So I'm feeling like a negative Nancy today, so I figured instead of staying a grump I'll think of things I am grateful for, and then figured why don't I write them down for future times like these..? so here we are.

her. the fall. lilly. genuine, wholehearted friends. having patience. people not just asking, but genuinely wondering how you are. people being ok with the fact that you have a cooky wacky random brain.... and also may be a bit clumsy. home cooked meals from mom. learning something new. traveling. not ever just 'settling' for something. different cultures. funny movies. crossing paths. being behind my camera. coincidences. old song sing alongs. smells that remind you of past times. doing anything out of the ordinary. cartoons and cereal. songs that make you stop and just listen. smiling. random drive to nowhere important. being content. campfires. finishing a good book. bike rides around Providence for 5 hours. scarfs from chili. our park. her laughter. doing something & not expecting something back. changing seasons. meeting someone new. being in love. the growth that comes from being hurt in love. hand written letters. helping, with anything. keeping a journal. compassion. a great conversation you didn't even know you needed. picnics. having a crush. meeting someone you know eventually you will fall in love with them. Polaroids. staying in bed all day watching movies. cuddling. eskimo kisses. warped up under the blankets on cold nights with her. sharing ice cream. my new found love for cookie dough. arizona ice tea. hot showers.

so much more.... but ok, your turn.

Here is my confession to life.

So I have come to the giant conclusion I have been the mess that I have been for the past year or so because I am unhappy with the way my life has been.

I work at a crappy job that doesn't give me any satisfaction or is relevant to what I want to do in my life so I took charge of that last night and today and applied to numerous job postings on craigslist, monster jobs, career builder, and yahoo! hot jobs.

Being at my job now makes me depressed and I really don't make anything substantial to even start saving money for the things I want and the money I owe to a number of people. I get mad at the littlest things and become snappy and immature in most cases just because I had a bad day at work.

I may be possibly moving back to my mothers house because I am unhappy in Providence. I haven't been happy for a long time and I think I stayed in the city for the wrong reason and could have been happy at home and still be doing what I was doing the last few months. All the while being happy because I was close to my family. I miss them more than anything. They keep me grounded and sane even on my worst days I feel normal being around a group of people who I know love me more than anything. That and I'll be able to save up money and not be making 400 and spending close to 550 a month on bills. Don't ask how I do it. Sometimes I don't even know how I get by.

I have met some amazing people who I will cherish forever and I have met some assholes and scum-bags from around here who have taught me a lot about life. I hold no grudges or animosity towards anyone who has ever crossed me. And if I ever crossed you please accept my apology now because I have a hard time apologizing to people in public or even thinking I ever did anything wrong. So I'm sorry if I ever talked shit or used your names in vein.

I really need to break out of my shell and just be the kid I was a year ago. I was fun loving and goofy. I love life and everyone in my life. Now I just hate everything and everyone and for no particular reason. I take things out on people and treat people like trash and show no love or care in the world for them when I have my mood swings. People stick by me and deal with it and I'm still trying to figure out why. I know deep down in my heart why but why would you go through the pain and agony to deal with someone who has the problems and issues I have. I want to fix everything wrong with me just so I can be happy and potentially make you happy again.

Someone told me that myspace ruins relationships because most young adult males cannot get over the fact if they are with a pretty girl that guys comment and say things that they don't approve of. Well I gotta agree with that because I let stupid shit like that get the best of me in more ways than one. I read into things to much and I think if I just took those things as compliments and instead of saying hurtful things I honestly doubt I would be writing this novel that no one is going to read. In a way I am doing this to vent and feel better about the situation on my own terms. I useto write all the time. I stopped awhile ago and I have no idea why and it feels good to get my feelings out and think about the life I have lived for the last year. I never vent and I keep things couped up inside me and then unleash them like its WW3 to whoever is near me at the moment I can't deal with anything anymore.

It just happened to be the one person that was sticking by me and loving me everyday. :(

The last few days I have done a lot to put an end to my antics and put the stuff in the past in the past and leave them there for good and try not to bring them up again. My brain is like a vast library of negativity and anger. I need to burn all those thoughts out of my mind forever.

This may be a shocker to most if not everyone who knows me. But I caved in and started seeing a therapist mainly to deal with past issues of my life and the current ones. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself now. I need to talk to someone and vent on a daily basis and not to just friends because their opinions are biased even if they do tell me good advice.

I need to get my life on track and I need to be happy before I can be with anyone or make anyone happy. I would love to battle this with Erinn and fight the battle head on with her but I think I finally put to much of a toll on her emotions and her mind. I want to fix that though.

I have hurt one person in the world that means everything to me because I was to blind to see my own issues and deal with my own problems while I was with her. I love her more than anything in my life and I will continue to be there for her and hope she realizes that I'm not going anywhere. The time we spent together since April has been the happiest times of my life even through all the chaos that I caused and I will cherish those moments till the day I die. I know what true love is because you taught me how to love even if I didn't show it most of the time.

I don't know if I can continue my photography without her by my side either. Some will say that is stupid of me others will call me an idiot. But no one knows the feeling when I picked up my camera when I was with Erinn. She was my inspiration to life. If anyone knows me well enough they can see the transformation my photography has made since April. She opened up my eyes to a whole new world when I was behind the lens. She became my muse, my assistant, my inspiration, my guiding light, and lots of other things that will be kept to myself.

I will eventually pick up my camera sooner or later once I feel happy again and this sadness passes by. I know I have talent. I know its what I only want to do in life. I will not throw that away. But right now its to hard to even look at a photo that I took in the last 4 or 5 months.

So basically all this rambling and confession comes down to my utter stupidity for not trusting anyone around me who loved me. For making assumptions and accusation when they were just playing out like a bad movie in my head.

I never meant to accuse you of anything or any wrong doings. You were nothing but perfect for me and my life. And I'm sorry I really threw it away this time. You will always hold a big spot in my heart and no one will ever be able to replace you, ever. I love you and I hope you realize how sorry I really am. My love will never fade or disappear.

So through all this I have learned a number of things.

One of the most important things I have to realize as an individual is that there is no single formula that defines the path to personal success. Everyone has different goals and priorities which means that no one formula is going to benefit every one of us.

Each of us requires different activities and attitudes to feel good about ourselves. We also have different natural strengths and weaknesses inherent to our personality type and each type has a different idea of what it means to be successful in the job world and with your personal love life.

Self knowledge is one common goal that will help everyone achieve personal success/growth. So many of us are so unsure about ourselves that we get hung up on somebody else's idea of what it means to be successful and are unaware of what is truly important to us individually.

This is very common because we are all influenced in many different ways by our own role models but we need to realize that their basic needs, values, and desires are most often quite different than ours and its up to us to determine what our own needs, desires, and values are and what that means in terms of our own perspective. Realizing what is truly important to us is a huge step in personal success.

By learning about our personality type and the types of others, we are empowering ourselves with an understanding of why people react differently in different situations.

This allows us to better accept and understand people's behaviors that are different than our own. However, as useful as it can be to understand the reasoning behind another individual's behavior we must take care not to use it as an excuse for our own. We must be aware of our own personality type weaknesses and try to conquer or control them rather than use them as excuses.

That basically sums up everything that I need to learn and control with in my own life.

I'm done with having people make my own life decisions and do this and that for me. For once I'm and taking control of my life and doing whatever I have to do to put a smile on my face.

You no longer need to think for me because I am thinking on my own now.



I love you. Please forgive me for all my wrong doing. I can't live with myself without you accepting my forgiveness.

So this past month or so I have had to deal with realizing that I have a lot of flaws and things that I need worked out in my head. I'm not perfect, no one is, and I have never claimed that I was perfect. It takes a lot for me to come to terms with who I have become and how I have hurt people, mainly Erinn, the one person who means basically everything to me.

I have been in this odd depressed funk for the last week or 2 for obvious reasons I don't need to dwell on. But in the last few days the grey skies and empty feelings have went away.

Erinn and I started talking again without me bugging her just to tell her I'm sorry about hurting her and putting her through living hell.
I had a lot of things going on and people filling my head with negative bullshit making me think what Erinn and I have is nothing. Well fuck those people and screw anyone who told me anything negative about Erinn in the last week. I think I know her better than most people who have never even uttered a single word to her.

So we went to our secret location spot that she showed me the second or third day of us seeing each other and sat on the swings and talked for over an hour I made her smile more than I thought I would and that feeling felt good :). I missed that feeling more than anything.

Last night was probably the most amazing night of my life in all 23 years of living. I told her I loved her and meant it with every bone and feeling in my body. I broke her heart once and I never want to do anything like that again. I fight for the things I love, that's why I have pushed so hard to see her. Many people think that was foolish or dumb of me to do so and I would have to agree cuz I was driving her nuts but it seems like my persistence is paying of haha.

We stayed up basically till 7 am and talked, watched a movie, and cuddled. It was just overall amazing.

I'm not gonna mess anything up anymore. She means the world to me and I can't see myself hurting her or making her cry ever again.

I know I hurt a lot of people and pissed off more throughout this whole ordeal and all I can say is I hope someday you can find it in you're hearts to forgive me and my past mistakes. Just know that ill never make her shed another tear as long as I live.

That's all. I'm done rambling on about everything.

I'm just at a extremely happy place and don't want anyone fucking that up.

Alright, alright. I'm having a hard time in life right now.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and I don't know where I'm headed.

All these thoughts in my head right now, these days, these nights. I once told myself I would never live to see the age of twenty one. When I reached the age I was surprised. Now I have no direction and I'm becoming a black hole in the sky.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand myself anymore. I don't know man. I really don't. All I know is that I need to start writing again or do something creative because I'm gonna have a mental and nervous breakdown.

Maybe it's thinking how much I wanted this or that, how much I have wasted in life. Or it dwells down to me being ultra paranoid about everything and everyones out to get me and hurt me.

I become scared and I end up alone. When I get depressed, I become an angry person and hurt those who care about me and make them run away. I end up sitting alone thinking about my life realizing I'm just ruining everything good around me.

This time I don't feel normally depressed as usual. This is different. This is strange. Maybe it could be that I have so much to do and so little time to do it. Maybe it could be that my dreams have all but gone away, disappeared and have become thin and pain in the ass.

How can I do this and that, I think I have reached the point that I know I will never be able to have certain things, and it will never be enough to attain them. Save that dreams come true shit for some middle America Oprah show reject who gets something for fucking nothing. It must be nice to get hand outs from people. No one gives me shit. I work to pay all my bills. Everything I own I have bought with my own money. I pay for my own college.

I just need a fucking break. A break from reality and life.

This is clearly going to get angry, and I don't really want to go there. Just know that if I am pissing off people I talk to, I am sorry I don't out right mean to hurt feelings or twist shit up.

I don't mean to make up horrible scenario's in my head. I just do it because I'm afraid.

I got problems and that is the problem. I'm slowly working on them so I don't make certain people cry anymore. I can't do that to them anymore. They mean to much to me. She means to much to me..the world to me... and I am destroying everything we could potentially have by being what I have become.

My life has become to far routine. It's the same bullshit everyday. I want something new. I hate sitting around watching life pass me by.

I have also come to the conclusion that I have 4 real friends. No one ever wants to hangout or do anything. No one calls or texts me anymore to make plans. It's kinda annoying when I go out of my way to help people all the time whenever they need me but whenever I need anyone they are not there.

Blah.

So I have noticed this thing about me lately (with the help of someone special she opened my eyes to it), I tend to get very very stuck in the past. I think this prohibits me from moving forward in my life. I think that everyone that has fucked me over has screwed with my thought process. I over analyze every situation and think the worst will come out of it even though deep down I know what's going on is perfect and nothing bad is going to happen. I also tend to allow the choices that others make in their lives, effect how I live mine. i think it's time for me to stop this, and to grow up, at least a little bit or get over my issues and not let them screw up the present. I will smarten up and figure my own shit out on my own time because I'm not gonna let it mess anything good that is going for me right now.

So anyways onto some cute stuff.

I recently met an amazing girl, Erinn, but obviously most of you know this or see the pictures. We met a little over a month ago and I really couldn't be happier. Even though we have known each other for such a short time it seems so much longer. She has a genuine heart which is hard to find these days and shes really driven and down to earth. Shes kinda beautiful to but thats obvious. She really makes me smile every day and I feel human again when we are together and not like a piece of shit that some people made me feel. She makes me feel like I actually mean something to her. Most people don't ever get that close to me probably because I either won't let them or I know they aren't anything special. But she means the world to me right now and she knows this. Shes kinda made my life turn upside down in a very good way. She brought my to NYC and the trip was amazing. I had the best time in a long long time while we were there. Shes just amazing and I can't really explain with words. Just know I'm forever smiling these days and nothing and no one will stop that.

I have been fucked over and have fucked over some people in the past and I don't want to go through anything like that again. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore either so I'm sorry to anyone that I may have hurt, you know who you are I don't need to go into full detail about it.

Now onto the shitty stuff...

The last few months have been rather shitty because of a few particular useless people in the world. I really wish people would see what their true colors are but people are to blind to even care. Either that or these particular people lie and just try to make themselves look good in everyone else's eyes all the while talking shit about me and making everyone think I'm an asshole. Keep at the rate you are going. People will find out soon enough how shitty you really are. I have kept my mouth shut for awhile about it but now I just don't give a fuck so if people ask me about it I will tell them the truth and not lie anymore. So if you really wanna know the truth just ask me and don't listen to stupid shit you think you know is the truth.

I really truly don't care anymore what people say about me anymore. I have figured out who to trust from around here and who is really a friend. Which is very limited to like the guys I live with and no one else lol.

Most of the people around Providence are shitty people anyways going nowhere with their lives and I don't want to be a part of that. There are a choice few who I actually care about and think are decent people. But none of you k actually tried to get to know me. So until you get to know me continue listening to useless bullshit bitches talking about me. You people never even tried to get to know me you just assume because of what you may have heard.

I could kick myself now for doing this to myself, again. But I guess everything happens for a reason. Although this one seems grim, I’m hopeful that the pieces fall into place like they have so many other times for me. Besides, if I still don’t like it after a little bit, I’ll just forget everything, has hard as that is to say, it’s a must.. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again. I just need to shake this down feeling and try to see the good in this.

Keyword : Try.

I’m not perfect, and my life has never been either. I’m just wishing for something to make me happy again. Something that will stay, and I won’t have to walk away from. Something that feels right.

I keep typing "someone" instead of "something."

It’s like my mind can’t get over the idea of a relationship, a girlfriend. Well, what the hell with that crap. The only person I would even consider right now is light years away, and it’s not like she’s even sure of it right now. I hate sitting idle and waiting. Hoping. That something will come out of all this insaneness from the last few months. And it’s not like I’m stressing to have a girlfriend. I just don’t want to play that game anymore and messing around with random girls, not that I did that all the time either. I just want something stable. Someone to find myself with and grow with. Someone who cares and loves me equally as I do them.

Fuck.

Someone hit me in the face with a shovel.

I’m just going to keep complaining about this until something better comes along I suppose. Doubt that will happen to me in a long time. This feeling is one in a million. I know I know "Dustin your so negative".

Shut up and live my life. Then tell me otherwise.

I just want my friends here with me. It’s too hard without them.


Currently cleaning Reese’s out of my bed. UGH!


Yesterday was like a dream that I wish I never woke up from......



I just don’t want my heart played with any longer.....

I am in the process of learning to be on my own, and not be surrounded by people. I need to understand that I do not need to be surrounded by people in order to be happy.

I don’t trust people very often. I know that not many people are there to make sure you are okay so I like to keep things inside. Prove to me you’re worthy and maybe I will share some things with you.

I am learning who I am and everyday it makes me a better person. I am determined to be the best person I can be no matter how long it takes to get there. I have a goal for my life and I am working hard to get there. Growing older is not easy but everyone goes through it.

Even though on the inside I may not always be happy; keeping a smile on my face helps. I know that showing myself I can enjoy life will make me feel happy. Happiness is one of the most important things in your life, and it helps to achieve this level while you’re still young.

I love to talk, I actually get told I talk way too much. I love conversations about anything and everything so start a conversation and you will be surprise. I laugh way too much for my own good and am always trying to make others happy. Seeing others smile because of me makes me feel better inside.

Writing is my escape. I recently started writing again every night because I a lot has happened to me in the past week. I love to expand my knowledge and every time I write it gives me a new perspective on life and others lives.

Get to know me, I am not a bad person.

 I'm happy...sometimes..usually less frequently these days.

I know.. things go up and they come down.. but... where do I go from down?

Up.

So .. up it is and I'm in a great mood....but then they go right back down...and I realize life sucks more than ever.

Sure.. not a lot has changed except my attitude..which I've come to realize is a shitty one to boot...

when emotions slap you in the face.. you make them give you a backrub afterwards...

Makes sense? to me ... sure...obviously

I just have to remember that no matter what anyone thinks.. It's about how I feel that matters.

It's hard.. sometimes I put others before me so much.. that I forget that I'm there somewhere.. in the back of the line.. waving.. saying: "heyyy! back here! I'm important too!..."... usually happens to me everyday.

That's a funny thought.

We're all selfish sometimes.... but thats normal..I think....

All we care is about ourselves and our self interests...

But I mean..daaang.. don't over do it..but...

Sometimes... I feel like its a part of survival...

Like treating others like you would want to be treated....and usually I'm an asshole so people shit all over me..and I'm sorry :(

or learning to love someone.....

or share your life or time with someone...

I mean..what happens when you get close to anyone?? a friend even..or just a girl you meet

It's almost like putting your heart on your sleeve and sayin: 'here I am.. this is me.. what do ya think?' haha

even if you fuck up and they never talk to you again...shit happens....

take me or leave me...they usually leave.

I take rejection a lot better than people lying to my face....or setting me up for things never to come....

I've opened my eyes and see who my true friends are and who mean the most to me...

another funny thought.

....but really... it's trust.

It's learning to trust enough to let go and just be yourself....I've come to realize this in the last few months...

It's very special when you find someone like that.. a friend.. a girl you think is amazing....the girl at dunkin donuts who makes my coffee..

Just let go.. and trust....

and sure....I get hurt..or hurt others... but its all life lessons...but I usually do it to myself

I put myself in those situations and get set up to get hurt

There's a lesson in everything that happens to us.... the trick is just to figure out what it is...and roll with it.

..... maybe it's to learn something new about yourself.. discover a strength..or a weakness... it all a part of this great big puzzle..

Yeah I mess up and get nervous over everything and anything....then try to fix situations that usually aren't fixable.....

So I just roll with the punches....

This "life" thing....

Don't take it too seriously..and treasure it with all you have..


My early morning ramblings...are over.. haha


If you think this is about you ...then it probably is.