i believe we all have a few things in life that bother us, heres a short list of mine...
     1. ppl who leave hair in the shower drain
     2. ppl who run off at the mouth about politics but who don't vote!
     3. ppl who claim 2 be ur friends but who are fakes
     4. barack obama- need i say more?
     5. small minded bigots
     6.ppl who judge u at face value
     7. ppl who pretend to be one thing but arent.
     8. ppl who think being single is an affliction
     9.women who think theyre special or better than someone else, just b/c they have kids
    10. friends who only come around when they need something
    11. friends who betray the friendship, dont take ur side, etc, etc
    12. rednecks who purposefully act redneckish
    13. ppl who dont realize guns can kill u n that they shouldnt b around kids - at all!
    14. ppl who think theyre "religious" just b/c they go 2 church every now in then when theyre totally not
    15. ppl who judge catholics and the faith on what they see on tv or movies.
    16. reverse racism
    17. affirmative action

So, this mornings News Gazettes front page story! anyone else seen it yet? seems that this group of ppl have organized a group called citizens against alcohol to try and stop grayson county from becoming moist/ wet. these ppl say they are making a MORAL stand, yet they met in a church and opened with a prayer. i have nothing against any religion /beliefs. however some of these ppl arent even registered voters of leitchfield proper so they have no say in it anyways. yes, thats right if u are not a citizens who lives inside the city limits and is registered to vote ( IAM on both counts) then u really have no reason to be opening ur mouth. we have been hearing city and ciunty officials and personal accounts for two yrs of ppl who say we need economic growth in grayson co, that we need 2 create more jobs, etc, etc. They also talk about how once grayson county citizens graduate college most move away 2 persue their careers. tjis is because of these narrow minded ppl who want to kkep grayson county in the 1950s. ky is one of the only states that even still has "dry" areas. do these ppl not realize that they are only hurting the community they supposedly want to help? that the county is losing millions of dollars in revenue by not selling alcohol. also, when ppl travel 2 etown, boston, bowling green, etc to either purchase alcoholic beverages at a restaurant or packaging store, they buy not only alcohol there but food, gas, etc. i think that we should organize a group FOR making grayson co moist/ wet!!! if they can do it why cant we? ppl need 2 hear the otheer side of this! comments plz! the last time i checked we didnt live in a communist country so why do ppl in gc seem to think we have to live a certain way of life just b/c they say?

a quick search this morning has turned up more info on patrick murphy. those of u who know him know he is a former grayson co resident. i personally know him and feel physically sickened by this relatively new info. He is accused of raping and murdering 6 yr old coralrose fullwood, a resident of northport, fla, where he lived.
    Prosecuters may decided to seek the death penalty for him if it EVER goes to trial, hes been in jail over a yr now.
    They recently discovered videos of her rape and murder, said to be set at his home. an informant whoi was involved provided info.
    the father is also a suspect, and an eyewitness says he saw patrick and the father viewing child pornography @ the bar where the father worked.
    it is believed she fought, as patricks dna was found under her fingernails.
    several other children were also present on the video, being molested and raped, they say.


I find myself wondering why the father and others involved havent been charged witrh anything. i realize that patrick is most probably guilty as they have dna evidence. this scares me that i knew him and not what he was capable of.
    

this is a kinda serious blog so no fancy colors this time. i know ive said this alot but i am completely ready to move on with my life once and for all. i want to close the door on the past and walk thru the door that is my future. and, yes, this does scare the hell outta me but its something i have to do. my closest and dearest friends know that i had a very serious, controversial and volatile relationship that i ended a few yrs ago and that i still struggle with the effects of this. a very important and central person in my life refused for a long time to acknoledge that it ever existed and continues 2 remain friends with this person to this day. he recently told me that the ex revealed sum things to him and he now believes me. however, noone knows the full truth and they remain friends. he doesnt realize the pain it causes me that this ex remains a part of his life, but again, he doesnt know the full truth. so, now i find myself pondering if i should let sleeping dogs lie or if these secrets need to be exorcised from my heart and mind once and for all.
   i find myself wondering how i ever have a healthy relationship or even true friendships when i hide the things that make me who i am today from everyone. my deepest and darkest hours, the events that have caused me so much pain and reflection, noone knows these things. they are fundamentally part of me
  so do i reveal or keep 2 myself.. more l8r

so.... im just sitting here thinking and im in a really good mood today but someone always manages to piss me off. there are so many things going on in my life right now and so many questions. so im just gonna blog about em 2 see if that makes me feel any better. feel free to comment on any of it.
   first off, most of you know that my dad died a few years ago( july 22, 2005) and that this has really affected my life. sure, i was legally an adult when he passed, i even signed the papers to remove his life support. but i still feel the pain every single day. maybe its b/c he died only a month after a very close friend, someone i grew up with and who was my brother in many ways. it took me so long to deal with richies death, i jusrt avoided the fact that my dad was truly gone. i have avoided this little fact for years and only truly started to deal with it last summer. there is also the problem of questions my father left unanswered when he passed away. we grew up ( my siblings and I) knowing that both our parents had been previously wed. my mother had a child, my half sister from b4 my parents met. when i was about 11 or 12 i found out my dad also had a daughter from his first marriage. maybe its b/c my mom never wanted him 2 talk about her, maybe its b/c i have struggled my entire life to bond with my sister and now know it will never happen. but, i have always wanted to meet this other sister. in my mind we meet, feel this instant connection and share this sisterly bond ive been in search of my entire life. i knew itr wouldnt be that easy or that simple. my dad told me that he and his wife divorced for many reasons, they were young and stupid. They both cheated ( she with his cousin, supposedly), they werent in love, it was the 70s. regardless, they had a child together. he did what he thought was best at the time and signed all his rights away, alllowing her and her mnother a fresh start. they mopved away and her mother remarried, the stepfather was to adopt her. he told me she would not want 2 see him and that he had no right to ask her to after all those years. however, he told me over and over again, all thru my teenage yrs, i could finf her if i wanted. she was my half sister and i had a right to know. we talked about how his mom ( my paternal  grandma) convinced herself that tjis sister didnt exist, that she wasnt ,my fathers child. he assured me it was the opposite. he knew without a doubt that she was his biological child. my grandmother convinced my mom the same, that she simply didnt exist. b4 i could get more info or find her, my dad passed away and i was left with this gaping whole in my life and my heart. i held his hand when he died and felt his spirit leave this world behind and pass into the next world. i know in that instant, that i had to find my sister.
the funeral came, family came in. my uncle from ny was my dads only surviving immediate family, but he has several double first cousins from the louisville area. i have known these ppl my whole life, they are morr like aunts and uncles than first cousins. theres sharon, and christy and roger and wyne and donny. so imagine my surprise when they show up with someone the exact age my sister is supposed to be with the same name. tammy, who looks so remarkably like my father. Tammy, who is the exact age my hal;f sister would be. Tammy, whose children look exactly like my brothers children. Tammy, wh ive never heard of until this moment. they say you can feel a connection to someone the instant you meet them. you hear about it with love at first sight, about adopted children and their biological parents finding each other. well, when i meet Tammy, at my fathers funeral, i feel sometjhing so strong it cannot be explained. looking into hger eyes is like looking into my fathers eyes. I can feel, with every inch of my being, that this is my sister. i know without a doubt. when we ask our cosins, our uncle, they lie, they stammer. they say she never existed, that his wife never had a daughter, then, no, she did but she wasnt dads child. lies on top of lies, they shut us down. we know they are lying, dad has told us about tammy so many times, the lost daughter who i replaced. the sister ivce yearned to meet sii was 12 yrs old. shes right here, right beside me, the last link to the father i must now say goodbye to and they claim she never existed.
  I know different. i have not only my fathers word, not only this connection i instantly feel to this person, but there is something more. i have pictures. pictures of her at 3 and 4, and later, much after the last time my dad saw her. pictures of her at 8 and 9 and 10 with my uncles children ( HER COUSINS), a pictures of her with her mom and apparently little sister, with a note on the back saying ," To margaret, doesnt she look so much like danny?" if she didnt exist, if she werent my sister, then why would her mother send pictures to my grandma? why would she be with my cousins years after my dad and her mom divorced? Why would she show up at my dads funeral, having never been mentioned before?
   my mom says to leave it alone, shes not my sister.y cousins claim she belongs to them, a kid sister who they raised after their parents passed. then, wouoldnt i have met her, at least heard mention of her, sometime in my life? and im not the only one. my brothers feel it too. my sister inlaw saw the resmeblance. i wonder, dont they know how much they are hurting me? my dad is GONE, never coming back and they lie to me abouit my last connection to him. she and i got along, understood each other.  she comforted me when i felt revulsed by the touch of one more friend, the hug of yet another family member.
   I know, with all my heart and soul, that she is my sister, the sister i always wanted, the bond that i never had with the other half sister. i want to see her again, to prove who she is, to build a relationship with her. but how can i when noone will tell me her married name, where she lives. she was like an angel, swooping in to be there for me when i needed her most and then gone again, just like that. i may never see her again, may never know for sure, sciebtifically that she belongs to me. but my heart knows, and i know. shes out there somewhere. i need to find her again. i need a connection to my dad. my brothers have each other. my mom has the love they shared. all i have is memories of the father i lost too soon and a half sister who never has and never will love me. a sister who has resented me since the day i was born, simply b/c i was his daughter. shes mean and coldhearted. tammy was sweet and caring. i need this connection to my dad b/4 i can move on with my life. until then, im stuck at a crossroads. i cant go back to the days od daddys lil girl and i cant move forward. how cold i ever let myself love someone. have my own children, when there are so many questions about my past. i want to find her, i need to see her. shes my past and my future.
  until, then, i move forward, treading water, at a standstill. unable to live, unable to love, unable to lket go, unable to get close. i cant love, b/c anyone i love will be taken away, like my dad, like my sister, and i only want 2 know, why????
 
 

Ten People:

1. List some things you want to say to 10 different people but you know you never will.
2. Don't say who they are.
3. Feel free to comment, but don't confirm or answer anything.
4. Never discuss it again.

 

1. I love you so much and always will. I appreciate evrything you do for me and that you try 2 be the dad i no longer have. I wish u would have spoke up tough, regarding a certain person and protected me from him. I know u will always be there 4 me. you are a great dad and husband and most of all brother. thanx 4 everything you do, even though u piss me off sometimes.

2.I wish you were still here and i wish we had made a different decision. I wish we had never kept it all a secret, b/c now i feel an obligation to not tell anyone. I wish you had lived and were happy. You were so much more than a friend or lover. You were my everything in so many wayz and i miss u so much i think my heart will explode sometimes.

3. Im so glad u are back in my life. You are one of the only ppl who truly understands everything about me. U are the sister i wish bobbie jo had been and my best friend. U have been thru so much and i hope with all my heart that u find happiness and love again. u deserve it and so much more. You have came so far, never give up.

4. i despise the word hate b/c it is such a strong word, however, i DO hate u. U were suppose 2 be my best friend and u totally betrayed me. It didnt matter if he didnt want me, he should have been off limits. I tried 2 tell u he and i were sleeping together but u refused 2 listen, so its only ur fault. i feel no guilt for what i did, u deserved it, it was revenge. I hope u have a horrible and miserable life with him and u end up hating each other as much as i hate u. u drove me to do bad things i wouldnt have done otherwise and i will never forgive you.

5.i love you with all my heart, u are not only my brother but my friend. I dont no what id do w/out u. u will find the one someday and have the family i know u want. dont give up or underestimate urself, u are a smart, able and terrific guy.

6. u are one of my best friends and i consider u my cousin even though ur not. I love u and only wish others could see in u what i see- an amazing, brilliant, strong, confidant woman who can overcome anything and refuses 2 give up. U didnt deserve what HE did 2 u, and im so glad ur finally getting it back 2gether. i hope u have the kids u were cheated out of and u find the man who becomes the husband u deserve.U just have a few things yet to learn about life, love and family commitment, but you're getting there. 

7. I love you so much i cannot express it in words. U are my lil girl and i will do anything 4 u. i want u 2 have an amazing and great life and will do anything 2 make sure it happens. u will be an amazing woman someday and very successful. I hope all ur hopes and dreams come true and u never have 2 experience the hurt and heartache i have had 2. I love my lil skeeter bug!

8. u were my first nephew and i never knew i could love someone so much until the day u came into my life. U have taught me so much, even though ur sio young. All i have 2 do is look at u and i see all the good in the world. I would lay down my life 4 u. i know u will have lots of gfs when u get older, but i want u 2 remember 2 respect them and traet them like u would want boys 2 treat ur sister, w/ the dignity and respect they deserve. I hope ur dreams come true and u grow in2 the great man i no u can be. Follow ur daddys lead and u will become an amazing man that any woman would like 2 love. I love u with all my heart.

9. U are one of my best friends and a great mother. im sorry about evrything uve had 2 go thru with his daddy. i hope u find the right guy someday and get to have the family u deserve.

10. u are like a sister 2 me and i love u. how u act upsets me sometimes and u just dont understand certain things. sometimes u say things the wrong way and piss ppl off.  u also need 2 think b4 u tell ppl stuff, cuz somethings are better left unsaid. but we are family and i will always love u, no matter what happens.