Check out these amazing commercials I made for the Doritos "Crash The Super Bowl" competition with my buddies from Mail Order Comedy, Kyle Newacheck and Blake Anderson! Mad props go to Kyle for editing, and to Baby Newch and Hayley Pikhart for doing an awesome job filming, doing audio and lighting, and all that jazz. Did I just say "mad props"? Did I just impress you with my impressive punctuation skills?

We're like totally going to win the $5 million because I read The Secret and one time my mom played a Tony Robbins cassette tape for twelve minutes of a road trip before I made her switch to the soundtrack from The Mask. (This was 2 weeks ago.)

For the record, I'll get $4 million of the prize because I almost died filming this first commercial.

This next commercial cost me (AKA my mom's credit card) $54 and a little bit of embarrassment. Some customers at Target in West Hollywood judged me and my shopping cart full of Doritos. So I judged them for buying clothing and groceries at Target. Can you write off Doritos?

On second though, we might have to settle for 2nd place. The competition out there is pretty fierce...

Final thoughts...

Has anyone else ever waterboarded themselves with a mouthful of brownies and leche?

Does anyone want to buy a trash bag full of Doritos for $54? I bet you can use it as a tax write-off. And I think Blake and Kyle's dog only got into it once or twice. Please contact my agent if you are interested. Serious to not so serious inquiries only.

Was that commercial supposed to be funny? I think I giggled for about 4 hours.

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Mail Order Comedy is my favorite sketch group to ever let me sleep on their couch. Go to www.mailordercomedy.com for more of their stuff. Here's my favorite video of their's. It was definitely the best thing on the internet before we uploaded these Doritos commercials. You can buy their Wizards rap CD on Itunes. For realsies.

I did a private show for a company Friday night in Parkston, South Dakota. Where is that? It's about 90 miles from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and about 20 miles from the world's only corn palace! Where is that? America, people!

Parkston is a small town. Population: 1674 people, according to the US Census. The sign said 1572. I wanted them to change the sign to "1573" when I got there, but they didn't. So I murdered someone and took care of that. I buried them right over there.

I asked a guy there what the demographic will be at the show. He told me "Some people in cowboy hats, some office workers. Lots of different types." I joked, "Diversity, what a wonderful thing." And he not-joked, "It sure is."

Parkston has 97.79% white people. And according to the US Census, it is made up of .18% African Americans. I'm not that great at math, but .18% of 1674 is 3.0132. So they have 3.0132 black people in town.

Before the show, I asked a guy if they have any Jews in town. He replied, "Nope. Say whatever you want! We don't care." While I wasn't asking for permission to shit on Jews, it's always nice to know that it is an option. Fuck Jews. (Disclaimer: I'm Jewish, and decided not to do any Jewish jokes. Then changed my mind while on stage, and regretted it.)

While there were more than twice as many people in my high school as there were in Parkston, there were definitely more cows in this town than there were people in my high school. People here love cows. I met a girl my age who has 18. I met a guy who has hundreds. "Show cows" go for up to $40,000! They like them dead too. Some people buy entire slaughtered pigs and cows to keep in their freezer and eat throughout the year/however long it takes to eat an entire pig or cow. I keep ice cream in my freezer. I bet I could eat a cow in about an hour. (Taylor fun fact 6262 I have never eaten a steak or hamburger.)

If you ever decide to visit Parkston, I hope you don't have AT&T cell phone service like I do. Because then you have no service, and this will make you do crazy things. Like drive around and take pictures of cows. I saw some cows on the side of the highway, and decided to say hi. They were minding their own business before I got there.

Then one came by to say hi. I named him Dan Mintz.

Then more came by.

Then this guy. He was huge. I named him Yokozuna.

Then more. I felt so popular. just like high school. All the cows wanted to hang out with me, but never the foxes. Right?

Then they started doing filthy things to one another.

Then we decided to take a group photo to capture this moment that probably won't happen again before they're slaughtered and turned into Slim Jims. (They're actually dairy cows, but whatever.)

Then I spent about an hour trying to take one decent photo of myself with the cows. I think I got one. I am pretending that I'm scared of the camera. I told the cows to do the same. They did a great job, you just can't see their faces.

Then I left. And found some more cows, and wondered if they'd do the same thing. These cows looked pissed. They turned and stared me down. But I decided I was not intimidated.

Well they slowly started to come up, and I decided that I was intimidated since this fence was much shorter, so I left. Sorry mean cows, I don't want you to just over and murder me.

I'm thinking about moving to this town. They don't have a synagogue here, so if I moved, I'd have to become a Christian. I'd probably go to one of these churches. There are a lot of options. There is a Lutheran church 8 miles away, and a Lutheran church 10 1/2 miles away. I'd probably pick the further away one. I don't like praying with lazy people.

This is the park my children would play in. 3 swings, a slide, and some benches. What more do you need for a perfect childhood? I hope nothing else. I got some really concerned stares while taking photos here. They probably just recognized me from television and wondered what I was doing in town. Yah, that's it.

This is the cemetery that my children would be buried in. Not me though, since I'm going to live forever. I heard that every time someone dies, they adopt .42% of a black person to keep the sign accurate.

I stayed at a motel called the "Rainbow Lodge." If this were West Hollywood or New York City, it would have been a different type of motel. And if the people who ran this motel walked into a Rainbow Lodge, they'd probably be really not happy.

They had interesting rules here....no animals under any circumstances....unless they're dead. And they'll wash them for you! It used to only cost $2, but I guess the economy is hitting the pheasant-cleaning industry hard, so they had to raise the price a dollar. I bet this town is optomistic Barack Obama with change things!

Some places have pictures of dogs playing poker....Apparently, this is a pheasant.

For some reason, I was thinking that these were pheasants. No, they are ferrets. Which are varmints, and would be shot on site in Parkston. This is a town where if people hear gunshots, they don't call the police. They bring a fork and knife and run towards the noise. FYI no one in Parkston knows what Beastmaster is.

There was also a weird display in the shower. It made me angry. Who does that?

The next morning, there was a blizzard. It sounds a lot cooler to say that you're in a blizzard than to actually be in one. It's very cold, and there's lots of wind and snow. It's like a sandstorm, except with snow. And it's really cold. Did I mention that?

How cold was it? It was this cold. The sign should've just said "Don't be an asshole. Go inside. It's really cold!" This picture was taken in Sioux Falls, not in Parkston, which should be obvious by the fancy sign.

I almost died about 40 times driving 2 hours back to the airport. I'm not sure if it was due to the the dangerous conditions, or because I kept taking photos while driving.

I unfortunately couldn't find my cow friends to say good-bye. I could barely see anything. But I did see some horses. They looked really cold. Apparently, they just put their butts to the wind and they're fine. As you can see, by these horses that were brown before the blizzard.

God bless you, Parkston, South Dakota. You people were so friendly and genuine. It's just a different world than mine. If the Nazis come back and decide to kill anyone who loves NASCAR, guns, and Jesus, then Parkston could be their Israel. I miss everyone so much. Especially the lady who I was introduced to as, "She has a hook for an arm. 23 years ago she caught her arm in a tractor. Come on, show him your hook! Raise it higher, he didn't see it!" And she did, dammit. She raised her hook, like a proud woman, who has a hook. God bless America!

Off the record, I actually hate everything about Las Vegas. But I like this article! Though I'm not sure I actually said anything about enjoying visiting my grandparents. Just kidding?

Check out this interview I did! I'm so political. Isn't it adorable?? Go register to vote!! Thank God for interviews over email, otherwise this would've been really boring. By the way, the editor took out some of my exclamation points. Are they allowed to do that? It's not cool in my book/magazine.

"Hey, you're Lil' Bow Wow!"
"No, my name is Bow Wow."
"That's what I said! Lil' Bow Wow!"
"I used to be 'Lil' Bow Wow', but now I'm just 'Bow Wow.'"
"You're weird."