fuck my lack of car.  fuck love.  everything is such a waste of energy. after 2 years of busting my ass at DQ I'm finally moving up.  at least I've got that.  everything not worth keeping on my mind I want out of my life.  if it doesn't want me, I don't want it.  time to release all the bad energy and everything weighing me down. and time to appreciate the reasons I moved to this wonderful city in the first place.

P.S. Waiting is awesome.  I want to be a waitress!  Tiiippss!

How does anyone do it? How do people compartmentalize their feelings, or or think with the logical right side of their brain as opposed to the overly emotional left side. Why can't I learn how to do that? It seems I've only been able to do one relatively rational thing in months.

What is it all worth? How do you go on living when all you want to do is curl up with the one person who makes you feel safe and loved? How do you know if you've made a mistake letting go? When all you do is miss them more than you can articulate in words?

How do you know you're finally doing what you need to do to feel better when it hurts more than it ever did to only feel like an option? When you miss being his more than anything, but deep down letting go was so painfully necessary?  If it were meant to be, it would be.  If you meant anything more to him, he wouldn't ever want to let you go.  You wish. You realize the only way to try and stop waiting for him? ...is to break your own heart all over again.

[Rihanna:]That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]But I hate it...You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long
that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]But I hate it...You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)

[Ne-Yo:]You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

Having my wrist broken is the scariest and most sickening thing I've ever experienced.  After reading about what could happen if 3 months in a cast doesn't do the job, the thought of the inside of my wrist crumbling managed to have me in tears.

I don't want a screw through my wrist.  I don't want a chunk of my pelvis removed.  And I can't take 3 more months in a cast.  I want to be normal and healthy, and I could really use some hugs right now.  I feel kind of lonely and overwhelmed, and if Thursday doesn't end up being my last day in a cast, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I would give anything for this legal accident bullshit to be over. Just give me a shitload of money so I can get out of debt and live on my own again. Btw, I CANNOT fucking wait to turn 21. I'm gonna go to a club, get drunk and get hit on by guys. And I would love to go to bars and have people buy me drinks, just to see if I can make it happen. And no more wanting guys that don't want me or getting stalked by people I would never look twice at. I need some fun.

I can't express how much I want out of these casts.

I miss being able to
go a day without a trip to the doctor
style my hair
get dressed up
type
work
open things
see my friends
walk normally
stop getting asked questions
have money
have my own place
be normal

I hate watching chick flicks.  I'm getting depressed.  If I were blonde, would I be more attractive?  If I were anyone other than myself, would I be different, any happier?

Who knows, all I can do is be me.  Hopefully that's enough.