1. You will always be a part of my life. What I did was stupid and I am so sorry for it. However, what you did wasn't so great either. We both made mistakes and I guess we weren't meant to be best friends forever but I sure thought we were.

2. What would I do without you? Not only do you always listen to me, but you're always real with me. I can always count on you to be honest and I appreciate that so much. You come over to keep me company and help me so much. You are practically another child at my house. You are so special to me and I love you so much.

3. You are the most special person I have ever met. You have such an incredible outlook on everything. I can have such deep conversations with you and you always understand. You deserve the best and I hope you get it. We can go for 2 weeks without hanging out and still be the best of friends. You pull all nighters with me and we stay up and study. I never would have made it through junior year without you. You are my best friends, sister, other-half and my Huck Finn. Thank you for everything you do for me.

4. Wow, I don't even know what to say to you. God truly sent me something special when He sent me you. I never dreamed I'd be happy with anyone for longer than 2 weeks before I met you. I thought the idea of marriage and love were absolutely preposterous and then you came along and swept me off my feet. I have never doubted for one second that you care about me. You have been a constant in my life for the past 2 months and that is exactly what I needed. You listen to me whine and gripe and never complain, you hold me when I cry, and you make me laugh so hard. I can be myself around you and I know you still love me. You know how to handle me and I can honestly say that no one ever has before I met you. You know who I really am and you see past my flaws and the walls I put up. Thank you baby. You are so good to me.

5. I really did care about you but you were so bad for me. With you I was killing myself slowly. Good luck.


I'll add more later, I just needed to get this out.

1. You will always be a part of my life. What I did was stupid and I am so sorry for it. However, what you did wasn't so great either. We both made mistakes and I guess we weren't meant to be best friends forever but I sure thought we were.

2. What would I do without you? Not only do you always listen to me, but you're always real with me. I can always count on you to be honest and I appreciate that so much. You come over to keep me company and help me so much. You are practically another child at my house. You are so special to me and I love you so much.

3. You are the most special person I have ever met. You have such an incredible outlook on everything. I can have such deep conversations with you and you always understand. You deserve the best and I hope you get it. We can go for 2 weeks without hanging out and still be the best of friends. You pull all nighters with me and we stay up and study. I never would have made it through junior year without you. You are my best friends, sister, other-half and my Huck Finn. Thank you for everything you do for me.

4. Wow, I don't even know what to say to you. God truly sent me something special when He sent me you. I never dreamed I'd be happy with anyone for longer than 2 weeks before I met you. I thought the idea of marriage and love were absolutely preposterous and then you came along and swept me off my feet. I have never doubted for one second that you care about me. You have been a constant in my life for the past 2 months and that is exactly what I needed. You listen to me whine and gripe and never complain, you hold me when I cry, and you make me laugh so hard. I can be myself around you and I know you still love me. You know how to handle me and I can honestly say that no one ever has before I met you. You know who I really am and you see past my flaws and the walls I put up. Thank you baby. You are so good to me.

5. I really did care about you but you were so bad for me. With you I was killing myself slowly. Good luck.


I'll add more later, I just needed to get this out.

It finally hit me that everything is in shambles. Everything that used to be is different, almost everyone that used to be in my life is gone. It's scary to think that things will never be the way you knew them for so long but it has to happen. I feel so lost, misdirected, but so perfectly placed. Perhaps the idea of a master plan helps with that, or maybe the haze is finally lifting and my sight is being restored. Just when I think that things are over, the circumstances change and I find myself looking through new eyes. To me, this is proof that perception is not reality. Everything is not what it seems.

I can honestly say that I, never in a million years, saw this one coming. It all blind-sided me really. We've been through so much and it hurts me that it all ended like this. I still care about you, whether you believe it or not. It still hurts me to know that you're hurting. I've done some growing up and maybe you'll do some too. I'll be here when you're ready to talk, that will never change.
Maybe things are finally getting better or maybe my naivity has reached it's peak. Either way, I'm okay.

I think that I'm okay with not knowing how things are going to turn out.
I'm okay with how our relationship fluctuates like the tide coming in and out.
I'm okay with being perfectly imperfect.
But I'm not okay with the way that you try to put on some show.
You're far more transparent than you'd like to think.
Vulnerability is a beautiful thing. 

I'm working on being a positive influence.
So, I wanna know how I've influenced your life.
I want the total truth.

Remember how dependent you used to be on everyone? You used to idolize every person in your life who seemed to be able to hold their own. You used to be so naive, so innocent. Your faith was unshakable; no one could make you doubt your beliefs. Remember when your idea of beauty was blonde hair and blue eyes and you wouldn't be happy until that was exactly your image? You used to want to be her so much because she was skinny and gorgeous. She knew what to say and no one laughed when she spoke. She had this way of making people respect her. And remember when you thought your existence would end if those people you were so dependent on decided to walk away? Your whole life was centered around what you thought she would do in your scenario. You hung on every word she uttered.

You thought you would crumble if he ever realized that he didn't need you. You didn't know what to do with yourself when he walked away and you finally caught on to the fact that you were nothing more than a piece of a past he wanted to move on from.

You've changed so much. In some ways, it's for the better but in some ways you're killing yourself slowly.

Stop wasting time.

I miss the way things used to be, I really do.

The way things are right now aren't near as good, but sometimes it feels like they are.

I swear that there are days when I'm just driving, listening to Jack's Mannequin and I have these moments of absolute clarity. In these moments, the future isn't laid out in front of me, but the road is. Suddenly, the possibilities are so limitless and the world is so beautiful. It's almost surreal really, to think about where I've come from and then to look at where I am now. Did I ever dream this would be my life? Of course not, but these moments of clarity that I have make everything unperfect thing in my life seem so insignificant and remote. I think I would probably go insane if it weren't for these epiphanies, if you will.

 The past doesn't matter, the present doesn't matter, the future doesn't matter; all that really matters is how you're living your life. Everything in my life is so routine anymore and I've realized that I've sort of lost  focus on the things that used to matter so much.

I have no time for my music anymore, no time to just sit and play my piano or to write.

I think it's time I realized that you lose time trying to find it. You have to make time to have time.

I guess it's time to bring it all out in the open. I'm tired of holding my tongue because it's gotten me nowhere.

I don't understand what I did wrong.

I don't understand why you just won't leave me alone.

I don't understand why everyone expects so much of me.

I don't understand why suddenly the people who were always there for me are just kind of walking out.

I can't comprehend so much of what's going on and it bothers me more than you'll ever know.

Sometimes, I forget that. The monotony of this constant routine may provide peace of mind, but it also provides a lack of feeling. The same old same old is getting old and I need something new. I need a get away, from this town and from myself. It seems I just can't hide from my past. These demons won't let me be. I need distance, I need excitement, I need a change in scenery.

There's no inspiration left here.