As is customary with this oft-ignored blog, it is time to reflect back on the year that was, a year in the life of the one and only, ME!!!

As with the majority of the years of my life, I approved of the events of 2008. Well my goal of complete retirement is no closer to fruition, I did only work 39 weeks this year, a benchmark I would like to maintain for years to come. Here is a look back on the highlights.

January 1-
I'm glad the first day of the year was not indicative of the year to come. Because in a word, it was terrible. We started a new work thing where we worked public holidays in exchange for another day of my choice off later in the year. I was very hungover. The end.

February 2-10
Boracay in a word. Stunning. In two words. Stunningly beautiful. I was there. Not sure I'd go back. Not sure what I have against the island. Gorgeous beaches, cheap drinks, laws enacted against being bother by peddlers on the beach, very fun friends. Weather was perfect. Was it a case of some place being too perfect? Why didn't I enjoy Boracay?

May 3-19
Oh, I love Europe. The Cretonator joined for my third visit to the continent. England and Greece were on the agenda. London reinforced my love for shopping and for British people. Greece reinforced my love for food. Oh tzatsiki! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I did learn that Greek ribs are a Saskatchewan thing. No Greek ribs in Greece.

June 13-15
No sleep on a very crowded overnight bus. Rain all weekend. North Korea. I was there. Stern faced men with big guns everywhere. Man knocked my camera into the water. So no proof I was there. You just have to take my word for it.

August 23- September 6
My best trip of the year. I may have set the record for most flights taken in a two week span. First, Thailand again. I LOVE Thailand. First, the beaches of Phuket. Then a few days in the northern area of Chang Mai, where I spent a day out and about with the long necks. Next, a night of debacherous partying in Bangkok. The gay area there is insane. Hooked up with a flight attendant. Score!
Saturday, it was off to meet my littlest friend in Malaysia. I found her peeking over the huddled crowds in Kuala Lumpur airport. Then it was off to Borneo, to Tiga Pilau, to be more exact. This was the site of the very first Survivor. Not much remained from the show except for the resort where the the crew from the show stayed. I loved everything about this place and highly recommend it.
Later in the week, we were back in Kuala Lumpur but only so we could jet off to Cambodia, to Siem Reap. For two full days we scaled the Ruins of the Angkor Wat. We hired a motorcycle and driver. 40 dollars for 2 days of his services. When necessary he also acted as our guide. Now Boracay had rules regarding peddlers selling you things. This place did not. Mega did not. The roars of "Please sir, only one dolla. One dolla! Please sir" were a constant. But bearable. Everybody should see this amazing place at least once in their life.
For the weekend we found ourselves back in Kuala Lumpur. We shopped at the formerly record height setting Petronas Towers. And ate Lebonese food. So frickin' good.

October
I was in ridiculous, and I mean it in a negative way, Saskatchewan. The only reason it is worthy of mention is to set up the background for one of my favorite moments of 2008. A new casino was recently constructed just outside Saskatoon on a Indian reservation. The place is named Dakota Dunes. The casino complex is very nice. Fittingly it looks like a giant tipi. My parents came out for buffet dinner. Not realizing each night had a theme, that night we happened to stumble upon "Game Night". And by game I don't mean Uno and Monopoly, I mean deer, ox, and all the rest of the gang. While not gross, the meal didn't make my list of Top 100.
After eating, I was off to play Blackjack. I sat down at what I thought was a Blackjack Table. I was at a Bonus Texas Hold'em Table. I had never seen the game. The dealer asked if I wanted to learn how to play. "I guess" was my reply. Little did I know it was my best decision all year. Because of that decision I am typing this blog entry from a brand new iMac 24 inch screen. How did this happen? Let's find out!

October 30- November 5
The Robinson family is doing Vegas. We had shopped and dined and rollercoastered and drank margaritas into the millions. But on day number 5 of my trip I had yet to see dollar signs. Then Clyde came along, or perhaps his name was Clive. Now you may be thinking, as if his name was Clive? I know I was. I was drunk so memories of the combined day 5 and 6 are hazy, but at some point Clive/Clyde came along. Now Clive/Clyde was a winner. A winner of the SuperBowl. He had a giant ring to prove it. We saddled up to the Bonus Hold'em Table together. Now, no word of a lie, I didn't lose a hand for probably 30 minutes. Soon my pockets and spot at the table were overflowing with chips. High fives were flying between myself, Clyde and the dealer. The minimum bet was 5 dollars, but really to have any sort of chance of seeing any money you had to have 15 dollars down. I decided the time was right for a 100 dollar bet. The cards were dealt. I looked. My inner voice screamed, "Cunt! Whore! Bitch! Fuck!" I had a 2-4 off suit. Now when playing this game you have to double your original bet to see the flop of the cards. Otherwise you can fold and lose the initial ante bet. With Lady Luck and Clive by my side, I decided to put the 200 dollars required down. The flop came 2-2-4 giving me a full house. With two more 100 dollar bets I had made 500 dollars on that one hand alone. When my night ended I had over 1600 American dollars to show for it. Enough for a fantastic new computer.

December 9
One of the saddest days of my life. The Little friend decided the time was right to move onto greener pastures. My 2006, 2007, and 2008 years would not have been nearly as fun had she not entered my life.

So, there it is. The year that was. Of course, some highlights were omitted. The Mud Festival, Pride in Seoul, and just random Noraebang nights also contributed to the joy that was 2008. As for 2009, plans are a uncharted, unkown. I really wouldn't want it any other way!

One of the many joyous things about being home is the avoidance of the repeated dreck of Korean TV. It's not the repeating of the movies and shows I hate, it's the repeating of movies and shows I hate. Are you with me? I hate most movies starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and most reality TV shows. Koreans apparently must love them. A good movie I can watch again and again.

So on a lazy Saturday afternoon, I was flipping through the channel guide looking for TBS. There I expected to find their 987,934th showing of The Breakfast Club. I was wrong, though.

"Great Scott!" I exclaimed to no one in particular, "the Back to the Future trilology is on!"

You may ask what a trilology is. It's actually the same as a trilogy. Back to the Future was dubbed a trilology by a friend in high school, who at the time had his -ologies slightly confused.

I like numbers one and two the best. The third was a western which meant it had to work extra hard to interest me. While I still enjoyed the third one, I liked the story of the first and the futuristics of the second. This is starting to sound like a movie review, so I'll get on with the point of this blog entry.

The year 2025 was setting for the future of the trilology. Many interesting inventions were imagined to be created. Form-fitting Nike shoes, floating skateboards and flying cars among others were all around in Robert Zemeckis' 2025.

While I don't require any of those imagined delights to be around by 2025, here are three inventions I would like to see made by scientists, doctors, and whomever invents things.

1. As I'm typing this blog entry, I'm already annoyed by how many mistakes I've made. This could all be avoided if a "Writer Downer" was invented. A "Writer Downer" would be a paper size machine next to the computer that would transmit by writing from the paper to the computer. I feel like this may have been invented already, but it must have a few kinks worked out. It must be able understand illegible handwriting, basically understanding what the writer was trying to type.

2. This invention for the scientists who may tired of working on cures for cancers, AIDS, Parkinson's and such. I would like to see the "Not Hot" pill invented. Basically you would take this pill when you are too hot. After running a mile, after eating a pepper, while visiting your grandparent's oven-like apartment, whatever the reason, you take this pill and you immediately return to a normal temperature. This pill should work for at least a couple hours. And because all pills have some sort of side-effect, here are the requested ones for this pill. For 10 minutes after ingesting the pill everything smells like strawberries and you fall asleep immediately when anybody talks about the weather.

3. Lastly, and this one should be an easy invention, a pair of shoes should be invented with a rotating track on them. You would be these shoes on and then be able to move kind of like you are on a walking escalator at an airport. I'm all for actual walking, but this would be for when you don't actually want to walk. And old people could use it when they can't actually walk. Everybody would win.

Now that you've read my ideas for how you can make my life better, I'd like you to listen to a profound quote from young Biff who said, "Now make like a tree and get out of here!"

Preface-  I wrote this on my first night in North Korea.  As I was writing I imagined all sorts of scenarios involving hidden cameras and mind-reading.  Could they tell I was writing about their great leader?  What if they searched my bags and read what I had wrote?  I decided to then write my thoughts in my worst writing possible.  In fact, it was so bad that two weeks later I'm not able to decipher what some of my thoughts were.  Here they are below.

___________________________________________________________

Propoganda is everywhere.  Mistruths are abound.  Some people accept them wholeheartedly, depending of course on background and values.  We may not admit it, but I think most of us enjoy propoganda and mistruths, especially if they are things we want to hear.   I love people like Bill Maher and Michael Moore, simply because they preach to the choir group that I belong.

North Korea has always had this mysterious aura over it.  Their leader, Kim Jong Il has long been known for his indoctrination of North Koreans, selling him and his father as gods.  Kim Il Sung, the father was apparently born out of a volcano!  No one knows much about North Korea except that he has spread mistruths to his people.  And because of their total isolation, the whole country have become his followers.  From the rare times news crews have been let in the country we've been able to see this to be true.

A few years ago I was in the demilitarized zone between the two Koreas.  Both countries have one village inside the zone.  The North Koreans village has no residents except soldiers, though.  Instead the village is known as "propoganda village" with a very tall flag (the world's tallest) and a loud speaker that exults all things Kim Jong Il.

I expected to see or hear much of the same on my visit.  Not a word, not a "Welcome to the Greatest Nation on Earth" sign, nothing.  Nothing to indicate I was in the presence of a "great" leader.  Nothing to indicate I was in one of poorest countries in the world.

We stayed in a little compound, a bubble, one might say.  Nice hotels, nice restaurants, duty-free shopping, all the fixings of an "ordinary" country.  There was even a Family Mart, a South Korean staple.

We did see one big picture next to a hotel of Kim Jong Il and his father.  That's it.  Otherwise we didn't see his face once.  His face couldn't even be found on a lousy keychain.

I guess I came in looking for a certain kind of propoganda and when it wasn't there I was a bit disappointed.  But the fact is North Korea is not an "ordinary" country.  The bubble I was in was just propoganda of a different brand.

4 lawyers who could defend me anyday

Denny Crane

Ben Matlock

Jackie Chiles

Perry Mason

4 jobs I'd like to have

Game Show Host

Movie Critic

Vacation Planner

Drink Tester

4 places you should go before you die that happen to start with 's'

Sintra, Portugal

Seville, Spain

Sydney, Australia

San Francisco

4 people I'd listen to all day long

Bill Maher

Wanda Sykes

Michael Moore

Bill Clinton

4 words I would change the spelling of if I was Daniel Webster

tho

thot

thuh

misisipi

4 non-alcoholic drinks I like

non-fat milk

Raspberry Ice Crystal Light

Goodhost Iced Tea

Country Time Lemonade

4 things that have hit me in the face

an egg

a baseball

a bird's shit

a pie

4 authors I like

Nick Hornby

David Sedaris

John Grisham

Dave Eggers

4 things I'd like to have happen to me before I die

have a royal flush

win the lottery

be on Mount Everest

sky dive

4 things stupid people say

"All drugs are bad."

"Gay marriage is a slippery slope."

"I let _______ wisdom show me the way."

"It's my right to carry a gun."

Je déteste les quatre légumes suivants

cooked carrots

green beans

olives

radishes

4 relevant Canadian political parties from best to worst

The Liberal Party of Canada

The Green Party of Canada

The NDP

The Conservative Party of Canada

4 movie's settings I'd live in

Pleasantville

Back to the Future 2

Sideways

Dude, Where's My Car?

4 karaoke songs I sing

Take it Easy- The Eagles

Sweet Caroline- Neil Diamond

Material Girl- Madonna

Wherever You Will Go- The Calling

4 nationalities that get an automatic +1 on the "Bret likes you" scale

England

Sri Lanka

Ireland

Scotland

4 things that if I could I would

never work again

fly to the moon

watch my own funeral

sail around the world

4 aliases I'd use if on the run

Bret Evans

Bert Buhacher

Bob Byeon

Bea Arthur

 

 

 

Random recollections from the North Korean trip...

a)  "Number 16!  Hurry up!  Now!" yelled the customs officer as I tried to retrieve my luggage that had fallen off the baggage belt.  Every person that came into North Korea had a "passport" that was to be worn around your neck all the time you were in the country.  I was 23-16.  All three of my bags fall off the belt as they went through the scanner and, of course, no one picked them for me, so I was a bit slow getting up to the counter, too slow, apparently.

b)  Your passport must be returned in perfect condition.  It poured rain the first day I was there.  Luckily, I bought a smock at one of the booths, so mine was protected.  Two people in our group were not as lucky and were dinged with a 100 dollar fine.

c)  The passports had all your personal information on it, including country of birth and ethnicity.  As you were going through customs the North Korean officials quizzed you on what your passport said, so you were told to make sure you said exactly what was on the card.  Three people were from London.  Their birthplace said England, but their ethncity said Nigerian.  Being of white skin, their ethnicity was not Nigerian.  They were told to lie, though, as "The North Korean officials won't know what Nigerian means."

d)  On buses, off buses, and on to new buses was the story of the trip.  Before we got into North Korea, our cameras were checked for I'm not quite sure, but something to do with lens.  Mine passed the test, but I somehow managed to leave it on the bus.  So, I had to buy a disposable camera on my arrival.

e)  We had some free time between going to the sites, so we asked if we could go to the beach.  A woman at the tourist booth got on the phone and told the person on the other end "two foreigners want to go to the beach."  A few minutes later a bus pulled up.  We got on, the only ones, and took the 20 or so minute ride to a beach.  It was really a beach.  We could see sand but we weren't allowed to go on it.  We were allowed to walk up and down the boardwalk of the beach.  As the bus followed a few paces behind us, watching our every move.

f)  There were a lot of "watchers", soldiers most of them.  With stern faces and an ugly green uniform.  They hid in mountains and in trees.  Some were in plain sight.  All carried a red flag.  I assume that if they saw something out of order happened, they would raise the red flag and chaos would ensue, but it didn't happen so we'll never know.

g)  There were a lot of rules.  Particularly with regards to cameras.  No pictures of soldiers.  No pictures of the canons in the mountains.  No pictures of the villages we drove by.  No pictures of the people.  No pictures in certain areas, for reasons not apparent to me.  Basically, anything that was of interest to me wasn't allowed to be photographed.  And they had many people a-watching to make sure the rules were followed.  Cameras were even checked in and out of the country to make sure nothing got through.

h)  The only remotely interesting picture for me that could be taken was a big billboard of Kim Jong Il and his father, Kim Il Sung.  We were, of course, not allowed to take a picture.  But we could get a North Korean, too.  We were told the doormen at the nearby hotel could do it.  The reason we couldn't take it ourselves was that every picture had to be taken from the same place at the same angle and amount of zooming in.  We were allowed to be in the picture and could smile as long as were weren't mocking the picture in anyway.

i)  I had my disposable picture taking the allowable photos from the allowable locales.  Our final spot on the trip was a walk around some lake.  As I walked by a group of Koreans, I heard the overused introduction, "Where are you from?"  Some South Korean guy on another tour, of course, wanted to practice his English on me.  He started to follow me all along the path.  I couldn't shake him.  It didn't help that we were walking on rocks in the water.  In his haste to catch up with me and make conversation slipped and fell into me, knocking my disposable camera into the water.  I was able to retrieve the camera, but am not yet sure if any of the photos have been salvaged.

 

When teaching I always give my students the option of keeping their Korean name or using an English name in the class.  When I started back teaching again this fall, I once again had the task of learning a bunch of new names.  In one class when I was going around asking their names, one told me his name was Fishing.  I said to myself, "Not really a name, but whatever, Fishing you shall be called!"

Later, I began to hear kids telling me, "Teacher, he is fishing me! He is fishing me!"  Fishing was everywhere!

Clearly a new Konglish word had been born.  Fishing was clearly destined to joy the elite Konglish words, such as u-turn-uh, dutch-ee pay, and sharp (a mechanical pencil).

"He's fishing me!" means that that person is a liar.  Somehow picked up and Koreanized from the association between fish, fish stories, and lies.

Having lived in Korea for a number of years now has opened my eyes to a whole strangeness in the Land of Morning Calm and Kimchi.  Not much surprises me or shocks about Korea or Koreans.

However, the other day I was walking out along the water that runs through the middle of the city where I saw a big sign in both Korean and English.  It was authorized by the City of Daegu and read "Danger: Otter Crossing"

Despite having a George Costanzaian knowledge of aquatic life, I had my doubts as to the validity of the sign.  We're in the middle of the city, where are the otters coming from?  Why had I not heard of this before?  Knowing the weather here and the lack of acquatic life in the water I questioned can otters just randomly live wherever they want?  For information I sought out the all-knowing wikipedia.  Wikipedia made no mention of any otters living in Asia.  Perhaps, Daegu as its own unique species of otter that somehow lives by a body of water that has parts of it dried up in the summer.  Maybe not.

When I ask my students an opinion style question, often my students will ask, "Teacher, my think?"

Usually I'm all about correcting student's misprounciation and sentence structure, except in instances where what they are saying is funny to me. "My think" cracks me up whenever I hear it.  So, I always counter the student's query with, "Yes, your think."

Well when it comes the truthfulness of otter danger in Daegu, my think on the whole subject is very simple, somebody is fishing me!

I seem to recall watching something once with the ominous title of DWB.  It was about racial profiling and how police were more likely to stop drivers who were black.  DWB stood for driving while black.  This blog entry will not give its opinion on a subject as serious as this.

Instead the criteria will be given for a different DWB, do wake Bret.  This should serve as a kind of opposite to a DNR.

This will be a guide for all to follow, as of late there seems to be confusion to what is a worthy reason for waking me from my slumber.  All of these reasons assume that the said person knows I am sleeping.

1.  Someone of importance to me dies.

2.  My apartment building is on fire.

3.  The North attacks and need to get the hell out.

4.  I have won the lottery or a prize valued at $10,000 or more.  Prizes or cash wins of under $10,000 can wait until I wake up.

5.  I am going to be late for work.

6.  The vodka truck has crashed in front of my building and the driver is dead,   leading to the possibilities of vodka pilfering.

7.  Sexy men are mud wrestling with in sight of my apartment.  As to what constitutes sexy men, C.C. shall be consulted about sexy-worthiness.

8.  There is a scary dog or dirty cat roaming the halls of my apartment.

9.  I am late for a flight to go on vacation.

10. Stephen Harper or George W. Bush are dead.

11. Elvis is alive.

This list is considered exhaustive and shall be followed at all times.  I sleep at strange times and have no set sleeping schedule.  This DWB would also like to state that contrary to one of my grandmother’s beliefs I do not do chores, especially in the morning.

Dated on this fine day April 8th of 2008

Be careful.  A simple enough, straight forward directive.  I’ve heard it all my life.

My Mom likes to worry.  She worries about anything and everything.  As she puts it, "You two asses (my brother and I) don’t worry about anything, so I have to."

What amuses me about her worrying is that her only advice to dangers life throws at you are to be careful.

At age fifteen, I began binge drinking.  One fall night, I was so drunk that I was caught by the police wandering the streets of my town in sock feet.  Since then every time she knows I’m going to be drinking, she doesn’t say not to drink too much.  She throws out a be careful.  She even does it over the webcam when I’m in Korea.

At age eighteen, when I went to University, my Mom told me that there was a problem with people robbing you and then stealing your shoes.  So, I asked if she thought I shouldn’t wear shoes.  "No, just be careful," she replied.

My life is full of examples.  On moving to Korea, there are terrorists, so be careful.  On being gay, you can get AIDS, so be careful.

It’s been said that if something is said to you enough, you begin to believe it.  Is the same true in this situation? 

I was partaking in one of my favorite Korean pastimes, glasses shopping.  I bought a pair (a pair of pairs) and the women working the counter, who while helping me spoke no English, suddenly blurted out a be careful as she handed me the glasses.

"To be careful or not be careful, that is the question." I think someone famous might have said this.

While I’ll never be as careful as my Mom wants me to be, I’ve long stopped being on the lookout for the Saskatoon Shoe Stalker, I figure if I’ve got people like the glasses lady looking out for me, I’ll be okay.

..> ..>

Characters in this story A- a boy B-a girl TD- taxi driver OB- Old vegetable ladies Scene 1- On the phone.  Friday 12:05 PM (Insert annoying Korean cell phone song) B- Hmm. A- Annyung.  Are you still sleeping? B- Yes, I'm minned out. A- What's that mean? B- Mega tired. A- Oh, you babo!  Get up, we must go to the downtown for the lunch. B- Quelle heure fait-il? A- 12:06. B- Hmm.  Where do you want to meet? A- Family Mart-uh aye-suh-mana-go-ship-uh-yo? B- Huh? A- Let's meet at Family Mart at 1:30. B- Nay.  Annyung. Scene 2-  Family Mart at 1:45 A- Bonjour, babo.  Let's catch a cab. (They enter cab) TD- Hmm. B- Migliore. TD-  HUH? A- Migliore-uh TD- Migliore-uh. Nye. Scene 3-  Downtown (Man walks by) B- Ohhh J'mappelle, comment ca va! A- No, he's just a j'mappelle. B- Jjin-ja? A- Jjinja. B- You're lunacious!  He's a definite j'mappelle comment ca va? A- No he's not.  He's barely even a j'mappelle. Scene 4- Exiting the restaurant A- Carrots and cucumber sa-go-ship-uh-yo. B- Me, too.  Let's go there before we go home. Scene 5- In the vicinity of a vegetable stand. A- Oh, look at the old bats.  How cute are they today? B- Leally ciupta. (A and B approach the vegetable stand) A- Annyung old bats! (Old ladies begin to swarm B, rubbing her head and poking her breasts) B-  What are they doing to me?  Why me? A- Because you're so cute. OB- (non-understandable Korean) bobo (non-undertstandable Korean). B-  Did she call me babo? A-  I think she said bobo. OB- Bobo (Old ladies cackle away) B- What does bobo mean? A- Mulio, we'll find out later. (A and B eventually buy vegetables and return to their apartments.) Scene 6- On MSN Messenger B- what are you doing? A-  just killing another one of those derupta moths. B-  i'm going to the gym.... A- ok. ovaaaa. B- you mean au revoir? A- oui. B- see you at the weekend! THE END