Well now for those that would like to know what has been going on in my life as of late, things aren't going quite so well for me. For the most part I guess it all started back in March when I acquired my car, as bad ass as it is that I have my own vehicle now things since then have been really odd, within the first month of me having this car the headgasket blew on it so I had it fixed and about a month later I decided that even though I still have 2 years to pay it off fuck that I want to pay it off as soon as humanly possible, so I have been working my ass off to be able to walk in to the dealership and say this is my last payment and slam 7 grand on the table and walkout never having to return, so here I am working 6 days a week 7-10 hours a day and everything is going allright at first but then my car starts to smoke on me arrrgggg so I take my car to a mechanic and they say all I need is an oil change so excellent nothing to critical, so about a month later when I have almost met the mileage for me to get another oil change my car starts to smoke again and this time I am like ok I was going to go get another oil change anyway now it seems like I really need it, so I get another oil change but this time my car still smokes after I get it back so I take back to them and this time they say that my oil valve is busted so ok fix it, but it still smokes again after they fix that, so again I bring it back and what do you know they change my oil again, so now my car has stopped smoking after this oil change at least for about 2 weeks anyway and this time my car is leaking oil pretty bad so I take it back and they say that I have a crack in the oil filter and I need another oil change so god dammit I get another fucking oil change, so now everything should be all good right fuck no not even 2 weeks later my car starts leaking oil again and this time I know exactly what the problem is so I take my car to a kwik car to get my oil changed and what do you know they pull out my oil filter and it has the same crack in it as the last one did, so they explain to me that whenever the last mechanic put it in they used a pair of pliers and that is what the crack is from, so god dammit the mechanics that I have been taking my car to have just been fucking ripping me off left and right so fuck them.

So now my car is running pretty good and I am ready to work my schedule this week but we have been really slow so Monday I go on split to save on some labor hoping that on Tuesday I can make up the hours, well Tuesday comes and we have borrowed some help to run shift but he has tattoos on his arms so he has to go home and get an undershirt to cover his tattoos so I am pulled off the road to run shift until he comes back (if any of you are lost I am working at Domino's as a delivery driver so whenever I took my car into the shop to get it fixed I lost more than just the cost of the repairs I also last hours and tips on top of that) so fuck I don't even get to drive at all until 1 o'clock then by 2 someone has to go on split again and fucking hell my boss calls and says he wants me to go on split so god dammit I am fucked again, so in a week where I will have somewhere in between 14-20 hours after 2 shifts I am here with maybe 9 and since I haven't been able to get all that many tips from us being slow I haven't even made up for the last oil change I got on Monday.

Of course now with any guy if there is anytime that things aren't going so well for him there is usually a girl somewhere in the picture and this is no exception, a few months back I met this one girl and things I thought were starting to go farely well, with my schedule being the way that it has been and her living just a little far away we were only really able to see each other once every couple of weeks, we had made plans to see each other more than that but things come up and we weren't able to, which is cool I am fine with that I don't have to see someone I like everyday as long as I still see them, but now just about 2 months ago she went out of town with her friend for a week then directly after that she went out of town for a week for work, so while she was gone was when most of my car problems ensued. Before she comes back she leaves me a message saying that she would call me when she does get back, I didn't expect her too I was thinking she would be a little tired, so when she didn't I wasn't to shocked, so I send her a message saying she never called me and that I didn't expect her too right away, so a couple of days go by and still nothing from her not even a response from my message, so I leave her another message, at this point I don't even remmember what I said in that message but it doesn't matter because she didn't respond to that one either as a matter of fact she didn't even read it until about a week and a half later when I had tried calling her and left a message for her to call me back when she woke up, I had tried calling her a couple of times before then but she was out, so then finally I call her and she is there and awake and she tells me about how depressed she is and that she just didn't feel like going out at all and she would call me whenever she is back to her normal self, so ok I can understand depression if there is anyone around that can understand depression it would be me for those of you that have seen my you would see that I have been very depressed in the past, but I get to thinking about everything and it doesn't make sense to me if she didn't feel like going out at all why was she never there, and she had even admitted that when I called while she was asleep she had just got home and was tired, and why did she not even read my message when I could clearly see that she had been online quite a bit since I sent it, so I try to send her a message about a little over a week later after our last conversation to try and explain how I felt about the whole situation and well the message doesn't go through, and the only reason why it would go through would be because she has now blocked my email, I know that my computer wasn't messing up because I sent messages before and after I tried to send hers, it wouldn't hurt so bad if she would just fucking tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore and not just avoid me and block my email, but hey what should I have expected every girl that I like does this, so far there has only been one girl that I have liked that actually told me she doesn't want to see me anymore, (what is really fucked up about that is just days before she broke up with me she had told me I was everything she was ever looking for in a guy) but afterwards she started sending mixed signals and really fucked my world up, that is where some of the scars on my arm have come from. 

So yeah that is some of what has been going on here in my life lately usually about this time I would go back into what I call hermit mode where I just say fuck everyone and keep to myself for months on end, and I really have been following that pattern but I am trying to get myself out of doing that, that is the main reason I have posted this blog to vent some of what I have been feeling lately. So please anyone who reads this don't be afraid to show some love, I could sure use a little right about now.  Take Care @};- Ray

Blood of my blood,

Flesh of my flesh.

There is nothing inside of me,

There is nothing left.

I am so sick and tired of just basically living,

I am so sick and tired of Giving and Giving.

When will I find someone who will open their heart,

Why do they always have to tear mine apart.

When will I find someone who will actually care,

And not just say they do when I am right there.

There are so many around me who say that they do,

Then why am I so lonely how can this be true.

If I am such a sweet guy and I am kind of cute,

Why do they reject me and give me the boot.

All I have known was to do the right thing,

But what has that got me NOT ONE DAMN THING.

I do not know if my heart will ever be whole,

Or if I shall remain a dark and twisted soul.

I am thankfull for all that have shown me some light,

And I will not go down, at least not without a fight.

My heart is empty sad but it is true,

With all the torment that I have gone through.

I start to like a girl and she will like a friend,

And it keeps happening again and again.

Everything is all good though because we are still friends,

But I can't help but wonder what it would be like with them.

I will not stand in the way of happiness it's one thing I wont do,

But how will I reach mine, what more will I have to go thorugh.

If in this life thier is Karma,

Then I am getting shafted I say as I cut into my arm.

If things do work out in the end,

Then I hope it comes soon, I don't know how much longer I can pretend.

I don't know all the things I have done wrong,

All I can do is put them in this song,

The song of my life.

Will I ever find what I want.