Michael Vick said he's looking forward to finishing his sentence.  And like most pro athletes, he'll finish it with the phrase "you know what I'm sayin?"

If the NFL re-instates Michael Vick, his new team can expect hordes of protesters.  But since that means people coming to the stadium, Detroit is very interested. 

An 83-year-old Georgia man was sentenced for dealing Mexican pot.  Now we know the real reason why old people want to eat at 3 o'clock. 

Senator Dick Durbin said there's an effective way the U.S. can detain prisoners from Gitmo.  For example, if we put them in Miami, they'll still think they're in Cuba.

President Obama said that the U.S. lost its way in the war on terror.  Most likely because Humvees come equipped with mapquest.

A new study suggests that in a recession, most women splurge as if addicted to shopping.  It's shocking to realize that evidently America has always been in a recession.

Five Alabama police officers were fired for beating a speeding motorist.  They apologized, but only because the man wasn't Jeff Gordon.

The international space station is working on a recycling effort to turn urine into water.  Which means the international space station apparently works for Coors. 

Gymnastic phenom Shawn Johnson won "Dancing With the Stars".  It's the first time a flip-flopper won anything since Nancy Pelosi was named Speaker of the House. 

Republican National Committee head Michael Steele said that the party will no longer apologize for past mistakes.  Because who has that much time, really? 

The NBA awarded the Los Angeles Clippers with the number one draft pick.  It's the most effective plan they have of getting college players to stay in school. 

Red Sox star David Ortiz finally hit a homerun.  It's his first four-bagger this year that didn't involve a trip to Wendy's.

 

Mets slugger Carlos Delgado is out ten weeks after hip surgery.  It was only supposed to be six weeks, but team doctors are also committed to underachievement. 

Want to read a joke-a-day on your Twitter account?  Then follow me at 

https://twitter.com/KeithAlberstadt

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.

The World Health Organization said that most people who get the swine flu do not  need drugs.  Very ironic, seeing that most people who get the swine flu went to Mexico. 

The U.S. now leads the world in cases of swine flu.  But the good news is . . . with unemployment where it is, most people won't have to miss work.

Former All-Star pitcher Roger Clemens adamantly denies a new book's claims that he took steroids.  Then, representing the last body part to change size, his nose grew. 

The Illinois Attorney General announced that craigslist will get rid of ads for erotic services.  Opening the door for a brand new enterprise . . . EliotSpitzerslist.

Many students and local bishops at the University of Notre Dame plan to protest President Obama's commencement address this Sunday because of his support of abortion rights and stem-cell research.  Not to mention, he said that watching their football team the last few years has been "inhumane torture". 

Astronaut Mike Massimo, who is aboard the Space Shuttle Atlantis, became the first person to Twitter from space when he sent the message "Launch was awesome!!"  Next week, he plans to become the first person to send a sext message from orbit when he types "Watch out for my space junk!" 

Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot Pope John Paul in 1981, says that after his release from prison in January, he would like to convert to Christianity at a baptism ceremony at the Vatican.  The Vatican said that he will of course be welcomed and forgiven, unless Mehmet Ali Aqca is just a crazy nickname for Dan Brown. 

Delaware this week became the fourth state to allow sports betting.  Now making it only 99 times more boring than Vegas. 

A flawless blue diamond sold at auction Tuesday for almost ten million dollars.  It's the most ridiculously expensive diamond in the world not on the field in Yankee Stadium. 

Nicole Kidman walked off the set of a Woody Allen movie.  She said it was an homage to what people do when they watch a Woody Allen movie. 

The Taliban gave an ultimatum to Pakistan officials.  It said, "Resign, or get blown back ten years to the Stone Age."

Dick Cheney said that he'd pick Rush Limbaugh over Colin Powell.  Unfortunately for liberals, he's not talking about hunting partners. 

There are rumors that "High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgens may shed her clothes in an upcoming movie.  It's about time Disney made a realistic movie about high school. 

The NFL is considering playing a second game in Europe in 2010.  At least that's what they're telling the Lions in a plan to strand them in Spain. 

Since Lane Kiffin became coach at the University of Tennessee, 11 players have left the team.  It is such a mass exodus, the Vols have nicknamed the football team "math class". 

The New York Mets are on a hot streak.  Which makes sense, because it's not October.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. 

In an effort to raise awareness for breast cancer on Mother's Day, many Major League Baseball players will use pink bats.  And to raise awareness for steroid abuse, they'll use tiny, shriveled balls. 

Quarterback Brett Favre said this week that he may not stay retired.  Because when you think Brett Favre, you think of at least one broken record. 

Two racy lingerie photos of Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean have appeared online, and many of her supporters believe it's all an attempt to scrutinize her opinion of gay marriage.  Others believe it's a really clever ploy to convert Perez Hilton. 

A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper, which he found in an old book he bought years ago.  In case you haven't seen it, here it is:  Mr. Pibb + PhD.

A new management team has been put in charge of reviving MySpace, whose popularity has been declining as Facebook's has risen.  Their new slogan: "MySpace.  Now safer than craigslist!"

A man in Georgia is recovering after becoming the first US recipient of a double hand transplant.  Fans of Wolverine called it "life imitating art";  fans of Star Trek called it "a double blind date". 

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said Tuesday that it is time for a debate on whether to legalize marijuana.  He came to the idea after his buddies finally showed him how much cooler Conan the Barbarian is if you watch it while listening to "Dark Side of the Moon". 

Two people in Alaska will split a jackpot of nearly 284,000 dollars after guessing the exact minute that the ice on the Tanana River would break apart.  Said the winners, "Man, we really need a casino."

President Obama and Vice President Biden on Tuesday had their weekly lunch meeting at a hamburger restaurant in Rosslyn, Virginia.  They got the idea after asking America if they want their national debt super sized. 

Susan Boyle's performance on "Britain's Got Talent" has become the number 5 most watched viral Internet video of all time.  And if it weren't for all those American frat boys getting hit in the groin on camera, she'd be number 1. 

According to a new survey, the French spend more time sleeping than any other country.  Which should come as no surprise because they really love watching soccer.

The New Orleans Saints released two players for exposing themselves to women in a parking lot.  As opposed to the Detroit Lions, who choose to wait until taking the field to show their ass.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

The swine flu is now in Iowa.  Making scientists confident that the disease will now kill itself from boredom.

France officials confirmed that the swine flu is infecting some of its residents.  So they surrendered.

Many suspect that American cases of swine flu originated in Mexico.  So President Obama apologized for creating demand. 

U.S. agents are now asking people who cross the Mexican border if they're experiencing flu symptoms.  Because people crossing the border would never lie, right?

President Obama said that while the swine flu seems ominous, it poses no threat to America.  He believes that so much, he even shook its hand in a photo op.

President Obama recently referred to his first 100 days in office as "fruitful".  So for the next 100 days, Americans will refer to bailouts as "fruit".

Over 50 million retirees can expect a check for $250 from the government.  Suck on that, disappearing nest egg!

Keith Olbermann wants Sean Hannity to undergo water boarding.  Not to prove that it's torture, but just to hear him not talk for ten seconds.

Senator Arlen Specter became a member of the Democratic Party this week.  It was the first major Republican shift since Larry Craig narrowed his wide stance. 

A new report suggests that most Americans live in areas with poor air quality.  Ironically, air quality is now at the same income level as most Americans. 

Janet Napolitano retracted her statement that suggested that extremists could easily recruit returning vets.  She corrected herself, saying, "Let's face it, in these times, even extremists aren't hiring."

There are rumors that Barry Bonds could bat DH in Kansas City.  Kansas City?  Apparently the D in DH now stands for "Desperate". 

Michael Phelps is denying rumors that he's dating controversial pageant contestant Miss California.  But confirmed reports that Perez Hilton paid him handsomely for his Speedos. 

A new device may help brain-dead people post messages online.  It's great news for fans of "America's Next Top Model" who really want a Twitter account. 

Fox News is criticizing Washingtonian Magazine for changing the color of Barack Obama's bathing suit in a recent photo.  And MSNBC is criticizing them for unethically Photoshopping away the President's halo. 

Administrative Assistant Day was Wednesday.  Or as Bill Clinton called it, "Two Different Kinds of Hump Day". 

Fidel Castro said that Barack Obama misunderstood Raul Castro regarding future relations between Cuba and the U.S.  To avoid any confusion from now on, Raul will put his statements on a teleprompter.

On Earth Day, President Obama touted the benefits of wind energy.  To demonstrate how to use it, he continued to blow a lot of hot air about hope. 

Scientists have found two planets that are very similar to Earth.  Amazingly, they're the same size, have similar chemical makeup, and Paris Hilton thinks they both revolve around her. 

Earth Day was celebrated across the country Wednesday.  Ironically, supporters of Earth Day emitted twice the amount of carbon dioxide into the air by talking every second about how it was Earth Day. 

A woman in Michigan avoided serious harm when the underwire of her bra deflected a bullet.  Now Miss California knows what to wear on her upcoming trip to San Francisco.

President Obama said it was time to release information detailing abuse and torture.  And with that, he unveiled the names and addresses of all of those who operate the Washington Nationals. 

Interior Secretary Ken Salazar may expand the limits of the Endangered Species list.  Because General Motors, Mets fans, and fiscally responsible politicians will soon have to be listed somewhere.

It was revealed that U.S. pharmaceutical companies have released 271 million pounds of drugs into waterways that provide drinking water.  In a related story, the house that sits between Merck and Astra Zeneca was just purchased by Amy Winehouse.

Twenty one horses mysteriously died before a polo match in Florida.  To be clear, Polo didn't kill them, unless they walked through a mall in New Jersey. 

Prep basketball star Jeremy Tyler will drop out of high school to play in Europe.  And with that penchant for quitting early, he's a shoe in to go to France. 

The NBA Playoffs started this weekend.  And as per tradition, they kicked off with the ceremonial clearing out of the Knicks lockers. 

Bruins defenseman Matt Hunwick had his spleen removed.  It's the first time Boston has experienced a sudden organ removal since its heart was ripped out by Bill Buckner.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.

John Madden announced his retirement . . .
Or as he put it, "divorcing Brett Favre".
Then he rambled on while completely over-explaining that retirement means when a guy stops working for a living.

Texas Governor Rick Perry said that his state may secede from the Union. Said San Antonio, "We're breaking away from Mexico?"

Pirates are making a big comeback these days. So much so, Paris Hilton just contracted scurvy.

Research suggests that in these times of high unemployment, more people are sucking up to their boss in an attempt to keep their jobs. Which explains all the flowers Miley Cyrus keeps getting from her dad.

The Obama family's new dog Bo moved into the White House. They'll save money on a doghouse since they'll just use the one Hillary made for Bill.

The Ethisphere Institute unveiled a list of the 99 most ethical U.S. companies. Most Americans who saw the list had to be told what the Ethisphere Institute was. Most U.S. Senators who saw the list had to be told what ethical was.

As the economy worsens, child abuse is reportedly on the rise. Especially when in place of a babysitter, parents just drop their kids off to see that Jonas Brothers movie.

President Obama arrived in Mexico to discuss the drug war. And to explain to the locals that his name is not pronounced "Hay-soos".

Ashton Kurcher has challenged CNN to a contest to see who could be the first to attract one million followers on Twitter. Half of CNN's viewers asked, "What the hell is Twitter?" The other half asked, "Who the hell is Ashton Kurcher?"

Houston Rocket star Yao Ming has been cleared to play in the postseason.  But he's so weak as a Rocket, fans now think he's from North Korea.

The Florida Marlins took two of three games from the Mets.  The Mets haven't been this disappointed since, well yeah they have. 

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and the Complete Sheet.

President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Texas Rangers home opener on Monday. Then in the third inning, he told the fans "Mission Accomplished" and declared the game officially over.

President Obama correctly picked the University of North Carolina to win the NCAA basketball tournament. Unfortunately for the country, Tim Geithner put ten million on Michigan State.

During his surprise visit Tuesday to Iraq, President Obama was warmly greeted by US troops. Because they really want an iPod.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was re-elected . . . as the most androgynous-looking dictator ever.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il declared his missile launch a gigantic success even though it fell prematurely. Said his wife, "That sounds familiar."

Health experts and advocates for the elderly are debating when Alzheimer's patients should stop driving. Other drivers of course hope the answer is "at red lights".

A new study finds that almost one in five American 4 year-olds is obese. Critics say those numbers are flawed, which is obviously something a fat baby's parents would say.

In an effort to make people feel guilty for eating seafood, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants to change the word "fish" to "sea kittens". Their plan backfired, however, when Catholics nationwide accidentally ate cats on Good Friday.

This Sunday is Easter. When millions of Americans will search and search for their hidden nest eggs.

General Motors and Segway on Tuesday introduced the PUMA, a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle that they say is a fast, inexpensive and clean alternative to traditional cars and trucks. In other words, GM needs another 60 days to figure things out, Mr. President.

Skin cancer is now the number one cancer in Britain. Finally unseating six-time champ Madonna.

Nintendo announced that it will not cut prices for its popular gaming systems. Creating even more incentive for its fans to get off the couch and get a job.

Barack Obama assured Muslim nations that the U.S. is not at war with Islam. Because unbridled and unnecessary fear is no way to run a country...unless of course you're talking about how the planet warmed up by half a degree in twelve years.

Joe Biden threw out the first pitch at a Baltimore Orioles game. Meanwhile, his daughter's friend photographed her snorting the third base line.

In the wake of his recent DUI arrest video in which he trashed New York, Yankee pitcher Joba Chamberlain said that he loves the Big Apple.  But he was drunk when he said it.

Yankee fans are wondering if it's too early to start worrying.  Not about the season, but about saving enough to afford a seat at the new stadium.

Seattle Mariners star Ichiro Suzuki has an ulcer. Doctors said it's perfectly normal after a player finally realizes that he plays for the Mariners.

Oklahoma forward Courtney Paris promised to give back her scholarship money because they didn't win a national title in women's basketball.  But her lawyer said she's not obliged, because nobody cares.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

General Motors said it would decide this week what to do with its struggling Hummer brand. They would have done this last week, but some douche with a Hummer took up three parking spaces and everyone had to circle the lot until now.

Madonna arrived in Malawi this week prepared to adopt a 4-year-old girl from the country. Thus kicking off this year's Madonna - Angelina Jolie Fantasy Draft.

A new reality dating show will premiere on Fox featuring guys dating plus-size women. Fox calls it "More to Love,"; BET calls it, "Regular Programming".

Three boys looking for old bottles instead discovered a prehistoric relic in Michigan. Local experts call it "Ford's profitability".

Three of President Obama's choices for the NCAA Final Four lost. As a result, he forced their coaches to resign.

Because of rising production costs, both Marvel and DC will be raising the prices of their comic books from $2.99 to $3.99 an issue. To offset the extra cost, collectors are asking their moms to reduce their rent.

Alaska's Mount Redoubt erupted this week, sending thick ash as high as 25,000 feet into the air. The announcement was made when Governor Sarah Palin said, "I can no longer see Russia from my house."

The World Wildlife Fund, which organized Sunday's Earth Hour, in which people were asked to shut off their lights for an hour, said the event was a huge success. It would have been a bigger success, however, if Jessica Simpson found the discipline to shut off the light in her fridge.

Police in Salt Lake City are searching for a man who fired two shots at a McDonald's after the drive-thru operator told him they were not serving lunch yet. Authorities did commend him, however, on being able to hear anything that was said through a McDonald's drive thru.

The dreaded Conficker worm proved to be largely ineffective. So much so, it's now being called the Conficker stimulus package.

The U.S. Postal Service will issue new stamps featuring characters from "The Simpsons". They made the announcement when the Postmaster General begged the government for more D'oh!

John McCain wants the President to pardon Jack Johnson, a black boxer convicted 100 years ago for dating a white woman. McCain has a special interest in the case, however, because he used to be Johnson's babysitter.

Sprint announced that it will remain a part of NASCAR's premier racing series.  Just as long as the drivers don't go through tunnels, cross state lines, or try to call when it's too windy outside. 

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, the Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

President Obama is sending 500 more agents to the southwestern border to fight Mexican drug cartels. And to even the playing field, they're all going in one car.

Hillary Clinton wants to reassure Mexico that the U.S. will help fight their drug war. I see . . . now it's Americans doing jobs that Mexicans won't do.

Lance Armstrong said his injured shoulder may keep him from competing in France. Ironically, being a quitter will officially make him a citizen there.

Blockbuster will sell and rent movies through TiVo. The announcement was made when Vin Diesel scratched out the words "straight to video" on his bio and replaced it with the words "straight to TiVo".

Scientists found a new species of frog in New Guinea. It's just like the amphibians we have here in America, only it's never been photographed smoking a bong.

Alaskan volcano Mount Redoubt has sent loads of ash into the atmosphere. So much so, the air in Alaska is almost as dim as Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama insists that he won't make decisions out of anger. Because you have to keep a level head when picking your Final Four.

Billionaire Charles Simonyi wants to spend another 35 million dollars to return to space. Because the Earth's orbit is the only place where that kind of money is safe from the President.

Participants in this year's Video Game Conference expressed concerns about the recession. Specifically, will these hard times force their moms to finally charge rent?

Phillies ace Cole Hammels is set to pitch this season.  In fact, he's so ready to play in Philadelphia, he's already bad-mouthing the Mets. 

Broncos coach Josh McDaniels said that Jay Cutler is still their quarterback.  This was confirmed by the wailing coming from Cutler's locker.

Japan has now won the World Baseball Classic twice.  Giving them one trophy for every person in America who watched them do it. 

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.

In a recent blog post, Meghan McCain, the 24 year-old daughter of John McCain, writes that she does not want to date men who voted for Obama, but is repulsed by men who are obsessive supporters of her father. Which is why she basically just sits at home and Twitters herself.

New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine said he plans to sign a bill that would legalize medical marijuana in the state. Residents will know it's in effect when all of a sudden, Bon Jovi becomes cool.

New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg on Tuesday renamed part of West 53rd Street "U2 Way" in tribute to the rock group. Coincidentally, New York Governor David Paterson declared the new state motto to be "I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors on Tuesday is expected to issue a proclamation declaring the first week in March to be "No Cussing Week". Which means during the first week in March, nobody in Los Angeles is allowed to watch the Clippers.

Atlas Sports Genetics is selling a home-analysis kit that allows parents to test if their child is genetically predisposed to have sports ability. Unfortunately, testing is on hold because the kit has yet to be approved by the Little League Players Union.

Britney Spears' new "Circus" concert tour opened Tuesday night in New Orleans. She was going to call it "Under the Big Top" but that title was already taken by the Jessica Simpson tour.

According to new research, children rated as impulsive by their kindergarten teachers appear more likely to begin gambling behaviors like playing cards or placing bets before they reach middle school. Parents say that's absurd, but did admit that the over/under on their kids' eighth grade weight stands at 240 pounds.

This Tuesday, which was 3/3/09, was Square Root Day and will not occur again until April 4, 2016. In other news, the phrase "Nobody cares" is not a palindrome.

According to new research, children who watch TV longer than two hours a day have twice the risk of developing asthma. The good news...the asthmatic kid who runs the audio/visual equipment in your kid's high school really knows his stuff.

Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together. And Adam Sandler approached them about making a sequel to "Punch Drunk Love".

Iran officials are demanding an apology from Hollywood for the films "The Wrestler" and "300". Not to mention a promise that the Jonas Brothers won't be a part of the 71 virgins they'll meet in heaven.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.