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April 26, 2009 - Sunday
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Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Blogging
My current frustration is family members who are wasting their lives by not living! Drinking and parties are meant for recreation and shouldn't be the only thing you wake up in the morning for. While they're partying there are two very sick people who can't. Why not have family time amongst them? No, instead they go out and drink because as always alcohol wins again. It's so hard to deal with so many loved ones who drink. They're taking the easy way out. They can't deal with the hard parts of life. They are weak. My one vow and promise I've made to myself is to never again drink, smoke or do drugs. I'm not doing it because I'm psycho religious or anything like that. I'm doing it as a promise or vow to myself.
I'm so repulsed by drinkers it has become hard to watch my dad do the one thing I hate. I love my dad. It hurts that much more when I watch him bring home his six or twenty four pack that he can finish in one night. It has gotten to the point that when someone else goes out to get it for him I'm sometimes asked what kind he usually gets. It's to the point where I'm expected to know what he drinks. He is dependant on it. He is such a strong person and I feel like he doesn't realize what it has done to me to grow up watching. My parents know how bad it is and how its effected their children, living with an alcoholic. My parents don't even call it beer. They've taught their children to call it "juice". What kind of message does that send? They want to desensitize us from the severity of alcoholism. I myself have covered for him on numerous ocassions. Sometimes my mother will trust him with us for ONE night and he'll get so drunk he barely remembers we're here. Of course the following morning when my mother asks how the night was and when the kids got to bed I cover for him and say it all went splendid. It is horrible to see your father, a pilar of strength in the family, reduced to a pathetic state. Eyes squinted and confused, smelling of pure beer wondering. As recently as three weeks ago when I was sick I went to him to see what to do or how I should handle the situation and he was so drunk that and confused that all he could say repeatedly, "What do you want me to do?".
Very few people know about my father and his state. In public he's just another marine who treats everyone kindly and is very polite. He's just like every other alcoholic. Nobody would ever know what he does at night and how drunk he gets. People say that alcoholism isen't genetic. The hell it isn't. There's been generations of drinkers that can be traced through my family in the men. My mother married a duplicate of her father. There's been so many instances where I've seen my dad ridiculously drunk. I went to Canada for a visit with the family. I was probably 6 or 7. My brother Hunter who's now 11 was an infant. Well one night my parents went out with my godfather and his wife to go drinking and hang out. Well the next morning my dad finally showed up without my mom at the door drunk off his ass screaming at my grandmother to give his keys to him. She held her ground and refused. He threw a table over and went through the house. He almost threw back a door I was standing behind. He just looked at me and kept on his war path. My grandmother got up and grabbed my brother and I and walked up to my aunt's house. He screamed so hard at us. Telling us everything he'd do if we didn't come back. That night of course my mother and he came home sober with a wicked hangover. My mother was covered in bruises that neither of them remembered how they occured. I was so confused. I didn't want to be near him. When I wanted to leave my grandmother wouldn't let me she kept saying spend time with your parents. They disgusted me. They couldn't even talk they had lost their voices. They tried to make conversation with me as if I hadn't been there this morning. That was the quietest night of my life. Another time was When I was in about..4th or 3rd grade I came home from a regular day at school and couldn't find my dad anywheres. My brother who was probably 3 or 4 years old was alone in the house not supervised at all. I went outside called him walked around the house. I checked the rooms and found him face down on the bed passed out. I was 9 or 10 years old and I had no idea what was wrong with him. What it must be like to be so young and not be able to wake up your father nobody will ever know. I cried. I went back and took care of my brother. Since then it's always been the same.
All I can really say is I'm okay with what happened to me when I was a child. It has made me what I am today. I know I'm not the only one to have had to deal with a father who drinks, but I am the only one who has this story to tell, one that is all my own. I do love my family. That is why I feel as disgusted at alcohol as I do. It has taken moments I could have spent with my family members away. Instead I've spent those moments with a shell of a person. Alcohol and Drugs they're doors. Doors you walk out of to get away from something. Your kidding yourself if you think your doing it because it's fun. Your doing it because you escape, maybe just for a little while. Things all go away and your just in it. Just in that moment. But what does that say about your character. That you have to get away that bad. Have a back bone and go through all these things that life brings.
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