I swear those of the rest of you that live here, we really do live on the most beautiful island in the world.
Yeah it's not a tropical island but we have so many differnt micoclimates here, so many differnt beaches, such differnt scenery depending where you go.
And such amazing history.
Ok we don't have motuinas but tbh if we did the whole island would have to be one :)
I for one am so gratefull I got to grow up here yeah it can be boring I've had some shit times but then i've had the best times of my life here.
It makes me so sad to think about what we're loosing.
What we will never see what we won't see again and what our kids won't get to see due to erosion.
it's natural I suppose but I wish I could have seen places like southview in all there glory.
The old original blackgang too when it was first buiilt. Hence I wish i could have travelled the niton to blackgang road the full journey.
Do any of you remember tarzan down at blackgang.
i remember him when I was 10, the next time I went back to blackgang he was half way down the cliff.
I want to step 100 year forawrd to see if they still try and save it, they can only keep moving it further up the island before it loses all the things we loved it for as kids, the cheep takky plastic dinosaurs :)
all the amazing plants that made you think you were in a jungle :p
And best of all rumpus mansion :'(
they can't move rumpus mansion as it's a real house. Will they keep moving things further up but have it loose all it's charm or will they let the sea take it so everyone can remember blackgang in all it's glory as we remember it.
unfortunatly not how the victorians remmeber it.
it would be amazing to see it back then :)
now some pics
From this

To this



hahaah remember this, and that it always smelled of piss inside XD
And remmeber when it became not as easy to get in and oh so near bloddy impossible to sqeeze out?

Rumpus mansion for some reaosn still one of the most scary places on earth, even more so than that bloody crooked house!

The fairy castle :) I always wanted to live there ^^ for those of you who have never been, you can climb those turrets they're people sized and have spiral staircses inside :)

Remember tarzan? :p

Who hasn't climed that dinosaur, and the zebras they're fun to ride!

I think i'll write more island blogs about differnt parts that I love maybe.
But blackgangs one of my faves, that whole area, I just wish I could find some southview pics :(
I do so love this place :(

Everyday i look at thing I know will piss the shit off out of me, pictures of people I used to know still haning out still being mates.
people I was friends with still being friends.
I'm never in any of these pictures.
And don't give me bs about me having friends now cause thats all it is.
yeah i have friends now but they have their own friends.
their best friends.
I have a couple who really try to help me out and are super nice to me and i'm gratefull but at the end of the day wheres my best friend.
The person there to miss me all the time and for me to miss.
Wheres my person to hang out with 24/7 to call up and be called no matter the time of day or night.
So fuck most of you fuck you all.
Cause I don't care what you say you all fucking have it except me.
Then I go back to winding myself up.
Looking at the popular ones I used to know, the ones who could get friends whatever happened.
Then I look at people that dropped me like a rock as soon as something better came along, they're everywhere to flaunting their happiness.
Well fcuk them, i'm a bitter old woman and I hate them. I don't care that I'm bitter, twisted hatefull spitefull I don't give a shit.
I can be as shitty as you want cause i'm a jelous bitch and you all have the fucking life I want.
So yeah 99% of you I hate you for it.
jelousy doesn't suit me well come to think of it I do prefer blue.
Fuck you.
I don't want replies to this because the only people who will reply it isn't aimed at. And the ones it is wouldn't even realise it was.
heck they're probably not even on my friends list.
Isn't it funny how the things that make me ahppy are seeing those I hates lives destroyed.
I get my greatest joy in others misery.
Don't shout about Karma, karmas bs a nice little fantasy sponsered by a cute tv show and crazy people.
Energy whatever I don't care. If my hate cause me to have more reason to hate then fine.
My life revolves around it.
I feed off it, it's my most true of all emotions and my most often felt.
I will never love like I can hate.
I hold a grudge like no other.
My longest active hate campain is nearly 2 years old now. the others occured before the internet so I thought wait till they're online, and I do search for them..often and I will find them at some point.
But out of the ones I am still tracking down it's been 2 years.
Well I guess thats cause I ssaw the others fall and received a decent amount of misery on thei'r part to satisfy my spite.
I hate.
That is what i want written on my tombstone, I hate, or "Maria she hated"
Because that is all i am.
One giant ball of anger and hate and spite and jelousy and rage.
And it's rediculous the only place I can slitley vent anjy of it is on the fucking internet!
I hate all those who I tried with but never tried hard enough back, all those that betrayed or tried to betray me, all those that cast me aside as soon as I was no longer fashionable, all those that abandoned me for no fucking good reason, all those that only want a piece of me when theres no one better around, all those happier than I.
yes I wish on you unhapiness, thats will lift my spirits for sure.
i won't get my happiness in a normal form so the only thing I can seek it in is other misery.
So bring me your misery. bring me your pain.
Let me have a little bit of Maria time cause right now I am sick to death of all the fcuking smiles around.
All the fake smiles/ hugs/ kisses.
I'm a leach and I want to suck out life, probably yours, probably anyones.
Yes anyones will do fine.
I want your life a better life a better head a better everything.
Son't come to me with stories of death.
No one I have ever cared about has ever died, for I care for no one.
If you have been gangraped by congo jungle malitia then you will probably get my sypmathy but it's only extremes or unfair I actually care for. Anything else fuck it AT LEAST IT'S AN EXCITING THING TO WRITE A MYSPACE BLOG ABOUT.
I hate you.
I hate you all.
Now I hope you see my fucking true nature.
Cause this is who I fucking am.
And all I am is Hate

I'm normally the sort of person to go on about life hates me, and it's out to get me and I only get bad luck, But this morning I had the best luck of my life.
I am so thankfull to be a live right now, and so glad I didn't kill my ex.

I went out last night got pissed out of my head, met this guy and me and my ex went back to his for a few beers.
I never saw him(gareth) drink the whole night but I knew me and Louis(my ex) were pissed.
gareth offered to drive louis home, as you do I sat in the back as louis had to get out first I sat behind him.
I'm very carefull with seatbelts so as useual tried to put mine on, but as I was drunk and trying not to spill my beer at the same time, didn't do to well at it.
Everytime I pulled it it got stuck, even though I was pulling it slow and not yanking.
Gareth stopped at Louis house but instead of letting him out sped up to a ridiculous speed, especially for the narrow roads we were on.
Fucking nice car though good acceleration but that was the problem, on a very short stretch of road he managed to get up to 100mph.
He misjudged the turn at the top of hunnyhill, went straight through the barriers(they put up for crashes) straight through a direction sign(bent it at a 90 degree angle) and then straight into a brick wall.
it was fucking weird, I could see it all happeneing in slwo motion, it just didnt seem real, it was so out of body, I could see me but I wasn't me.
As i didn't have my seatblet on I just went straight into the back of Louis seat, I've seen all those adverts about crushing the person in front (another reason i'm such a shit when it comes to setbelt saftey).
Fortunatley cause I leaned to the side and put my head down I hit it head first which I think helped not to crush him, god my head hurt though and I blacked out for a few seconds.
Well I don't know how long but the next thing I remember they were both out of the car and the car was filled with smoke.
I was like wtf and tried to get out, Louis tried to help but the seats wouldn't move so I climbed a bit and got out.
Tbh the car doesn't look that bad, it's totalled but not crushed or anything.
But really at that speed I should have more injurys.
I'm so fucking lucky.
The police officer who arrived at the scene was pretty pissed off, it was his front garden wall!

Gareth was a twat for not only driving drunk and putting our lives in danger by not telling us but for being a show off and driving so recklessley, if the wall hadn't been there it would have been the house that would have stopped us, not as forgiving as a wall. we'd probably be dead as would the woman asleep in the living room.
He'll loose his liscense and job as he's a prison officer.
Drink driving should lead to a perma ban imo, a year just doesn't teach some people.

Sorry for this long story, it's not that interesting I guess :/ But I am just really happy. my head fucking hurts though >.<

tbh the car doesm't look that bad :)
Th wall helped as it slowed us down, if it had been a solider wall I think the car would have crumpled at that speed.

Yeah so looking on another myspacer I knows page I came across this blog

"We all search and crave for love but where do we find it? It's in our nature to for fill the illuminated image and perception we all have for achieving it. And when we are in love, how easy is it for us to fall out of it? Even better so, how do we control this constellation of emotions?….I noticed that when I type love backward and repeat the last two characters, the result is interesting. EVOLVE. This to me embodies my personal perception of love….a change a growth…be it spiritual or not.

Sorry but wtf?!?! I do not search or crave for love, not in the slightest.
Not everyone is desperate, not everyone feels like half a person when they are single. O.k i'll admit at my low points I maye have felt like that. But after my sofa epiphany when I realised "hey there was life before relationships! SHIT I DON'T NEED ONE! In fact life was a lot better withought ^^" And it isn't really going withought anything bad, it's going withought the stress of it all. going withought not having your needs comming first, going withought issues that break up friendships. Pretty much being single is the best thing ever!
A friend asked me if it got lonley, an I said nope, I was a lot more lonley in a relationship as I was only allowed to see them most of the time.
I got had a go at for going to parties on the mainland with friends, and forbode from going some places HA! the audactiy of it.

my advice for the day kids:
If someone asks how they can make it better (when they betrayl you in a way beyond fixing) Be honest :) don't do a me :) tell the the one thing that would make you feel that teensy bit better :D

Die. Die now, and leave me some money and stuff :D

The only thing I search and crave for is my next fix XD, haha no i'm not a smack head, I have no pain to kill. I do crave fun though, and will go out of my way to have the ultimate good time. Even if it means debt etc ^^ as long as I get that ulitmate high like when at a massive party with badass tuneage. mmmm I want my time machine so I can stop all those stupid relationships and spend the last 3 years doing what I am now :) Cutting men out of my life 100% apart from friendships and having an awesome party time ^^
And no i'm not a les-bain.

Nat I achem I ache so much from your party I think I ran around a lot :/
I have scratches on my arms from trying to give leg ups up that tree.
What an awesome party it was ^^ happy birthday, Still havn't decided what to get you :)
As for the rest of you i've decided to beach myself, I was watching south park earlier and I want to be a BEEFCAKE!!!

Yuss it's what I shall attempt LOOL!
I miss Philipa :( but I do have a scott now, i'm not saying I found a replacement for her. I'm just saying I found another uber cool guy who has actually been put on the VERY short list of people I consider to be real friends :)
Plus who else could and would fit into trousers that tight? ;p

If we've been out recently look in my "The Fucked Files" Folder. Any pics are likley to be in there if I took any :)

 

 

IAN LET ME DRIVE HIS CAR! OMG IT WAS SO COOL ^^ nearly broke it though :/

Don't know why I put this blog in the goals and hopes category as I actually have none!
Yup my fautl in part for not getting off my fat arse but also not my fault in the sense that you have to have fucking talent to get anywhere decent in life.
O.k what am I good at? probably easier to list the things I suck at.
Drawing, painting or anything creative. Yeah I can just about do shizzle like that but I'm not good, I don't get people thinking wow if they see some shit i've done. More liek oh well i could have done better, dancing, singing, playing/reading/writing music. Poi or any type of circus skill, I can use a computer yeah as in turn int on, but again no talent there, photography nope. Not tall not pretty so I can't use looks. Not smart so I can't become some engineer or whever. End of the day all I can probably do on job or career front is be a fucking checkout girl and I wouldn't even do that well. i can't even drink a lot!

Yeah so it seems like I'm sounding pretty sorry for myself doesn't it. It's more pissed off than sorry for myself.
How comes everyone else I know can seem to do things or has some talent, usually if you're fat and ugly you're good at something but fuck I don't even have any skills.
Goi'm not even gonna go into the multitude of skills all of my friends seem to posess I'll feel even fucking worse!

IF I WAS WHITE AND HAD NORMAL STRAIGHT LONG HAIR THEN MY LIFE WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT! I HATE YOU MUM YOU STUPID BITCH YOU COULD HAVE SHAGGED A WHITE PERSON BUT NO YOU HAD TO DO SOME HALF CASTE PIECE OF SHIT INSTEAD

I wrote a bulletin, intended to be a blog. Posted it ready to put it in the bulletin and went back and thought it was lost. No I thought after searching long and hard, That was the only record I have anywhere of how I felt at that precise moment in time, I thought fine I shall try to recreate. or at least capture the last wips of those thoughts as they blew away. And after I had done that i got ready to post it in a blog. When wow I found the first one! And the second and the neee of the blogs become oh so clear

Bulletin 1

Well and truly letting this one slip..

allready his photographys gone from boring to pop, far too fast gah.
Why am I meep stop crash bang shit hole wank cry stop.
>.< The only thing to cheer me up right now, there couldn't be there can't be, ever again. When I swore that I meant it.
I actually am string to believe that now. .
I'm just looking for this high like at the end of a ballon but not quite getting there.
That's all I have left.
Go into the deepest k hole acid trip nos balloon whatever until i'm just the innneee nannanan whatatatat

Bulletin 2

He's really getting good, like wow, I was so not expecting this at all to happen.
He's actually got some real talent there I do so believe and good luck to him if it works.
I am on my road to nowhere as per usual.
Feeling very mreh right now.
Not happy, very low. On a self destruct of sorts but withought the destruct I just want a decent high.
Anything I want some smidgen of happy again.
I feel as if I will never be happy again unless i melt into a big ball of acid goo leaking out of a nos balloon.
I can never get enough  just a lot of the innneee neeeee noooooo

Grr I dislike wanting something to much, this want is insane!

But on another note, that pit party last night was pretty good, never been to one before :) And I saw Moya and was like cool! I was worried she wouldn't want to talk to me but she was fine ^^ even got a hug sipite glowing under the Uv bright green.

And I'm still thinking about it ^.^ I'm glad my heads stuck in a happy thought process atm, hmmm it's nice..rare.

Why do I hate me so much right now? :/
I don't get what I've done :(
Must have been something really bad...meh Karma so I shouldn't complain cause at the end of the day i caused it :)
next Life hopefully i'll get rewarded for not being a cunt ;p


I will one day look how I feel inside, Like a male who wants to be female of a female who feels male.
Those who get plastic surgery feel differnt to how they look.
me too.
So I will spend my life reaching the person I crave to become.
I don't look remotley like this in my head.
I've dreamed about how I look since I was 8, Since I actually got real self awareness.
It's always been a stranger staring back at me...I just want me to be in the mirror :/

me...So hard to become. The amount of people that laugh and say "stop trying to be individual" astounds me, the amount that laugh too.
I'm not trying to be differnt, I'm not looking for your acceptance though everyone wants to be accepted I just want to feel me.
Then I can work on the rest.
I don't want to be different, I want to be myself and fit in, I want to be normal but I want how I feel to be normal.

Why is being so in touch with youth so wrong, why is being so happy and appreciative so frowned upon.
ffs Surley being gratefull is good!
I don't want more tbh Just to be happy with what I have! but it's never enough.
Why is everyone so quick to judge >.<

I've put my actual life off for so long now, i need to get everything back in check.
I need to get back into education before the last bit of brain I have turns to mush.
It makes me so sad to think i threw everything away.
was it really 3 years ago I dreamed of building planes, that I wanted so much to be an aerospace engineer and that through moving out of home I fucked up my entire future?

yep 3 years ago, It's time to fucking sort it out. I want a real degree I want to work hard and get somewhere, i;ve done the party thing (o.k that never ends) but i've lived alone for 3 years..I have an advantage over all the new 18 year old students! To me living alone is old, I think if I went to uni now i'd really buckle down I even think i might do well.

I am so desperate to get out of this rut. yes I love my job but I know if I don't try to do something now it will be too late before I know it and I'll be a single mum working at AGSF for the rest of my life.
Not so bad I suppose but I want to see something before I go and working here I will never afford to.

Why did I leave 6th form >:< Why did getting stoned seem like such a better idea :/
Why did I leave college...Just cause I wanted to play computer games all night long.

Why has it taken to the verge of 19 and visiting phillipa in uni for me to see what I threw away and what I am missing.

Hindsights a bitch -_-