Awards and Accomplishments:

• All time World Hide and Seek Champion. I've never, ever been found. They say it's because they hate me so much they don't even want to find me. I know the truth however, they are just intimidated by my skills.
  
• Appeared on "Lowered Expectations" four times
  My last date through them
  
• Earned $4.3 Million as the poster child for Trojan Condoms
  
• Holds record for most money spent on McRib sandwiches; $5.8 Million
  
• Mono-Lingual
  
• Can tell the differance between Butter, and I Can't Believe it's Not Butter
  
• Finished the "Grandma's Marathon" in 17 days, 4 hours, and 18 minutes.
  
• Holds record at differant comedy clubs for longest time on stage at a without a single laugh, chuckle, giggle or guffaw.
  
• Invented Myspace, but that bastard Tom stole my idea when I told it to him at the strip club. Now he has millions of friends, and all I have is a Tickle Me Elmo.
  
• Voted Most likely:
  
  
  • To have to resort to marrying a cousin
    
  • To be buried alive by an angry mob
    
  • To always fall for the "Got your nose" gag.
    
  • To die during masturbation. (But they were just playing the odds there I think)
    
  • To kill or be killed over a Buffalo Wing related dispute.
    
  • To die a virgin (we proved them wrong, didn't we Cousin Gertrude!)

• I'm trying to take over Social Securtiy. Then, rather then sending out checks, I will sent out bills, and thus will become the richest person in the world!
• To treat all the thongs manufactured with a themo-reactive material. When worn, the thong will contract. The ensuing chaos of the world workforce constantly battling wedgies will cost the world economy billions and billions of dollars a day!

• ...Plumbers Crack became the next fashion trend.
• ...Cooties was a legit disease.
• ...Of all the religions, Scientology got it right and The Story of Xenu is true?
• ...Elton John isn't really gay, but just pretending to get the extra publicity?
• ...O.J. and Micheal Jackson were actually innocent?
• ...There was a Planet inhabited by Wierd Al's?
• ...Weird Al's style of hair was the next rage?
• ...Bush is the most intelligent President we have for the next 50 years?
• ...Clarinet solos become the next big thing in Metal?
• ...all the curses in myspace bulletins came true. That people died all the time, had bad sex or none at all and just all sorts of nastiness happened to them. Wait a minute...

• Go Car shopping and tell the sales person you don't care about any features, except for how many dead midgets you can fit in the trunk.
• Whenever something happens, say someone dropping their pen, yell out "We are all going to die!" Act accordingly.
• When at the Mall, buy your merchandise, and if they offer free gift wrapping take it. Tell the wrapper that you are going to be SO surprised when you open it.
• Write all your numbers in Roman Numerals. Bonus points if you are a accountant or Math Teacher.
• Take a car from a dealership for a test drive, and try and use it as a trade-in at another.
• At the slightest difficulty or frustration, throw your arms up in the air and yell so that no less then 5 people hear you, "That's it, I can't work like this!" and storm away. Coming back is optional.
• Pick a word, any word, and everytime someone says it, bark quietly like a dog. Deny every making any noise.
• Go to a Middle School, stand at the bike rack with a sign that says "Used Bike Sale"

• When you look at a list of ingredients, why do they list "natural flavors"? If it's truly natural, wouldn't it be a part of another ingredient. You add sugar, it has the taste of sugar, that's natural. But if you add it, therefor having to list it seperately, isn't that unnatural? What exactly are these unnatural flavors? That could be anything! I thought my Pepsi tasted a little like monkey urine.
  
• What was going through the minds of the people that make the "Elect John Doe" campaign signs you see in yards? Do they really think that works? Like someone comes walking along and sees a sign "Elect Donkey Kong" and they think to themself, hey, that sign is right! If that were true, I could put a sign out, "Have sex with Terry" and I'd be waist deep in the ladies, but guess what, it doesn't. So lonely...
  
• When someone pulls forward at a stoplight, why do we always take up the slack? Is moving forward a foot and a half that important? Why do we do that, everytime!?!? Now I pull forward just to mess with people. Pull forward six inches, watch the person behind me pull forward. As soon as they stop, pull forward again. Repeat until I run out of room, or I get t-boned by a car in the interesection.
• How is it that we can put a man on the moon, send probes to the edge of the solar system, alter biological life, create artificial ones, create computers that can calculated Pi to trillions of places, but we only can make alarm clocks that allow you to adjust the time up. Seriously? It's beyond our capability to make a damn down button?? I bet the alarm manufacturers laugh at us all, knowing that we have to cycle all the way around again after going on number past the one we wanted. Jerks.
• How is that Fem-Nazi's can whine and cry about a womans right to choose how to live her life, yet cry and whine when she chooses to use it to be a stripper or a porn star? Hypocrites.
• How did they know Jesus' middle name started with an "H", even though no one knows what it stood for?
• Do sumo's ever look in the mirror and wonder; "Does this Mawashi make me look fat?"
• If you have Kylie Minogue's song "Can't get you outa my head" stuck in your head, would that be classified as Irony, or Tragedy?
• Did people from ancient civilizations, like say Babylonians, find farts as funny as we do today?
• With the acceptance of homosexuality in the mainstream, shouldn't they be "Ribbed for His Pleasure" now?
• When is that Flying Car that the Jetsons Promised us going to be ready for purchase??
• When dogs bark at someone walking by their yard, after the guy walks away, do the dogs think to themselves: "Whew, that was close!"
• How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? I'm thinking it's 2, maybe 3.
• Why do only the expensive, plush Toilet Papers advertise? I wanna see the cheap ones advertise. "Sure our toilet paper is made of glued together wood shavings, but damn it, it's cheap!"
• How can you "Chicken fry" a chicken?
  

1. John Travotla: For being a plague on the movie industry.
   
2. Bears : Because Stephen Colbert tells me I should fear them!
   
3. Metrosexuals : Metrosexuals are to genders what spam is to meat. We just aren't sure.
   
4. Divas : Specifically Diva's who sing that they are the same girl that roamed the streets of their home town. You spend more on jewelry in a day then I make in a lifetime. your bedroom is bigger then the house I will one day own. You wipe with $100 bills. No, you aren't the same you idiots.
   
5. Bug Guts : GET OFF MY WINDSHIELD!
   
6. Bill Gates: For making Windows, the most prevalent virus in the world.
   
7. Chris Rock: He's just not funny.
   
8. Chris Tucker: For making all the dogs in the neighborhood bark and go mad everytime he opens his big mouth!
   
9. Hillary Clinton : The only politician that can get me out to vote...for the other guy.
   
10. Weird Al: For writing a song clearly about me "White and Nerdy" but never giving me credit or a kickback.
    
11. Clay Aiken: Anyone writing a song that says, "If I was invisible. Then I could just watch you in your room" should be a registered sex offender in all 49 states.
    
12. New York: Come on, they elected Hillary Clinton. The bastards!
    
13. Brooke Hogan, Beyonce and Jessica Simpson: They are everything that is wrong with the music industry and the world. Apparently brains or talent are unneeded if you have big tits and a shapely body. Please, everyone, stop buying their garbage so they will just go away!
    
14. Micheal Jackson: Do I really need to explain?
    
15. Political Correctness: I'm all for not pissing people off, but when the people you are "defending" think you're stupid, it's time to shut up and go home.Linky Link
    
16. Anyone who says, or actually does "holla" especial if it's "atcha gurl"
    
17. The casting director, as well as the entire cast of "Little Man": I don't know how they did it, but they manage to make a movie with EVERY SINGLE actor I hate. They didn't forget a single one. Good job!
    
18. Pace Salsa's Marketing Department: For making the most annoying commercials, ever. And making the food service industry look like inbreed morons, those people are heroes, they bring me my food!! I don't care if my salsa is from "New York City", at least it's not 99% colored water!
    
19. James Blunt: Every song his voice gets higher and more annoying. By my calculations, we have 5 or 6 songs before it's so high only dogs can hear it. The good news, he will no long harm humanity. The bad news, we have to suffer through at least 5 songs...
    
20. Bag Pipes: Really, who would call that "music"!?
    
21. Santa: He knows when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake, he knows when i've been bad. Mofo knows things. Things I don't want him to know. Dangerous things. Santa's gotta go down.
    
22. Full House : No other TV show inspires me to violence as Full House can. Really, there should be a law, punishable by death for making this kind of show. And it should be retroactive! I swear, the parents of everyone who made that show should be put in jail!
    
23. Sloths : I think they are only acting slow and lazy. They are up to something, something big.
    
24. David Spade : You are not funny! You are a dumbass!
    
25. Celine Dion : The fact that she is canadian was enough to get her on the list, but then she had to go on make that damn Titanic song.
    
26. The inventor of the Vibrator : Making men obsolete since 1880.
    
27. Packing Tape : Stop sticking to me!!
    

• I'm so hungry, I could eat edible panties that were worn by Rosie O' Donnell!
• No, I didn't say your girlfriend was AT Wal-Mart, I said she was LIKE Wal-Mart. She's very cheap, always open for business and many men have been inside her, often at the same time. Hey, put down that knife Rick!
• Rosie O Donnell did a sex scene. I saw a picture of it, accidentally. I could literally feel my heterosexuality being ripped straight out of me.
• Ah, Wal-Mart, the only place you can see the rare, almost legendary matching Mother/Son mullet.
• Maybe heartburn is foods revenge for us trying to turn it into poo.
• The great thing about having bad eyes, and barely being able to see. Well, other then the adventure that is driving. Is that every girl you see, no matter how nasty; looks like a supermodel to you.
• I love breasts so much, I think i'll grow a few when I grow older.
• The older I get, the more optional showering becomes.
• I have no good days, only bad days. It's just that some are more suicidal. Others more homicidal, I call those work days.
• "Do you want an Oyster Crackers?" "No thanks, I don't like Sea Food."
  

• It's just so tiny, is it even functional?
• Can anything truly be described as indescribable?
• Terry, if you can't laugh at yourself, you're missing the best joke we've heard all year!
• I'd rather marry an ugly woman. See, if you marry a superhot girl, everyone wonders "What's she doing with that ugly guy?". But if you marry an ugly girl, suddenly you look like a greek god by comparision.
• Simple Green is so strong, it could clean the ugly of Rosie O Donnell
• (While leaving the Bathroom)"Thanks for the musical accompaniment.
  

• I'd like to die during sex. I even have the words for my headstone picked out. "Broken Pelvis; He went as he came."
  
• I'm a think I'm a very good cook, though some would differ. It's just that I'm unconventional, but really, a hammer is a perfectly legit cooking untensil.
• They have tests to tell you when you're ovulating now. Mine came back positive. So, yea, I'm trying to deal with that now...
• I wear a Nut cup everywhere I go, just in case...
• I only order pizza's during blizzards. I like the pizza boy to earn his fifty cent tip!
• If I had a terminal disease, I'd ask for a lifetime supply of Buffalo Wings from "Make-A-Wish" foundation, just on the off chance that I'd get better and live another 70 years.
• I like to save expired milk, in case someone I don't like comes over.
• If I ruled the world, every friday would be lingerie friday. It would be illegal  for the obese, and males to participate.
  

Searching, sailing the dark sea,
Seeking, groping, hoping for thee,
Somewhere out on distant shore,
Hoping, wanting, praying for more,
The wind growls, my strength falls,
But her sweet voice calls, to me calls,
"Where is he, where can he be?"
"Daily I suffer, will he save me?"
My hearts beats, beats in time,
Hers beats in rhyme with mine,
So I sail on, for her sailing, sailing for love,
For one crafted, gifted brought from above,
Can I find her, will I find that beach?
Or will she forever be beyond reach?
The storm hails and wails against linen sail,
For her, for love, I shall not fail.

In a land beyond reach of wheel or sail there lies a lake,
It's surface is as polished perfect glass,
reflecting sky above, each pillowy cloud has it's twin,
Mighty trees stand around in guard protecting this perfect lake,
My spirit was caught up to a such a place,
this vision of unearthly elegance,
I stood on the banks, I gazed in wide eyed wonder,
My heart in awe at the beauty all around me,
No imperfection could be found, save for in me,
No words can explain, no painting can do it justice,
The crystal lake paled in compare to what I saw next,
In the west I saw a bird, I thought a seraph was approaching,
The swan glided from heaven with grace and poise,
It broke no ripple, no wave hit the shore to announce it's landing,
Like a reflection of God The Swan was,
New fallen snow could not compare to the white of its plume,
No feather was imperfect or out of place in the slightest,
It outstretched wings were like those of an cherub,
Full of strength, authority, yet soft and delicate,
It's neck was soft and sensual,
My eyes catch The Swan's and I sensed it's soul,
I could not fathom the power in this creature,
Nor the beauty possessed within,
In this once glance, the shortest of glances,
the heart stops, my mind drew blank, and my soul is calm,
It called out to me with it's swan song,
it's voice was like the heavenly hosts singing,
soft, pleasing, entrancing, and my heart soared,
All I saw seemed as a dream,
For what outside heaven could so fine, so graceful, so splendid,
I stretched out my hand to The Swan,
Wishing just one touch, the slightest touch,
The wind blows, the clouds fly, yet the next moment never seems to arrive,
Here I stand, upon that shore, by that perfect lake, reaching for The Swan.