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**Heather**



Last Updated: 11/28/2009

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Status: Single
Age: 25
City: binghamton
State: New York

Blog Archive
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Tuesday, October 28, 2008 
how much shit can one person take before it's too much? i spend my whole life trying to be different from everyone, such a good person,  and stay true to myself and what does it get me? absolutely fucking nothing. because people in this world don't care. everyone does whatever the hell they want without thinking about how it affects other people. it's one thing after another...every day something new. i've lost or had to give up everything that matters to me and i'm left with little pieces of my life that don't make any sense. everyone is so worried about this damn election but you know what? it really doesn't matter who wins because nothing will get better. because you can change the rules all you want but you can't change people. and people are SHIT.

i wish i could run away alone so no one can hurt me anymore.
8:25 PM 
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Saturday, April 19, 2008 
    so i guess it's time for a new blog. spring is finally here. i wish i could enjoy it more. my mind has been far too preoccupied lately to really enjoy myself, unfortunately. most of you reading this i'm sure already know the details. i was recently really hurt by someone who i maybe trusted a little to easily. but i had decided that if i never let me guard down, i'll never let anyone in, and i'll never really be happy. well i was for a month. i felt like there was that little bit of me that was fulfilled and things were actually looking up. and i had someone to share it with. stupid me for believing anything that makes me happy could last. i should know better by now. let's just say it will be a long time before i trust again. cause i'm sick of being hurt because of it. i don't have time to write anything else on this right now considering i have to go to work on the nicest day yet. typical. maybe i'll finish later. 
4:52 PM 
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Sunday, November 11, 2007 
for those of you who don't know already...


i feel i may have finally been rewarded for my many years of service to the retail industry.  earlier this week i was hired as the new assistant manager at coconuts in the town square mall. i probably will not be able to hold onto jo-ann's as much as i love my discount, but i'll be bringing in twice as much money as i am right now. i may actually be able to start getting myself out of the giant pit of doom i'm currently living in. i officially start training next week and should be full time by the week after thanksgiving. other than having to wear bright yellow every day, i think i'll finally be happy in this job. sorry, cliche-ists of the world...but money does buy happiness. that is to say, having enough money allows you to not be miserable about just living in general. so things may be looking up. i'll update you all on how it's going. and come in and visit me, but don't be an ass cause now i can throw you out. ;)

in other news...christmas is coming! woohoo! i'm planning on throwing a party again, if i can manage to get all the rest of my family out of the house long enough...complete with hot apple cider, hot cocoa, christmas caroling, and a few drunks who drank too much wine.  so more news about that as the time comes around.

hope everyone has a grand thanksgiving! (and stay safe on black friday.)

~heather~
12:46 AM 
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Monday, October 29, 2007 
it sucks an awful lot to be a yankee fan right now.  they might as well have killed every person that isn't coming back. it's gonna feel the same way anyway.

as if i didn't have enough shit to be miserable about already.
9:53 PM 
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Tuesday, October 09, 2007 
of everything.

all summer i looked forward to fall. the hot weather would be gone, the leaves would turn, and the yankee postseason would be just around the corner. and i would be singing again. yet here i am, feeling as terrible as always. it started when my choir director called me to tell me not to come back. how nice of my voice teacher who supposedly cares about my future to deny me the chance to sing. he said that it was time for me to "move on." and where exactly am i supposed to be moving on to? does he think that i'm staying in binghamton because of how much i love it? i think anyone who knows me knows how i feel about this God-forsaken city. i haven't "moved on" yet because i can't afford it. so much for trying to keep my voice together by singing as much as i can. he not only is hindering me from my training, but taking away from me the one thing that i could control in my life and actually enjoyed.  i'm starting to wonder why i held out hope that i could ever finish school. i'm not really sure what made me think i could do it. i should have known better than to think something could go right in my life.
and now the one thing that has held me together the past month is over. i never thought after the battle back to the top that it would come to this. and no, it is not just a game. not to me. so don't even bother going there.  just be nice enough to let me grieve in peace. i'll be dealing with enough shit at work, i don't need it from my friends.
 i don't care what people say about jobs and money. unless you're living in it, you have no right to tell me how easy or hard it is. so don't judge me if you haven't experienced it. nothing has changed in my family to make things better. but it has gotten worse. as if we could afford another baby. maybe if someone had listened to me 6 or 7 years ago we wouldn't be in this mess. i never have time to myself, and when you're on the verge of breaking, that's precious time lost. i don't have money to do anything anymore. i barely ever see my friends and they're hating me for it. i'm angry all the time...and i have a right to be. i'm tired of hearing "it could be worse." you know what? it can ALWAYS get worse. these words of "encouragment" do not help. just realize that maybe i have a reason to be miserable in the shithole that i live in and stop trying to make me happy about it. why did i get stuck in a family with no ambition? no one understands me. every day i have to hear about how what a stupid, ugly, waste of space i am because i still live at home at 23 and make no money. all coming from the mouth of an 18 year old with a kid. i'm ready to give up. i don't see things ever turning around. i've started to just live day to day expecting the worse so that maybe i'll get pleasantly surprised once in awhile. but it doesn't usually happen. i realize i'm a negative person. put me in a place surrounded by something other than negativity and maybe that will change.  but don't expect me to just wake up in the morning to screaming children and put a smile on my face while i shower in someone else's dirty water because we can't afford to get the plumbing fixed. i'm not a fake person. i never have been and i never will be. i don't see the need to pretend to be someone i'm not. you shouldn't have to get by in this world based on that. and i don't have much to fake being happy about anyway. i lost my strength a long time ago when my family gave up on ever fixing itself. i'm done trying. i can't change anything. i guess i'll just sit back and watch our lives unravel until we're at the end.
i'm tired of living being broke all the time. i'm tired of trying to acheive things that are out of reach. i'm tired of being let down. i'm tired of feeling like crying every nite. i'm tired of actually crying. i'm tired of life.
5:14 AM 
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Tuesday, July 17, 2007 

Category: Life
my life is pretty gay! well, not literally of course...i haven't completely given up on the male population just yet...but i sure feel like it sometimes. sheesh. the more problems i hear about from my friends and family with relationships, watching them make mistakes and allowing their lives to fall apart over people that shouldn't matter as much as they do...it makes me think...what's the point? and then i remember about the good that everyone's missing. the good that some people have and throw away...the perfect love that only comes once in a lifetime that gets lost seemingly overnight...sometimes *literally* overnight. as cliche as they are, there's a couple phrases that really are true:

*the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return*

and

*it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all*

now. if i may blend the two together to make them both a little more accurate...

-it's better to have loved and been loved in return, and then lost, than to never have loved at all.
now that makes a little more sense, because dammit, i think the worst feeling in the world is unrequited love. believe me, i've been there. and it SUCKS. especially when you not only know that you can never have who you want, but they proceed to tear out your heart, spit on it, hammer it with a meat mallet, and give it back to you in pieces. a little bitter? yea. i am. and still hurt, even after all these years. of course, i've never the chance to experience the love that moulin rouge speaks of. the kind that's returned. and because i know how much it hurts when it's not...i'm pretty sure it probably is the best feeling in the world when it is. i have friends who can vouch for that. this is where the "better to have loved and lost" phrase comes into play...

no matter how much it hurts right now, more than ever imaginable...even sickening pain...the pain won't last forever. things will work out in the end. waiting and not knowing is the hardest part. but realize that those moments you shared...that amazing time when it was just two people in love...that you had the world. it was "movie love." and no matter how many times you say "it would be so much easier if any of it never happened", i know that you would never really take back any of those moments because they were the happiest you had ever experienced. and love that was lost may not be lost forever.

i've had a couple friends experience that. undeserved, might i add. and watching them go through it...not easy. but they came out of it and are better because of it. so anyway, there were a lot of things i could have written about in this blog. i don't really know why all of that came out instead. i guess it's because i'm 23 and getting older every day. and everywhere i go i see kids who graduated 4 years after me who are already MARRIED. makes me feel kiiiinda like a loser. i know, i know. it's worth waiting for. good things come to those who wait. you just have to wait around for the right one. why is it always about waiting?? arg. i guess i'm just so frustrated with parts of my life being so unstable it would be nice to lean on something, someone, i was sure of. the one thing my family can't screw up is my love life and i can't even find one of them. i'll end with this and just let kelly clarkson sum it all up for me...

You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me

Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me

I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me

I'm restless and wild
I fall, but I try
I need someone to understand
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I've fought
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me




love to all.
4:45 AM 
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007 
as most of you know already...my niece ana had her baby over the weekend. for those of you who haven't seen pictures yet, go to this page where liz has already done all the work for me. :)

Nevaeh
3:55 AM 
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Monday, October 16, 2006 
1. people who put so much shit on their myspace that it takes 5 minutes to load, sometimes causing firefox to freeze...using roadrunner.

2. people at work who put recovery in the wrong carts making it takes 10 times longer to put away instead of taking an extra 10 seconds to do it right the first time.

3. anyone who goes shopping and can't re-fold a shirt because it's "not their job". work retail one day in your life, asshole.

4. women who can't find material here good enough for the "working woman." NEWS CHECK: you live in binghamton, you idiot.

5. collection agencies. enough said.

6. people who live solely off of their welfare checks. get off your lazy ass, go get a job at mc donalds, and stop making the rest of the world support you while we work our asses off.  and ask me if i care that you already have 7 kids. it's called self control.

7. customers who think they can do your job better than you. you're so smart? fine. come over to this side of the counter and fucking do it yourself.

that's all for now. i'll add more as they come.
2:34 PM 
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Wednesday, October 11, 2006 
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Third Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test
2:07 AM 
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Monday, October 02, 2006 
it's been a long regular season. a tough race early on for the top spot in the AL East...the team being plagued by injuries, only to be brought out of it with amazing new talent...a beantown massacre...that doesnt need any more explanation...and the yanks pulling out the best record in baseball once again, as i had said they would the entire year. but the regular season would be meaningless without one thing...a 27th world championship. and this year the yankees have a full lineup that can do it. from top to bottom, everyone is a threat. here's how it's likely gonna play out...

1. Johnny Damon
2. Derek Jeter
3. Bobby Abreu
4. Alex Rodriguez
5. Gary Sheffield
6. Jason Giambi
7. Hideki Matsui
8. Jorge Posada
9. Robinson Cano

boy...talk about Murderer's Row.

and the pitching is better than it has been in years. with Wang in the first spot in the rotation giving Santana a run for his money this year for the most wins, only to be followed by Moose and Johnson, i have no doubts they'll get all the pitching they need. because we need not forget that waiting to strike in the bullpen is the best closer that baseball has ever seen...Mariano Rivera. get to him, and it's over.

so there's only one thing left to be said...


BRING ON OCTOBER.
7:42 PM 
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