(those aren't the actual links.  i edited those out because they were spam.)


my computer's broken says:
 lol!  me 2
 hello?

Diana says:
:)
 
my computer's broken says:
 who is thisssss?

Diana says:
 I am Diana...I took your address on my ex's MSN

my computer's broken says:
 who's your ex?

Diana says:
 go look at www.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.com if you want to know who it is
 my ex left me 10 days ago

my computer's broken says:
 look, you can level with me.
 i know you're advertising a porn site

Diana says:
 Nothing, but what can you offer me?
 I'm 5'8" and weigh 136lbs
www.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.com

my computer's broken says:
 okay.  i understnad
 do you like grindcore?

Diana says:
 I wont talk dirty with you before you confirm  that you are an adult

my computer's broken says:
 okay.  i'm an adult

Diana says:
 I love painting. I do abstract art

my computer's broken says:
 oh really?  can i see some of your art?
 i make music myself
 and i have a blog that no one goes to
 it is also about music

Diana says:
 I'm an hardcore Avril Lavigne fan lol! About you?
 nah you have one?

my computer's broken says:
 yeah.  it's about making fun of music.

Diana says:
 don't give this link to anyone please www.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.com
 crap, my sister blocked me on MSN lol. I went to www.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.com to find out

my computer's broken says:
 okay.  i promise.
 well, if anyone blocks me from msn, it's probably because i have a habit of abusing them when i get fucked up

Diana says:
 very well, you?

my computer's broken says:
 like, i do an 8-ball of coke and i just turn into a real prick.

Diana says:
 if you block me, I'll tell your friend

my computer's broken says:
   you wouldn't!
 it's ok.  i promise to not block you.
 you seem like an alright sort
 but i am going out drinking tonight
 so if i get belligerent
 don't take it personally
 i mean, i get really abusive.
 it's why my wife left me
 i beat her mercilessly with the butt end of a shotgun
 but
 i gotta go
 i have a press thing to go to
 i'll go check out your porn spam later, ok?

Diana says:
 Later!

i've noticed that the critical part of this blog is kind of weird and unnecessary, but i feel like i have a lot to ramble on about, so i'll probably be doing more of my rambling over at this other site which you are free to ignore if you so please, but if you enjoy it, please pass along the good word.

http://seasofdreck.wordpress.com/

yes.  i am as surprised as you.


http://censoredpoets.blogspot.com/2007_02_01_archive.html (it's in here somewhere)

corn

in the end
corn turns to husks
filled with shit
much like this poem
filled with words
pretending to be
poetry.

by Aaron J. Marko

it all began this morning when someone posted in the comments section of meshuggah's "new millennium cyanide christ"


subblime776 (23 hours ago)
HEY! I play in a metal band called F3tch, Meshuggah heavily influenced us (you'll see what I mean,) and YOU can get us signed. PLEASE help us out!

You can hear us on youtube, myspace (url's f3tch) and facebook.

To vote, type the words 'become Roadrunner scout' into google and click the first site. Click the 'become a scout' box.

THIS LETS YOU HELP DECIDE WHO THE LABEL SIGNS.

Click the 'search' box, search for F3tch on the site and PLEASE vote for us. Thanks guys!

(moar leik FELCH, amirite?  anyway, i hate spammers more than richard dawkins hates your stupid religion, so i KNEW i had to reply.)


officernarc (13 hours ago)
"influenced by meshuggah"? i know lots of bands out there who are "influenced by meshuggah" and they're all shit. why don't you people stop ripping meshuggah off and at least try being original?

btw, i listened to your band and you guys sound more like a cracked out linkin park. i thought nu-metal died at the end of the last millennium. your music is so culturally irrelevant that it's not funny.

(so, i thought that would be the end of it.  boy was i wrong!  when i got home after work, i found this lovely email in my youtube inbox.)


subblime776 (7 hours ago)
(hot damn, i do believe i have been served.  he even went so far as to tell me that i need to "learn an instrument".  well, excuuuuuuuuse me, mr. jerkface, but i'm QUITE HAPPY with my inability to competently play my bass.  being petty and hilarious, OF COURSE i couldn't let things slide...)



officernarc (just now)
to whom it may concern,

thank you for taking the time out of your busy day of favouriting videos of band to respond to my little comment. rest assured that i read your response with great interest and fervor.

first of all, i would like to apologize for calling your band or music, whichever of the two i referred to as "culturally irrelevant".  i actually meant to say that it was "not very good."  however, i am glad that you enjoy playing the music that you do.  understandably, it must be difficult to be in a band that "isn't very good" and plays "terrible music."  oh, i know the bitter taste all too well.  tears and rain like a stinging pain have passed before my eyes. oh there i go again quoting blood for blood lyrics.

but i would like to congratulate you for adamantly defending your terrible band, especially your comparison to meshuggah.  perhaps you are right.  perhaps it is i am who is wrong and perhaps your band is not that dissimilar from meshuggah.  i mean, once you take away the rhythmic complexity, extremely low tuning, compelling song structures, thoughtful lyrics and replace jens kidman with a bland fred durst, you can really begin to hear how much both bands have in common with each other!

so thank you very much for spamming the way you did!  your unwelcome intrusion into my morning has really made me begin to re-think music altogether!  now if you'll excuse me, i have a moby concert to attend to which i have front row seats.  maybe i'll see you there!

love,
o-narc

(also, i attached the video of 'jesus mouth', you know, uh, the one with the gay dudes grinding up on each other.  now we play the waiting game...)


EDIT: THE FIGHT CONTINUES.

(so, he FINALLY got back to me after what?  5 minutes?  nice to see i'm so high on his list of priorities.)


subblime776 (whenever)

First off: my day doesn't fucking consist or favouriting videos. Besides the normal socialising/working based stuff, I promote my band on youtube. I'm working towards achieving a goal I have. What are you doing? I'll tell you:sitting on the sidelines and talking shit about people doing something with their lives, cause you lack the talent/motivation (delete as applicable) to do the same with yours. So you talk shit to make yourself feel better. Which is the reason that most internet shit-talkers talk shit; it's a means to mask their insecurity and vent it somehow.

Second off; I genuinely love my band. Otherwise why the fuck would I be putting so much energy into promoting it? And it's not a 'beggars can't be choosers'-type scenario of not being able to find anyone else who will take me; I'm in an additional 4 bands besides this one, so if I was so unhappy with it surely I could pull it out and chuck it in with one of the others instead?

Enjoy Moby, dipshit




officernarc (now)

no.  i talk shit because you think that spamming your shit band is okay.  plus, it's easy to talk shit about a shitty band.  if you think that because i don't go around spamming everyone that means i'm unmotivated, i really have to laugh.  maybe it's not that i'm unmotivated.  maybe it's that i have a better concept of marketing than you do.  maybe i'm not interested in forcing people into listening to something the way that you seem to be.  except for sending you that video.  i just did that because it fills me with joy to annoy and irritate you.

congratulations on having 4 other bands!  i guess if this one doesn't work out, you can always try for the big time with one of them.  hopefully one of them is better.

as far as why you'd be putting so much energy into promoting this band?  i dunno.  you seem to be pretty keen to get signed to a label or something.  well man, i got bad news for you if you think that this band is going to go anywhere.  you seem to lack any concept of what is selling records.  but regardless of whatever it is, it's definitely not the sound of 1999.  but who knows?  maybe you can get on a tour with flambookey & 40 below summer.

i mean, it's offensive that you purport to be "all about the music" when this band you're whoring out is as artistically bankrupt as brokencyde.  but i mean, at least they're smart enough to make records that kids are going to buy.  you, on the other hand cling to this genre of music which was bad at the height of its popularity.  i have no qualms with telling you this because it was something that i lived through and experienced for myself.  from that period of time, there is not one single redeeming band.  linkin park, limp bizkit, no one, darwin's waiting room, motograter, twisted method, etc.  all of those bands fucking sucked shit through a straw.  and here you are in 2009 emulating the most dickless, immature music that was ever put to tape.  normally, i'd just consider this whole exchange a fucking joke, but you're so sincere that it's just sad.  but sad to the point where it makes me laugh at you.

because roadrunner would never sign this even when they were signing this.

love,
chester p. finklestein, vii, esq

p.s: i will enjoy moby.  i will be front row center asking him to play whichever song i heard in that commercial.

deathcore.  just the mere mention of it inspires everything from looks of disgust to violent outbursts.  personally, i don't fucking like it.  i think it's one of the most talentless, artistically bankrupt forms of music to come along since nu metal.

for those of you who don't know exactly what deathcore is, essentially, you take death metal, and remove essentially any talent, replacing it with tight jeans, stupid tattoos and gauged ears.  see examples:


bring me the horizon



(their shitty music is puncutated by the fact that they don't even know that napalm death is grindcore.)


oceano



(probably the most boring band you'll ever hear.)


whitechapel



(which were your favourite lyrics? "urgh urgh urgh" or "rah rah raghhhhhhh")


anyway, there are shit tons more of these horrible bands out there, but this post is putting me over my retard limit for this month.


but it begs the question about just why this music is so bad.  i mean, it's one thing to be able to ably identify bad music.  you just know it when you hear it.  it's as inherent as shitstains.  but when you ask someone to identify why it's bad, you usually get some nebulous answer like, "oh uh, the lyrics are bad.  i dunno."  FUCK YOU THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER.  i can name tons of great bands with shitty lyrics.  in fact, more bands have shit lyrics than good lyrics, but i'm getting off base here.

yes, i have a problem with deathcore.  if you're in a deathcore band, i have a problem with the music you make.  i'm not going to bullshit you like the scenewhores who come to your shows and blow you afterwards.  999 times out of 1000, i'm going to hear a deathcore band and it's going to be toasted shit.  but why is that?  often, there is obvious talent going into the recordings, musically and production-wise, but sadly, the end product is mushy, brown, and reeking of failure.  why?  WHY?  WHYYYYYYYYYYY????

i'll tell you why, assholes.  the breakdowns.  the motherfucking breakdowns.

first and foremost, breakdowns are terrible songwriting.  in fact, they're probably the worst thing you could do to butt-fuck your song.  you know that bring me the horizon song up there?  dare i say, it could have been salvagable, if not for the fucking breakdowns.  why include them?  (don't answer that.  it's a rhetorical question.)  the second you hear a breakdown in a song, you have to know that it exists for the sole purpose of appeasing a record buying public.  it's so you can sell your shit songs to stupid kids who wear tight jeans who don't know any better.  to reiterate: breakdowns are NOT brutal, heavy, or any other metal-related adjective you can throw out there.  breakdowns are as corporate as hannah montana, wal-mart, and nike shoes.

to be continued in part 2...

if you don't know, the title of this blog is a reference to snapcase.  apparently "living in the past dudes" is what they used to refer to people who would call out their old songs at their shows before they broke up and i thought it was apt, given the dream i had last night.  so anyway, somehow i was able to travel back in time to anywhere i chose, but afterwards, i would have to live in that time.  so in other words, i could travel backwards, but not forwards at all.  it's kind of what scientists are theorizing time travel is actually like, but that's reliant on the multi-universe theory, blah blah blah or something like that.

so, because i really liked a lot of the music that was around back then, i went back to some nebulous time between 1988 & 1993.  and from what i can remember, i really enjoyed myself, but then i found myself sitting at this park bench with a bunch of jocks in the kind of booty shorts straight dudes could get away with wearing back in 1987.  so, as i was sitting there, i suddenly came to the realization that no matter how great it was at the moment, i would still have to live through a decade of shit music.  i would have to re-live limp bizkit, korn, and about a million other less notable shit bands that were putting out records at the time.  like darwin's waiting room.  or taproot.  or 40 below summer.  yeah i could re-live their bassist's threat to have his loser band's loser fans fuck me up in a mosh pit at one of their shows.

but yeah, i suddenly was filled with this great depression because even though i wound up being able to experience this absolutely amazing moment in time, artistically (in my opinion, at least), i would still have to live through all of these really horrible events.  i mean, not just music, but also wars and genocides, and that's something that i've no interest in.  i mean, it would be righteous to be able to play doom again on a windows 3.1 system, having to re-learn dos just isn't something i'm interested in.

i don't know.  i guess what i'm saying is that living in the past - for whatever positive you may take from it, in the long run is really more of a detriment.  because for all those great memories you might have had from high school or whatever - you can try to re-create those your entire life but you'll just wind up empty and unfulfilled.  that's not to say that i had a lot of good memories from high school, i'm just saying.  it could be any point in your life.

i guess what i'm really trying to say is that progress comes from looking forward, not back.  i mean, there's a lot that we can learn from the past, but to stubbornly ignore the innovations of the future is folly.

sorry for all of that.  i swear i'm not drunk or high.

FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST SOMEONE COOK THIS FOR ME.


MEATLOAF HAMBURGER SUPREME





ROAST TURKEY





BACON CHEESE HOT DOGS & STUFFED SAUSAGES

Oh boy, would you look at that?  A list of 100 people who don't seem to think that drugging and raping an underaged girl is a serious crime.  well hollywood, if you're listening, i think i'm finally cool with ripping you off now.

Christ.  Why couldn't Michael Bay sign this petition too?  Anyway, here's a pretty awesome deconstruction of the whole ugly mess:



http://www.indiewire.com/article/over_100_in_film_community_sign_polanski_petition/P1/

Anyway, in case you didn't click the link, here's the list of scum fucks.

Over 100 In Film Community Sign Polanski Petition

Fatih Akin
Stephane Allagnon
Woody Allen
Pedro Almodovar
Wes Anderson
Jean-Jacques Annaud
Alexandre Arcady
Fanny Ardant
Asia Argento
Darren Aronofsky
Olivier Assayas
Alexander Astruc
Gabriel Auer
Luc Barnier
Christophe Barratier
Xavier Beauvois
Liria Begeja
Gilles Behat
Jean-Jacques Beineix
Marco Bellochio
Monica Bellucci
Djamel Bennecib
Giuseppe Bertolucci
Patrick Bouchitey
Paul Boujenah
Jacques Bral
Patrick Braoudé
Andre Buytaers
Christian Carion
Henning Carlsen
Jean-Michel Carre
Patrice Chereau
Elie Chouraqui
Souleymane Cisse
Alain Corneau
Jerome Cornuau
Miguel Courtois
Dominique Crevecoeur
Alfonso Cuaron
Luc et Jean-Pierre Dardenne
Jonathan Demme
Alexandre Desplat
Rosalinde et Michel Deville
Georges Dybman
Jacques Fansten
Joël Farges
Gianluca Farinelli
Jacques Fansten
Etienne Faure
Michel Ferry
Scott Foundas
Stephen Frears
Thierry Fremaux
Sam Gabarski
René Gainville
Tony Gatlif
Costa Gavras
Jean-Marc Ghanassia
Terry Gilliam
Christian Gion
Marc Guidoni
Buck Henry
David Heyman
Laurent Heynemann
Robert Hossein
Jean-Loup Hubert
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
Gilles Jacob
Just Jaeckin
Alain Jessua
Pierre Jolivet
Kent Jones
Roger Kahane,
Nelly Kaplan
Wong Kar Waï
Ladislas Kijno
Harmony Korine
Jan Kounen
Diane Kurys
Emir Kusturica
John Landis
Claude Lanzmann
André Larquié
Vinciane Lecocq
Patrice Leconte
Claude Lelouch
Gérard Lenne
David Lynch
Michael Mann
François Margolin
Jean-Pierre Marois
Tonie Marshall
Mario Martone
Nicolas Mauvernay
Radu Mihaileanu
Claude Miller
Mario Monicelli
Jeanne Moreau
Sandra Nicolier
Michel Ocelot
Alexander Payne
Richard Pena
Michele Placido
Philippe Radault
Jean-Paul Rappeneau
Raphael Rebibo
Yasmina Reza
Jacques Richard
Laurence Roulet
Walter Salles
Jean-Paul Salomé
Marc Sandberg
Jerry Schatzberg
Julian Schnabel
Barbet Schroeder
Ettore Scola
Martin Scorcese
Charlotte Silvera
Abderrahmane Sissako
Paolo Sorrentino
Guillaume Stirn
Tilda Swinton
Jean-Charles Tacchella
Radovan Tadic
Danis Tanovic
Bertrand Tavernier
Cécile Telerman
Alain Terzian
Pascal Thomas
Giuseppe Tornatore
Serge Toubiana
Nadine Trintignant
Tom Tykwer
Alexandre Tylski
Betrand Van Effenterre
Wim Wenders

Texas, you fucking make me sick.


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i don't remember the shit i said last night.

frankly, i don't want to know.

all i know is that it's time to quit drinking when you find yourself in some shitty dive by your house on the verge of getting into a fist fight with a bunch of drunk rednecks for hitting on the ogre they were all banging.  maybe i wasn't even hitting on her.  i don't know.  i don't know.  I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.  but frankly, that's it.  call me a pussy, poseur, whatever, but fuck it.  i'm just so sick of this bullshit.  frankly, i'm fucking sick of myself.  i should've quit drinking years ago, but i didn't.  i'm a dumbass.  but you all knew that already.

but hey, most of you probably met me when i was shithammered.