and there is too much fear to breathe.



These past few months, I've felt like I'm falling apart. Cracking at the seams.
And I can't seem to pull myself together.
I don't know what to do anymore.

I know life isn't fair, but...
This is beyond unreasonable.

I work so hard, I try so hard, I do everything I should do and avoid everything I shouldn't do.
I've never done anything really bad.
I've never been in trouble with the law.
I've never done drugs or even fucking drank alcohol.
The only really illegal thing I've done is let my father teach me to drive when I didn't have a permit, for godsake.

I help people when they need it, I put others first and myself second the majority of the time,
The first twelve years of my life were an absolute hell. And my father would be the first to agree to that statement.

I don't understand why everything bad happens to me. I just want one thing, one thing amazing, to happen, but I can't get that. How do I not deserve it?! I do everything I can, and somehow it still adds up to nothing. Why isn't it my turn to have something good happen? To have something to be really happy about? This isn't fair to me. I've suffered enough, I've been through things the majority of people will never have to experience. And these things go far faaaaaar beyond just my mother dying of cancer.

And now, now I get to sit on the sidelines and watch the one person I've always had in my life, become more miserable and more sick as the days pass. I can't take this, I can't do this anymore.

I'm slipping into depression and I don't know how to pull out of it.

I want things to get better.
But it just seems I somehow don't deserve that...

No matter how many times I have been hurt, used, or mistreated,
I've always kept my faith in humanity.

I believe there is good in everyone, no matter who they are or what they have done.
Somewhere, deep down, there is a kindness in us all.
There is a shred of decency.
There is something worthy of admiration.

It is this faith that keeps me from giving up.
It is this faith that my strength feeds off of.

No one can be completely heartless, I refuse to believe this.

And no matter what else happens to me in the future, I will never lose my faith.

Because without my faith,
I'd lose my strength. And without that, there is no hope for me.