I look out the window

Knowing warmth is all around

Yet I feel the chill that looms

Autumn will be here soon

With it will be my broken soul

Deep within my bones, my soul

I feel it

Cynthia Dockery Allgood, September 6, 2007

Overcast skies and an overcast heart

This I cannot avoid

I feel my sorrow creeping in

My father would've been 50 today.  Most of you know he lived to be only 41.  It's funny, you know.  Daddy would've thought 50 was old, and he never wanted to be old.  God knows he certainly didn't act his age, ever.  It amazes me, to know how sick he was, for such a long time, and to know that he was still full of life.  I think my father was afraid of getting older, becoming old and useless.  I guess he went when he was still young enough for people to say he died so young.  My father would've been 50 today, and how I wish he were here, so I could make fun of him for geting so old :)

I love you Daddy, and I miss you so much

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder, 
Who you'd be today?

Dear

Hello Dear I love you so much

And you know I love you in such

A way I can't explain

But now my dear I must complain

I found red stains all over your shirt

Don't lie to me because I know it's not dirt

I smelled perfume yesterday in your car

Don't tell me it's air freshener, that smell's too bizarre

Who did you by lingerie for the week before last

I know it wasn't for me, my birthday has already passed

Walking into town, I saw her in your car

That's when I could see her death wasn't far

Sorry my dear, I shot her in the head

Now I can live knowing she's dead

Play the little game, try not to get beat

Time for supper Dear, what do you want to eat

Cynthia Dockery, October 1995, age 15

Hurry

Loneliness looms

Inside the heart

Of a hurried mind

No time for tears

No time for sadness

There is no time

For anything

But hurried thoughts

And hurried actions

Keep yourself busy

And don't look back

The past slows you down

And for no good reason

So bury those feelings

You just can't shake

Don't let on

As to how you feel

Just hurry

              Cynthia Dockery

  This time of year is always a hard one for me, has been since 1999.  Father's Day 1999 was the last time I saw my father alive.  He passed away July 5, 1999, at age 41.  The details of his death aren't important, but those of you closest to me know that alcohol was the contributing factor.  I was 4 months pregnant the day my father passed away, and although not many people believe me, that was the day I felt Nicole move for the first time.  She was born exactly 5 months later on December 5.  I remember how after Nicole was born, I cried a lot for the first few weeks.  Yes, postpartum I'm sure, but to look at the face of your most precious baby and to want to see the expression on your father's face when he looked at her...  I just hurt so much, and with every birth of a new grandchild he'd never see, my heart broke even more.  As I sit here typing this, I feel the tears burning behind my eyes, trying my best to keep them at bay.  Too late, here they are, falling sown my face.  I'll be ok though, because I know he no longer suffers, but I'll always hurt, no matter what.  I love you Daddy, and I'll always miss you, more than you'll ever know, and more than I really want to. 

If We Never Meet Again This Side Of Heaven

Soon we'll come to the end of life's journey
And perhaps never meet anymore
Till we gather in heaven's bright city
Far away on that beautiful shore

If we never meet again this side of heaven
As we struggle through this world and its strife
There's another meeting place somewhere in heaven
By the side of the river of life

Where the charming roses bloom forever
And where separations come no more
If we never meet again this side of heaven
I will meet you on that beautiful shore

Oh breaking heart

And restless mind

Come together

And find some peace

And the right answer

And contentment

And relief

                          Cynthia Dockery

To be surrounded by people

Yet feel all alone

That's how it feels

When love has left you.

                            Cynthia Dockery

A beautiful thing

Between two people

Can be destroyed

By the truth.

                           Cynthia Dockery

Sometimes I take life

Too seriously

I wonder if the good times

Passed me by

Because I was looking too hard

At the bad.

                            Cynthia Dockery

I'm beginning to think college is an institution

For social interaction

Between stupid people

The smart ones sit alone.

                          Cynthia Dockery

Knowing that you self-destruct

Yet you keep doing it

Why

                          Cynthia Dockery

So many times

I've wished

To have you here

To see you smile

To hear you laugh

So many times

I've wanted to

Run to you

To have you hold me

Tell me everything's okay

So many times

I've wondered

How life would be

With you still alive

Watching how things become

So many times

I've cried

Wanting my father

And no one else

So many times

Did You Know All Along

Did you know all along

That we would never be

Or while time fueled my desire

Did it kill yours 

                               Cynthia Dockery

I Just Wonder

Do you think of me

As I think of you

Not of love, or commitment, or marriage

I just wonder

Do days exist for you

When I am planted in your mind

                                 Cynthia Dockery

Did Lonely Nights Occur

Did lonely nights occur

In your life

When you wished

I were the one

Sleeping next to you

                           Cynthia Dockery

        I knew you once, when I was without sadness and guilt, and you were happy and in love.  In your eyes I was without faults, and that was yours, to believe me perfect, a saint.  Maybe you knew I would not live up to my reputation.  Maybe you knew I would fail, just so you could have a broken heart o blame on me.

                                                  Cynthia Dockery

        Let me fall in love, if only for a day, so that I may experience the feeling of abandonment and live through child-like qualities that I once knew but have long forgot.  Let me feel free in all that I do and surrender to the natural desires of my soul, for that is when I am truly happy.  Let me do these things with a humorous sense, and disreguard the feelings of sadness, for they are bitter and no longer needed.

                                                 Cynthia Dockery

          A little girl lives in my soul, but she ran away.  She no longer enjoyed the trips down memory lane.  She saw the uselessness in it, as I do now.  What’s the point when it doesn’t change what has already occurred?  It just fuels the fire of broken hearts.

                                                Cynthia Dockery