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Pilgrim and Suede

Pilgrim and Suede


Last Updated: 12/1/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 93
Sign: Capricorn

City: Los Angeles
State: California
Country: US
Signup Date: 3/1/2009

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April 29, 2009 - Wednesday 

Category: Pets and Animals
fiX It!

I Did not think that I would be back writing in this blog again so soon. I guess thats preservation of self taking over. It is selfish of me to say that I need a break. Its a fine rope you walk when you are trying to do whats right for one who is relying on you to 'fix it'. Just like the time at the Dog Park when I noticed that Suede was bleeding. A dog had taken a nip out of his side while he was running after the ball and I,being broke at the time, crazy glued it closed and duck taped a bandage over it. Or the first time I saw Pilgrim staring at the wall as if she had been betrayed. She must have been there a while waiting for me to read her mind because when I bent down to ask her what was wrong she was indignant with me. It took me a few minutes of methodical combing to spot the culprit. Her nail had broken and was down to the quick. I cleaned it up, numbed it and cauterized it with a soldering iron. Now I have lost my magic powers that were held in such high regard. It is heartbreaking to see the resolve in ones eyes of knowing there is something that you just cant fix.I have searched my bag of tricks and found it empty.When did it leave me. Was it when they saw me drunk for the first time and hid under the car and would not come out for hours. Was it when I lost my temper and was too harsh with them. Was it when I switched Mommies on them. No, I believe the power is still here and I am going to need all of it just to let them go.
4:30 PM 
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April 16, 2009 - Thursday 
If this is your first time on this blog start at the bottom posting and work up from the top. Earliest posting is on bottom-Most recent will be on Top and Earliest on the Bottom Since all postings were journaled in real time this will help you to understand. Thanks, C N Cisco
8:13 PM 
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April 16, 2009 - Thursday 

Current mood:spirtually strung
It has taken me a while to put a period on this emotional event.We will be setting up a site to aid in financial support for those whose animals are in need. I will also be writing a book based on my blogs and my life with Pilgrim. Thank you for all your support and bless you, C N Cisco

It is longing that creates an eternal bond that starts when you first look into ones eyes.  It is desire that compels you to hold one in your arms. It is love that allows you to let go before you are ready. The cedar box has sat quietly above the television for the second day in a row.It seems to only exist when I look at it. Still, even then it speaks only through its permanent stillness. I have no desire to hold it or even to strighten the tiny brass lock which hangs like a question mark on its smooth face. Why the lock. I thought each time that it appeared. I got up and approached it not realizing I would be confronting the box,and ultimately its content. The face of the lock was delicately textured,as if by a cherubs hammer. two matching keys were strung around the clasp. Why two? Even in the simple act of  containment there were so many unknowns. I never had reverence for the dead,or even death itself. I even dismissed my Father as selfish and pathetic when he,at his Mothers funeral,pulled me aside and uttered gassy eyed,"Thats one empty fucking church" At the time my resentment towards him ran deep and so my antithetical mind read this as a fearful premonition he was having about how it might turn out for him in the end. I understand now that what he neede was for others,even those who hardly knew her,to validate her existence. to speak kindly,with memory in their eyes. To keep her dying from being the end. I need to know that when I open that cool and motionless lock asking the tiny tumblers to release their hold,as I cast to the green and the blue,that my Love and warm thoughts are present so they may give life eternal to my precious one

Last Days Looking by C N Cisco copyright 4-16- 2009
Currently listening:
Keep It Simple
By Van Morrison
Release date: 2008-04-01
7:30 PM 
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April 12, 2009 - Sunday 

Category: News and Politics
I am neither a Democrat or Republican. I am but a man standing on the sidewalk watching a parade go by with only two floats. Over and Over again. So I hope you understand my frustration.
7:11 PM 
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April 11, 2009 - Saturday 

Category: Pets and Animals


DrY cRy
Maya has taken over the emotional leg of this beast called demise. My last effort of the evening was indulging Pilgrims need to lie flat in our back yard drooling the bitterness of her disease into the earth turning it into sludge that is collecting in the folds of her lips. I sit next to her. She gurgles a bit so I pick her up and carry her up the ramp and into the house where Suede meets us at the door and I bump him slightly due to the weight in my arms and he collapses due to the lack of his ability to control his hind quarters. If this is not a sad scenario, I am not sure what is. My Grandmother lost her youngest daughter of only twenty seven years. She was never the same. I will not insult anyone by comparing my circumstance with hers. I had the knowledge that I was most likely going to outlive Pilgrim. I remember the first time I felt the power of a Dogs Love(it seems were right back where we started). I have been trying to lower her phosphate levels for hours now. I am armed with only the aluminum hydroxide we picked up this late afternoon, without much success. I decided to try to induce vomiting through fluids(water and Similac) as to help clear out the toxin built up in her system. This was somewhat effective. Pilgrim migrated to the living room, still within sight, and tried her best to relax. I quietly checked on her several times. After about a half an hour of desperate rest, she got up dragging a lightweight pink blanket on her back and was heading towards the screened porch. I accommodated her by opening the door for her, as she could barely walk the few short feet. Once again we found ourselves lying in the cold night air on the porch together. She fell into a light sleep and I went inside, checking on her every ten minutes or so. I was overcome with a bout of rationalization; or what I like to call a ‘Dry Cry’. Not long after this began I heard the door break plane. It was just the wind. She did finally walk through the door with her pink blanket draped over her like a circus stallion. Drool continuing its flow from her jowls. I could no longer sit back and wait for tomorrows medication to arrive from Petmeds,com (Azodyl. A more potent phosphor reducer) The gentleman who I spoke to on the phone waived the twenty five dollar overnight shipping charge when I told him what it was for. His action seemed to come not from a corporate sales angle but from his heart. When I thanked him, his New Orleans charm showed itself, ”Ah, stop dat. You just take care of your baby. Pilgrim was starting to scare me. I began questioning if we had been fooling ourselves into believing we were doing the right thing. If we crossed a line that we could not get back across. Had we been selfish. Then I remembered, I may have made the decisions, but I was not in control. . She has never done anything important that she did not want to do. Not without letting us know. So, I followed Pilgrims lead and started to flush her system with Similac in small increments hoping to induce vomiting and purge some of the toxins sitting in her stomach and allow her to rest. An hour and a half later, as I was soberly celebrating having put the last vomit soiled towel in the washer, I decided to tell the universe that I was willing to let her go. It was the start of liberating Pilgrims independence from me and that was now a painful plane of existence. I then walked over to where she was lying and snoring and told her with great caution, that she could do whatever she decides, but that I was willing to let her go. Then sobbing, that I loved her all that I could and that I would continue to love her. The final thing I said to her was that she could come back if she chose. There would always be a home for her here with me for always.
4:00 PM 
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April 11, 2009 - Saturday 

Category: Pets and Animals


TrUth ovEr mAtTer

The truth of the matter at hand is that I do not have prior history with death. At least not on a level that is so personal as to affect my very breath. Therefore, I have made as many mistakes as I have shed tears in this situation. First thoughts, second guesses, and a punching bag of non actions hang around my neck. Still as I look at My Girl lying on the porch, stoic and regal, I cant help but feel I am part of something greater than myself. I do not mean that in a megalomanic way. We are all the center of our own universe, that is until we are confronted by our own inability to see. Then the world becomes quite enormous and we, quite insignificant, until we realize one is the other and the other is us. Eye to eye, inhale to exhale, exchanging. Pilgrims BUN/phosphorous levels are extremely high and she has been drooling most of the day. The Doctor is shocked she is still here; I am not. I do not dare to bet against the love of a Dog. We had the pharmacist make a compound of Aluminum Hydroxide while we await the delivery of Azodyl, which will hopefully bring her BUN levels down. As you know, we have reached out to the My Space community for help. One of my oldest friends from my personal site came through in an unexpectedly generous and surprising way. He not only donated to Pilgrim and Suedes fund he is a Veterinarian and has been an invaluable asset with information and kindness. It is blessings like this that help me to remember that the flatness of the medium does not define itself to only words and photos and songs, but can morph and take shape and reach through the opaque space between us. Lighting up the darkness with an energy and essence that is what keeps us here and what transforms and transports us to the bright and unrestricted Love.
1:11 AM 
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April 9, 2009 - Thursday 


Mr cLoCKtowEr

Yesterday is what I would label as a ‘bad day’. Our unstable neighbor, who I thought lived with someone he just could not get along with for any length of time, once again started into convulsive yelling; as if it was being squeezed out in spurts from a breach in what was once an air tight drum of methane. His histrionic repertoire up to this point was had been only, ”I will kill you Fucker” Sometimes with the addendum, ”Test me! Come on. Test me…. various immature expletives” I found it disturbing that the person he was verbally assaulting was strangely mute. There were two vehicles in his carport, though one was covered most of the time, I just figured there were two people living there. To be honest I really did not care if there was or not. If a man wants to argue to the point of mortal verbal assault; I do not see it as my problem. Even if it is with his own self. Yesterday was different. My wife pointed at the door leading to our porch where the familiar voice of instability was being squeezed out of the pressure cooker that is our neighbor. This time he added a comment about dogs. Now anyone who knows me even a little bit, know that it is not a good idea to threaten me and an even worse idea to do so to my BaBas. We had a short conversation with him calling me names from behind a window with tightly closed blinds that might be heard on Jerry Springer. I assessed that I was dealing with a coward. I recited to him his options and it sent him running to his vehicle in his usual attire. Tee shirt, dark aviators, black hair parted on the side and shorts with black socks and shoes. Think of IBM 1963. In other words, this bird is Clock Tower material. My next move was to do something I knew would completely unnerve him. I researched my options and my rights and I called 911. I reported the threats that were made towards myself and my family and a car was on its way. The officer was very cool about the situation. a regular beat cop. I thanked him and as was pulling out from our drive our jitterbug had the great misfortune of pulling into his. The officer drove the twenty five feet to Mr. Clocktower’s house, got out of his vehicle and headed up his walk. What a wonderful sight it was. Unnerving him was easy. Unhinging him without having to lift a finger; priceless. I will give you the most remarkable news after I eat dinner.
10:20 PM 
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April 9, 2009 - Thursday 
hOldinG waTer
I am so tired of the now, The now is exhausting. The Buddhists must have some kind of stamina. I drift back only to find myself diving into the pool of the future, knowing damn well that it wont hold water.I love My Pilgrim and I do not know what that will feel like when she is gone. Gone might not be the correct word at all. Here I am again in the future.A future that has not happened yet, and it completely sucks! Pilgrim just arose from her slumber at my feet. It was as if to say 'would you just get over yourself, you would think you were the one who was dying'. I'm still irritating the crap out of her. I'm lousy at this thing and I only have an unknown measure of time to get it right. I know,Im not better yet. Am I? 
4:59 AM 
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April 7, 2009 - Tuesday 

teACHeRs pEt
I have said goodbye to Pilgrim probably twenty times now, I actually pissed her off. I was sobbing as usual and told her several times while holding her that it was Ok for her to go. She just lifted her head and looked at me as if I was trying to get rid of her. I keep forgetting that there has been very little I have had to teach Pilgrim about life. It stands true in regards to death. She is being fed water, electrolytes and Baby formula. it’s a precious sight to see her suckle from a sports top bottle. I do not speak of the end to her anymore and I have rehearsed my false goodbyes with her so often I am learning that, all that is, is what is now. I am enjoying her and letting her tell me what she needs. I know this will astonish you, it did me; I am not in charge. I swore she would not have to take care of me in her time of need, but the beautiful truth is that we have always taken care of each other.
7:15 PM 
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April 7, 2009 - Tuesday 

AnOthER fIrST Xthat------- make that DOgGUS inTeRruPTUs
I was telling you about the first time I felt the power of a dogs love in my very first post when I was interrupted with the news of Pilgrims test results that threw all plans asunder. Her levels skyrocketed to almost ten times normal. When I had Pilgrim at The Doll House for about a week, challenging my innate-I kid you not! I was interrupted again by a sound I have not heard in well over a year. The boys broke out in a fight and my wife was screaming. I ran out immediately and grabbed the young one ,Leon, around the neck in a choke hold to cut off his air supply. My wife had forgotten this most effective maneuver(especially when you have dogs that weigh over seventy-five pounds) that I taught her and was pulling Suede’s body instead. When something like this is happening its like trying to pull two tornados away from each other. You cant tell where one ends and the other begins. Its like being in a cardboard box that’s rolling down a mountainside. My arm was being bitten many times over and I was hoping it was the Old Boy Suede who’s teeth are worn from the years of rocks and sticks. It was. I was bruised a bit but it could have been much worse. They sense the change of order with Pilgrim being sick. She was the alpha. Its time to get Leon out of the bathroom and start dealing with a new order. I promise I will finish the ‘Power of a Dogs Love’ story and I will get to ‘Blackie too.
6:39 PM 
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