I just had the weirdest dream. I fell asleep about 7:30PM (I just woke up and it’s about 9:45 now). I can only remember bits and pieces, but maybe someone can help figure things out for me.

 

I was with a group of girls that I don’t know. We were traveling through Staten Island, and I was under the impression that this was supposed to be years ago. I remember gorgeous houses that turned into impoverished areas. One thing that stuck out the most was that it was night time, and there were little bits of bright white everywhere. On doors, on garage doors, on this white mini van that sped past me, and even on the little plastic package that comes with disposable cameras. It was so vivid against the black street pavement. There were little lights coming out from everywhere like street lights, but I didn't see lamposts at all.

 

Then my dream switched to something else. It was supposed to be my room at home I guess. There was my pink lighter sitting on my bed. Not to far from it was an orange bic lighter. I was mad because my hair is straight in actual life (I did it two nights ago), and in the dream it was also straight. Someone was being facetious and poured conditioner on it. I got really mad at the person and I started to cry and scream that it had taken me forever to wash and dry my hair. The thing is, I know this person. He constantly hits on me and teases me to be cute. When he’s drunk he’s always around me. The scariest – he is from SI.

 

Finally, my dream switched back to the other story it was trying to tell. More white. White canvas in a museum. Then I saw a brilliant painting. It was supposed to be about life and death. Whenever its photographed things seem to magically disappear from film. Supposedly things that were supposed to be photographed as black could only be seen as white to me. I remember my little group standing against the painting for pictures. We kind of became part of it when we did this. There were bright oranges, reds, and bits of black on white.

 

In western cultures, white is a good thing. It means clarity. It means that new things are starting and that my subconscious is willing to accept them. It sort of represents a new chapter. However, in eastern cultures, it means death. There are recurrent themes in this dream. The street and the lights also mean clarity and understanding. The museum is the exact opposite. It is a history of myself and the past. The camera means that I am clinging on to the past. Maybe my standing up against the painting was like me literally being in my past?

 

I have this terrible feeling that is the case. Everyone knows when I am someone content and okay with things in my life I start seeing things again. If anyone is good with dreams, help me out!

Guess who got tickets?

 

MEEEEEEEEEE.

12/8 @ MSG bitches. I am so excited it hurts. heheheheh

second intermission
anticipation
you know the third act
small talk drops out of the play
you're standing in the lobby
tightening your tourniquet
waiting for it
and then the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and there's no time to ask

no bliss for little miss leading
cuz she's learning about bleeding
but what is love if not exquisite
our only saving grace
or is it?
and somewhere inside your iris
blooms the reflection of my surprise
as you stroll past every last do not enter
and touch me at my epicenter
and the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and there's no time to ask

i'm always trying to get there
i never really get there
to that quiet place where
i accept myself
instead i'm deep inside some high school
locker room no clothing
popping the zits of my self loathing
under fluorescent lights
and the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and you're too ashamed to ask

second intermission
anticipation
you know the third act
small talk drops out of the play
and you're standing in the lobby
tightening your tourniquet
waiting for it
waiting for it

 

*Sigh*

 

I hate being sick. I HATE it. Especially having a cold and a fever. Not a fun combination. My noise hurts. My new name should be Rudolph.

 

I went to the campus doctor today. He really didn’t do much (which made me laugh because this is one of the best medical schools in the country) except write me up a script for a medicine that the campus pharmacy doesn’t even have. Wonderful right? So I’ll probably be missing classes again tomorrow.

 

I’m kind of aggravated tonight. My newest pet peeve is when people come in and out of my suite and slam the door. My entire room shakes when they do this. So in a very nonchalant manner, I put up a “Please do not slam this door” sign. Every ten seconds, the door slams. So I’m sitting in my room talking to people minding my own business and I hear “What is Sarah’s fucking problem? She was wide awake and on the phone and kept bitching about the door slamming.” So of course, I take the opportunity to make this girl look like an asshole, so I walked outside my suite and said, “First off, I’ve been up for the past forty five minutes. That door has slammed tons of times. Would you like to come in my room? My ENTIRE room shakes when you slam that door. Do you know how grating that is over and over and over again? And second, if you’re going to say shit about me, say it to my face.”  

 

Silence. Fucking morons. I’m sick. I look and feel like shit. Give me a break. It pisses me off. I couldn’t sleep at all last night, and when I finally would drift off the door would slam. At six o’clock in the morning. I swear the next time that door slams I will personally stand there and slam it over and over again just to see how they like it. !!!

 

Seriously, if you have something to say about someone, say it to their face. Why? Because you look/sound like a moron and a pussy with far too much time on your hands if you spend your free time talking shit about people who really deserve SO much more credit. Now, this isn't really about me. I was just making a point. People are becoming another pet peeve ..

 

Not even to mention this same girl fucks her boyfriends (notice that the word is plural) in my suite all the time. And because the walls are paper thin, I hear it. Fucking disgusting.

 

That felt good. After all this was supposed to be a quiet dorm. Is there ever quiet? No.

 

I got an RA nomination the other day. Dunno if I mentioned that. Free room and board if I do it. I want to do this.

 

I want to go home for a few days.

 

Mom's are always good for this stuff.

 

...and TABOO TUESDAY BITCHES. Joey is taping this for me. If any of you tell me what happens, your balls will be stapled to your bed frame.

I just filled out maybe the tenth job application since I've been in Stony Brook. Its for a store here called Utopia. The shop is pretty much like Hot Topic, but the clothes are better, the prices are higher, and they sell jewelry and adult shit. I don't know, I walked in there and I completely fell in love with the place. I need money! There were kids here last night that said they could try to get me a job at Target, but I'm not sure if that's the place for me. It would be Walgreens all over again and I am reallllly not up for that.

I was supposed to come home this weekend (again) but the trains aren't running to Stony Brook on Sat or Sun so I was forced to stay here. Of course I was talked into going to a party tonight. It turned out to be a drag, so a whole group of us left early.

I miss Lisa! I'm so glad I got to talk to you today girlie. You are my favorite and nothing is ever the same without you. I got another bed in my room. Come and sleep on it! lol

I am in a really good mood today. I want this to last!

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the pieces, then you can leave me
alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.

my knife it's sharp and chrome
come see inside my bones
all of the fiends are on the block
I'm the new king
I taste the queen
in here we are all anemic
in here anemic and sweet

go get your knife go get your knife
and come in
go get your knife go get your knife
and lay down
go get your knife go get your knife
now kiss me

I can float here forever
in this room we can't touch
the floor in here
we're all anemic
in here anemic and sweet so

go get your knife go get your knife
and come in
go get your knife go get your knife
and lay down
go get your knife go get your knife
now kiss me

No te quiero sino porque te quiero
y de quererte a no quererte llego
y de esperarte cuando no te espero
pasa mi corazón del frío al fuego.

Te quiero sólo porque a ti te quiero,
te odio sin fin, y odiándote te ruego,
y la medida de mi amor viajero
es no verte y amarte como un ciego.

Tal vez consumirá la luz de Enero,
su rayo cruel, mi corazón entero,
robándome la llave del sosiego.

En esta historia sólo yo me muero
y moriré de amor porque te quiero,
porque te quiero, amor, a sangre y fuego

~Pablo Neruda

Where were you when I fell from grace
Frozen heart, an empty space
Something's changing, it's in your eyes
Please don't speak, you'll only lie
I found treasure not where I thought
Peace of mind can't be bought
Still I believe

I just hang on
Suffer well
Sometimes it's hard
It's hard to tell

An angel led me when I was blind
I said take me back, I've changed my mind
Now I believe
From the blackest room, I was torn
He called my name, a love was born
So I believe

I just hang on
Suffer well
Sometimes it's hard
It's hard to tell

I just hang on
Suffer well
Sometimes it's hard
So hard to tell

She's not the kind of girl
Who likes to tell the world
About the way she feels about herself
She takes a little time in making up her mind
She doesn't want to fight against the tide

And lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone

Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

Can't bear to face the truth
So sick he cannot move
And when it hurts he takes it out on you

And lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone

Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing

She knows the human heart
And how to read the stars
Now everything's about to fall apart
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing

NEVER FUCKING AGAIN, EVER. (But maybe to see the Cruxshadows ..lol)

I thought, gee the Batcave sounds like fun. After the part where some douche bag is literally rubbing himself against me, it completely killed the experience.

Dancing (as crappy as I am at it) never fails to make me a teeny bit happy. I had a great time tonight. *Sigh* I miss Qs A LOT though.

I also got the beginning of what will be a project done on my ear. Gotta wait a couple of weeks for the barbell. It hurts like a bitch right now. Its weird because I enjoy the pain. Maybe there is something terribly wrong with me, but I get this shit done and I feel proud ..heh. I asked the guy if I can put in the barbell myself at school so he hands me the plyers and starts demonstrating with such a serious face on. LOL can you imagine me sitting there with plyers to my ear ..oy vey.

I'm going back to Stony Brook tomorrow afternoon. Probably wont be back in SI until Novemberish. Part of me is really happy about that. It will be nice to get away from douche bags who spend there time trying to fuck with my head only to make me sit here and laugh at how people REALLY need to find a better hobby. Jerk off. Fuck your girlfriend (or boyfriend - that may be the case). Just do something of substance other than trying to terrorize someone who is so fed up of games by this point. I'm 18 and I don't even do that shit.

That is all.

The most difficult emotion is feeling trapped inside oneself. It is to have thoughts so incoherent they can not even be formulated into words. Once you finally do realize what you actually did feel and how you really wanted to say things, it’s too late.

 

We all make mistakes. It is curiosity that drives us to discover and learn and grow. This has become my mantra. I find myself repeating over and over again “It’s okay, it’s only a mistake. Everything will be better.” Everything is not better.

 

I want to write. I want to swim in a pool of words and sentences and paragraphs and chapters and novels and poetry. I want my words to mean something to someone who may read them. I want to understand these words myself and use them. I can’t.

 

I used to use the analogy of being in a hole. Every time things became shitty I dug a hole for myself. Now I look at it as an in-between. I am trapped between the earth and that hole. My arms are flailing, I am screaming, but no one can hear me.

 

I’ve been told that perhaps pills can stop all this. They can make me artificially happy and secure. I don’t really know how a person that has never felt this way could possibly understand any of this. Many will say, “Oh Sarah you are a teenager and you are experiencing what we all must go through.” Sometimes I get an “I’ve been there too” or “Trust me you’ll be fine.” What if I won’t? I’ve felt this way for YEARS. I have to constantly prove to people that I’m not crazy or a spoiled brat that whines and complains to get what she wants. Would you like to be in my shoes? Would you like to be the one screaming and wailing and flailing your arms like you are on fire? Would you like to cry for hours and have countless panic attacks? All I want is to breathe. I want security and love.

 

I want to trust. Period. I’ve been through this with friends, with boyfriends, with family, with everyone I come in contact with. I have this intense fear of commitment because everyone disappears in the end. Everyone knows how to take the knife out my back and jab it right in again. I am the most honest person you will ever come in contact with because I speak my mind. Then I go and I fall in love and I’m terrified and I can’t speak to my boyfriend because I’m so afraid of him hurting. I am so afraid to see him in pain like I am. I want to embrace the happiness that is a healthy relationship but I can’t because he is so happy and I don’t want to spoil that. Happy for me is foreign! There is a world of happy people. Smiling, gazing, stupid people who parade around patting each other on the back telling one another “Everything will be fine, trust me.” That is a fucking lie and you know it.

 

If I know what makes me happy I should have it. End of story. I’ve spent plenty of years crying and feeling miserable and blaming everyone else. If I tell you I love you, then you should fucking treasure it. If I tell you I want to try to work things out, that I believe in my love for you, give me a break. If you once said I love you to me, do you still love me or were you just saying it to say it? If I hurt you by doing something selfish, do you automatically stop loving me, or three months later realize you don’t love me anymore? How does that all work exactly? Do you laugh and over exaggerate your humor to ease tension or nerves? Are you that uncomfortable?

 

You see how I think? I am so miserable now, that I sit there and I ask these questions and that is why I’m “crazy.” Because you fucking drove me into it!

de/vision - "freedom"

I need an overdose of life
My secret to survive
To get a big kick out of live
I always go against the tide
I burn so fast but bright
And never see the red light

Don't keep your eyes on every step I take
Don't restrict me in every move I make
I wanna be free
Just take your hands off me
I gotta be free
No-one else can live my life for me

Despite of any consequence
Whatever makes no sense
I hold the whole world in my hands
And when I feel I'm out of sight
The chemical delights
Will lead me safely through the night

Don't tell me what I'm supposed to do
I am the only one who pulls me through
I wanna be free
Why don't you let me be
I gotta be free
Oh, why can't you just see
I wanna be free
Just take your hands off me
I gotta be free
No-one else can live my life for me

Don't steal the air from every breath I take
I don't give a shit for all the rules I break
I wanna be free
Why don't you let me be
I gotta be free
Oh, why can't you just see
I wanna be free
Just take your hands off me
I gotta be free
No-one else can live my life for me

This song never fails to choke me up. It is so incredibly beautiful:

p o s s e s s i o n - s a r a h  m c l a c h l a n
listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning
memories trapped in time
the night is my companion
and solitude my guide
would i spend forever here
and not be satisfied

and i would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
i’ll take your breath away
and after i’d wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

through this world i’ve stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word
to find the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles and
you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
you words keep me alive

and i would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
i’ll take your breath away
and after i’d wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

into this night i wander
it’s morning that i dread
another day of knowing of
the path i fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
i follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and i won’t be denied

and i would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
i’ll take your breath away
and after i’d wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear