This is it.

This is the start of  what is termed in the theater world as "Hell Week". Now we get down to business, buckle down, get serious... and all those other things you used to tell yourself you'd do the first week of school.

Basically it's panic time. Now we have to take all those scenes that we only half know, polish them up, put them in some sort of order, assign them a song upon blackout, list them in a program and kick them out the door onto the stage. It's a joyous, wonderful time. As director, I'm having the tummy squirts, but that always happens. The cast of this show has been together so long and worked together so much, there's no guess work. We will pull it off and have a great time doing it.

Our only regret this time around is that we are down three gaggers. Lisa Sprague moved to Missouri over the summer (sniff), so we will not have her wit and energy. Steve Stern had a lot of scheduling conflicts for this run and was unable to perform. So we won't have his teetering-on-the-edge-out-of-his-mind energy that the audience eats up (or the eye candy for the ladies). And Marea has been busy directing her own show across the river and the schedule butted heads. So, we won't have her incredible timing and singing voice.

So what you are getting this time out really is Gag Reflex Classic. Steve, Millie, Ben, Kris, Marla, Eric - we are going to pretend that Ben didn't actually leave the group for 7 years. Marla is the newest member and she's been in the group 6 years. So, you see, classic Gag at it's best.

And the show they have turned out this time is... well... frankly... unbelievably funny and outrageous and chock full of the sublime, the silly, the smart and the filthy. Really filthy! There is one sketch you have to see to believe.

This time out we have contributions from everyone (including our old pal Dale), including FIVE new songs.

So check out our profile for dates and times- then pack up the car and come see HEZBOLLAHPALOOZA!!!

If you think they're crazy in the middle east - wait 'til you get a load of us.

Another in our series of Myspace links meant to drive reasonable, critical thinking adults to drink.

This one is going to be touchy. And frankly, I don't care.  Please visit the odd looking Christina. Not unpleasant - just odd.

And then I want you to read her blogs about homosexuality - in order. If you find that you agree with her - it's probably best if you delete me (or us) as friends - or at least you probably shouldn't read our blogs anymore. No harm, no foul - we will just never see eye to eye. Why cause tension, when we can avaoid.

I love people who attack one side of an argument (the existence of a gay gene) with a lack of scientific proof and then try to win an argument about the evil pointlessness of homosexuality with THE BOOK OF GENESIS!!! *head wall head wall head wall blood* You can't choose science as your freind one moment only to let loose a streaming, steaming line of urine onto science and reason the next. Oh wait - yeah you can. Your an American - and loudly, profoundly, dumbfoundedly "Christian" (notice the quotes).

And John Mayer is on her Top Friends list. Doesn't she listen to the words?

It's blogs like these that remind me that I live in a great country but a REALLY fucked up culture. Enjoy.

CLICK HERE FOR CHRISTINA

Just a quickie... I took this from a news article I was just reading: 

"On another anti-terror matter, with Osama bin Laden still at large five years after the 9/11 attacks, Bush said he could not send thousands of troops into Pakistan to search without an invitation from the government. "Pakistan's a sovereign nation," Bush said.  "

WHA?!!! Uh... Did he just fucking say that? Come again? Are you fucking kidding me?! Let me read that again.

"On another anti-terror matter, with Osama bin Laden still at large five years after the 9/11 attacks, Bush said he could not send thousands of troops into Pakistan to search without an invitation from the government. "Pakistan's a sovereign nation," Bush said.  "

Yep. That's what he fucking said. Actually - Pakistan is a sovereign nation with weapons of mass destruction. Anybody else remember the nuclear tests in Pakistan and India 10 years ago? So... um... I... WHAT THE FUCK!? Somewhere there is a Spin Doctor slamming his head into something. Let me rewrite this and put it into perspective.

"On another matter, with so many followers concerned about recent events in the cult world , Jim Jones said he would not have his followers drink Kool-Aid laced with deadly poison. "Why would I do that? That's crazy. "

Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2000

From: "James Sweater"

Subject: My Grandfather

To: info@amazon.com

Dear Amazon,

I have never visited your website on the internet

before. I, of course, have seen commercials and stuff.

I have only had my 'puter as I call it for about 6

months and I just love sitting around on my time off

looking at websites and reaching out from my home in

Roanoke,VA to the outside world.

So, before I ramble on forever let me get to the

point. I have just spent father's day with my father.

In the course of a pinochle game he makes reference to

my Grandfather's books. I almost died, choking on a

mimosa!!! Wouldn't that have been a sight. A guy dying

at a fancy restaraunt during thier father's day

brunch. 

I had no idea that Grampy had been an author. It seems

my Grampy had written a bunch of books back toward the start of the century. He gave me a list of titles -

"Who's That At The Door?" , "Parker's Down With The

Flu", "Molly's Arches", "The Danover Difference", "Red

Hen Killed Again", "Night Of The Butter Knife", "The

Loose Morals Of Pastor Davis", "Barnaby Makes Good", "The Reckless Rapscallion", "Hard Time In

Bollinsville", "The Pirates of Maple Avenue", "Bells

of  Anger", "Der Luger" and "Pride Among The Waves."

So I asked him if he had copies. Obviously I wanted to

read them. He told me that most of the books went

through only one printing and the family copies went

up in 1948 in the same farm house fire that took my

Uncle Jeb (my eldest boy is named after him.)

I don't even know where to start. I always thought I

was a family odd ball because I secretly want to be a

writer. I work for the Roanoke Sanitation Dept and I

have been working on a novel called "Ouch! That's My

Soul!" Now I find that it's in the family. But I don't

know where to find these books. His name was Oskar

Svetarovicz. (My father changed it to Sweater in the

mid fifties.)

Do you have any advice? Let me know how I can go about finding my grandfather's body of work.

Thank you so much!

At dawn we broke camp and made our way toward the area indicated by the small, Mexican peasant boy. Rueland and I have been in Mexico now for well over a month tracking down ... well ...  that's just it...

We haven't been able to breathe a word of our expedition to anyone. Poachers, photographers, the Pentagon – any of them would kill, maim and blackmail  to find out where we are heading. (Which is why Rueland had to kill that small, Mexican peasant boy.) Rueland is all too willing to kill for our cause, giddy almost. He's always saying "He knows too much, we have to kill him!" To which I usually have to reply "Who? The guy across the street?" He frightens me. Not just because he seems to be the blood-thirstiest of all the anthropologist/archeologists I've known – but his ability to cook the most delicious paella out of almost no ingredients is, frankly, creepy.

By noon we reached the foot of our prize – a giant mesa deep in the Mexican outback. Ancient Aztecs named this place "Muy Grande", which in the ancient Aztec tongue meant "place high above the heads of the Gods". For untold centuries it has been revered as a holy place, a place that should only be stepped on by the feet of holiest of men. It is a sacred place in the ancient culture of this land and it should be preserved. Rueland finished eating his Baby Ruth and dropped the wrapper. He always calls it a "marker" but I think he might just be lazy.  When Rueland's snack was finished we proudly, boldly began to climb the rock face that our hands weren't worthy to touch.

Climbing took the rest of the afternoon. Sweat stung my eyes and my hands and arms were numb from pulling myself bodily up the side of Muy Grande. But our final destination was so close. I thought of all the people I'd left behind; Cynthia, Lady Wolmsfort, Chelsea, The Mottogrott Twins, Jonesy, Atticus, Florence, Mr. Cuddlebumps, the Great Britain Club for Mexican Adventurers Club, Claus Von Shnaussaubergenflauss, Judith and the Coughing Twelve, Mama Pollenta, Kip, Chip, Father Lipps and, of course, my cat, Scratchy Mcscratchumlotsaclaws. When the climb got to be too much, I remembered why I was doing it for them. I was doing it to make them proud. Except for Florence – I never really cared about her or what she thought of me. I just could never seem to take her out of that string of images that would flash through my mind when I would climb rock faces. Florence and her piercing, mismatched eyes and double jointed jaw. How she haunts me. One day I would return to the old Tibetan man in Tibet and he would teach me to strike her from my mind. Yes, one day.

By five o'clock, our European skins red with the kisses of the seductive Mexican sun, we reached the top of the Mesa and made our way to the interior. We chopped our way through a few hundred yards of dense jungle and eventually stepped into the setting sunlight that revealed the hilly grasslands of Muy Grande's interior. We continued forward, as directed by the late, small Mexican peasant boy – just before Rueland... I must stop thinking of it... and Florence... Oh Tibet, free me.

As we moved forward over the warm, breeze-swept grasslands – we became aware of a sound. Dull at first, but growing. It was a sound like thousands of pebbles falling hard into mud. Then we saw the dust cloud rising just over the crest of the next hill. I broke into a run, my heart banging to get out of my chest, tears welling in my eyes. I could hear Rueland running behind me. So close to the dream. So near the end of our journey.

As I reached the top of the final hill, the full expanse of the Mesa opened up before me. In the dying rays of the Mexican sun I could see it. The sight I had waited all my professional life to see.  My breath caught in my throat. I could feel the sting of saltwater in the corner of my eyes. I could feel Rueland at my side and I heard him sniffle. The majesty of the sight was unshakeable. The power of the moment. The moment of discovery.

There, sweeping across the virgin grasslands of Muy Grande like a beige river was the last herd of wild Chihuahuas on Earth.

Our quest was at an end.

My neighborhood has suddenly become the center of the universe. No really, this isn't the normal "oh, Eric thinks the world revolves around him". My neighborhood is making headlines. And it's really exciting for some reason.

ABC 7 News

Dekalb County Online

War has broken out around the corner from my house. A new Marathon gas station opened last weekend and immediately began driving their gas prices down, causing the BP across the street to do the same. It hasn't stopped for a week.

Seriously, I drove by about two hours ago and it was $2.13 at the Marathon and $2.15 at the BP. Cars are lining up down the street. The other day cops were directing traffic - eventually they gave up and now just cruise by laughing. (I swear to sweet bearded Jesus that I am not exaggerating.) Actually - I'm off with Danny to take some pictures. Hold on, this'll take a few minutes - not that you'll notice.

Okay - I don't know what happened, but I think I know who won the war... it may be over, or it may be a cease fire.  When Danny and I got over there a few minutes ago the new Marathon was completely empty - save for a squad car with flashing lights (that pulled away) - the prices were all removed and the pumps covered up with bags. Eeeeeek.  Across the street the BP was crammed (as you will see in the pictures below) with people and selling at 2.13 a gallon. A tanker was just leaving.

Not sure yet what happened - but this former journalist will find out. In the meantime, enjoy the pictures of the first old fashioned Gas War I've seen since I was a kid. A bright, shiny moment in a bleak time.

 
The first thing I noticed was the mud. More gray than brown. Dried in clumps around her face, blurring the line between her skin and her hair. Layers cracked in the laugh lines that surrounded her eyes. She looked as if she had been living in the swamps for years. The next thing I noticed was her eyes. Beautiful. Urgent. Pleading with me. They had a nearly Asian shape but a crystal blue Nordic color. The shape and the color gave her eyes a wolfen quality. They darted around a bit, studying me in curiosity and around the area to see if anyone else was watching.

She was a wild thing from the mountains. An amazing, untamed beast of a woman plucked from the deepest, darkest parts of the world. Alien to me. Strange and exciting. My heart raced and I felt my hand reach out to see that she was real. How odd and beautiful she was, covered with layers of thick mud, wrapped in a silk kimono and a pair of military issue, steel tipped boots. Not to mention the Aldi shopping bag she carried.

She was probably the oddest looking thing in Marshall Fields.

"Dane?" I heard the voice. I thought nothing of it at first, and then it returned again this time more emphatically. "DANE! "

I shook my head and remembered the cell phone I had lifted to my ear. "Sorry hon. Something uh..., " I stammered, looking for the words. The wild woman's eyes grew large as if to ask me to say nothing. I thought for a moment. "Sorry honey, it's just that old pancreas problem coming back for a minute."

"Will you please get that looked at," the voice scolded.

"Yes." I rolled my eyes at the mud covered woman. She didn't react. "Anyway, I'll make sure that I eat some fruit."

"Okay. See you when you get home."  My wife hung up the phone.

I closed my phone and stared wordlessly at the animal woman. Neither of us said anything, but neither of us moved. Somehow I could feel this was important. She had found me for a reason. Like the different threads of my life had brought me here. Brought me to this moment. To this junction where I could receive her message. It was destiny. My destiny, finally arriving.

So many things began to make sense, standing there in a mall anchor store, staring at this woman from another time, another place. All the love I had missed, the neglected opportunities that seemed to haunt me nightly in my 34th year, the friends that had fallen away - all of it - finally made sense. It all had to happen this way to bring me to this spot, on this night. This was my destiny. This was my purpose. My reason for being. I took a deep breath and prepared to speak, but was stopped by her voice.

"Have you seen a short man about so tall? A little thin on top? Probably wearing a vest?"

I blinked. "I'm.... I'm sorry, what?"

"I'm looking for my accountant, Gordon. He was going to meet me here for dinner. You haven't seen him, have you? Short? Bald? Vest?"

I tried to form the word 'no' but could only stutter for a moment and then shake my head.

She stamped her foot and a little gray cloud flooped up and hit me in the nose. I stifled my cough. "Awww damn it! That son of a bitch is always late." She squatted on the spot and lifted her kimono until I could see her shapely legs and a hint of purple thong. She reached between her legs and pulled out an old time gold watch on a chain, which seemed to be attached to - something down there. She pushed the top and the door swung open. Beethoven's "Für Elise" came tinkling out of the little watch. "CRAP!" She shut the watch and stood up and looked at me. "Listen, if you see that little bald bastard tell him Mirna is looking for him and if he stands me up again this week - I'll slash his tires and shit on his dog."

Then Mirna, the wild, untamed thing, stomped off into the mall, apparently looking for Gordon.

I stood there for another minute, smelling the dust that was still in my nose. I couldn't remember what my wife called me for. My pancreas hurt. After another moment I continued toward the door and stepped out into the suburbs.

I never saw Gordon.

You know, I blog - but I never really tell you anything. I suppose now, the night our supposed restaging of "Dude, Where's My Carbs" was supposed to open, is a good time to announce that it's not happening. WHY?! You scream. Well, let me tell ya...

First there was the sudden realization in July : "Holy crap! We haven't even gotten together to start rehearsing." Then there was the "I can't make it to rehearsal". Then there was the weeks of trying to get all the scripts in place. Then - Lisa moved to Missouri.

I know that Marea and Millie have spoken of this already. This is a huge loss for us. Lisa is an incredibly talented actress and a genuinely funny person. In fact her adlibs always improved any scene she was in. In the shows this last spring her Airport Security character was the highlight of every performance - and more and more was added everynight. First there was the shirt , then the glasses, then the ID badge, the walkie-talkie, the rubber gloves, the whistle. It was usually all Ben and I could do not to vomit from laughter when she stepped out on cue.

On top of that, her chemistry this last year and a half with Stern was undeniable. They were amazing together on stage. Now, sadly, Stern will have to try out all the ladies to see if we can try to match it. Poor ladies... Stern might also try out some of the ladies in the audience. He's that open... and he's REALLY smooth and he has a nice house.

So, all of that coupled with a scheduling snafu AND a broken air-conditioner at the First Street lead us to postpone our engagement until October - when we will have a brand new show. No title yet, but HEZBOLLALAPALOOZA has been dancing around in my head of late.

Also we have received word that due to audience reaction The Ben and Dave Ensemble featuring the Third Guy will indeed present another show. Details are sketchy ... heh heh heh a little industry humor.... keep an eye on their MySpace page.

Me and Steve - known generally as Lord and Schwartz - will be performing our unique blend (or abomination depending) of folk and comedy at Pick a Cup in Evanston on October 7 - a week before the debut of the new Gag show. So come on out for this little warm up gig that will kick off our awesome fall.

Rumor has it that Marea maybe writing and directing a kids show at The Albright Theater in Batavia... where she is now a board member - this happened several months ago and I have been lax in congratulating her. Again watch Princess Marea's profile for news on that.

I will be teaching the young to be like me this fall. I am running an 8 week comedy class for teens. Scary yes? The kids will write, produce and perform their own sketch comedy revue at the end of the class - mark your calendars  October 28 at 11am @ The First Street. Come on out if you see how I mold youngsters! I am also working on several writing projects - trying to get back to a couple of neglected webseries, a poetry collection, a musica...I've said too much... you know normal "Eric can't sit still" shit. Plus I am spending an incredible amount of time in front of music videos, learning all about what the kids are listening to these days.

We do want to give a shout out to former Gagger Greg Ledford who will be tying the knot with his beloved Denise next week! It's gonna rock.

AND Millie is finally off third shift, which means she doesn't have to leave at intermission any more and can actually hang around with the cast and the audience... YAY!!!

So that's all from us. The new show will debut October 13 at The First Street. Keep your eyes peeled for updates, news, posters and probably some stupid ass contest that I come up with.

Byeeeeeeee

What idiot 13 year old writes these. It's probably a school counselor or a pedophile, I suppose:

100 "have you ever's

1. Made out for more than 3 minutes?
Holy crap... does your Mom know you're on her computer?

2. Slept in a different bed?
What is this? The Survey for shut ins? Yeah. If you answer no, does that mean you're still sleeping in your crib. PEOPLE! Think these questions through. I know you've given yourself a goal of 100. But really.

3. Made out in a movie theatre?
OH! It's the THEATRE! Nah! But I nailed a chick in a THEATER one time. That count?

4. made out with 2 different people in one night?
Yes. And it was the talk of Grovers Corners for, like, a month.

5. Thought your cousin was hot?
When I was 6.

6. Been in love?
*eye flutter* yes "awwwwww"  more times than my wife cares to think about. Chronic romantic. Man, that blew.

7. Slept?
Slept? *Dialing the survey creator* Doo doo doo - We're sorry. All the circuits are currently busy. Please try again later.

8. Taken a shower with the opposite sex?
Yes. And a bath. And had our butts spritzed by a bidet. Cohabitation bathing RAWKS!

9. Gone over the speed limit?
Yes, but not often enough to keep my freaky criminal wife happy.

10. Painted your room?
Is that a euphemism for masturbation? Then yes. Otherwise, no, I believe in paneling.

11. Drove a car?
Isn't it past your bed time? It's time for growed ups to be on Mr. MySpace.

12. Danced in front of your mirror?
Yes... doing the tuck, putting on lipstick and saying "I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard"

13. Gotten a hickey?
Is that still a thing? I got a hickey once while I was necking in the rumble seat of my Dad's car. How about you ask a nice 21st century survey question... "Ever been the only girl in homeroom that was knocked up by a member of the football team"?

14. Been dumped?
Got a couple of hours? Tell you what... I don't even need to describe them anymore. I'll let my friends Mitch, Dan, Steve, Dale, Greg T, Corey, my sister and my wife to tell you all about them. They heard about them plenty. Then you can cross-reference with a couple of the dumpers - I have their email. Then you can read the online poetry. Then you can be just as fucking sick of my break ups as everybody else.

15. Stole money from a friend?
No, just the drugs. Money stealin' I do from strangers.

16. Gotten in a car with people you just met?
Yes. And I've taken the car of some people I just ate. DON'T PICK UP HITCH HIKERS!!!

17. Been in a fist fight?
Yes. Well, it was more of a "one happened to my face" kind of deal.

18. Snuck out of your house?
Ssssh the wife is reading.

19. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
Please see question 14.

20. Been arrested?
Sadly, no.

21. Made out with a stranger?
Yes. I miss my metallic pork and bean colored 1980 Celica named Fred. It was such a gash magnet.

22. Left your house with out telling your parents?
No. I call them every morning before I leave for work. It's the right thing to do.

23. Had a crush on your neighbor?
Well... there's a couple of young ladies across the street....

24. Ditched school to do something more fun?
I ditched school one time to attend another school without registering. That was a hoot.

25. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex ?
Both. Yes, I said both. And a few choice members of other genus and species. I have lived a full life.

26. Seen someone die?
No - but the night is young.

27. Been on a plane?
Yes - me and my snakes.

28. Kissed a picture?
I once got to third base with an autographed 8X10 glossy of Anson "Potsie" Williams

29. Slept in until 3?
*Just shakes head and chuckles* Yes - insightful. You should interview for NPR.

30. Love someone or miss someone right now?
I should point out that "Have you ever..." and this question are combined into a grammatical nightmare. That being said, I love all people. But I only miss if I've been drinking and my hands shake.

31. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
Oh! Man! I was laying on my stomach! No wonder it didn't work. User error.

32. Made a snow angel?
I tried. But with my body type I always wound up making snow walruses

33. Played dress up?
Is that the one where you try to flip a girls dress up? Then YES!!!

34. Cheated while playing a game?
Am... I .... not supposed to?

35. Been lonely?
No. Never.  WHO ARE YOU, OH INQUISITIVE YOUNGSTER?!?!?!

36. Fallen asleep at work/school
Usually on the crapper.

37. Been to a club?
Yep.  Club Baby Seal is my favorite.

38. Felt an earthquake?
No, but I saw the movie. It sucked.

39. Touched a snake?
Tack "Little Girl" onto this and you've got yourself a lawsuit.

40. Ran a red light?
Grammar!!! Fine, yes. Yes I have. Gasp. I've been driving longer than you've been alive!!! I got my wheels in 1988!!! 18 years ago! Okay!? Everybody RANS a red light now and then. Couldn't you have made this a really original 35 question survey and skipped all this padding!!! Is there some survey guild I can complain to?!

41. Been suspended from school?
Yes. Sigh. So?

42. Had detention..
*Rolls eyes* Yes. 20 years ago. I got suspended. I got detention. I got "In Class". I got Saturday school!! One time, to erase demerit points so that I could go on a class trip to Great America, I cleaned a convent. There! Top that! You can't!! You will never top cleaning a convent as school punishment. And I might add, Sister Loretta, the coolest 80 year old nun ever, and I had a lovely chat. It was a growing experience and I might, one day, write a one act.

43. Been in a car?
WHAT?! DID YOU JUST ASK ME THAT. THAT'S DUMBER THAN   "Slept?"  - Listen closely, okay... the Amish don't frequent MySpace. They won't answer this. They won't post this. If anybody says no to this, it's a lie. Unless they're in fucking Uganda or some shit - then they should get rid of the internet, save the money to get a fucking car and get out of Uganda!!!!!

44. hated the way you look?
I hate the way YOU look! This survey is really starting to piss me off.

45. Witnessed a crime?
So many. So many. Mostly committed by my felon/driver wife.

46. Been lost?
Yes, to the Lord.

47. Been to the opposite side of the country?
I've been East of Eden and to the Other Side of Midnight.

48. Felt like dying from embarrassment?
No I've felt like dying because I'm not yet half way through this survey.

49. Cried yourself to sleep?
I have also cried myself to Indianapolis... which is really the only way to go.

50. Sang karaoke?
Do you understand at all that sometimes a "U" is required in words to indicate that something has happened in the past. "He sang Karaoke", "I sang Karaoke", "Have you ever SUNG karaoke". And yes, since you were nice enough to ask.

51. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
I'm doing it RIGHT NOW!

52. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose?
I laughed so hard that hot foamy cappuccino came out of my nose - and I wasn't drinking any. I should have harnessed that power for good.

53. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Yes... me and Cinderella did that just last night. It was nifty. Then we played Yatzee, ate lobster and went down on a couple of magic pixies who'd stopped by. LIFE IS HARD!!!! STOP LIVING IN DISNEY!!!

54. Kissed in the rain?
No, but I shook hands with somebody during widely scattered showers.

55. Sung in the shower?
Heh! Don't you mean SANGED

56. Had a dream that you married someone?
Two nights ago I dreamed that I married Tom from Myspace - then I found out who created this survey, I hunted them down, tore of their head and poured scalding chowder down their neck. 

57. played getting married?
Holy crap. A future member of the PMRC and any book club that reads "The Rules", Ladies and Gentlemen.

58. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?
I got a pole you can stick your tongue to.

59. Ever gone to school partially nude?
Heh heh hahahahhaha

60. Been a ?
Ooops! Mom came into the room! Lights out!

61. Sat on a roof top?
Of a bell tower - with a rifle

62. Didn't take a shower for a week?
Why would any one answer that? Especially at #62. If I said YES, no one would want to read on. Placement kids, placement.

63. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?
I'm a little frightened of Scary Movie 4 (out now, direct to DVD)

64. Played chicken?
Yes. With actual chickens. They never swerve... but they howl when you step on them and crush their spines.

65. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
No. I live in the real world, not an 80's comedy. I've also never been in a naked pillow fight.

66. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger?
Yes, the school nurse. Right after she took her hand off my forehead. (I'm so freaking witty.)

67. Broken a bone?
during my time as muscle for the mob, I broke plenty.

68. Been easily amused?
Not for, like, the last hour of my life.

69. Laugh so hard you cry?
I've laughed so hard I've made other people cry. Mitch, I'm looking at you.

70. Cheated on a test?
Yes. My fertility test. I got a baggie full of man gravy off of eBay. Heh heh. My wife thinks I'm sterile!

71. Forgotten someone's name?
I no longer remember the name of the waiter who served me on Friday night.... YES I do! Melody! So, no, I've never forgotten anyone's name.

72. Blacked out from drinking?
I think so. All I know is that I woke up smelling of Jack Daniels, in a field, with a viagra induced megaerection, I was covered in blood and there was a leaf blower and a box of pistachio hulls next to me.

73. Played a prank on someone?
I think I'm playing one on myself right now. 

74. Gone to a late night movie?
Mom let's me stay out til 9.

75. Made love to anything not human?
Yes. A bowl of petunias who then said "Oh no, not again." (For those of you playing at home - if you can spot the reference, message me and I will consider sending you a picture of my wang.)

76. Failed a class?
Anger management.

77. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat?
*Shakes head chuckling*

78. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours?
Do medical instruments count? Like those little rubber, reflex/knee hammers.

79. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend?
I've cheated on several girlfriend/boyfriends. They were very sad/happy and angry/high.

80. Did you celebrate the 4th of July?
Have you ever did you celebrate the 4th of July. Think, people, think. Don't lose it now. We're at 80!!! This question does not belong on this survey. Have it replaced!

81. Thrown strange objects?
I threw my own poo at a monkey once. WHAT?! He started it.

82. Felt like someone?
Ooohhh... somebody's tired. I'll bet you are. You didn't have a nap today, did you?

83. Thought about running away?
This thought is filling my mind right now.

84. Ran away?
Sigh - we're at 84, what's the point. No. I never ran away. If I did, I'd probably be hopelessly addicted to crack and turning tricks to make ends meet - like most you run aways. There's something to aspire to.

85. Had detention and not attend it?
Are you on a "rebel hunt"?! Nobody would be bold enough to do that? Would they? Except, maybe Kevin Bacon in Footloose.

86. Made parents cry?
I've made lots of parents cry with my deeds and my words. Fucking parents.

87. Cried over someone?
Like, you mean, hunched over their dead carcass. Then, yes, every Tuesday.

88. Owned more than 5 sharpies?
WHAT!?! Are you goddamn kidding me?! This is your "#88"? I'm starting to get the impression that this was written by a whole bunch of people. There's no way that the 5 Sharpies question was written by the "snowflakes on your tongue" person.

89. Dated someone more than once?
I've Carbon Dated someone more than one.

90. Have a dog?
No dogs. We have 2 urinating cats and a hobbit named Danny.

91. Own an instrument?
I'm socialist - I don't own anything.

92. Been in a band?
Yes, a death metal/mariachi band called Messy Placenta.

93. Drank 25 sodas in a day?
I have probably drinkeded 25 in a day at some point, Annabelle.

94. Broken a cd?
Over the head of some tool at the music store who was attempting to "school" me on Pink Floyd history. "Not a singles band"...heh... TAKE THAT Chad!

95. Shot a gun?
It's cocked and aimed at my freaking temple. This better be over soon.

96. Been on myspace for more than 5 hours?
Yes. And my search will continue until I find the creator of this abomination

98. Have a major crush on someone right now?
Not this week.

99. Have a religion?
No thank you. I'm trying to cut back.

WHAT?! You leave me at 99?! You LIED to me!!! LIAR! LIAR!!!!