I used to be quite shy and introverted. I don't feel shy anymore, I don't feel introverted anymore. Extroversion, I've learned, is definitely the way to go.  I used to consider myself quite the anarchist, now I'm no anarchist, not at all, I have no interest in politics, my only interest in politics could be an intellectual interest and I rather have an interest in other things. I used to smoke a lot of marijuana, now I hardly smoke it.  I used to dislike living in Pittsburgh, now I embrace it.  Next Summer I'm going back to Prague and it is going to be fine as hell there.  I used to really want a girlfriend, thought I could not be happy unless I had a girlfriend, now to be honest I really don't want a girlfriend, unless she was quite the substantial person I would, I'm confident, end up hurting her feelings pursuing what I want.  I used to be rather unhappy a large portion of the time, now I almost always feel happy, these changes are for the better I think?

I made a new blog.  Readers of it should get some idea of my musical taste, my political views, and can read my poetry.
 
http://christopherammons.blogspot.com/

Christopher Spojeni Statu

Christopher likes Tchaikovsky
Christopher likes Zeleny Chai
Christopher doesn't like you
Christopher looks down on you
Christopher likes to say je suis un voyou
Christopher likes Suduku
Christopher likes musician faces
Christopher likes angry mood
Christopher's life is blue
Christopher shouldn't want to need you
Christopher likes ecstasy
(given free by Chenda, quite espesecially)
Christopher likes ecstasy - dancing with shes
and he's. Christopher isn't to please
Cats are parasites, they make Christopher sneeze
Lost in literature is where C likes to be
(looks where rare Chris, usually, is)
or Bach or Berg or Bartok
Chris likes la femme qui headbang Bach or Bartok
Christopher looks down on most music - big shock
Christopher is locked in a dungeon
Bukowski is one source of fun
Chinaski isn't one
Christopher isn't done
Dans etas unis Christopher is quiet one
Christopher isn't very fun to be among
Christopher sings, Christopher shuns, Christopher comes along
Christopher doesn't cum nor does he hum, can Christopher have some?
And Christopher likes bread and rice
Christopher is no cook,
Christopher must always read books
And Christopher likes spinning
Christopher likes being loud
Christopher really says - fuck you crowd
Christopher wants drugs now
Christopher likes tasting clouds
here's Christopher! Refined and sour!
Christopher once saw a goddess
Christopher really likes chess
Christopher won't be happy until he is among the best - artists
So imagine my dungeon
Likely lady we both got fun ones
Admirable lady! Christopher done If you decide to like me Christopher's then won

In December I am moving back to Pittsburgh for sometime, after living in Europe for a year and a half.  It has been the happiest period of my life, the living in Prague, leave life to be as fucked up as it is to return to Pittsburgh in the middle of it's miserable winters, in the midst of the worst economic crisis in 70 years, but returning to Pittsburgh for some inordinate amount of time is what I want to fucking do.

So anyway, I dread to live with my parents, in almost all the nightmares that I have I am confined to the suburbs living in my parents room. So priority number one when getting back to Pittsburgh is finding my own space to live in, somewhere in the city.  So if you, close friend, friend, or person I have liking for who is reading this are yourself looking for a new roommate, or if you know of people who are looking for a new roommate, you will be really helpful to me if you put me into contact with them.  Concerning this, I must say, I fucking clean, and I play beautiful music, also late in the night as well as the other parts of the day.  So I hope I find someone to live with who I would get along with, rather than being thrown together with some stranger I don't know and might not share many common interests with.  So yeah, and fuck yeah, I'll be a grateful fucking dog if you can help me out with this, close friend, friend, or person I have real liking for.

In sincerity,

Christopher Ammons

 

 

 

My life as it is contains a damn large load of unhappiness. There is sadness less so much, but a lot of unhappiness. I don't like the unhappiness, it is not necessary part of literary genius. The unhappiness hinders literary genius, attentional focus is reduced in unhappiness, memory is reduced in unhappiness. There isn't much beauty in a bitter irritable lonely man.

 
This is why there are abundances of unhappiness in my life: I do not have a close friend who is a woman to communicate with, not right now, and usually not.

 

This is what happens: my mood is first pleasant and I have thoughts. There isn't close female companion to speak these thoughts to. I observe other people who are communicating with other friends and it brings my mood down. Especially when I consider that I am a literary genius, and the thoughts are special. There are many woman who'd be damn pleased to spend a lot of time alone talking with me.

 My life now, in Prague, it has come to this: being able to find a woman who will decide to befriend me appears as unrealistic as going to a club and getting a girl to bring home and fuck. 2/7^th of the week I am at a height where there is some realistic possibility of finding close woman companion. When the peak is finished I am faced with 5 days where I know I will be suffering and removed, alone.

 When the height has passed, I have a quite limited capacity to enjoy talking with a stranger. Stranger who usually has friend circle, stranger who I usually can't empathize with and who, somewhere, is looked down on. I do fucking look down on most people I have much better taste than most of them, my mind is stronger than almost all of theirs, and my understanding of reality is more accurate, more developed. There exists theoretically quantifiable amount of love-feeling in a person, as there is theoretically quantifiable amount of mental energy. After the height, the peak, on the weekend, my amount of love feeling is rather low, and coldly guarded. I envy lovers. (With the important exceptions of Čenda and Bryn, my friends.)

 Lastly, my mind works best, ideally, when I solidly have decided to want to do a single thing, and zone the rest of reality out, except for doing that one single thing. After the height, most of my waking time the single dominating want is to have a close female companion, but I cannot get this, so I'm left wanting something I cannot have, literary genius recedes and my mind becomes clouded, I'm left to be a pitiable lonesome and uncared for person. Life in Prague is like Brahms – free but alone.

I made a facebook account

it is considerably more honest an internet profile than this one.

If you have a facebook account please add me as a friend, my name is Christopher Ammons!

!! I left for Europe almost a year ago to the day. The flight was on June 4 2007. Well, it has definitely been the most important year of my life, I've written three books and started a fourth one which will be among the best of the books I complete writing in my life. I've learned well how to hallucinate faces, smells, and bodily sensations and have looked at many hundred paintings and read dozens of great novels. Some great poetry written, many dozens of great art films watched. And something happened on last Thursday that made me feel incredibly sanguine.

Teaching English is a great job. It brings out something very nice in me, it forces me to give love to real persons. I don't mean that I love any of the persons I teach, and definitely that I am not in love with any of the persons I teach, but I give out love. The relationship is a business relationship and this is nice because I learn a lot by having many professional business relationships with people. Well, yes, it is a giving out of love, when you correct a mistake in someones speech it is most effective when you do it with a feeling of care for them. Teaching English has done so much to show me what is necessary to produce great art. Each week I must do writing for people and the writing is the best when I am trying to impress them, when I am trying to show them things that they might not know. One week I put so much love, so much beauty into the work i wrote for my students I couldn't share it with them, it was an 800 word poem and short story, but really before these a pedological tool. Anyways, lots of love. I find it very hard to find anything criticisable in a person wanting to learn English, not because it is my native language but because it is necessary to communicate with persons for Europeans publically and privately. What can be said about most teachers is that they are loving persons because the job requires you to have love for persons, without love for persons you tire out, so if you are a good teacher you eventually decide just for self perservation to feel love for all your students. Well, yeah, and it is nice to only spend about 20 hours a week at work, it is ideal for me a person who had not had a real job until he was 24 and who likes to spend most of his time reading. It is great, on weekends now I sometimes spend 10-12 hours of the day reading.

And well, I realize that I am foremost an artist and an anarchist. (Also an atheist, but that is much less important than the other two.) Any person who is an anarchist I decided I want to approach with unconditional love and I would probably feel the same to most serious artists. The thing I dislike most about Prague (not Praha) is how Burgeois it is. It is a right wing town and I am an anarchist quite far to the left. I miss anarchists, if nothing they are my own type. Oh, well, back to reading my 511 page novel I am only on around page 80 and I'm planning ..ing it before Saturday morning. Goodbye.

I am moving to Portland in September. Before doing this I shall spend some time in Pittsburgh. I will hope to see many of you again, for a little bit. I'll certainly fill you in with details as things develop. 

Well, I have to say that it has been a happy year living in Prague. If there ain't a very social existence at least I can say I am industrious in some realms. As for being an English teacher I really can't complain about the type of the work.  I still have to think about the type of job I want to take on when I return to America.  Something maybe that doesn't involve people very much.  Well, it will be very different when I hear everyone talking and understand what they say because I'm used to not understanding what most of the people around me are saying.

When I think about how I was in Pittsburgh it is back with a gloomy regret, the last several years rather. It's something I don't like about myself that I often was very gloomy I certainly have become a more cheery person lately thats for sure. If anything I hope that "George and Eva" will be humorous though the brand of it would be rare, well, and preferred.

Well, I have many favorite people in Pittsburgh, I look forward to see-ing you in early September.

Well, life is rather nice. I am very industrious at work I find its my nature to be a hard working person. 

Life is more solitary than before when most of you have known me. I have one friend and even that can seem too much sometimes. I have learned its usually not a good idea to talk seriously with people and when I talk with people I often do the utmost to be nonsensical or to make my English impossible for them to understand.

It is a nice life though, I find people are rather universally kind.

Life is uneven, lots of coffee and beer and the such.  I say to people I am sort of manic depressive but not actually. I call them peaks and pits. I get a peak and in the peak I will only sleep maybe 10 hours over the 50 hour period.  This is when most of the writing is done. When I am in a pit I have much less energy and a rather foul mood, it doesn't matter because its never taken out on anyone. 

My job is to teach English, as I'm sure most of you have figured. Well, the job is satisfying but I in no way see it as some type of life's work.  

Most of my students are adults, who are older than me, I sit ina room of two or three of them and listen to them speak English to me and correct their grammatical mistakes. I can say honestly I like everyone who are my students but it is definitely not leisure or fun to talk with them.  I have trained myself to be very reticient and silent with them and that is how you satisfy the persons and do the job effectively, you don't talk much. It takes something out to listen to people for twenty hours a week, many of them who I probably wouldn't form a friendship with if it was a different context. 

A thing I like about teaching Engilsh is that it is like being a writer. I am paid, in a sense, to be a writer. Each week I write 90 sentences and I read these sentences with my students besides the four books I have written about 2000 seperate sentences in English since starting to work in Prague.  I find articles that are interesting and I read them with the students. Each week I think of about 15 questions to ask my students and I simply listen to them and corrct grammatical mistakes. Well, it is interesting, to just think of 15 questions to ask people and hear all the different ways they are responded to. 

But yeah, it is a rather dour solitary life much of the days to be honest. I am alone and I read novels (often when walking! of course!). The novels are important to me, I think about the novels. I think about my own a-lot. It is really the treasure of my life.  Well, I realized to write a novel is like just telling a big interesting lie to people, going on about people you have made up in your head. 

Either in June or September I'm going to move back to the United States. I'll spend a few weeks in Pittsburgh but I definitely want to live in a different city, somewhere I haven't before. I am welcome for ideas really.

Yeah, and uh, Czech, Czech is a part of life. I am adept enough at it to get by. Compared to Americans Czechs are more reserved. It's very rare for someone to come up to you and just start talking to you, this almost never happens while it happened of course all the time in Pittsburgh. Anyways, love to hear from any of you who beholdeth themselves in my heart dear.

and I think in mainstream american politics there is no left wing. There is right wing and far right wing. There is extreme right wing and there is right wing with liberal icing. The senators and congressmen who are remotely left wing are spied on by the government, put on no fly lists and all of this. I think it is a better idea to fight the American government than any attempt to join it or to reform it. Meaningful political change usually happens this way. Ideally there would be something like a general strike, I think, and the government would be mostly reconstituted from the bottom up. Most people think us socialists are really naive, but it is TRULY naive to think that supporting and helping the democratic party is going to make America or the world a better place. It isn't. I mean what ticks in your head honey? in 2200 do you hope that America will have a two party system? War with Iraq would have been very likely if Al Gore was president also and John Kerry incessently, joyfully, talked about the need to hunt down and kill terrorists.

Guess who are the terrorists? Is it not obvious to you? I hope it is obvious to you because it is very obvious to me. Honestly, if you do not know who are being the biggest terrorists I have to say you as blind as a fucking bat!

I mean if you are an eight year old boy and you think America has a mission to go to the middle east and make it a great place thats fine. I had similar beliefs when I was an eight year old boy. Almost all people in the middle east hate the American presence they are not going to suddenly turn around and develop a great affection for the heroic American altruism. Yeah, you really are fucking naive, I could say even brainwashed, if you think that the Ameriacan state cares about cultivating democracy in the middle east. For more than fifty years the American state has been funding and maintaining many of the dictatorships in the geographic region. Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait because he was tricked into thinking that George Bush 1 approved the idea. Well, maybe George Bush II believed the war would create a democracy in Iraq but George Bush II has the mind of a 12 year old boy. Hey!!! Remember those crazy idealist people who would march on the streets and argued that very bad things would happen if war with Iraqi people was made?? What a bunch of naive bastards thinking that war with Iraq should not be made because this actually constituted a crime of war.

They are even more naive when they talk about the need for social healthcare!!! (Everyone knows America has the best healthcare system in the entire world!)

Really, what bullshit, if you think the American government really cares about stopping terrorism you been brainwashed - this is how goverment brainwashing actually works. American power thrives on terrorism and Osama Bin Laden. Most terrorists who have made attacks on America were once on CIA pay rolls afterall. Many people in many countries, including America, they knew much beforehand what would happen on September 11th 2001. Very likely the September 11th attacks were known up to the highest corridors of the government, possibly not, but probably.

America has power in the middle east because Americans are very good at killing people - hundreds of thousands of Americans are trained well to kill and bomb. What does it really matter if 500,000 or 1,000,000 Iraqis have been killed numbers of these misery of this size is actually incomprehensible. And because of all of this killing and suffering Iraqis are sure to be killing Americans for as long as Americans are there. Americans want to stay in Iraq for 20 years it is very likely that they are going to be being killed for 20 years. I cannot say this killing is a bad thing - when people have their loved ones killed for bad reasons they avenge. If you were an Iraqi and a man not a woman you would probably be or have become a very violent person.

So yes, dear Americans, instead of calling socialists naive I think you should consider anyone who does not believe George Bush I and II should be in in prison or worse as naive. This is what genuine naivety to me. Crudeness. Unawareness of actual reality. It is quite a war crime also that as many Americans have died as they have but it has to be said that the magnitude of this suffering is minimal in comparison. It is also criminal how much money goes into the military when the amount of this money could indeed make the lives of many americans much more happy and much more full.

And if you think I think these things because I have a negative personality then you are a 10 on the richter scale of clueless. If you think in this way I probably do not want to know you.