It becomes clearer once you get older, and the fog of inexperience, innocence, and acquiescence leaves, that there are some things that we hold onto, gripped tightly into our hands until they become as white as they ghosts that we leave behind, for reasons irrevocably fruitless in their fervor. We are searchers by default, donning our lanterns well into the night until we find whatever it is we believe we were looking for – lovers, letters, lessons, laments – and in our triumphs, we forget the simplicity of our nature: we were conquerors first and became human only after another’s defeat.

For all of our passion, potential, and promise, our sullied hearts, dirtied by the grim that sneaks into unoccupied corners, and swollen heads, distended by the grit that slips into unforgotten compunctions, are our greatest adversaries, gigantic in their stature and insurmountable in their presence. And where would we be without our hearts and heads if not hollow and hard from their absence?

Our crimes, instead, are self-committed and afflicted as the emptiness that rests within our chests, just after the chase, and the bitterness that sets inside our heads, long after the clash, are the trophies that we collect from foreign shores, tokens of remembrance: we wanted them.

The lovers that we carelessly toss aside, the friends that we recklessly welded together, the dreams that we built feverishly tall, are all testaments to our shortsightedness. The bodies that we’ve pressed ourselves against, the hearts that we’ve wrapped ourselves around, the wishes we’ve carried ourselves along, came to us with broken bows and whittled arrows, forged from ashes that no fuse to burn but we try to spark to ignite. Those lights that we followed have been snuffed by our own blankets: we have dimmed all everything we thought would keep us alive.

Perhaps such errors could only be written by our own hands – we are our own enemies, the pen is the sword is the wound that we’ve plunged into hearts without any predilection. All in the name of righteousness we have trudged forward – to stand guard, to watch over, to look after long after the dawn has come to save us all, and we march on, clasping our wants close to our chests.

We fail to learn the one truth that would save everything around us: nothing that you hold onto can grow with your hands about its throat.

FEBRUARY
21st - The Picador, Iowa City.
William Elliott Whitmore, (ft) The Shadow Government
22nd - The Picador, Iowa City.
William Elliott Whitmore

VINYL:
William Elliott Whitmore - Animals In the Dark 12"

MARCH
17th - The Picador, Iowa City.
Bonnie 'Prince' Billy.

APRIL

VINYL:
International Super Heroes Of Hardcore - Takin' It Ova 12"
Modern Life Is War - Stagger Lee 7"

MAY

CD:
A Day To Remember - Homesick

JULY
29th - Warped Tour, Cincinnati.
Bayside, Sing It Loud, Anti-Flag, All Time Low, Alexisonfire, The Maine, A Day To Remember, Senses Fail.

AUGUST

VINYL:
Have Heart - Songs To Scream At the Sun 12"
Crime In Stereo - Selective Wreckage 12"
American Football - S/T 12"

11th - Southgate House, Newport.
Mayday Parade, Close To Home, The Flight Station. Watson Park.

SEPTEMBER
28th - The Picador, Iowa City.
CONVERGE

NOVEMBER
1st - People's Court, Des Moines
New Found Glory, Title Fight, Fallen From the Sky
5th - The Picador, Iowa City
Pelican, Black Cobra, Struck By Lightning
12th - Grinnell College, Grinnell
Why?, The Moore Brothers

VINYL
Daughters - Daughters 7"
Good Clean Fun - Prince 'Spoof' Picture Disc 7"
New Found Glory - Don't Let Her Pull You Down 7"

Why? - Elephant Eyelash 12"
Why? - Oaklandazulasylum 12"

I'm going to start keeping track of the shows I go to and the records/CDs/cassettes I acquire throughout the year. I realize I started this a little late in the game, however, I have a fairly astute memory as to when it comes to music. I'll update this regularly, mostly for my own benefit. (Edited note: I like to re-buy CDs. I need to stop doing this. UPDATE: I have bought the same Converge CD three times in the last year and a half. Fuck.)

JANUARY:
21st - The Mad Hatter. Covington, Kentucky.
Four Year Strong, Dead! Serious, The Upset Victory, This Enemy, Tear It Down

CDs:
Cru Jones -The Conversation
Forever And A Day - Where Has The Passion Gone?
Guster - Keep It Together
New Radicals - Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
The Wallflowers - Red Letter Days

FEBRUARY:
7th - The Poison Room. Cincinnati, Ohio.
Kris Roe from The Ataris

CDs:
Converge - Unloved and Weeded Out
Converge - Jane Doe

MARCH:
9th - The Mad Hatter. Covington, Kentucky.
Bury Your Dead, Emmure, The Warriors, With Blood Comes Cleansing, Suicide Pact

VINYL:
Converge - Petitioning The Empty Sky and When Forever Comes Crashing Double 12" (1 Pink/Yellow, 1 Blue/White)
Fucked Up - Dance Of Death 7"
Ramallah - But A Whimper Double 7" (Orange-ish)

CASSETTES:
Elvis Costello - Spike
Morrissey - Bona Drag
Queen - Greatest Hits
Squeeze - Play

CDs
All Time Low - Put Up Or Shut Up

APRIL:
26th - The Moose Lodge. Marshalltown, Iowa.
Modern Life Is War (Last show.), Holing On, Old Scratch Revival Singers, William Elliott Whitmore, Desperation, Quick Fix

VINYL:
Blink 182 - Feeling This 7"

CDs:
Beat Strings - Love Lust Wonder
Sun Kil Moon - Ghosts Of The Great Highway

MAY:
CDs:
A New Found Glory - It's All About The Girls EP
Day Of Contempt - The Will To Live
Dear And The Headlights - Small Steps, Heavy Hoofs
The Robocop Kraus - They Think They Are
The Standard - Albatross

JUNE:
9th - Seiter's Basement. Cincinnati, Ohio.
Make It Retreat, Faceplant 2012, Decades

11th The Mad Hatter. Covington, Kentucky.
Bayside, Dead! Serious, Anestello

VINYL:
William Elliott Whitmore - Song Of The Blackbird 12" (With songbook)
William Elliott Whitmore - The Day The End Finally Came ... 7"

CASSETTES:
AFI/The Vandals - Split Single
Blessid Union of Souls - Home
The Cure - Friday I'm In Love Single
DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - He's The D.J., I'm Rapper
The Gin Blossoms - Follow You Down Single
The Gin Blossoms - Hey Jealous Single
Journey - Evolution
Journey - Frontiers
Judge - Bringin' It Down
Phil Collins - No Jacket Required
Prince - 1999
Prince - Graffiti Bridge
Prince - Sign O The Times
Prince and the Revolution - Around the World In A Day
Prince and the Revolution - Purple Rain
Sting - Ten Summoner's Tales
The Rocky Horror Picture Show

CDs:
Decades - Numbered

JULY:
30th - Warped Tour - Cincinnati, OH.
Broadway Calls. Mayday Parade. Reel Big Fish. All Time Low. Confide. Against Me!. Say Anything. Motion City Soundtrack. The Bronx. Cobra Starship. Katy Perry. Four Year Strong. 3Oh!3. Set Your Goals.

VINYL:
Dead Hearts - No Love, No Hope 12" (blue)
Jawbreaker - 24 Hour Revenge Therapy 12"
Sufjan Stevens - Come On Feel The Illionoise double-12"
Sun Kil Moon - Tiny Cities 12" (with acoustic 12")
Against Me! - Stop! 7"
Against Me! - Thrash Unreal 7" (red)
Against Me! - White People For Peace 7"
Joan Of Arc - Many Times I've Taken/Eventually All At Once 7" (white)
The Promise Ring - Stop Playing Guitar 7"

CASSETTES:
The Beatles - Rock'N'Roll Music Vol. II*
The Smiths - The Peel Session*

CDs:
Alkaline Trio - Agony and Irony
glassJAw - Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence
glassJAw - Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Piebald - "When Life Hands You Lemons ..."

AUGUST:

VINYL:
Modern Life Is War - Midnight In America 12" (blue)
Texas Is The Reason - Texas Is The Reason 7"

CASSETTES:
U2 - The Joshua Tree
U2 - Rattle and Hum

CDs:
3Oh!3 - Want
All Time Low - So Wrong, It's Right
Have Heart - Songs To Scream At The Sun

SEPTEMBER

VINYL:
Fucked Up - The Black Hats/Year Of The Pig 12"
Limbeck - Hi, Everything's Great 12" (white)
William Elliot Whitmore/Paradise Island Let's Be Active/(ft) The ShadowGovernment - Keep The Fuzz Off My Buzz 12"
Fireworks - Adventure, Nostalgia, and Robbery 7" (clear red)
Fucked Up - I Hate Summer 7"
U2 - Desire 7"*
U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For 7"

CDs:
Converge - Unloved and Weeded Out
The Dedication - Youth Murder Anthems
His Hero Is Gone - Monuments To Thieves
Holding On - Question What What You Live For
The Promise Ring - 30 Degrees Everywhere
Joan Of Arc - So Much Staying Alive and Lovelessness
Nightmare Of You - Nightmare Of You

OCTOBER:
8th - People's Court - Des Moines, IA.
The Kooks, The Whigs.

VINYL:
Fucked Up - The Chemistry Of Common Life 12"
William Elliott Whitmore - Ashes To Dust 12" (clear)
Morrissey - That's How People Grow Up 7"
U2 - Boy 12"*
U2 - Without Or Without You 7"*

CASSETTES:
U2 - Rattle and Hum*

CDs:
Holland - Photographs & Tidalwaves
Most Precious Blood - Merciless
Ten Yard Fight - The Only Way
With Honor - This Is Our Revenge

NOVEMBER:
14th - Xcel Energy Center - Minneapolis, MN
Coldplay, Sleepercar.*

VINYL:
William Elliott Whitmore/Murder By Death 7"

DECEMBER:
5th - Main Entrance Hall, Grinnell College - Grinnell, IA.
William Elliott Whitmore, Shame Train.

* Denotes gift (from Sarah Kirkpatrick)

As some of you know, I do a radio show every week here at Cornell College on 89.7, locally, or you can listen online through the KRNL website: http://orgs.cornellcollege.edu/krnl/ (Click on Listen Live! and you can listen through your iTunes.)

Every Friday evening -
9:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m. Central.
10:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m. Eastern.

Surprisingly enough, I had quite a few people call in on my first show. So, if this continues, I'll be putting up each playlist here so that if you do listen and like a particular song, you can check out more by that band or artist.

Also, be sure to listen in

9.19.08 - First Show Of the Year
Theme: Midwest Driving
Bright Eyes - Bowl Of Oranges
Neutral Milk Hotel - King Of Carrot Flowers Pt. I.
City and Colour - Save Your Scissors
Great Lake Swimmers - Imaginary Bars
William Elliott Whitmore - When Push Comes To Love
Sufjan Stevens - Holland
Sun Kil Moon - Glenn Tipton
American Football - For Sure
Jets To Brazil - In The Summer When You Really Know
The National - Slow Show
Piebald - The Stalker
The Promise Ring - Emergency! Emergency!

Requested: Rancid - Ruby Soho

10.03.08 - Second Show
Theme: Letting Go and Holding On
Broadway Calls - Back To Oregon
mewithoutyou - Nice and Blue
Modern Life Is War - Young Man On A Spree
Hot Water Music - Trust Chords
Dead! Serioues - 10 P.M.
The Bouncing Souls - True Believers
The Descendents - Silly Girl
Fucked Up - David Comes To Life
Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy
Jets To Brazil - Sea Anemone
The National - Baby, We'll Be Fine
Bright Eyes - You Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will
Low - When I Go Deaf
City and Colour - Comin' Home
Kind Of Like Spitting - Line and Sinker

Requested: Anti-Flag - The Bright Lights Of America
Big D And the Kids Table - Shining On

10.10.08 - Third Show
Theme: Missing
Brand New - Millstone
Matt Pond PA - Summer (Butcher Two)
Old 97's - Designs On You
Whiskeytown - Jacksonville Skyline
Get Set Go - Crime & Heresy
The Get Up Kids - Campfire Kansas
The Battle Royale - Folk Song
Crime In Stereo - Small Skeletal

Requested: Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds

11.07.08 - Fourth Show
Theme: Just Another Word I Never Learned How To PronounceBon Iver - Skinny Love
American Music Club - All My Love
Sleepercar - Fences Down
Smog - Rock Bottom Riser
Sun Kil Moon - Like The River
Jens Lekman - If You Ever Need A Stranger To Sing At Your Wedding
Minus The Bear - Knights (Daytrotter Sessions)
William Elliott Whimore - Life My Jug (Song For Hub Cale)
Limbeck - Sin City
Illinois - What Can I Do For You?
Defiance, Ohio - Bikes + Bridges

12.01.08 - Fifth Show
Theme: No, I Don't Think That You Know
The Good Life - On A Picket Fence
Brand New - Me Vs. Maradonna Vs. Elvis
Alkaline Trio - Calling All Skeletons
The Promise Ring - Red & Blue Jeans
Refused - New Noise
Crime In Stereo - Small Skeletal
Crime In Stereo - Unfortunate Tourist
Every Time I Die - She's My Rushmore
Glassjaw - Ry Ry's Song
Modern Life Is War - I'm Not Ready
Fireworks - Dave Mackinder Vs. The World
Aaron Haynes - Cap Ou Pas Cap?
Against Me! - Baby, I'm An Anarchist

12.15.08 - Sixth Show
Theme: I'm Sorry, I'm Leaving
Polar Bear Club - Parked In The Parking Lot Of Your Heart
Have Heart - On The Bird In the Cage
This Is Hell - Moving Targets
Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line
Northstar - Two Zero Two
Cassino - New Jerusalem
Bon Iver - For Emma (MySpace Transmissions)
Dustin Kensrue - Blankets Of Ghost
The Spill Canvas - 3685
Noah and the Whale - Five Years Time
The Smiths - Ask
Nightmare Of You - You Don't Have To Tell Me
Transit - Nameless (Songs To Static)
The Promise Ring - Become One Anything One Time

There's this tiny vessel that floats on in troubled waters, like the way that we keep our hopes high in the backs of our minds; ships that sail right through to the eye of the storm. To wait and wait and wait. And wait for the rain to pass. Like diligent children peering out from curtains and closet doors, searching for those clear skies that we've always been promised would come if we just hold on tight.

Like we hold onto to that ache in our chests, the kind that we can never, ever suppress; no amount of sins, starry skies, or sleepless nights spent searching for something new could ever dull it's ever present rhythm, equalled only by the lapping of waves against the hull. A sailor's call, not like the rise in the tide or the swelling of an orchestra; no, more like the heavy footsteps on the cabin's floors. Echoes of whoever used to wonder these dark and dingy halls; like the strangers that used to walk inside our hearts.

So we hold on. To the railings. The heartstrings and feelings. To the wheel and swing starboard hard. We're the tugboats in the mid-Atlantic, the sailboats in the horizon; we are pirate ships searching for buried treasure. The kind that lingers deep within our souls, somewhere buried in the sand.

Those things that keep that that ache, that tightening of muscles, that quickening of breath, coming for years to pass. Because what else would we be if not tiny vessels, floating in the sea, in search of something that will allow us to breathe, slow and steady like our hands used to move before we became worn so thin, like the planks that we'll all someday walk.

Because it's the dreams that we let wash up with the day on dry land that we're seeking; all of wishful thinking, the cities we marked with X's and O's, that's what we're chasing. And it's always just out of our reach; we're sailing into the sunset, but with our hearts set on what used to belong in yesterday, treasure chests and boyhood trysts.

Because we're those tiny vessels, floating in a sea of despair, hoping that maybe, someday, we'll make our way back home. Because we're all searching for the past with our own treasure maps.

There are those stories that we're told when we're younger, ones that we hold our whole lives against as markers for success and happiness. Prince Charmings and pretty princesses, boys that never lie and girls that make us smile, heroes and heroines, that's what we keep searching for. Bedtime stories that our parents used to preach to us to put us to sleep, to make us feel safe when there was no other comfort they could give us from the monsters in our closets and the ones under our beds. And our parents, they would never lie to us. Because, our perfect parents, they had found each other, hadn't they?

We're all looking for that sword in the stone, that castle in the sky, that knight in shining armor, that girl to wake from eternal sleep. Our own happily ever after. That dare to be great situation that we've been told would always come along.

But it never does.

The boys we thought would rescue us just leave for new adventures and prettier princesses. And the girls we thought would wait for us during the war find new gentlemen to romance and woo. And we, we come home a little less than we were before. Because every broken heart is a new chink in our armor, a new scar we pretend we got in an epic battle defending our honor and the honor of the ones we love.

Against fire breathing dragons and wicked witches. But they're really just impatient boys and unfaithful girls. That's what we've been fighting all along anyway, isn't it?

I never thought that I'd end up back here, where the cornfields grow across the street from me instead of down the highway. I never thought I'd end up back here, where the best friends I have are  twenty or five hundred miles away.

But here I am.

I feel something I haven't felt before - a sense of clarity, of completeness. Even though things are up in the air right now, I feel like, for the first time, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I left Ohio in search of something that would make my life make sense. And I found it. Not in the tiny classrooms, or in the thirty minute lectures about things I can't bring myself to care about.

But in the drunken ramblings of best friends. In the late night phone calls from states away. In the smoky air of fall nights. In the feeling of always having people by your side, even when they're not really there.

I have two homes now. Five hundred miles apart.

To everyone I left behind - this will never be goodbye. I'll carry each of you with me, everywhere I go. I fell in love with all of you in my own way, and even though it's bittersweet, I wouldn't have it any other way. And I'll be coming back soon enough and nothing will have changed, I will always love you guys just the same.

To everyone I just came back to - thanks for sticking around. You're the truest of friends, and I'm glad to say that, through it all, you've been right there beside me. I love you guys, thanks for making me realize that has always been a home.

Skirk, Bree, Tony, Alex, Jack, Amelia, Ana, Will, Bee, Heather, Andrew, and Julian - I expect the biggest party of my life when I get back.

Andrew, Lauren, Josh, and Barrett - I expect life to be a party while I'm here.

- Sarah D.

In an ocean of regret, you came to me, washed up on the shore.

Tides had brought you home, you said, eyes closed and open hand.

Restless from the waves, you stood and shook your head.

Any other day, I thought, and I would have done the same.

It's a miracle, I said, that we're not caught in the rain.

Never could I have imagined just how much truth had just been spoken.

Sometimes the ships, they sail back in, in sight of storm.

His, you said, had set and stayed its course.

Ever felt the sand slip right beneath your toes?

Rising tide was coming, and the winds were gonna change.

Ever felt the sunlight slip right in your soul?

And the ocean floor, it rises to the challenge.

Like everything, you said, like dead men who never seem to die.

Like broken limbs, I said, that find their feelings once again.

The sea, it sings a song that only the loneliest can hear.

Here's to all the trouble, the kind we've always lived but never loved.

Every sip's a memory that we'll leave behind, buried in the sand.

The tide will take it out, you said, it's the wreckage that will remain.

I hope that you're a shipwreck and that the storm, it comes my way.

Me, I'm just a sailor and the ocean calls my name.

Everything I've ever loved it's come by rain.

... I'm ready to go."

I've spent eighteen years here. Eighteen long, rollercoaster ride years, and ... now, I'm leaving. Going off to trade cornfields for cornfields, I guess you could say. Either way, it's a new beginning. A clean slate. I've been waiting for this for as long a I can remember and, now, I don't have any clever prose or eloquent words: just "see you soon's," "I'll miss you's," and "thanks for everything's."

People That I Love

Dez: Three years ago, I never would have guessed I'd be sad to move away from you. You have been the most unexpected best friend; but I fucking love you, dude. Driving around Eastgate, eating Taco Bell, and buying CDs we couldn't afford are memories I'll never forget, and ones that aren't going to end. I have an extra box for you sitting in my garage. My mom has the address to my room; if you ever want to stop in, you know what to do.

Lauren: I don't even know where to begin. You are my oldest friend, and one of the best anyone could ever have. We've had our moments, but ... in the end, you know that and I'll always be here. To stay up late when you are afraid some weird eyelash-monster is going to kill you before we went to school or to bust my head on your car door, whatever works. I expect you to leave your couch open for when I come home to visit, kid.


Barrett: It's going to be the weirdest feeling, knowing I can't walk down and talk to you whenever I want to. You have always been there for me, my little brother from another mother, and I appreciate that so much. Person S is going to miss Person B very much. And Person B better make his six hour drive to see Person S. Or Person S will be sad. And will no longer by lottery tickets with Person B.

Andrew: You fucking faggot ... no, but seriously. To go from sitting at lunch together four years ago, never talking, to be being best hang out buddies is fucking rad. Don't work too hard, duder, and take care of yourself. Make sure you beat up Lauren all the time for me since I won't be able to, and whenever you listen to a straight song, I hope, hope, hope, you think of me.

Patience: Since you are the new Sarah Dorado, I expect you to live up to all the hype. And there is a lot. I'm so glad we became friends my senior year. And just because I'm going to college doesn't mean that we still aren't - I'm going to call your ass all the time to tell you you're gay and see how everything's going. The same goes for Ryan, minus the gay thing - we'll probably just talk about really weird stuff.

Blake: If Superman doesn't show up at my door for Christmas ... I will no longer believe in Santa Claus. You're a good man, Blake Riegel, and don't you ever forget that. You're going to be the next Spielberg. Make sure you hook up doing graphic design stuff for Riegel Films.

J-Dubbs: We have been rocking out together for years. That will not change. I will be at every Tear It Down and Driving Taylor show that I can get my asian ass to. And even some I can't. And I will be sure that every time I make a picture of some dude we both hate as a cross-dresser, I send it to you, signed and framed for you to hang up next to your gold records.

To all of you: I love you, guys. You're the best friends I could ever ask for. This isn't goodbye, it's I'll see you all soon. CHRISTMAS BREAK '07. RAGE HARD.- Sarah D.

In the sidewalk's cracked and dirty veins, sunstreaked and bleached with rain, where memories choose to remain, and yesterday's have faded into leaves and 'left-behinds,' we see ourselves as we once were. Oh, how we used to crawl beneath the sky, backs turned and arms opened wide; only the world could hold us back from everything. We used to say, "if I can't love myself, I can never love anyone."

And there's a lifetime that we've lived, in between now and then, that's city street drains are filled with our regret, washed away and left for dead; to think we sunk those ships with so much as a second glance to only have them come crashing back, with tattered sails and sailor tattoos. Ghost ships that only carry loneliness, never the treasure we were always chasing after; the trouble that we lived but never loved.

We're skin and bones, stretched across unmade beds on one night stands we spend alone to pass the time, tied to phone lines and forget-me-nots. We're taught across the cheeks and wrought with happiness, there's a whole world outside our doors, but we're pressed to feel like this. Hands tied to ribbons that don't keep us weighted down but floating in the air with our feet straight on the ground. One right after the other, steps away from here; we're a million miles away, moving mountains, burning bridges.

Walking down the roads that spin beneath our toes; we fight to keep our hearts from pounding through our chests. So, we're keeping beat with our the souls of shoes; we're singing songs to empty churches, we are preaching to the motherfucking choir, we are born again believers in cities with new sidewalks.

Because there's a secret that we keep, but only as a waste of breath, we're living just for anyone who'll listen: we have finally done away with those regrets.