I am going to get back into performing stand-up comedy, so I've been writing material down today. Any feedback is appreciated:

So I'm Mary Roach. Bugs or drugs, which do you choose? My middle name should have been Jane.... but it's ok, I've met people with names almost as bad as mine. When I was 17, I had a telemarketing job. I called someone by the name of Imarari Dyke. And she picked up, and I was like, "Heyyy, is this Imarari Dyke?" and she said, "You can call me Ima." So, Ima Dyke, cool. I kept saying that name every chance I got. "Soooo, Ima Dyke, you need to come to our showroom, and Ima Dyke, you will get 30 to 70% off, and Ima Dyke, we have special discounts on carpet, so Ima Dyke, you need to ACT NOW (in Billy Mays voice) and pray later, bitch, 'cause (in southern redneck voice) I just done ripped you off."

On the topic of advertisements, everyone who owns a TV has to know who Billy Mays is. *Does Billy Mays impersonation* *shudders* I don't know about you, but being yelled at doesn't really make me want to buy something. If I wanted to get yelled at, I could just go visit my parents and get yelled at for free.

I'm really broke, so sometimes I have to be incredibly frugal. Like I'll se all these beautiful women walking around with perfectly manicured nails and I'll be thinking, "Pssssht! Those ladies are stupid! Why get that expensive manicure when you can BITE your nails for FREE?"

Another time, I was riding my bike and I flew off my handlebars. My body smacked the asphalt, bounced up, and smacked it again, and a good samiratan called 911. That bastard. And then the EMTs arrived, and I was like, "NOOOOOO!!!! Don't touch me! I don't have insurance!!"
"We just want to take your vital signs, ma'am."
"Well, are vital signs going to cost me? If so, LOOK! *motions to run* I can run away! I CAN RUN AWAY! I AM RUNNING AWAY FROM YOU PEOPLE!!!"

So I found out that if I give plasma, the blood bank will give me sixty dollars. Of course, I have to go back like six times in the next three weeks to GET those sixty sollars, but I also found out that they give you orange juice and let you watch Law & Order. I LOVE orange juice and Law & Order... when can we go back?!

But sometimes, to make myself feel better, I'll give myself a little pep talk and say, "I'm not BROKE; I'm financially challenged. Between credit cards. An indeterminate banker. Economically marginalized. Or maybe just economically unprepared!" In our current politically correct world, it's quite socially acceptable to give yourself those kinds of titles. After all, a housewife is a domestic engineer, a fat person is a person of substance, a fast food employee is a sandwich artist, a bad dancer is just excessively caucasian, a balding man just suffers from natural removal of his hair follicles, and a two-bit whore is just a lower cost option.

...does anyone have any ideas for topics I should touch upon? Anything is appreciated. It has been awhile since I've performed stand-up (over a year) and while I was a natural at it once (at the height of my AI fame when I performed at the Improv and such), I'm currently a little rusty.

...love. It'll be 2.5 years in December, and we have just as many silly, goofy times (along with as much romantic spark) as we did when we first met. I'm so happy to have someone who I love who loves me back, understands me, and believes in me.

...my job. It may be boring, it may not pay very well, and I may be hunting for another one, but it serves its purpose and I am happy it's there. I've seen some pretty desperate, destitute times and I'm glad that I can at least survive now.

...my family. Even if we disagree on some things, I'm still close to them and their hearts are in the right places. I love them very much.

...my friends. I've been blessed to meet some amazing people.

...my fans. I feel strange typing that out because honestly, I do not think I'm a big deal, but almost every day, someone finds me on here from one of my TV appearances and writes me. I'm thankful for the supporters... and I don't give a shit about the naysayers...

...my health.

...my body. I gained 50 pounds about a year and a half ago, which was very hard on me both mentally and physically. I lost 40 of those 50 pounds and now wear the same size, in addition to having much better muscletone. I'm thankful that I lost those 40 pounds quickly and easily (4-5 months) and did not face too many obstacles. More importantly, though, I am thankful that for the FIRST time in my ENTIRE life, I've found peace with my body. I'm slim and fit without having an eating disorder of any sort, which is a first for me. I no longer hate my body, as I did for so many years no matter what size I was.

...my creativity. I hope one day I can actually use it.

...my intelligence. Sure, stupid people may be happier because they're too dense to realize their life sucks, but I'd honestly gain 50 pounds before losing 50 IQ points (which, by the way, would put me in average range)

...my friendly disposition. Now, some people might think that's a silly thing to be thankful for, but I've heard that some people really have to try hard just to be kind to strangers.

I'm sure there's more, but those are the immediate things I'm thankful for.

I found this to be pretty funny.

-- Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

-- Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

-- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

-- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

-- Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

-- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

-- Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

-- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

-- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

-- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

-- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

-- The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

-- Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

-- 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

-- The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

-- Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

and last but not least...

-- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

I was originally going to rant about how politicians are so full of crap, making it impossible to know who to believe, but somehow this turned into a rant about my politicial views in general.

Some people think the democrats stand for progression and change in this nation, while others think they're a bunch of whack jobs with no morals who wish for the impossible idea of world peace. Some people think the republicans stand for moral and ethical values, whereas others think they're a bunch of snobby, traditionalist freaks with old ideals that no longer apply to today's society. Some people think democrats are the ones who want to help others by using our tax dollars, while assuming republicans want to cut the taxes and believe in the motto "every man for himself." Some people think republicans just want to keep the government's nose out of their business, while assuming the democrats want to move toward socialism.

To quote a cliché, "It's a two-sided coin."

I identify as a liberal democrat, going by the dictionary definition. I believe in representing the working person. I believe in using our tax dollars to help others and better this nation. I think a good democrat in the office could really help our economy and put government spending to good use. I'm not saying a republican couldn't do the same (ANYONE is better than BUSH!), but I'd prefer a democrat. However, I'll accept anyone honest who isn't a complete religious nutcase. These days, politicians are so full of crap that I'm not sure who to believe. As Mandy once said, a politician might as well be nothing without a posse. A large portion of politicians seem to be very wishy-washy on the issues, only developing one specific set of views to appease as many people as possible.

Anyway, back to why I'm a liberal - I'm pro-choice, but not militantly so. I would not personally get an abortion, but I would never take away a woman's choice to get one. I don't personally believe in it if you're already financially set, comfortable,  healthy, and in love (otherwords saying, it's a baby with someone who you would choose to have a child with, there are no medical factors to complicate your pregnancy, and you're able to financially support the child), but if a woman is raped, how is she supposed to want to keep a child without resenting it? I know rape survivors have carried the babies to term and raised them, and I commend/admire these strong women, though I'm not sure if some women would have the strength. I also think the process should be easier and less complicated to put a baby up for adoption.

I'm pro stem cell research, though I know it's a controversial topic. Stem cells can be lab created and/or from healthy adults, as opposed to the ones from embryos. While saying that, I have nothing against embryonic stem cell research in the sense that I think it is great to do something positive with aborted fetuses. They're aborted anyway, right? However, I am also aware of the possibility that some people may get abortions for science if this is completely legalized. I personally find this possibility to be a bit of a disproportionate assumption and believe it would be a rarity (I think it's only a perpetuated belief from the extremists of the right), but again, I try to view things from all sides.

I'm pro gay marriage. It isn't even church marriage; just justice of the peace. It will only be religiously recognized by churches who choose to do so. BECAUSE there IS separation of CHURCH and STATE, NO church would be obliged to honor a gay marriage! I don't understand why so many people are so against it... what's the big deal? We have separation of church and state in our constitution! If you're against gay marriage, don't marry a gay person! It's that simple. I've also said that those who are homophobic wouldn't know a gay person if it sat on their face.

I've always been against the stupid war in Iraq. YES, I understand why we went to war, but I disagree with how we handled it. Osama is not in Iraq, weapons of mass destruction have hardly been found, and troops are dying every day, as well as coming back completely traumatized and FUCKED in the HEAD!

I don't have views on the war on terror (though I DO think the methods we take to prevent terrorism can be a bit silly at times - like I couldn't pick up a wire transfer because my ID was expired, even though the picture was OBVIOUSLY me and I had several other forms of ID on me, my friend Steph got practically terrorized at the airport because the stupid security people demanded her to remove her "cell phone" which was actually her insulin pump - which is attached to her - and she got accused of somehow harboring a bomb when she refused to remove it, and my friend Christina got harassed by museum employees in Washington DC who kept INSISTING to check her bags THOROUGHLY and REPEATEDLY just because she looked potentially middle eastern!), I don't have thoroughly developed views on government spending, and I'm on the fence about a universal health care system because I see both pros and cons. I'm not about to develop views without being well-informed, and while I definitely tend to get fired up about political topics,  I don't know everything.

I had a dream yesterday that held so much significance to my life.

I've had so many dreams over the years where people have aggravated me, angered me, and/or hurt my feelings. In these dreams, I usually wanted to physically harm these people, yet every time I tried, there was a wall that disallowed me from doing so. I would throw punches, yet they would not hit the targets. I would constantly wonder why my punches didn't hurt others when the punches they threw at me caused so much pain.

I realized that this symbolized my soft nature, fear of hurting others' feelings, and previous avoidance of confrontation. I would rather sit angry and dissatisfied than risk upsetting someone else, even if the issue at hand was something that truly ate me away. I would overanalyze and obsess over the situation, moping in secret fury, as the person who pissed me off would continue on their merry way without even realizing the impact of whatever they said and/or did.

Last night, I dreamt that people pissed me off again, only this time, I grabbed them fearlessly and beat the crap out of them. I was strong, and my punches hurt. I'm not saying that I condone violence; infact I've never really been in a physical fight, despite having done marshall arts. I know how to defend myself if I have to, though my fear of hurting others at one point would most likely transcend into physical matters as well.

Lately, I've been unafraid of confrontation, which is strange for me because I've had an avoidant personality pretty much all my life. I've always gone out of my way to please people until recently. I just don't see the point of bending over backwards for people who won't do the same for me. Yes, I do still VERY much believe in the "golden rule" (you know, Matthew 7:12, do unto others as you would wish to have done unto you), but there's a fine line between being a good samaritan and being repeatedly taken advantage of - I may be walking on that line but I hope to never cross it again.

I just wrote a song about this. It's dedicated to everyone who is afraid of speaking their mind.

The Bitch Within

I was always the kid who ran away
When anyone wanted to kick my ass
As a kid, I'd hide behind a bush and pray
That they would all walk by and pass
Then, I tried to appease those kids
I paid them off so I'd have friends
I saw nothing wrong with what I did
'Cause I never got beat up again
But now that

CHORUS:
I'm older and colder and bolder
With experience packed on my shoulders
I've unleashed the bitch within
Overtaken by sensations of frustration,
I'm not afraid of confrontation
I've unleased the bitch within

I always gave everyone their way
'Cause I didn't wanna start a fight
It was always the same thing every day
That's fine with me, ok, alright
I never insulted anyone 'cause I was scared of war
If I got insulted, my response was forget and ignore
But now that

CHORUS

There has to be a time in life when the passive one breaks
Use your voice and speak your mind even if it shakes

Because you're older and colder and bolder
With experience packed on your shoulders
Go unleash the bitch within
Overtaken by sensations of frustration,
Don't be afraid of confrontation
Go unleash the bitch within

Knowing Rock of Love's season finale aired on Sunday makes me truly sad. It feels like someone just died or something, yanno? Now what is going to occupy my Sunday nights until the I Love New York 2 premiere? I am DEVISTATED!

I'm a bit disheartened that Bret chose Jes, because I felt it was obvious that she was not all that interested. When he called her down and declared her to be the winner, she had a vague expression of "oh shit!" on her face that she had to quickly wipe off to play along with the idea of winning a prize. She said she wanted to go have sex with her man in the VSPOT extras, but her radio interviews declare otherwise. (Look up "Jes Rock of Love" on YouTube and you will find one three-part radio interview and a sequel.) She said something to the effect of, "The producers told me to say certain things. There's NO WAY that I slept with Bret or would ever want to!" She implied that he's older than dirt and when asked what the winner received as a consolation prize, she shook her head is disbelief and said, "Nothing. :("

Heather, on the other hand, completely cared about Bret, loved his music, loved the 80's, and seemed to be a good match for him; they definitely had a compatibility of sorts, or a "connection" as Bret would put it. She even got his name tattooed on her neck (which, by the way, she does not regret - she said so on her VH1 Celebreality Interview). And for those who say ridiculously dramatic things like, "Heather would have let Bret die!" in reference to the incident involving the sand dunes, the go cart, and the low blood sugar, keep two things in mind: 1) they edited the hell out of that - go to Heather's myspace: http://www.myspace.com/hchadwell and read her blog. She did care; VH1 just didn't show it. 2) Bret didn't even SAY he wasn't feeling good due to his diabetes. He said, "let's go eat something. I wanna eat. Can we eat now? Let's go eat." That could mean anything. Men always want to eat.

Jes is now dating someone named Quade. Here is his myspace: http://www.myspace.com/j_quade . In my opinion, he has some serious anger management issues and can't spell worth a damn. He seems to be an uneducated jackass who believes he's the shit; someone needs to bust his bubble promptly before his head explodes. He operates a pseudo clothing line called Chii Clothing: http://www.chiiclothing.com - some of the shirts are cute, but the price range of $45-$65 for a friggin' t-shirt is RIDICULOUS. I could make one myself that's just as cute for much less... or I could just go to Wal Mart... their t-shirts are ALSO cute

I heard through the grapevine that most of the ROL chicks are friends with each other now, except some of them still dislike Lacey. If you haven't already heard the big news *sarcasm*, Lacey was acting. She's not really a psycho, nor is she soulless - she was just shit stirring for VH1. Afterall, VH1 DOES tend to reward bad behavior. Proof of this is that Lacey is going to be hosting some sort of rock awards show sometime next year. So no, there won't be any "I Love Lacey" shows happening any time soon, but she definitely got something out of it!

Remember that drunken mess, Tiffany? She's actually a registered nurse, and NOT a drunken mess most of the time; she just had some moments. Brandi C. and Kristia still seem to do everything together and have maintained their friendship. Brandi C. isn't nearly as stupid as she appeared to be on the show; as proved by her Celebreality interview. She's not dumb, just ditzy. Erin wants to be a high school guidance counselor and is a really big Justin Timberlake fan. Really. She hasn't actually had "bigger and better celebrities," she was just mad and said it out of spite. Mia has moved on from her emotional exit and said, "(Bret" has a lot of baggage for someone my age. He has two kids and diabetes... I don't want to be a babysitter to any of them." She also believes Bret is not ready for a good girl like her. She's remained friends with Jes and poses for Quade's Chii Clothing. Magdalena is friends with both of them. All the Chicago chicks hang out together frequently. Brandi M. now has a boyfriend. And Dallas is upset at the show's unfair portrayal of her: they wanted to cast her as the black girl who fights everyone, but once they were done with that, they eliminated her. She had a deep conversation with Bret earlier that day, and Bret said, "I like you because you make me feel good. I got rid of the other black girl because she was too pushy." She's also not sure how to react when people ask for her autograph, nor is she sure about what's going on under Bret's bandana/hat combo.  Which, by the way, I think he's thinning, and redecing, but not totally bald. He appears to have no hat or bandana in the "Talk Dirty to Me" episode and his hair DOES look damaged, thinning, and graying, but he definitely isn't bald. It looked a mess, though. Not glamorous. I'm surprised he let himself be seen on camera looking like that.

On a non sequitor note, I found Bret's pronounciation of "diabeeeetus" to be quite amusing. It reminded me of that old, fat guy on the Liberty commercials... Wilford Brimley!

This life beckons too many questions
There's no doubt that we want to get out
But how can we manage without the advantage?

The concept of higher education is righteously mistaken as another foundation
To enhance the gap between the rich and the poor
Because money, not intelligence, will open the door
The rich go to school for a better position
But the poor can get rich with enough ammunition (bang, bang)
Some of these thieves didn't wanna have to steal
It had no real appeal to their initial ideals
Some of them just wanted to feed themselves meals
But we don't ask how they feel, we just tell them to deal
Their dreams were far fetched and out of control
Behind a criminal mind is a vulnerable soul

This life beckons too many questions
There's no doubt that we want to get out
But how can we manage without the advantage?

As long as shallowness exists, I shall persist
To rip apart the whole structure and expose the nucleus
Because it's obvious -
Our lack of ambition, lack of aspiration
The desire to destroy instead of build a better nation
Causes complications and harms the population
With the apathy we grasp in our lack of inspiration
No imagination, motivation, dedication
This manifestation of distressing realizations
Allows interpretation
But at the end of the day, you wanna know what I feel?
I think we lack the desire and the need to be real.

Can't sing, can't dance
Can't become an actress
'Cause I can't play anyone else besides the misfit
No degree, no job, no formal education
I can't make a living off being smart-
What bullshit
I could make a living off being thin and pretty
But I'm not so skinny and I'm not so tall
But wouldn't it be nice to wear clothes and strike a pose
And be the talk of the town-
I mean- 
The talk of the mall

I wanna be blessed in excess
I wanna be impressed with success
No stress for me, my stress will recess
I wanna be fuckin ' fabulous

Look at those rich kids
They have it off easy
Me, I gotta be sleazy
If I want some cash
No connections to drugs
No friendships with thugs
And I can only give hugs
Because I'm not trash
I could make a grand a week if I lost my dignity
And headed to Cafe Risque with an application
I could strip for dirty truckers and desperate motherfuckers
And other upstanding members of this nation

If I'm sad, then I'm a downer,
But if you encounter my wrath, then I must be a psycho freak
I'm just an angry punk with a facade of spunk
Hiding a soul that's afraid to speak
It might suck to dream big dreams without living them out
But not dreaming at all promotes dissatisfaction
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I'm after
It's such a disaster - 
A meaningless transaction

I wanna be blessed in excess
I wanna be impressed with success
No stress for me, my stress will recess
I wanna be fuckin ' fabulous

Since I work ten hour days, I'm a huge fan of energy drinks - infact, I almost need them to get my job done. I'm definitely not a morning person by default, and waking up is difficult enough as it is, so actually being in a well-lit room as early as 7 AM is a near-impossible task without a little bit of assistance.

The sad (but true) fact is that most energy drinks taste like an awkward combination of cotton candy and cat piss - not that I know what cat piss tastes like, but I imagine it's probably sour, as the chemicals that make up urine (along with its general pH value) would hint to an acidic flavor. ANYWAY, along with their unusually putrid flavor, most energy drinks are packed with calories and carbohydrates, which may give you a short-term ability to focus, but will ultimately make you crash later, and potentially make you hungry, without expediting weight loss in any way. The other downside is that one can get used to the caffeine very quickly, causing the energy drinks to pack a much weaker punch. Still, that's the least of our concerns - we get addicted to coffee in the morning, Coca Cola, and the like, so this is no different.

I have tried almost every energy drink there is, and whenever I hear about a new energy drink on the market, I discover a way to obtain it. So, without further ado, here is my assessment!

Nestle Enviga - The Calorie Burner! (TM): First off, people are incredibly gullible and misinformed if they truly believe they can forego exercise and proper eating just to drink this crap (and still expect to lose weight). I do not believe their marketing tactics are misleading, though, because they clearly state on every can that you must drink 3 cans of it a day to burn an extra 60-100 calories. We all know that you need 3,500 calories to lose one pound, and that this thing costs approximately $1.50 per can. You would need to spend approximately $157.50 for each pound you lose.
Marketing tactics aside, Enviga's not so bad. The berry and peach flavors are decent - they just taste like flavored green tea, but carbonated. Drinking naked green tea, of course, will burn just as many calories, because the 900mg green tea is what contains the "calorie burning ingredients" in the first place. This drink DOES pack an extra punch of energy, due to its high caffeine levels, though if you want a more intense energetic sensation, bypass this drink.
OVERALL RATING: 3.5/5
TASTE: 4/5
CALORIC VALUE: 5/5
ENERGY: 2.5/5

Full Throttle (Regular, Unleaded, Fury, Blue Demon - they're all here): I first tried this a couple years ago or so. The idea of an energy drink made by Coca Cola made me giddy, because I knew it would probably taste good. I eagerly bought the regular version of Full Throttle and felt like I was half right - it tasted okay - better than Rockstar - but was entirely too syrupy and I found myself unable to swallow it after having it sit at room temperature for more than 5 minutes.
Energy wise, the punch isn't bad, but it could be better. It has about the same amount of caffeine (per serving) as a cup of coffee, and since it comes in a 16 oz. can, that's around 2 cups of coffee. It also has some B-vitamins - around 40% DV of B6 and B12 per can, but Red Bull comes with 250% B6 and 80% B12, which is much better both for energy and metabolic increases.
Full Throttle Unleaded packs the same punch as the original, and tastes slightly less sweet (and lighter) since it's "diet" and only ten calories (the original has 200 calories for a can). It tastes like a more bitter version of Diet Mountain Dew, which I'm not particularily fond of, since it makes me feel like I'm in need of Tums every time. I forced this Unleaded thing down my throat, but have tasted way, way better.
With Fury, I was expecting something cherrylicious, since the can is red, but it really tastes more like... hmmm... Surge (or Mountain Dew Vault for those of you who don't remember the former). The taste was actually quite decent, but it still wasn't worth 200 calories a can (or god knows how many carbs). If they came out with a diet (or "no carb" or "unleaded" or whatever terminology they're trying to aim at 20-something men) version, then I'd be down.
Blue Demon is supposed to have a "blue agave" flavor. I looked this up, and was utterly disappointed in the description. I don't care about the history of this blue agave plant (which bears a striking resemblence to marijuana, are they trying to appeal to the organic/hippie crowd  now?), but I skimmed it enough to find out what a blue agave was: it's the same plant used in tequila. That's hot. As for the taste, it was like... syrupy berries with enough acid to properly clean your toilet bowl. It had an overwhelming amount of sugar, really, that made it hard to swallow, as I rarely even drink regular soda (and therefore drinks with such high sugar concentrations make me go "ugh"). 
OVERALL RATING: 3/5
TASTE: 3/5
CALORIC VALUE (most of these are not diet-friendly): 2/5 (except Unleaded gets the 5/5, since it's diet)
ENERGY: 3.5/5

Rockstarrrrrrs!: The original Rock Star tastes awful and I'm a firm believer that it's years of Gene Simmons' piss in a can. I WOULD say Mick Jagger, considering he keeps on rockin' forever also, but he's not into the whole marketing thing like Gene Simmons is. I've been waiting years for Kiss toilet paper (they already made Kiss condoms along with a magazine called Gene Simmons' Tongue, so what CAN'T we expect? Kiss hymnals?).  But anywho, back onto Rockstar... it DOES pack a MEAN punch; much better than anything I've experienced from any other energy drink... it gets me even more pumped than Red Bull, but that could be because the can is bigger. The normal can is 200 calories, but for 10, you can get the same bitter taste and flourescent color with the same amount of energy.
Both Rockstar Juiced drinks are delightful and by far the best tasting of any energy drinks. They give me just as much energy and focus as the original, but with a taste I actually enjoy. They're also 200 calories a can, but almost worth it because they're that awesome.
OVERALL RATING: 4/5
TASTE (original): 1/5
TASTE (juiced): 5/5
CALORIC VALUE: Well, the original is about 3/5 - it has 200 calories but gives you enough energy to almost make it worth it. The juiced  is 4/5 for the same reason
ENERGY: 5/5! HELL YEAHHH!!!
There is ONE downside to this drink, though, and that is the fact that Michael Weiner (CEO of Rock Star)'s father (the guy who gave his son the chemical formula) is Michael Weiner, AKA Michael Savage, the conservative talk show host whose style is similar to Rush Limbaugh. Visit http://www.savagestupidity.com for more on him. Still, I don't believe in boycotting the product, because A) everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and B) It's not Michael Savage's company; it's his son's.

Monster: See my review of Full Throttle and then just add a little more energy.

SoBe No Fear and SoBe Adrenaline Rush: I'm getting lazier and more tired here (almost time for another energy drink!) so this part of the review may be shorter than the others. No Fear is gagilicious, AKA it sucks. Adrenaline Rush tastes like a normal energy drink - acidic, citrus-y, and slightly carbonated. Adrenaline Rush lives up to its name, and No Fear will also provide energy, if you can get past the awful taste. Adrenaline Rush gets a 4/5, No Fear gets a 3/5, and since I'm hitting the crash on these energy drinks, I've become too lethargic to explain why.

Tab Energy: First off, did ya'll know that Tab was the first diet soda ever made? It was sweetened with saccharine, which then briefly got boycotted because it was supposedly linked to cancer. Now? It's near impossible to find Tab COLA, but the energy drink is everywhere! This rocks, tastewise, and calorie wise, too. Its flavor is a bit difficult to describe, but I guarantee it probably tastes nothing like the cola. Energy wise? It's not bad - average, really. It gives about as much of a punch as Full Throttle, but with a better overall package.
OVERALL RATING: 4/5
TASTE: 5/5
CALORIC VALUE: 5/5
ENERGY: 3/5

What is there to say about Red Bull that hasn't already been said or discovered? It's overpriced and overhyped, but delivers so much energy that it all can be overlooked! 4/5.

 Honorable mention: There WAS an energy drink called COCAINE (awesome, huh?) but it got banned last year. It didn't HAVE cocaine in it, obviously, it just gave you the jitters and endless energy the way cocaine is supposed to (I'm not speaking from personal experience). I would LOVE to have tried this, but since people are so politically correct and easily offended, it got off the market before I had my chance. They do sell it on their web site, but now they call it No Name (how LAME is that?) Google search it... because as I mentioned before, I'm getting lazy and this means TOO lazy to give you a link.

Now, the PERFECT energy drink would taste as GREAT as Tab or Rockstar Juiced AND have 0-10 calories AND would pack a bunch like Red Bull... I've yet to find that one, though. When I do, I'll be sure to give it 5/5.