANT ME SOME PIRATES. >|

Curio

First of all, for headliners, they played a shorter set than QWERTY. This amused me greatly, and made me happy. As emo bands go, they were better than Notta Loan for the simple reason that they seemed to be feeling the song more than them. Their obvious cashgrab mix of indie and emo did, I admit this, make me dance for a while. However, they were still pretty dull. Damn their hides, say I.

Oh, but the bassist blasted out a short bit from Schism, a Tool song, so he wins. =O

= = =

In other news, on Balletbox's MySpace, they say they'll be back next year with a new singer. Try for one with vocal chords next time, lads. =D

Checking My Fringe In The Mirror During Rampant Scenester Sex
~Kay DoubleYou

There's a concert coming up on Friday, 8pm at Downtown USA.

...>_>

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

It looks fucking hilarious. In case you don't know who's playing, it's the following:

Curio
Qwerty
Ashes of Pale
Notta Loan
Brass Trap
Ballot Box

YES. I GET TO SEE BALLOT BOX LIVE. They actually spelled their name WRONG on their MySpace. Just when I thought they couldn't suck more, they turn out to fail at English. Although, I did kind of guess when I heard their lyrics.

So anyway, because I am such a kind and generous soul, I will actually LISTEN to these pieces of pigswill and give my brilliantly witty opinions on them:

Curio

Ah, delightful. The darlings of the Inverness underground scene. Gleefully rising to fill the toilet shaped hole that the departure of My Dog Jym had left, Curio is probably the most overrated pieces of garbage I have heard. Blatently thieving off far better bands like Franz Ferdinand, they've managed to carve a "unique" sound consisting of...well, sounding like Taking Back Sunday. The only comment I really have on them is that it's hard to listen to them when they go from Franz Ferdinand-esque "Uhn-TISS-uhn-TISS" to "MY LIFE IS SO AWFULLLLLLLL" screaming.

"Lyrically, Curio focus on many events from horrible sites (sic) seen in Rio de Janeiro (former home of lead singer) to simply, depression, lost love and hatred of ex's. Taking these three into account, Curio sweep from heavy vocals of anger to melodic expressions of thought in their constantly evolving songs."

So basically, they blanket three gaping holes of angst into singing and screaming. Screamo. What a bunch of pretentious wank.

Qwerty

HOLY SHIT. This band are pretty good. The vocals are kinda lacking, however they more than make it up with musical ability. This is seriously headbanging shit. I recommend you go to see this band. Highly so. In fact, I like this band so much, I've linked to their MySpace. Click the Qwerty title thing. =O

Ashes of Pale

Both the songs on their MySpace sound kinda like Papa Roach mixed with Atreyu. Just like a mix of those two bands, the result sucks. Cliched riffs, boring screaming and general shittiness makes for an overall terrible sound.

Notta Loan

Oh my Gawd. Another band that doesn't completely suck. That makes two. TWO BANDS THAT DON'T SUCK. Yeah. This is hardcore, straight to the bones EMO. But it's actually pretty damn good. The keyboards are used very well, and the production makes me happy. =) Yeah, this is just generally a good band. SEAL OF APPROVAL THIS DOES GET.

Brass Trap

Holy shit. That's three bands that don't suck. To be honest, this band sound quite a lot like Electric Six by going straight for the crotch with simple, no nonsense rocking out. To be honest, it's not a kind of music that I like, but it seems that this band have the coveted position of being the band on after Ballotbox and will therefore be absolutely wonderful.

Ballotbox

I can sum up their music in a simple sentence thought by their Robert Smith soundalike of a singer when he was contemplating his work: "Oh deary me, we forgot not to suck."

So, yeah. This might actually be pretty good. I foresee Ballotbox sucking and Qwerty stealing the show. =O

Rocking out to Qwerty like a motherfucker

Kay DoubleYou~

Ok, what the hell? I decided to check out some random musical MySpaces and discovered that, to my horror, there are no good ones. At all. Ever. There and then, I decided to myself that I would educate the lesser peons who make these bands. So without further ado, this is:

The Definitive Guide on How To Make A Garage Band That Doesn't Suck

So, you and a few friends have decided to start a band. This may be for a variety of reasons. Perhaps you want to express the eternal anguish of being a middle-class suburban white teenager. Perhaps you want to get with that hot girl you sit beside in Chemistry. Maybe you're under the misguided delusion that you're a genius (you're not) whose words must be heard (they shouldn't. In fact, we should cut off our ears so we can never hear them). No matter what reason, your band will probably be shit. In fact, it will most definately be shit. I wish to rectify this situation. I'm here to guide you to make a band that's not only awesome, but fun to be in. So, here's how to do it:

1) Aural Pleasure

If I hear ONE MORE local band that sound like some generic emo-mallcore fucking shite like Taking Back Sunday, I will STAB SOMEONE IN THE FUCKING FACE. I mean, even Balletbox at least have the presence of mind to suck in a different way. Listen to your favourite bands, listen to local bands. What about your favourite bands is unique? What about local bands is the same as every other local band? Use these things as guidelines to come up with a unique sound instead of doing the usual thing and shit on the face of music.

In case you're wondering, I'm not insulting emo bands. I'm just insulting Taking Back Sunday.

2) Witty Title To Do With Naming A Band Goes Here

God dammit. Why do most band names suck ass. It's always something stupidly serious like "Floating Power-Rings" or "Comhla Rium Dona" (My Gaelic isn't particularly good but I think I just said "Bad Band" =O). I'd love a band name that didn't take itself seriously, or at least wasn't simply a load of pretentious wank. Something simple like "The Spades" or "The Bitch-Eating Cock-Monglers". Not fucking "Bleeding On The Shirt Of Desire". Actually, that's a pretty fucking awesome name for an emo pisstake band.

3) Lyrically Speaking

First of all, before you even attempt writing your own songs, PLEASE AT LEAST PRACTICE BEING A BAND TOGETHER WITH COVERS FIRST. I'm getting sick and tired of listening to bands that have all the cohesive qualities of a sock. In an ocean. Covered with weights. All the music sounds like "TJASDASDASDAS-*THUMP*-AKSDJKLAJSDKLJASKLDJAS-*OFFBEAT THUMP*-ASJDJASD". I listen to this and I long for a sudden bout of cholera to hit me so I can be taken to a hospital where they don't play this shit.

Once you think you gel well enough together as a band (You probably don't, but that's not important) and feel ready to write your own songs, please for the love of God don't have lyrics about the following themes:

I want her, can't have her, WOE IS MEEEEEEEE.

My life is awful cause I can't get stuff I want, emo tear! D=

BUSH SUCKS THE COCK OLOLOLO

You should totally write about something more awesome. I'd love to hear a song sung by a local band that glorifies a relationship rather than villifying it, or singing about how their life is now awesome. Shit, I'd even prefer to listen to Christian rock instead of "ANGST AND DEATH ABOUND IN MY SILENT TORTURE CHAMBER".

4) MySpace thinks YourMusic sucks

First of all, you have influences beyond "each other". Name them and stop being a fucking cock. Same goes for "Sounds Like". I don't want to "Let the music decide", I want to know what you fucking sound like. Now, when you're putting some songs on your hip MySpace profile, please have a recording that I can actually hear. The amount of songs I've heard that consist of "*mumblemumble* DISTORTIOOOOOOOOOOON *mumble*" pisses me off to no end. If you're going to torture our ears with your crap, at least make it audible crap.

= = =

I hope this guide helps you on the path of being in a band that doesn't suck donkey testicles. I'm doing it too; I'm in some folk-rock band with bagpipes and shit. Not a big bagpipe fan, but it gives me a chance to play with friends and improve my drumming.

Oh, and check out Mindless Self Indulgence for incredible amounts of awesome.

Managing to rock with bagpipes more than most MySpace bands

~Kay DoubleYou

So I checked my e-mails today and discovered I had a new friend interested in me, a friend in the form of a band called Balletbox (either a misspelling or a box with an ongoing ballet inside. I'm praying for the former), an Inverness band. I always make a point of listening to a band before I brutally reject them, and seeing as this was an Inverness band I prayed that they wouldn't be shite like a load of other bands that taint our music scene (Curio, I'm looking at you).

However, my faith was nearly shattered when I saw the profile:

Influences: Eachother
Sounds Like: Let the music Decide

What a bunch of arrogent cocks. However, I should maybe follow their advice. Listen to the music and decide then. It might be incredibly awesome. It could make me orgasm just by hearing the opening licks. >_> Well, maybe not, but you catch my drift. This band might be, dare I say it, good. They say they're Alternative/Indie/Rock. Kyle likes Alternative and Rock. =OOOO

Well, my initial suspicions were confirmed when I heard the two pieces of aural torture that had been put on their profile. The two songs, Dance Like That (50 Cent influence on the title?) and Inside Your Mind...well, let's just quote Dylan Moran on this one.

"I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know? Or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I dunno, a broom say, and dip in in some break fluid and put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving list and I would write a better song on the wall."

First of all, Dance Like That starts in 5/4 time before moving into common time in a complex movement that would make Tool proud. Oh wait, that's just bad timekeeping (more on the shitty use of instruments later). They finally find a rhythm after about twenty seconds. After another ten seconds of general bad instruments, we have...oh my God, it's Robert Smith singing! But he's become prepubescent, making it even worse. Plus, Robert Smith can at least sing vaguely in tune and when he doesn't sing in tune, you think it's because he's about to cry. Trust me, the only person crying when I heard this song was me.

So it plods along and then throws a surprise in the form of backing vocals from the bassist, who by the way sounds almost EXACTLY like the guy from the B-52s, Fred Schneider (I want to hear this band do a cover of Love Shack, with the Robert Smith-soundalike being the wifeys singing. That would be so awesome xD). This cranks up the evil tenfold. How the hell can you have someone who sounds like a man who sings about a Rock Lobster do emo lyrics? IT'S SICK AND PERVERTED.

The song's four minutes and forty eight seconds long. Eww, almost five minutes of this shite. Oh, and by the way. The lyrics are awful. I don't want to listen to it again to pick out the key lyrics (I've had to listen to it three times) but I remember the chorus having "I never knew you could dance like that." Ok, no one cares about this song anymore.

The other song, Inside Your Mind is an equally laughable attempt to sound rocking. It's more of the same, yet somehow WORSE. The lyrics are actually fucking dreadful. "Lights are wasted/at your game/as who you are/and what's inside/and I'm inside your mind (he repeats this for a long time, just in case we forget)/I don't want it to stop/but I can't help it/I'm inside your mind." Ew. EW EW EW NO.

Oh, and this song is four and a half minutes long, and I actually stopped listening to it after a minute, the song was that bad. The drumming is AWFUL. SERIOUSLY SHUT UP YOU WHORE. The bass drum seems to be thrown in random, and the timing is never good. It's like "Thud-duh DUH THUD...duh DUH." Eww eww noooooo. The guitar work is basic and kinda shoddy, although our Robert Smith soundalike is playing AND singing, so I can be slightly lenient there. I don't really know what the bassist sounds like due to the fairly bad recordings.

So yeah. I heard this and I instantly lost all faith in humanity. What a huge pile of pish. The singer can't sing at all, they can't play their instruments and their lyrics are so offending I might actually type them all out and print them just so I can use them as toilet paper. There is only one mitigating factor, and that's that they don't sound like Taking Back Sunday like most other bands in Inverness do. However, that's not enough for redemption. The Inverness music scene is a sewer right now and these idiots are the shits that rule the land. I've yet to hear a good band from Inverness. That terrifies me.

Damn, I might form a band just to spite those fucks and because we all know that Kyle lusts for popularity through the medium of rocking out like a motherfucker. I'd call it "The Blind Dead McJones Cock-Rangers" or at least not some really shitty name like "Bleeding For You" or "Burning Hearts" or some emo crap like that, and we'd play some made up genre like "Nu-Alternative-Psych-Pop-Metal-Rock" so no one could copy us. We'd play songs that take the piss out of other bands, and play bitchin' solos and NOT SOUND LIKE TAKING BACK SUNDAY. Shit, that would rock. We'd probably take over the music scene in a week. Probably. "THEIR SONGS DON'T STRIKE A CHORD IN MY TORTURED SOUL LIKE BALLETBOX DO"

Stating that Inverness needs more bands that sound like Tool, Smashing Pumpkins and/or System of a Down.

~Kay DoubleYou

PS: In case anyone wants to listen to them, I urge you to seek professional help. If you still want to listen to them, have a link.

Edit: Following some rather lovely comments as well as a message from someone I don't know (which is weird as I had this on Friends. I'm a legend though. Whee!), along with my hope that someone from the band will read this and either pull a big hissy fit or stop being shit, I'm making this entry public. Enjoy, people of the world! =D

And if there's any other bands you think suck or even don't suck, please don't hesitate in linking me to the profile so I can tear them a new one or give them righteous praise.

Well, Ive finally found a use for my MySpace blog. Im going to be using it as a place for me to review shit. Because we need more emo teenagers reviewing shit, dont we? Yes we do, indeed...

So, yeah. Our first meander shall be into the world of System of a Down, with their new album Hypnotize. Now, for those that dont know me, Im a massive fan of SoaD, and I was really looking forward to Hypnotize after the minor disappointment that was Mezmerize. I was really hoping that wed see a return to old school System, with the usual mix of insanity, politics and all that. Instead, I got...well, possibly the most biggest disappointment ever (for those wondering about the bad grammar, its a dig at Lonely Day. Check it out on their MySpace and pay particular attention to the chorus).

The album, clearly under the influence of too much Daron (former Guitarist, now chief lyricist who clearly failed English at Primary level), is riddled with emo lyrics (Dreaming), plain annoyances (Shes Like Heroin) and too much of Darons retarded 12 year old-sounding voice (EVERY SONG IN THIS ALBUM ALSDJKLASJDKLASJDSDA). Now, allow me to take you on a tour of this album:

Attack: Attack starts off with so much promise, with a really heavy introduction. However, before you can get into it, Daron bursts in with his nails-on-the-blackboard voice, like an unwanted cousin turning up at a party drunk and pissing in the punch. And then, when Serj finally starts, his voice sounds so devoid of emotion. This is supposed to be a song filled with rage and anger, but Serj just plods along. The only sound of emotion is the chorus, and possibly the best part of the whole album, Serj screaming ATTAAAAAAAAACK for fucking ages. But unfortunately, thats all. Disappointing opener...

Dreaming: I swear to God, this song is fucking schizophrenic. Like Attack, it starts off good. Heavy riff, and Serj singing with some actual passion. And theres NO SIGN OF DARON. Could it be? A whole song without Daron? Our hopes are further boosted by a Verse that boasts no Daron. The overlay effect of the verse is very nice, but both sets of vocals are done by Serj and some studio engineering. But then...the chorus. OH GOD, THE CHORUS. After the awesomeness of the hard and fast verse, we have the slow and, frankly, shit lyrics of Yoooooooou went beyoooond and you lost it allllllll, whhhhhhhhhhy did you go theeeeeeeeere? NO. NO NO NO NO NO. And then the Bridge...*twitch* After hearing Daron whining about how hes Dreaaaaaming of screeeeeeeeeeaming, I wasnt just dreaming. I was screaming SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPPPP!!! Just...awful. The verse is awesome, but the rest of the song ruins it. Oh, and it ends with the ominous words Bring the Dark Disaster. We dont find out what this Dark Disaster is, but its probably Darons solo album.

Kill Rock n Roll: This is the first song that doesnt disappoint. From the opener, you know its going to be a piece of soft, radio-friendly shit. And as for the lyrics, completely written by our English-failure Daron, theyre just crap. So I felt like the biggest asshole (felt like the biggest asshole!) when I killed your rock and roll (mowed down the sexy people!). What the fuck? And the song is apparently about a damn RABBIT that Daron ran over once. Thats no basis to write a song, not at ALL. This is just...wrong on so many levels. A song about a small, furry animal being squished should not be put on an album, dammit. But it was. And the song sucked.

Hypnotize: The title track of the album, this song is...so...BORING. Its slow, its dull, Serj once again has the emotional range of a tea-spoon while Daron seems to be trying to break glass with his overly high-pitched voice. And half the song is just the same lyric repeated over and over again. So, yknow, its boring. Its so boring that I cant even be bothered giving it a proper lynching.

Stealing Society: I actually can stand this song, even with the Daron solo from half way through. Its a fun, bouncy tune. The lyrics arent that shit. Darons voice is barely annoying. So, yeah. This song gets the first official DOESNT SUCK award.

Tentative: Shiiiit. Just when I thought the album was on the upward swing, this hammer of a tune whacks it back down into the cesspit. This is basically the epitome of what I like to call the Dramatic SoaD style. Deceptive intro, fast verse, chorus so slow you can cook a three course dinner by the time its over, even slower bridge that is basically Daron showing off going LOOK AT ME I CAN PLAY GUITAR!!! Yeah, we didnt realise. Thanks for clarifying. Yeah, this songs just so damn bland and unoriginal, it phails. n_n;;

U-Fig: When I first listened to this, I couldnt formulate an opinion on it. I still cant. Its that sort of song. The intros very much like Chop Suey!, but in 12/8 time. And then it has the obligatory LOOK WE DO FAST MUSIC verse, which is basically Serj screaming about shit I dont understand. But I dont care, cause hes actually gained some balls since Tentative. Yay! Then we have the slow chorus, naturally. The bridge however is kinda weird. It goes from sounding like the intro to CHECK ME OUT I PLAY CLASSICAL-SOUNDING GUITAR SOLO which sounds like it was just thrown in because the song hadnt filled a specific Retardometer rating or something. I mean, it sounds pretty good, but it doesnt sound like it belongs in this song. And WTFs up with the name U-Fig? U-Gay, more like. Hur hur hur, Im funny.

Holy Mountains: THIS SONG IS AWESOME. Seriously. Along with Vicinity of Obscenity and Stealing Society, Holy Mountains is one of the only songs of this album that doesnt suck completely. Its very much like Aerials, and Aerials is the best song ever. Its pretty atmospheric, has hardly any Daron murdering the song, and its five and a half minutes long. Which is groovy. =)

Vicinity of Obscenity: I think its kinda telling that the two best songs (IMO, but who elses music opinion counts?) on Hypnotize and Mezmerize are the ones with lyrics written by Serj. His lyrical writing skills are far superior to Darons in every way. Oh yes indeedy. Serj is better than Daron at everything except guitar playing. We know it to be true. But anyway. Vicinity of Obscenity is just so damn weird, it wins at life. Especially the funky disco bridge. =)

Shes Like Heroin: OH GOD. I dont know whether Darons trying to melt our brains with his voice in this one, but thats the end result of it. His voice just keeps leaping up and down on this song like a yoyo, dammit. And the lyrics are just retarded. Shes like heroin, sipping through a little glass. How the fuck do you sip THROUGH a little glass. Perhaps youd sip from, but sipping through? I smell shitty grammar. The music itself is annoying, sounding like the theme for a nineties cop show or something. All together now! ASS!!! Selling ass for heroin! The man is clearly a lyrical genius.

Lonely Day: And here we come to the big BASTARD. This song is simply terrible. It has Daron singing the whole way through, which in itself is satanic. And the song itself is basically a big emo rant about how hes lonely and how he has no friends, and did I mention that he was lonely? Well, he is, and he murders grammar itself to tell you. THE MOST LONELIEST DAY OF MY LIIIIIIFE!!! he croons while I try to kill myself to get away from the pain of this drivel. In fact, the only thing worse than the fact that the lyrics are shittier than a toilet during curry night in hell is the fact that the music is actually pretty decent. And as for the guitar solo, Jesus himself would be envious. The fact that this music was raped so horribly by the lyrics is just EVIL. The song itself ends with the sound of a bomb falling, and all I can hope was that it landed on the part of Darons brain that tells him hes skilled at writing lyrics.

Soldier Side: Ah, here we are. Lonely Day tried to be depressing, but instead just got Daron laughed at. This song, however, could destroy continents with its depressing ways. This song is basically Daron trying to write like Serj, and failing horribly. Once again though, the music is awesome. DARON STOP RAPING YOUR LOVELY MUSIC WITH YOUR EVIL BASTARD WORDS. But yeah, it sounds so stupid. Cruelty to the winner, bishop tells the king his lies is blatantly trying to rip off Serjs style of writing. It fails though, because Serj looks like a goat, and also because theyre not as flowing as his. Plus, its the most obvious metaphor in the world. EVER. I mean, shit, you could shove that in front of a two year old and hed work it out. So, yeah.

And so there you have it. So next time, when youre approached by a shady man in the street who offers to sell you a cheap copy of Hypnotize, say No thanks, Ill illegally download it instead because this album is officially a Shit Album.

(If you disagree with this, please e-mail me at this link that you should click now and Ill post them here for us all to laugh at.)