First, text message from Denny's, make sure you include a comment from the erotic dancer sitting next to you. (Hi Lisa!)

when she texts back that she's hungry, offer to come pick her up at 3:30 in the morning, while it's 49 degrees outside.

Do not specify if it's a date or just going to get food.

Be late picking her up.

When she gets in your rusty old truck, make sure she hits her head.

Tell her she smells pretty.

have some really good conversation.

Drive halfway back to Denny's.

Make your car billow steam, the best way to do this is to have the engine spring a leak.

Pull over at a 24 hour CVS/Walgreens and buy a gallon of water to put in said truck.

Drive all the way home. Try not to get distracted by her smile.

let her in your house, and direct her to the bathroom when she asks.

Wish you hadn't sent her to your room mates bathroom, which hasn't been cleaned since the Bush Administration.

Get into your minivan.

Make sure she hits her head when getting in.

Drive to Denny's.

have awesome conversation.

Show off how often you eat there, by saying "hello" to the server by name.

Order a coffee while she eats, since you already ate about an hour ago.

talk, make jokes, have a ridonculously good conversation.

Compare the contents of each others wallets.

tell her she eats like a pig, but that's a good thing.

think of anythign else to say that does not include the words "eat" or "pig"

pay the bill.

Leave.

Open the door for her, and in a panicked voice, warn her not to hit her head.

Try not to laugh as she almost falls from being distracted by the head comment.

drive to her house.

Spend the entire drive trying not to fart.

When you pull into her driveway, lean over to hug her.

Make sure it's awkward, by accidentally grabbing her ass.

Pray she didn't hear you fart as you leaned over.

Wonder if you should've walked her to her door, or if that would've been creepy, since it's not a date for sure.

watch her to make sure she gets in to the house ok.

Wonder if that was creepy.

drive home.

go to the bathroom.

notice the eye boogers, and wonder if they were there the whole time.

the end.

You know, I heard a white guy tonight, say "I don't mean to offend you by what I'm about to say,"  as he was about to describe someone he was telling a story about.

I told him if he had to put a disclaimer on it, he shouldn't say it.

A couple of hours before that, a couple of people said nigger repeatedly on the microphone at my karaoke show. And before you ask, yes, they were black.

Most of us learned pretty early in life that the word nigger is a racial slur. In the last couple of decades, comedians like Chris Rock and Richard Prior have used the word in ways that took some of the power, some of the sting out of it. But now, many black people believe it's ok as long as you're black, and can say nigger or nigga without anyone thinking twice, and of course you can hear the word nigger in thousands of rap songs. But don't say it if your white, or you'll end up like Kramer from Seinfeld.

Over the years I've heard dozens of people tell me that niggers aren't just blacks, they have met niggers that are white, or Hispanic, or Asian, and that the word means some one who is somehow less in their eyes, less of a human being, less deserving of respect, and that they have met niggers of all races. They usually also go on to tell me they have met really good people who happen to be black.

To me, that is just someone rationalizing their calling someone else a nigger.

I want to tell you something, I don't have any problem with saying (or typing) the word nigger in this context because the word does have power. As you read it in front of you, you are forced to decide whether it is meant to offend you every time, the same way you would be forced to decide if it was meant offensively if you heard the word nigger out loud. I do have a problem with calling someone a nigger. It's like when you were a kid on the playground, and someone started talking about your mom. They didn't know your mom, they were trying to get a rise out of you. And for me it worked.

Whether your are black or white, Asian or Hispanic, or any other race, any religion, or mix,  remember this before you use the word nigger;

A lot of good people fought a long time for the right not to be called a nigger,. not to be treated like a nigger, and not to be branded a lower form of human being, which really is what the word implies when used as an insult. Some of those people died for those rights. A lot of people today still don't have those rights.

So before you use the "N word" remember you don't have to respect someone because of the color of their skin, but you do need to show respect for the people who struggled for their rights as people! Every time someone calls someone else a nigger, they are disrespecting thousands of people they never even met, not just that one person.

So no matter what color God made you, if you would get offended at someone calling you a nigger under any circumstance, if they were black, white, or purple, do us all a favor and don't say it either, because you're definitely offending someone else.

well that was over quick.

the guys decided our musical styles don't mesh, which is a brush off, but at least they did it in a nice way, they ffered to drink with me any time they see me, so hey, no hard feelings.

aw well, maybe I was too young to be a middle aged man whore anyway.

So I have joined a new band. We don't have a name yet. We pretty much do classic rock, and a few newer songs.

We play in a storage unit, but eventually we are moving to a garage.

I am voting for the name "Professional Garage Band"

or "Middle Aged Man Whores"

they're both kinda catchy...but I Like the idea of being call PGB

So this band is definitely a little more together than my first/last band. There is way less pot smoking, and drinking. I don't think that has any correlation, but you never really know.

OK, peace in th e middle eastern block, beotches.

Now, I don’t want to cast disparaging remarks on any of my friends, but have you ever had a collection agency call you?

If not, it’s sort of like the same telemaketer calling you over and over to try and get you to buy the same time share, no matter how many times you say "not interested" they call back.

Now, you may be thinking, "hey, genious, pay your bill and you won’t have to worry about it."

But what if the agency isn’t trying to call me about one of my bills? (Which I assure you, I have plenty of)

What if they are calling me because I am the reference for one of my old managers. He was my manager, what was I gonna do, say no?

Imagine my surprise, over a year ago, (Yes, over a year!) when I got a call at 11 AM (which anyone who knows me knows that is very early for me!) asking if I knew how to get hold of Scott Smith. (I guess they couldn’t google him)

Well, I told the person who called from CPS on the West Coast, that I have no further contact with Scott, I moved away from the area he is in, Don’t speak to him, nor any of his past contacts. All done.

A few weeks later I got another call, asking for the elusive Mr. Smith. (At an equally annoying hour)

"I already told you guys, I don’t know how to find him! Please take my phone number off your records!"

This has continued on and off for over a year now...once they would give me a few months in between, but they have always called back.

Another problem here, is that I am almost never really awake when I get these calls. If I were wide awake, I might be able to do something besides say "no, don’t know where he is" or scream about what time it is. I even had the guy say to me once "tell your buddy to man up and pay his bill, and I won’t have to call you anymore!"

Today, due to a head cold, I didn’t wake up for the phone. I got the message instead.

This was the first time I ever got their phone number, and I am very good at using the internet.

I discovered that CPS is actually cxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx services. Once on their website, I got different phone numbers, to marketing, and the Human Resources Fax line.

There is also a nifty page that tells me the names of the Senior Vice Presidents, President, and so on....

I know not to try for the president, the operators are trained not to let anyone talk to him, and they can spot a cold call. I go for the Senior Vice President of Marketing.

I look him up on the internet, and voila, I have his home phone number. I call. It turns out it’s not his number, but she says that bruce is her brother-in-law.

She smells a rat, doesn’t want to talk, shuts me down. Brittany in California, if this has made it’s way to you, once again, I am sorry. I just had the wrong person.

So I struck out on my first try.

Next I look at the list of directors, I find that one is a lawyer in New York, as well as the director of this company. I figure he has to advertise his legal services, and look him up.

Left him a message at his law firm in NY. I can’t wait for him to call back.
"Hi, Brian, I am hoping you can help me with a harassment suit I’d like to press. It’s a aginst a company called CPS in California."
Now, if Brian is an honest and ethical lawyer..cxgnxgfchx.(Sorry, fell out of my chair) he will immediately stop me and tell me  there is a conflict of interest. I’ll let you know in an update.

We’ll call this a ball.

 I have now spent forty minutes on this, and am getting imapatient. I decide to try straight for the company.

I call marketing, and Claudia happily transfers me to the operator when I tell her I got the wrong extension.

"Operator"
"Hi, my name is Jamie, I need to speak with Mr. Powel" (He is a VP of Marketing)
"I’m sorry, he’s not in the office, may I ask what this is in reference to?"
"New Accounts" I say. Come on, who doesn’t want more business, New accounts is 99% sure to get me to SOMEONE, anyone, who I can scream at about getting my name & number off the list of people who knew Scott.
"Sir, we’re not accepting New Accounts at this time, Where are you calling from?"

I started to say the name of a local dealership, but they heard it as LL Auto. Good enough for me!

"Well," I ask, "Is there someone else I can speak to?"

She tries someone else, but it is early, and they’re not in, I tell the operator I will just have to wait for Thursday, when Mr. Powel is back in the office.

Strike Two.

Now the whole Idea was that if I could get to a VP or holy hell, the president of the company, and THAT person told someone in the collection phone pool to stop calling me, then it might really work.

Well, I haven’t. But I could pretend to be someone important, now can’t I?

I call the number that was left on my voicemail, and dial the extension when prompted. It goes back to an operator.

"Hi, the is Brian $$$$$$$$, I need to have a file modified. I got a call from an irate person, saying they were a reference for (Mr. Smith’s full name) and they haven’t got contact anymore. I need that number removed."

"Who is this?"

"This is Brian $%$&&^. I am the director of the company you work for. Can you do this, or do I need to speak to someone else?"

"Ok, what is the account number?" she asks.

"The name on the account is (Mr Smith’s Full Name)"

"And the contact is Jamie Dextihmir?"

"Close enough, the number is 954-461-0312, got it?" I asked.

"OK, I put a note not to call that number"

I’ve heard that before, but not as Mr %^&$%&^, I only heard them say that to me as the reference, or pissed off guy.

Ground ball, I’m hoping I made first base.

If I get another call, I am going to find a friendly hacker who can DOS them, or create a fake name in Yahoo and Google for Papa-Johns, and list their number. Maybe not, but I still have Mr. %^&$% law office number, and I’ll bet he is in a much smaller office, with less resources. If he can’t help, I will go ahead with my plan of attack. Maybe on him!

UPDATE

Brian Called back, and when I told him "I am looking to sue CPS out of California for Harassment,"

he said, "Sorry, can’t help you."

I told him I knew he was a director, and explained my situation.

"Sorry, can’t help you."

That, is definitely a Foul Ball.

I have lived in  Florida off and on, for over 20 years.

But after being out on the bike, I stopped at Wal-Mart, and bought some thermals....well, wanna be thermals...the last time I wore thermals, I was five!

tomorrow I will stop at the sporting goods store, and hope they have a ski mask....

OK People!

You may have noticed I don't change my picture very often. That is because my cartoon picture rocks, and live pictures of me suck!

I am now looking for a new picture to be my main picture.

If you think you have one of me, or can find anything representative of me, hell, even draw one yourself! Then send it to me. If I choose your picture, I will give you shout outs in every single bulletin I post for a period of one month!!

(Admittedly, this isn't that big a deal, on account of I don't do all that many bulletins)

Alright, find me a new pic!

so I told you all about my hair buzzer going downhill a week ago, and I had to go to work with just the hair around my ears trimmed...not my best look...

well I bought some new clippers and finished my hair the next day.

Yesterday I decided to try the old ones again, just for giggles. They worked about half the time, but would stop unexpectedly.

Well they were headed for the trash, my old buzzers, when it popped into my head, what can I buzz that I wouldn't before?

I trimmed my underarms, and it was just a short jump of the imagination after that...

I took a swipe at my balls!

but unlike my head, which conveniently drops shavings over the sink, into a trash bag, there were pubes heading towards the floor. That, I reasoned, was too much to clean up if I was going to continue.

So two minutes later, I've got one foot on the tub, one foot on the counter, and my balls are hanging directly over the toilet. I start buzzing, and get a little too close. The buzzer stops, and the next thing you know, I have a neat row of little blood spots on my balls.

I don't consider myself a wuss. I have seen a guy get shot, I've seen people dead, I've cut myself, even split my ear in half and been caked in blood.

but those little spots, pinprick size spots of blood on my most favoritte area of the body, upset me a lot, and then I got woozy.

I woke up with one foot in the toilet, flat on my back, a good bump on my head, and very mismatched hair patterns down around Mr. Jimmy.

after extricating myself, I grabbed the new clippers, cuz hey, it's still just hair!
I finished the job, hopped in the shower, and went to find beer.

Learn from my experiences people, when trimming your balls, always use a well oiled, and completely working hair trimmer.

So I've been a little more laid back, less outrageous, since I moved away from Lauderdale. I had convinced myself that people in a smaller community just wouldn't take to the crazyness as well.

Well last night, I felt a calling. I felt an urge to do work that was not my own! I walked into the bar, with my good short on, and a respectable tie. I faced the audience with my head held high! And upon that stage, in a small town bar, I began to testify!

And the drunkards, and the whores, and the women of ill-repute did stand up! And they did rejoice!

So yeah, I did the show as a southern baptist preacher. The bar was packed, and stayed packed!

It's good to put on a show again.

It's officially my new Gerri's.

I'm back....

How can you be concerned
with a thing I might have said
I drank and drank the night
and can't remember

I am but a sidenote
on the story of your life
don't you know by now
I am but a jester

You think they all like me
because I make them laugh
but I know what's true
they'd have laughed anyway

you may not be a princess
you may be just a  maid
but they all like you
for you they'll stay forever

I am but a sidenote
on the story of your life
we're both happier now
but I am still the jester

So why are you concerned
with some words I may have said
the night I drank and drank
but can't remember

how do you explain wistful??


what's new with you?
what's goin on?
how is everything back there
since I've been gone?

what's new with me?
well I'm doing fine
not much of a plan for me
so I can't be running behind

everything is just ok
life sure seems to go my way
and I sure can not complain
about the way things seem to go

and now and then I think about
trying to live my life without
a certain smile everyday
if it's for me then let me know

[chorus]
what do you want to do here
baby make yourself real clear
I'm not trying to claim your hand
I just need to understand
I don't mind spending some time
after all the time is mine
and it's ok if it's just fun
but let me know if I'm your one

I see your face inside my mind
I close my eyes and in no time
it all comes flooding back to me
your laugh, your smile it's so carefree

and who knows
where our story goes
maybe just a couple nights
maybe all the rest our lives

but if I throw it all away
what I worked for everyday
the life I'm leading today
ain't that easy to find

do you want me there
do you want to see me again
every day
should I catch the next bus back to you
you know I will if you want me to
girl just please be fair to me
if it can wait just set me free

chorus x2

Well, I got in a pissing match with someone famous, a singer and songwriter. We have said our apologies, and made nice, and now I got an itch to scratch.

I don't wonder what it's like
when they're watching every move
what you wear, what you say
Will the whole world still aprove?

I don't wonder what it's like
to walk out your own door
to see the faces of the lions
does it shake you to the core?

I don't wonder what it's like
rarely having your own space
to do as you like, and nobody cares
do you ever know your own place?

Who asked you, if they could snap away
pictures left and right
who asked you, if they could drive along
and follow you through the night

While the rest of us sleep at night
notoriety, is nothing that we fear
imagining fortune and fame
we dream of it, 'cause it's never really clear

Do you wonder what it's like
for no-one to know your name?
Do you wonder what it's like
to be treated just the same?

Do you wonder what it's like?
to walk along the street, just as an unknown
I think I might glimpse what it's like
To reap a life you haven't sewn

I don't wonder what it's like
to hardly know privacy at all
I don't wonder what it's like
on that side of the glass wall.

Truly awesome content, if crappy music.

I get home from the bar at three
jump in bed turn on the tv
pick my channel isn't all that hard
girls gone wild
porno for retards!

the thing that get's me so disturbed
you can't see a thing, it's all censored
you know it's hot, girls are so damn fine
and it's cheap at two, for nine-ninety-nine!
(plus delivery)

I hit the remote button, change the channel fast
can't be seen at the post office
signing for this trash
I'll just click away temptation
it shouldn't be too hard
but every channel I change to
is showin porno for retards!

it's on every channel
on my tv
even nick at nite
WE, and fuckin disney

I don't have a thing against
sluts who get naked, on my tv set
but things like this, won't tent my pants
it's like going to hooters when you want a lap daaance.

or like going to McDonalds when you really want steak
like eating a cookie, when you really want cake
buying a honda, when you wanted a porche
like grocery shopping at quickie mart store

[slow down]
or like watching naked girls
that are ugly and fat
yeak it's kinda funny but what good is that?
I need hard core action
with a donkey and a midget
so girls gone wild, what good is it?

[speed up]
it's like going to the toy store when you need to buy a gun
or going roller-blading when you want to have fun
it's like getting a ten speed when you really want a Harley
or listening to sublime, when you really wanted Marley....

or like smokin a cigarette when all you want is crack
getting a whopper when you need a big mac
drinkin smirnoff flavors when you want to drink crown
you want to get laid but she only goes down!

girls gone wild!
porno for retards!
girls gone wild!
porno for retards!
girls gone wild!
porno for retards!

porno for retards!
(At least it's not scrambled cable)

I'm feeling creative. You may even say inspired. But you'd be wrong.

It's a dark room, light from a tv
photo album in the middle of the night
don't matter that my eyes can't see

I know every face, but nearly no names
the only proof of ten full years of lies & games
there's nothing much left of me

then I land on her picture, so pure and so sweet
pick me up, as high as you can, don't tickle my feet.
I wanna see the stars, but it's dark out there
you got to hold my hand, cuz then I won't care.

and all the girls, and all the nights
don't mean much to me right now,
when I'm ready to fight

I'm not proud of much, regrets piled up high
and I can't even pretend I don't know the whys
I'm too far gone for that

then another page, birthday number five
jumpin on a trampoline, said she felt so alive
I still see her smile, when I turn my head
and I can hear almost every word, she's ever said.

turn the tv off, another sleepless day
I feel if I beleived in God, I might even pray
how funny is that

it's cold in here, I don't mean the room
inside my head, everything is dead, but there's no tomb
how sad is that

the alarm clock rings, it reminds me how
we set up hers, her first day of school, I can see it all now.
it's times like these, when decisions are so hard
do I sit here thinkin what she's doin now
or look for a deeper dark?

then I see her face.
though the picture's gone
It's not hard to do
I've done it for so long
sleep just might find me yet
if I can learn to get past these regrets
one thing I wish I'd never know
is living life out here alone.

[massive guitar shreddage]

she'll be seventeen, in three more days
I don't even know where to send this card anyway
it goes in the box
with the rest of her things
maybe she'll come and get it
when she hears the song I sing.....

[three steps higher guitar action]

OK, we all know McD's has some of the best fast/drunk/crap food on the planet. But their service is lacking.

3:51 AM: I pull up to my local 24 Hours Drive Thru. Note the words "24 hours"

"We're sorry, we're closed preparing for breakfast"

I yell at the man in the little box "When do you open?"

"4 am." he squawks back.

at this point it is 3:52 am.

"That's less than ten minutes from now. Why don't I give you my order, a chicken biscuit and a delicious sausage egg and cheese mcgriddle, and you can cook it while you are preparing for breakfast..."

"I'm sorry, we're not prepared to cook your breakfast until after we have prepared for breakfast."

I've worked in a kitchen before. If he was changing the oil in the fryer, I could understand no hashbrowns, but what exactly do you do to prepare for breakfast? The food comes frozen anyhow...

So I drive across the street to the waffle house, which really is open 24 hours a day, and get a large to go coffee, and bs with the waitress for a while.

4:11 AM: I pull up to the drive-thru at the same McDonalds, confident they have had 11 more minutes than they needed to have breakfast ready, and also feeling good about how fresh my breakfast would be.

"We're sorry, we are closed while the computers reboot for the day."

"That's ok, I don't want to buy a computer. Let me have a chicken biscuit and a delicious sausage egg and cheese mcgriddle."

"I'm sorry, we can't take any orders untill the computers reboot"

Now, we have all heard that people that work at McDonalds can't add or subtract without their trusty computers.

I have been an electrical engineer, and have used computers for the last 20 years. Even at the worst moment in Windows 95 first edition, the longest I waited for a computer to reboot was maybe five minutes.

"OK, I'll wait for the computer to reboot."

"It'll be thirty minutes, sir."

What is this, the computer that launches the space shuttle? Is it big blue? Is it an abacus? Actually, those are like etch-a-sketches, shake an abacus, and it reboots. Very quickly too.

I drive 4 miles down the road, and at 4:18 am I order myself a chicken biscuit, and a delicious sausage egg and cheese mcgriddle. And a new coffee.

Within 3 minutes, they have handed me my order, wished me a wonderful morning, and I am on my way back home.

Where I eat my chicken biscuit and delicious bacon & egg mcmuffin.

I hate you, McDonalds.....