http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oyQPGJ5848

There's no point trying to change it

if what we are is part of god then I amall his sadness all that is lonely in an empty bed I don’t find peace no smiles and no dancing I am the broken and not the heart I am beaten and slowly oh so slowly I fall apart and no one will remember me not my childrena husband lover or friend I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt to find her in our bed but men will explore and I will die never knowing what it feels like to know a heart a body a mind and a soul that’s dedicated would you even miss me so caught up in your history there’s no room for forgive so please live and use me as your excuse to be with her cause I’m not there but always I will be the great man’s Achilles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOYZwQ8-FEE

"Only God gets things right the first time" -Mr. King

Ok, so if someone asked you to leave the world behind and just go... would you?

That's the question of the day. most people never get around to hearing that question, let alone asking it.

our lives, yours and mine. they are what we make them-

- and we can stay or go. take the hands that we are dealt. or we can smack the dealer in the mouth and say "fuck your cards" "and your game, - the whole damn world while I'm at it"

anyway, you can guess where I'm goin with this. and if you know me... you've heard all this before and you hate me for it :)

you may never know the extent of my worried minds plotting. or what was going through my head as i pulled the hood over my face to hide from the blustery wind and your searching eyes.

all my dreaming can't compare to the grey days mourning.

in time we all forget - all our yesterdays will never be enough to fill my wanting. Is there ever going to be a peace to know in the days that come?

its a shame i didn't know my strength sooner. and if i had the choice again.

you or the world

i'd be you.

Maybe it's just me, but you seem to have a way of disappearing when everyone else does. And in the end - i lose the world too.

I got a book once "Waiting for Godot" and for only one reason. In the front of the book a daughter had written a note to her father. Reminding him that just like the characters in the book discover. You can't place all your faith and happiness in one thing - because what happens when that one thing inevitably disappears? - I'll tell you - your whole fuckin world disappears.

I know I don't say the right words, and its not always what you want to hear... and my timing is shit.

I'm just a girl on a mission. To find love - real love.

Not sex, not money, not all your happy lies... But something so intense its worth dying for... and even more then that, it's worth living for.

I guess that's all for now after all your silence.

If your reading this

I love you ;)

It's been awhile. Since I wrote it strait.

It's time to grow past cryptic cynicism and let you know what's goin on with me. Dear friend its been a long time since i kept a journal and even longer since it was my own ;)

Winter is definitely upon us. The poetry is dark, and hope glitters like the ice on my parents back porch. And here i am, day after day - drifting away at the dining room table. I catch myself staring out the back door, think ing about you, wondering when the bravery and perhaps booze will lend the strength for a hero to come and claim me.

:) Fantasy rules my mind that is absent from the life that surrounds it. There are times, like now, when I'm surrounded by people that love me - but I feel angry and lost. Why? ...Cause your not here...

Simple, but why would that lead to an angry feeling? Maybe it's the fact nothing seems to go right, and everything is a mess. And there i go - staring off in to nothing again. I really shouldn't have the time to do this anyway.

I let my kids run circles around my chair as i try to type and search for work all day.

But I have to tell you what's really goin on ladies and gentlemen. I'm hopelessly in love with a very self destructive being. Building mess upon mess - nothing seems to go as planned and disaster waits at every turn.

I can't be there all the time, so... based on my past experience - that automatically means there's other girls around when i'm not

- the curse of my neurosis... and worst case, I don't have a right to be upset anyway.

Cause there's not a person in this world that owes me anything...

Myself, I've got quite a tab with god, but here i must stop.

Truth be told, I'm lucky. There are people right now, that don't have a home, let alone my small relationship blunders. There are children with no heat, no mother, and no father. There are women who love a man as they stand by their hospital bed to watch them die.

There are mistakes that don't just ruin a relationship, but destroy nations. Kinda makes the mess I've made irrelevant. Still not invisible.

When i hurt the whole world seems ugly, its hard to find the joy, to find the center.

I don't know what to do, but i feel like the whole world is moving by while i get left behind. I have dates set, and all i do is help out all day everyday. Constantly doing things for other people and for my children. Then they all turn to me and ask, "what have you been doing?" :)

Oh well, i have to say there is only one place, only one, where i find a peace. Where the world still disappears. You.

There's that and here's one more: at the end of the day, when i crawl into bed with my two little boys. I like to watch their sleeping faces and wonder which of their features are mine. I worry about whether they'll want to come with me, or if they will ask to stay at grandmas house. I know i can't stay forever, and as soon as i get together a routine with daycare we'll be moving.

Mom got a call, a woman she works with has a husband that was just admitted to the hospital. He had been driving and pulled over only to collapse of cardiac arrest outside his car.

My point is, this lost soul - he loves me, and i don't want miss a moment...