Serpentine Bond

How long must you keep me waiting?
I'm the only one here.

Light me.

I'm a stick of poison poised to strike
like a viper in a basket;
I enthrall and never cease to satisfy
until even your pores reek of my essence.

No one has to know.

You can have me in the bathroom,
flush away evidence and walk out whistling—
smelling of breath mints.

It's not a sin to give in.

Years from now you'll still remember
how I felt like and tasted,
just be sure to make this last time count.

Savor the moment.

You can heed the Surgeon General's appeal
some other time.

Today, you are mine.

yeah and i feel so f*ucked up,i dunno if im gonna die here or anything.this is what i get,im trapped.sh*t im slippin' away from reality,yey phia in the house!im loosing it man!and im starting to hate a lot of people now and my death list turned into  scrap ..book,seriously!name/birthdate/how and when to kill that person.most of them are my relative's.i wanna f*cking scream.but im still smiling.oh yeah!broken smile!i wanna kill them all,i'll put arsenic on their food and watch them die in front of me,i'll bring you yo tyhe darkness you bunch of faggots.mmm....i'll put their corpses into a large plastic shredder and grind them into pieces.its better if im gonna throw them there alive,feet first ladies!or i'll have their water contaminated and sh*t and bring disease to every one!yey we're all gonna f*cking die!!!!oh yeah!im bleeding again....right between the legs...hahaha

it occured to me again,this time in the middle of procastinating
against studying and writing.i kept you safe within the remote areas
of my consciousness,but suddenly,as if driven by an unknown force,
your memory unearths itself,returning some sort of unfinished business.
consequently,i paused from studying and i start thinking about you.
and it always left me a touch of sadness.

as far as i was concerned,i made it a point not to think about you anymore,
not as i used to,in the form of preoccupation.
there are lot's of things to do,friends to spend time and energy with,
family affairs,television,radio.there's even a a new object of affetion in the rough.
works for the most part i should say.within the confines of my room with my books before me,
there is forgetting.just like the manner by wich ice cubes freeze bacteria within their crystal networks.
as long as they remain frozen,everythings safe.there is no need to worry.
but somehow,you still manage to permeat my system,
as if it were an expertise or a tediously learned skill.

moment by moment,you profusely enter my mind,filling my awareness with
lost memories of once-upon-a-time and what not's.
remembrances of holding hands,afternoon walks,lunch outs,text messages
and phone calls.of yesterdays seemingly unbreakable promises and proclamations of forever.
i should've put into mind what an old friend once wrote,"forever is not real".
i have always yearned to understand what had happened between us.us wont even suffice : it was never
a real relationship to begin with.we just hung out and talked and spent time together
more often than we did with our other friends and colleagues.

sometimes it pained me that i could not do anything in my power to make you speak
about us.certainly,the ambiguity wich you never wanted to clarify.
i could only let you go on with whatever it was you desired,
wether it be ranting about your insecurities,rejoicing over happier news,
or lamenting about your eventful past.on the other side,
i remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up emotion.i was like a child with beaming eyes,
eager to hear more stories of how you came to about the person that you are.

for you once told me that listening to you gave you the strenght to go on,
and so i did.i have always wanted you to be ok.yet when it was my turn to be heard,
the silence was void.i suspended my disbelief when i convinced myself that you always meant well,
whenever you apologized for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of depression,
or when you simplify things by saying that everything will be allright.
i know i should not expect things from other people,perhaps i was at fault when i wanted more from you
when you can only give so little.you hurt me many,many times.you hurt me intensely.

i never dared to tell you anything about it.i was a fool to think that it was a better way
of dealing with things.and that,i presume to be my mistake : i abandoned myself.
i sought for your happiness that i forgot mine altogether.and just like that,you vanished,
very much like a soap bubble floating across air.i have watched you in complete awe,
wonder and even fascination.and similar to any ethereal fleeting moment,
you were gone,leaving me clueless to weter you existed in the first place.

so maybe what we had was love.maybe i loved you,and i hope to heavens that you
loved me back : even for just a split second when we held hands,or during that moment when
i looked into you eyes,or the time when i laughed at one of your silly quuirks.i'd be content
that in the course of our friendship,there was a moment of mutuality;
even if it was so quick i never noticed it all.perhaps i still do love you,
but that wont do much now.i can fight to save everything i invested,but i chose not to.

i have treasured you in the past,and that will be enough.right now all i can do is wish you well
in your endeavors,including the pursuit for the one who is right for you.
when you find her,i wish she makes you happy.you make her happy as well.
the end is only the beggining disguised as parting.
i will still think about you every now and then,probably sad once in a while,but you need not to
worry.for i am okay and i will always be okay under all circumstances.
it may take time for me to love again,but in the long run,it will be all worth it.
i may still risk myself,but every risk in its own respect is worth taking anyway.

love is such a convulated mixture of emotions and decisions that its a matter of working
your way through it.thank you for gracing my life like a whirl wind,leaving me
inspired and furious,affectionate and listless.
you've taught me quite a lot and i learned them in the most humbling manner.

thank you for showing me what it means to be human,to commit mistakes,
and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened.like what i always say
"ad astra per aspera".a rough road leads to the stars.
im on my way to becoming stellar.

i was out playing with my labrador today,bruno this afternoon,and i was doing that thing where you pretend to throw the ball and then dont throw it and bruno starts runnin for it until he realizes you didnt throw it at all.usually i only do it two or three times but today i guess i was thinking about something else because when i realized that i hadnt thrown the ball yet,i had done it about a hundred and forty times .bruno eas a little bit crossed eyed and foamy and he wouldnt come back in the house for a long time.

i wonder if dogs can hold a grudge....

i know that a lot of people,mostly his friends,
cursed me for  being the weak person i was and
for giving him up easily,but if they would only ask,
i would tell them that,even as i walked away from the
city park that adieu night,i was wishing that he would
run after me and stop me from saying goodbye to our
fairy tale.

if they would only ask,i would tell them
that it was almost a year before i finally stopped pinning for him,
that i craned my neck in places that he was likely to be in,
and that i hoped foolishly that someday we would give an ending to our story.
if they would only ask,i would tell them that i blamed myself too.

even so,i prefer not to tell these confessions voluntarily.
it does not matter now.it has taken time for me to realize
that whatever i do,nothing will make time turn back anymore.our summer
has gone allready,and no matter how many summer's pass by again,
we cannot anymore relive it.but even if time cannot turn back anymore,
i can always look back to that summer,for i have nothing left
now but mere memories.

and despite the fact that i cannot
experience those memmories again,despite the fact that our memories
will never repeat itself again,it is still a story that can always
be given its own ending when someday comes.or better yet,when that someday comes,
i hope it will be a story that will never end anymore,even when summer does.