(listen to "Complete" by Audra Lynn)

The drumbeat is playing in my head as I sit here in front of this computer screen, typing away at this keyboard.  It was a song I listened to on the way to the office this morning.  "My love is as strong as death; a burning flame for you."  At the moment this idea of love so strong seems so silly.  I am a woman entering data on a computer system... for some reason this setting makes me feel insignificant and boring.  I'm thinking about the feeling of the song; how ethreal the sense of it and how deep it reaches into me... and how shallow I feel sitting in this chair.  It just doesn't fit.  When I am here it doesn't seem real.

Just outside the window is a river of cars and trucks; people living their mediocre lives, making money, getting around.  Is there love so strong out there?  I am listening to the voice of an ancient text speaking of a love that shatters through all comprehension.  To what lengths would a man go to show his love these days?  You cannot compare the efforts of man to Jesus and his life.  It is a romance so deep, you will never find it with any man; never have it with any lover.  It's unfair to ask for it because it is something you will never be able to reciprocate.

What I have been craving is romance, but perhaps I will never find it in the places that I look.  How many times have I been told that a man cannot validate me or even fill me, and I still dream of Mister Perfect who will take away this ache inside.  I sigh and wonder if I'll ever find a man who would break the mold and do something extraordinary just to show me he loves me.  But it seems to be that the only place to find that love is in Christ.  It is frustrating to hear that because Jesus is alive in spirit, not in flesh, and I crave that connection with someone I can see and hear and touch.  And yet the more I learn of it and spend time with Him in prayer, the deeper my heart aches for Him alone. 

In the past, reading things like this would only frustrate me.  I always thought to myself, "I just want a man!  Stop telling me these stupid stories of some lame romance with Jesus.  Whatever!"  because in all honesty, when you don't really understand, it just sounds retarded.  It's like having an imaginary friend.  Where's the logic to that?  There is none.  What that frustration turns into when I finally accept it is brokenness.  I break down and cry from somewhere hidden.  Why would He want to love me?  I cannot ask for it nor can I reciprocate it.  I can only live as close to that love as possible.

Sometimes things happen and we say, "This is God," and we are convinced that this very thing is His will.  We then hang all our hopes there, trying to define how God works and what he would and wouldn't do.  What about the times when things don’t work out?

Usually we start asking questions.  Have we been deceived?  Were we too hasty in deciding what was of Him and what wasn't?  Things worked out strangely well so it must have been God... but then it fell through, so was God "testing" our faith?  Or maybe it was only his will to go half-way and then pull us out of our commitments...  Maybe it's just a season we had to go through...  or, my favorite, "God must have changed his mind". (God never changes, by the way).

I have been like that.  I would say, “Well, I had to go through that to get to where I am today.  It was God’s will that it happened…” and while it is true that good things came of it, to have claimed it was the will of God was simply ignorance and justification of bad decisions.  For example, I always thought that it was God’s will that I fell in love with Robert.  I mean, Robert taught me so much about myself and I learned a lot.  But it occurred to me that I didn’t have to fall in love with Robert to gain the spiritual freedom I have today; in fact I would have been free a lot sooner if I didn’t have the obstacle of a broken heart to overcome.  While I don’t regret it, I cannot claim it was for God’s glory.  It was God’s grace using the bad situation for my good, not God’s will that it happened specifically that way.  Some of you understand what I’m trying to say, others won’t.

In the Bible, James has a certain frustration concerning people who just do things without consulting the Lord.  I think there are many times when we are too hasty and anxious, so we jump into things and use the Lord as our excuse.  I know that place all too well, and when you’re there wondering what to do, it seems that God’s will is some hazy mystery.  But I believe that we can confidently know His will down to the specifics; down to who you should marry, where you should go, what you should do to prepare yourself, etc.  We can know His will if we want to.....

And that’s the key; do you want to know?  Have you ever started down a path and then prayed whether or not it was God’s will for you to go there?  That can be like a slap in the face, “God if you don’t want me to do what I’m doing, too late!”  I’ve done it too.  That’s like at the end of a conversation when a person asks, “Is there anything else you wanted to say?” with his eyes looking in the opposite direction as he’s walking away.  Clearly he doesn’t want to hear it.  When you already have your own agenda, you are leaving no room for God’s.  This is how the woman was created in God’s image; she won’t give you her heart until you’ve proven you’re committed to her.  God is ultimately relational.  When you include that in your view of him, things start making sense.

So here’s the biggest question: do you trust God?

Why would you commit your life to someone you don’t even trust?  If you don’t trust God and you are asking him what His will is for your life, do you think he’s going to tell you what He wants?  He already knows you are resistant to it.  He won’t push or force His will on anyone.  It is an invitation, not a command.  A Christian who hates doing the will of God ends up being burned out.  He wants you to want it, so if you don’t, he won’t give it to you...

It has been in the times when I’ve thrown my own agenda out the window when God reveals clear as daylight what He wants me to do.  It is because I have shown Him that I do want it, and I trust that He has the best for me.   It is surprising when he does because His will is often to do things I have either wanted to do, or that I somehow end up deriving much peace and fulfillment from.  Occasionally he has told me something I don’t want and I fight Him concerning it.  But when I finally decide that He knows best, my heart changes and I start to want it.  It’s the strangest irony.  His will becomes my will.  And His peace floods me so I know it was from Him.

But what about those who say the Bible is the only thing you can rely on?  Well, I think there is a point at which you let faith take over.  I am careful how I say this because I believe that the Bible is absolute truth and life.  And I also believe it is the only truth you can fall back on.  Anything that contradicts it is not reliable and not wise.  But the Bible only points you to God.  The Bible didn't tell me to go to Michigan and be a part of Master's Commission, God did.  The Bible tells me how to live, and teaches me about God.  It tells me my ultimate purpose and feeds my spirit with life.  The heart of being a Christian is having a relationship with the Creator that the Bible talks about.  There is a point at which you start living beyond strictly scripture, and out of a relationship with God.

There are some points at which all you have to go by is your faith.  You make sure that nothing contradicts scripture, and you get Godly counsel, but it is all based on a decision, and trust that God will direct you.  That can be scary because what if you’re hinging your life on something you just imagined?  “Did God tell me that, or did I just imagine it?  Am I crazy?”  That has crossed my mind, especially for a few things I believe he’s told me in the past few weeks.  Mostly because it’s been so specific it and it has gone against some things I’ve always believed (based on my experience).  I’ve fought and resisted, but when I made the decision to trust that it was God speaking to me, I was filled with peace and the desire to do things I don’t normally do; Godly things you’d think I do all the time, but have always hesitated to do.

So all this time I’ve wondered, “What IS God’s will for me?” and never known it, and felt like it was some big secret only super-Godly people are privileged to know.  I discovered that it only takes one act: trust.  Tell that to the learned and its foolishness.  But it’s just a realization that everything in my life is based on a relationship.  All relationships require time and effort.  I’m finally starting to get that.

So much wasted time of mediocre living only to realize that trust is a joy comparable to none.  When you finally make that choice to trust the words of your Father, even when his promise to you seems like it would be a curse, there is peace like you have never known. 

I had been fighting.  I didn't want to believe you because the thing you were trying to bless me with is the very thing I threw away, saying, "I don't want it!  I don't believe you can change it, and I don't want to hang my hopes there!  I have done it for too long now."  But then in my mind I saw myself believing, and hoping.  I had a vision of what it would be like to rest in you--to have a center of total peace and a countenance that draws people--so I made a decision.  I chose to believe what I thought was your voice, and Peace came over me like never before.  It was a solid confidence that my heart's desire would come true, almost as though it had already happened.

Life before was a pendulum of sorts.  Joy came to visit, but sorrow lived here.  And my strength was waning.  no focus, no purpose, no goal.  I was fading away.  But I came to trust Him... now emotions are a shallow wave on the top of the water and confidence is the depth of it.  I am growing, getting stronger, and completely in love with my Father, God.  Before I had only known what I had heard of it.  Now I live it, and there is no turning back.

He decided to go for a long walk one night and came across a rather large and interesting house he had never really noticed before.  Seeing as he was a working man, he stopped to observe the architecture. The house was lit up and it seemed there was a party going on.  People were sitting outside on the wrap-around deck and walking in the garden--a beautiful garden that needed some attention.  As he observed what he could see in the light, he realized the people outside were friends of his.  He caught a friend's eye and yelled a "Hey!" across the yard.  They responded with a hearty "hey" and motioned him to come in.  He went through the white painted gate, under an arch of vines, and approached the group.  They said their hello's; he felt a little more comfortable.  His curiousity grew and he decided to crash this party, take a look around the house.

The inside had a warm feel to it.  There were plenty of people inside, some he knew, and some he didn't.  He went from room to room, observing the design; lots of unique light fixtures, high cielings, decorative arched doorways, warm, inviting colors, a few unorganized corners...  Some elements of the house were practical, others seemed to have no practicality at all.  He talked to people in the main rooms, ate some finger foods in the kitchen.  Generally he liked what he saw and stayed there for a long while.  He had nowhere else to be. 

Walking from the kitchen, he came to a large rounded room with a large rounded staircase, winding up to a railed hallway.  He looked up to the high ceiling and saw a massive crystal chandelier.  He ran his fingers across the polished, intricately carved handrail and stepped onto the landing.  Few people were upstairs, holding drinks in their hands, having deeper conversations.  They glanced at him as he walked by.  One or two he knew well.  Design elements were similar up here.  The doors were closed, so he would knock, and if he heard no sound, he would peek in.  If no one was there, he stepped in slowly. 

These were bedrooms (a few very disorganized.  He was put off) , one game room , one office with dark wood bookshelves lining the walls with strange books he would never care to read and some written in languages he had never heard of, two bathrooms, and a few more rooms--while beautiful in design--he had no idea what they were for.  After a while he felt comfortable enough to play in the gameroom and enjoy a cigar there.  He took a catnap in one of the nicer bedrooms.  He noticed some strange trap doors, and closets that seemed to have no function.  He organized a few things, replaced a few burned out bulbs, and made the bed he slept in. One room was completely empty and another full of junk.  Surprisingly he found some woman in this room, sitting on a covered couch, next to a mess of things.  She hadn't said a word when he knocked and her cheerful smile was perplexing.  He quickly shut the door.  This floor was confusing and somewhat of a mess.  It was interesting, but there were a lot of things he would have liked to change.  None of these people seemed to own the house.

As he turned from the junk-filled room, something small knocked on his head.  It was a small wooden heart-shaped knob tied to a string that went up to the attic door.  For some reason this square on the ceiling was very decorative (most attic doors are not meant to be seen).  But there was a board nailed across it.  The nails were not cleanly hammered in.  Whoever boarded this thing up was careless and used way more mails than necessary.  They were bent every which way, and chipping the beautiful carvings around the edges.  Upon closer observation, he noticed that someone had pried some nails out.  There were open nail holes on the ceiling and open holes on the board.  Someone had pried this off before, and closed it back up in a hurry.  What could cause someone to enter the attic and leave in such a hurry?  What's up there?  He pondered for a long while, standing under the attic door.  Curiosity was ever growing in him, but with that came a fear of what he might find there based on how it was sealed.  Besides, this isn't my house so maybe I shouldn't make the effort to go snooping around...  He noticed a beautiful couch on the edge of the hallway and sat there, sinking in to the plush cushions.  It was comfortable.

So that's where he stayed.  He didn't care to go any further, but didn't care to leave.  It was nice here and at least he wasn't alone.  No one told him to go.  And he thought someday he would buy this house.  It was a fixer-upper, but he'd like a house this big and fancy.  He had no intention to go up into the scary attic.  And that's what it became to him, "a scary attic."  Something to be despised, and avoided at all costs.  Life is simpler when everything is straightforward.  Secrets can remain secrets.  Mysteries to remain mysterious.  Whatever is up there can rot.

I am learning to balance four very big things in my life, and it has come to the point at which I may have to cut one out. 

My biggest committmment right now is my ministry, Alliance Master's Commission.  This ministry comsumes every part of my day including evenings.  It's not a job that ends at five.  No, five is our dinner break and then we come back in for more.  There are three girls I am discipling (teaching Christian values, character, life skills and leadership) so I have to make sure I am home at a decent hour to set an example.  No late nights for me (which is good because I need sleep desperately!).  This ministry takes up my entire week except Sundays and Mondays. 

Sundays I sing in the choir, so I go to both church services in the morning, and in the evenings I go to life group, and Mondays are my days off.  Church is my second committment, but the good thing is that Master's is connected to it and thus I can prioritize my ministry and the people at my church will understand, or I can prioritize my church and the people in my ministry will understand.  And I very much enjoy them both!

My third commitment is my job, which only takes up Saturdays from 10 to 5.  Then when I am done, I will go straight to my ministry to join them whatever they are doing.  Saturdays are difficult because I used to work three days a week, and now only one, so the other ladies in the office are stressed (and frustrated at me, it seems) and my work load on Saturdays is not necessarily bigger, but I feel more pressure to get it done and done right.  And it's difficult because I miss out on what my ministry is doing during this time.  People will call me and ask questions when I'm at work, and Zach likes to call me on his lunch break... and now since I have a more pressure, I got in trouble for using my cell phone.  "Please try to keep cell phone use to a minimum when you are on Schroeder time--if you cannot do that maybe think about leaving your cell phone at home."

The fourth, and one of the most important, is Zach.  With almost all my time taken up, I have hardly any left for him.  I'd rather spend every day with him, but I can't, and this is very frustrating.  Not only will it be hard to find time to see him, it will be hard to find time to talk to him.  Most of the things I do require my full attention.

So my time is now very precious to me, and I have to carefully plan out my days, or else I will let things slip through the cracks.